Fear of being outed

[AmiFL]

My life is in flux right now..... My marriage is falling apart which is not the problem. My wife will probably be the "woman scorned" and out my little hobby.

Has anyone out there dealt with this and how did you handle it?

I an vacillating between "Deny, Deny, Deny" or come out and let Ami shine. Both have their pros and cons......

Thanks,

Ami

[Rachelakld]

My ex didn't do so well in the divorce, spent many years angry at me, never mentioned my hobby as far as I can tell.

[mikiSJ]

My wife has known that I CDed, but I came out to her as Miki late last year. She is not at all comfortable with me, and I want to transition which will mean the end of my 38 year marriage.

I suffer severe depression and the only happiness I have no is when I can be me and be with the friends I have that know me.

Do you, as Ami, want to be full-time or simple acknowledge this part of you. If you want to be full-time, it will drive you absolutely crazy to not try, with help. If you only want Ami to be a part of your life, then I would seek out counsel and discover how you can integrate Ami and you, the guy.

[Marleena]

That's a tough one Ami. When my first marriage in the late 80's ended my wife blackmailed me with it. I gave her extra money and watched the kids over at her place when she went out. Looking back I was dumb because I think she outed me anyways to justify the marriage breakup. It wasn't the reason though. For what it's worth nobody confronted me with it until a few years ago when an old friend asked me if I was a crossdresser out of the blue. I guess he heard the rumors. I just denied it anyways.

Times have really changed since then so if I had to do it over again I would just let her tell everybody.

Maybe somebody that has gone through it recently will chime in.

[Lorileah]

which ever way you chose, remember she is the one who people will look at as being petty. Most will ignore what she says (her friends excepted) but if it were me I would just look at whoever asked and say "That is something personal."

[Ressie]

I think my ex told some people after our break up. Once she told me that everyone knew that I was a CD. And an acquaintance of mine said that she told him some stuff about me that he didn't believe. The thing is anyone that knows her, knows that she tends to lie quite a bit.

Anyway, if your wife tells others they won't have that confirmed unless you do come out to them. Until then it's just a rumor with no proof.

[AllieSF]

There are a lot of options for handling it, if it ever happens. I would counsel that if someone brings it up after the divorce you can ignore the question, deny it, ask them what they think, ask them that in a divorce do the parties always tell the truth and always try to treat the other party fairly without vengeance? Asking them what they think avoids having to directly answer a very personal and probably inappropriate question, and shifts the reason for the question back to the other party in the divorce and whether they are trying to hurt them. Which one you pick is up to you. If I am not ready to answer that question to that person, I would try one of those other options.

[Steph_CD_62]

I am not sure how many people my ex-wife told. She moved over 1500 miles away, and I know she was telling people out there all the time. I even had one guy call me up just to ask me if I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. I told him yes I did.

Now as far how many people she told that know me I am not sure. I did have one "friend" confront me at the bar one night. I didn't deny or admit to it. I have not talked to him since.
I am sure my ex-wife told my kids, but they have never brought it up.
I figure if I lose friends over this, then they were never really my friend to begin with.

[lingerieLiz]

My wife outed me. We didn't get divorced and didn't loose any friends. Some were curious.

[Beverley Sims]

It is a decision only you can make.
Consider all the circumstances, work on the marriage and remember why you both married in the first place.

[Toni Citara]

I had two different (ex) GFs back when I was in my early 20s that ran around telling their friends about my wearing nylons after they dumped me. There were a few times random girls or guys would ask me about "wearing pantyhose" or what-have-you when they ran into me or were drinking. The fear of being outed was pretty high, and I lied to protect myself. I have only a handful of friends that know the extent of my CDing, all female and one gay male that is also a drag queen performer. Working in the macho field I do makes the CDing a hazard. All I can see is total negative coming from being outed for me; and I feel the same for you in your situation.

[docrobbysherry]

Unless u and your soon to be ex r fiting for possession of your children, a judge isn't likely to care about your "hobby".

If u r fiting for your children then having your attorney deny it is not bad strategy. If the judge will even listen, she will have to prove it and her own attorney mite prefer that she shut up. Because unproven charges like abuse, drugs, neglect, CDing, etc., etc. r common when couples fite over their children an often alienate judges.

Just don't let her blackmail u! The most important thing is hiring a good, experienced, divorce attorney. He/she will know the best way to handle your individual situation better than u or us!

[hosierylover]

My life is in flux right now..... My marriage is falling apart which is not the problem. My wife will probably be the "woman scorned" and out my little hobby.

Has anyone out there dealt with this and how did you handle it?

I an vacillating between "Deny, Deny, Deny" or come out and let Ami shine. Both have their pros and cons......

Thanks,

Ami

My ex wife did out me, to her new guy(who was a family friend), and her parents, her parents confronted me about it and I told them everything, cost that wasn't my we split, they were cool with it and told me one of their friends was a CD and that they had gone out on the town with them,
I have told a few friends about it, their OK with it, but their partners all love it and want to go shopping with you,
I don't know who else she has told or him for that matter, but I always am worried about them saying it on social media and just to add to that they live just down the road

[GaleWarning]

I am told that my ex- outed me when we split up, but no-one has ever said anything to me about it.

[Darla Jean]

Ultimately, whether you are "outed" is out of your control - once shared, the secret is potentially public. Decide what you need to do with your marriage & kids - that's primary - if therefter it comes out, be proud of your courage & movr forward! You will be fine in the long term knowing you tried to make things work.

[Marcelle]

My question for you would be . . . If your wife outed you, would you be able to live with the fallout or not? If you can live with it and have no issue with people knowing, then your question is answered. If you cannot, then you may need to deal with some questions in which case, I would take Lorileah's advice and say "It's personal".

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

That depends on what you want. If you want to be out...simple answer. If you would prefer to stay discrete, then let her talk all she wants and simply give a non denial denial.

My ex outed me to many family members, friends and co workers. Some dismissed it as slander, some knew the truth, but no one rejected me as a result.

[Majella St Gerard]

I know my ex-wife told her niece whom we were very close to and I'm sure she told many others also, she has always had a problem keeping her mouth shut, and she is a very vindictive person. Her niece told me that she had told her (she loves me more then her own aunt) and that she don't care, she loves me for me, and it's no ones business what I do. I moved out of town after we split so I have had no contact with old friends other than facebook and no one has mentioned anything there. At this point I don't really care who knows.

[Kate Simmons]

A lot of it depends upon your own fortitude my friend.:)

[Karren H]

Nothing to fear but fear itself.... and spiders... I hate Effing spiders....

[Daphne Renee]

If you don't believe you can save your marriage...then what I would do is just deal with it as it comes. Meaning if someone asks you about it deal with it then. You cant control what she does. Worrying wont help either. Just be truthful about it if if comes up. No reason to mention it if it doesn't come up. However in my opinion getting caught in a lie could be even worse then just coming out in ghd first place.

[sometimes_miss]

which ever way you chose, remember she is the one who people will look at as being petty.
You really can't count on that; it really depends on who she tells; I've heard of other women who claimed their ex was a crossdresser as one reason for the divorce, and pretty much everyone accepted it without question. After all, nearly all women consider it a deception on a grand scale, hiding who we really are from them, and when they find out the reactions range from severe disappointment to rage. I don't get the impression that women think crossdressing is a minor issue at all.

In my case, my ex blackmailed me, insisting on the house as well as our financial assets, as well as me taking on our credit card debt, or she would out me to family, friends and work. Having lived through ridicule as a child, I had no desire to go through that again.

Good luck.

[Ressie]

Sometimes_miss, if I were threatened with blackmail while going thru divorce I would just go ahead and out myself to everybody and get it over with. At least, that's the way I feel about it now. So did she get the house, assets etc.?

[Michelle (Oz)]

Several thoughts (based on one experience):

if she thinks that your income will be impacted and therefore her settlement worse she may put money before revenge
if she does out you and you deny that you CD and are subsequently found out then you will lose the trust of your friends

So prepare for how you might handle being outed but then what will be will be. Could do you a favour and as Ressie says don't allow her or others to blackmail you.

[AmiFL]

Thank you all for your input..... I am dealing with it day to day right now. The gurl in me wants to come out... cding is becoming more mainstream every day with all of the transgender news clips lately. I have a very good GG friend who I trust. I may talk to her and see her reaction. We shall see what happens.....

Keep posting.......

[AmiFL]

Well..... last night our relationship came to a head..... I told her I thought we should consider divorce. Her reaction as not very good, but Ami did not come up... yet.

[Stephanie47]

If you can identify what the issues are in the marriage that seems to be leading you and her to a divorce, maybe they can be resolved. I do not recall if you stated how long you've been married. Your bio says you're sixty. To me that sort of makes any kids adults. If you're been married a long time, she probably has come to terms with the cross dressing issue. She may have a sense of how kids will react. If you're friends, neighbors and family know who you really are as a person, many of them may be civil.

I guess there may be a big elephant in the room and neither you or your wife wants to talk about it. Sometimes avoid the big elephant means all the small stuff of life becomes the nagging issue. Rather than talking about the cross dressing, she may nag you about the dirty socks under the bed.

You just said "Her reaction (w)as not very very good..." What the heck does that mean? Are you giving up, and, she wants to work at keeping the marriage? Or did she start throwing dishes at you?

[Jackie7]

As I've written elsewhere, my ex-wife outed me as a prelude to divorce, mostly to support her claim to 75% of the assets. I decided I was done with hiding, confirmed the information to my grown kids and our friends, and everyone got on with their lives. She had not worked in years and had enough ailments to make any return to work unlikely, so when the choice became ongoing alimony or cough up the 75%, I chose to cough. Doors close and doors open, I'm very happy with my choices and have not looked back.

[AmiFL]

Update to the New Year.....

Cannot bear to stay, but cannot leave.

The wife's vialed threats are still there, but now she feels sorry for me. She told me that it must be my crossdressing desires that are causing me to be unhappy..... not her She cannot accept that she is the root of our problems.

[Eryn]

Blackmail is a weapon that can only be fired once. Veiled threats are a childish and manipulative way of addressing your problems and are only effective if you allow them to be.

If you are set on divorce then you need to decide how to equitably divide your household. The way that you dress has nothing to do with your assets or debts. It is not illegal or immoral.

If you are at this stage you should be consulting an attorney, not a forum. That way you can be advised of how things work in your locality and know how to proceed to protect your interests.

[Samantha_Smile]

If it were me, I'd take the approach of
"Well the toothpaste is out of the tube now".
Especially if she provides people with proof (Im assuming she knows details of your online picture storage and post) on this forum?

2 benefits from this;
1- You will find out very quickly which of your family and friends love you for YOU.
2- Less hiding and more freedom to be yourself if friends or family are coming over.

All the best

[KayleeTaylor]

In the 90's my friend went through a divorce. At the time, the ex-wife outed my friend as a CD. My friend handled it well, she did not deny it and even spoke about it in court, the judge thought the ex was being spiteful. Anyway, the ex-wife did not get custody of the kid. The reason was because the cd'ing husband was a good person with a stable career, etc. Now the child has grown up and my friend is now transitioning.

If you are outed, you need to own up to it, especially if you are going through a divorce. In a divorce there are far worse things than being called a CD, you could be called a liar.