Doubts about being born this way?

[FurPus63]

I just wanted to put this out here and hope I don't get flamed for it. The other day my therapist told me that she senses doubt in the fact that I was born this way? Well it's been bothering me ever since.

It's all related to how I keep thinking about the fact that I was born with a penis, lived my life as a boy and then as a man, only to begin to experiment with dressing as a girl in my late 40's. Unlike so many TS people, I didn't do anything about my inner feelings out of fear and also due to repression and rejection of such feelings. I grew up in a very "macho" family where being a boy and a man was real important, but I'm sure others have had that experience as well.

Although I didn't experiment with make-up, clothes, etc.... as a young person; I did have feminine feelings, envied what girls had physically, had secret desires, wishes and fantasies about being a girl/woman; but never acted on them. However; once I began to have the courage to do so, and started dressing as a girl, I knew this was what was my "problem" all of my life.

Due to my life circumstances, I was able to move very quickly from experimentation to full-time transition. In fact, that only took about six months. Now, after living my life as a woman 24/7 for 18 months; I find that I am more convinced than ever that this is the best decision I've ever made! I'm so happy living as a woman, and my inner feelings of being a girl are being realized each day! It's exciting and I can't wait to finish this process and get the genital surgery I so badly desire.

I know that I am a woman and have always wanted to be such. However; I didn't dress and/or had any real knowledge or true understanding of transsexualism. Even when I was in school studying for a Masters Degree in Psychology Counseling, I learned very little about this. Oh sure, we learned a lot about being gay and lesbian, etc... but so little was said about transsexuals I don't recall having really learned anything in my graduate program at all about this. For ever reason. I didn't make the connection.

I thought and had come to accept that I was bi-sexual and grasped that concept as what was "wrong" with me. I figured all my feminine feelings were the result of my sexual orientation and believed I was someone who was "in-touch" with my feminine side because I was bi-sexual. I never made the connection that what was really going on, was the fact that I had a woman inside me that was dying to get out. I denied her. "Paulette" was shoved so deep into my subconscious mind and psyche that it was impossible for her to emerge and reveal herself. Not until I was so much older in life.

Once I let her out. Once I "disovered" that she IS who I really am; and allowed her to be born. She completely took over all that I am as a human being and as a person. I recognized this very quickly, and because my life circumstances were just right, I embraced her; and now I am, Paulette.

I was discussing this with my therapist who was concerned because I kept talking about "Paul" in the past tense, and telling her how much I hated him, and how much I despised being Paul. "Paul's dead, and I killed him!" I said. This led to a discussion about how I need to take responsibility for the fact that Paul is not in-deed dead, and that a part of him lives in Paulette just as Paulette lived in Paul. This all became very confusing for both of us and she mentioned to me that I sounded like someone suffering from Disassociative Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). We agreed of course that is not what's going on, but she felt it necessary to remind me that thinking of Paul as a seperate person from Paulette was not healthy. I agree, but there is still a big part of me that wants to forget about those first 48 years of my life. I wish it never happpened. I wish I was never born "Paul." I wish I could have been born, "Paulette."

So then raised the question of whether or not I believed I was born TS? I do believe it theoretically. That's what all the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists are telling us and the accepted theory regarding GD. However; all of my above conversation with my therapist has had me thinking all weekend about this.

I do have a tendency to become involved in obsessive thinking and sometimes I can get "stuck" on something in my mind and can't seem to let it go. I realize I need to do that in this case. However; I needed to write this post as an attempt to do just that, but also to get some feedback and thoughts from others. Especially those who've gone through transition and/or are in transition at this time.

My therapist said I need to learn to seperate gender from sex and realize that just because I was born with a penis and am technically a male until surgery makes me otherwise; that I have and was born a woman in a man's body. Again, I realize that this makes sense and is what has happened to all of us T-girls. Yet sometimes it seems so hard to get a grasp on it and really understand it all 100%. Anyone else struggle with this issue?

Paulette

[Ann Louise]

Paulette, I recall a conversation like that I had with my therapist, where I was really beating up on myself for having wasted so many precious years nursing along that male shell. I still do not acknowledge the validity of "that person," and regard that bundle of neuroses as a construct rather than an actual person. Still, my counselor suggested I take a kinder approach to "he who shall remain unnamed" :-) , and consider that "he worked very hard to keep everyone in his life safe and secure, and protected you, Ann, deep inside until you were ready to emerge. So think kindly of him, and realize that he did the best he could for all those years."

I really broke down at that, during that session, and wept bittersweet tears at the fact that, yes, he did do best, as severely misguided as he was. And whether or not it is a fact that he did or did not truly exist seems like an academic point, now, and no one, not even a clinical psychologist, really actually knows if he truly "existed." And at this point hun, so what? We've got enormously bigger fish to fry, no? Like rebuilding our lives, and nurturing and sustaining our happiness. I finally shed the hand-wringing angst, as the past only remains as a series of facts from which I learn and apply as lessons to the present. Should-haves and could-haves are smoke on the wind, and according any more validity than that to those thoughts of the past destroys my happiness right here, right now.

Your posts demonstrate you are a beautiful, kind person Paulette, and I can imagine how good your life now is, and how much better it will be in the years to come. I suggest you leave "him" out of the picture from here forward, and relegate that old construct to the bin of "he who shall remain unnamed, " too. :-)

All the best to you honey,

)0( Ann )0(

[Rianna Humble]

I find that increasingly if I have to talk about pre-transition I refer to it as "when I was being Robert" - in other words, I don't see Robert as a different person to Rianna but rather as a role I played for far too long

[kimdl93]

I am concerned about the obsessive thinking too. Your mind can get caught in an endless loop and spiral away from reality. So stop that. And work on who you are, rather than where your feelings came from. You can never know that with certainty. But you can find a place today that works and is satisfying for you.

[Angela Campbell]

I never had to struggle with that issue. I always knew, the issue I always had to struggle with was whether or not to do something about it, and not knowing what to do or how to do it. I guess to simplify my struggle was with fear.

[Sara Jessica]

Let's just say for a second that your therapist is correct. Does this mean that "nurture" becomes the reason we are who we are? If so, I have a hard time believing that for many of us, the experiences from birth to our earliest memories (3 or 4 years?) would lead to such a deep-seeded reality that is utterly contrary to that which a cis-gendered society dictates.

I would add that my childhood was absolutely normal with nothing in the way I was treated by my parents or anyone around me to "encourage" me to become this way. I have no question that I was born with it.

[Marleena]

I was thinking this morning about how messed up I've been since childhood. Yes, I went from full acceptance when I started in this section to looking for answers on what happened to me. I went as far as to see if I was a DES baby and that is a possibility. Since there is no medical test to prove one is TS, unlike other birth defects, it was hard for me to just go by how I felt and what I believed. I needed proof.

When I was younger I knew I was different from all of the other boys but I sure didn't have a body like my sister. I never thought it possible I could be a girl, I just knew I was different and didn't fit in, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I struggled until my twenties when I tried to transition myself which failed and I learned to suppress most of this at least to a point where the GD was under control.

Now I know my reality, don't like it, but I had to get the GD under control this time when it came roaring back. It was if when I stopped being busy from a work injury it got me again. The timing is awful and I wasn't prepared but that's life and I'll do as much as I can to cope.

This is my short version. I could write pages on all of the struggles over the years.

*edit*

Oh and I've done the self hate thing too, hating my body, calling myself a freak and the whole nine yards. It doesn't change my reality.

[Angela Campbell]

The medical profession largely does not want to study this. They would rather pretend it does not exist. Yes some changes are being made and it is getting more of an accepted medical condition, but by and large most doctors do not know a thing about this and sadly many therapists and psychologists are biased a bit by personal beliefs. There has been little study on the subject although there has been some, but it is very small compared to other medical or psychological issues. Sadly to some doctors it is in the same category as UFO's.

They do not know the cause - considering the ones who believe it to be a biological thing - they have no real way to diagnose, and treatment is mostly trial and error. There are a lot of theories heavily argued but no real explanation at all really. Even though the treatment under WPATH is somewhat standard there is a lot of variance. It is better than it was just a few years ago and this is evident by the increased numbers of us who have started to seek treatment. People who would never have done so not all that long ago.

I have two cousins who are medical doctors and I asked them about gender dysphoria and transsexualism. They both looked through their library of medical books and came up with 3 or 4 single page statements about it, and did admit that in medical school and residency there was no mention of this at all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have no question that I was born this way...
none...zero...

Paulette I would put this is the camp of doing everything you can to challenge yourself... I crossdressed and viewed myself as a crossdresser...I TORTURED myself with thoughts of doing the wrong thing...hurting my family and that I was just extending crossdressing into some fetish to destroy my life with a transition..

none of these came to pass...looking back I understand much better that this thinking for me was just defensive thinking that I was using to try desperately to not transition!!!!...

so take some time and step back... you made lots of inner monologue statements to yourself over many years...you made judgements based on being a kid and not knowing what to do that perhaps are so ingrained you are not getting around them...

in the end, are you doing better with your quality of life?? if so, then you already know the answer anyway..

[Kimberly Kael]

I find that increasingly if I have to talk about pre-transition I refer to it as "when I was being Robert" - in other words, I don't see Robert as a different person to Rianna but rather as a role I played for far too long

This is a pretty good description of how I feel, too. Our outward presentation is always a construct subject to influence by cultural expectations, but it can feel more or less true to our inner nature. I'd lose any honest debate about whether it is the only way I could be. I suspect I could pretty comfortably choose to be a short-haired butch lesbian, but I enjoy putting more time and energy into my wardrobe and embracing a more femme side. Whose choice should it be, if not mine?

So there's definitely some element of choice involved. How much? Could I have continued with a male persona? Maybe, but I wouldn't have been as happy and could see myself spiraling into anger or depression over it. So why should I? It always felt like an awkward fit and it just doesn't matter to me why that was the case. After decades of trying different wardrobes and labels I finally embarked on what most people would see as an extremely difficult path ... and found that I felt right at home. That made it clear enough where I fit in this complex world.

[Badtranny]

After decades of trying different wardrobes and labels I finally embarked on what most people would see as an extremely difficult path ... and found that I felt right at home. That made it clear enough where I fit in this complex world.

Yes. That's really quite profound. If you're able to find joy in the midst of transition, then I think it's a safe bet you're doing the right thing. When coming out to someone else becomes the best part of your day, you are very likely on the right track.

[gonegirl]

OK, that's gotta go in the official Book of Tranny

I've never reflected upon that before, but right now as I think about all the people I've come out to I realize that it has always been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. Being authentic with yourself and others will do that to you. :)

[Badtranny]

Yeah, I'm full of great stuff like that.

Everybody's always telling me I'm full of it.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Paulette, you journey is way different from mine (being a CD with 2 personalities [male dom] and also OCD), but I have a question about Paul.

In a situation, in the dark hours of the morning, on the way home from clubbing, 2 or 3 thugs try to steal your purse or otherwise hurt you, would Paul attempt to help you?

We all have a past (some male, some violent, some depressed etc), and while we all have a "wish list", is it not our past that defines who we are now?
My dad used to say "if only we won lotto, if only we had a bigger car, if only...." We got his meaning - there is no such thing as "If only.."

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion you wrote a very good and profound thread Paulette that has left little doubt in my mind that you have been experiencing GD.

In my opinion being Transsexual is both about nature and nurture but without nature, nurture does not matter.

This means that nurture cannot make someone Transsexual. There must be a component to it that you are born with and it becomes obvious when you associate with enough Transsexuals because you begin to see the familiar pattern.

In your case the pressure to "man up" for survival was intense so you went deeper into repressing your already formed gender identity.

This probably describes what happens to some extent to 99 & 9/10 percent of those born Transsexual.

Society is extremely intolerant of Transsexual children and quickly the child from the fear of knowing they are different pushes their identity deep inside to avoid social exclusion and the potential for violence.

I doubt if many on here have avoided some form of bullying as children because children are good at sensing when someone is different from them and probably those who avoided being bullied did so by becoming bullies. Do onto others before they do onto you.

If sex and gender are separate why do so many Transsexuals have "homosexual" feelings or experiences.

In my opinion the same biological forces that shape us into woman also touches are sexuality but sex can be subverted where gender identity cannot.

The reason is simple. Sex is relational but identity is personal. You can bend relationships far more easily than you can bend yourself.

The pain a person experiences when they reject their sexuality can be great but if you reject your identity you step into an existential crisis which results in Dissociative Identity Disorder.

This is created in us by others by not acknowledging (seeing) and respecting our known gender identity and more so by threatening us with some form of punishment if we do not reject ourselves as we know ourselves to be

We are made sick by the world that turns us against ourselves.

Than in puberty our bodies betray us so we are doubly attacked. Not only do we change in ways that further fragment our identity but the power of sex works against us because we are dependent on the body we have to be sexual.

This is further exacerbated because the power of identity pulls at you so you look for an identity "proxy" so form relationships with men or woman where you can use her body and life to "live through" or the mans to feel and experience your identity (womanliness)

Everything conspires to destroy the transsexual who is frantically looking for and wanting to give life to their identity in anyway possible.

You live in a constant existential crisis that must be resolved or escaped.

You live in a reactive state between to opposites constantly being bounced back and forth like a tennis ball.

One is escape into addiction or some mindless distraction but anything that turns off the mind so it stops that constant seeking for "truth" which is the push to find that lost and suppressed gender identity.

Another is trying to use sex to replace gender identity so you try to be a woman with a man but with the body of a man which will take you right into severe depression but you will think in terms of morality and not gender further adding to your confusion.

Or you will use sex with a woman to live sexually through her as a woman which is equally fatal.

Regardless sex becomes a tool to replace gender identity but not only does it not work it makes the dysphoria worse.

The world of the transsexual becomes one of trying to use illusion to replace reality but this never works for long

You will try to live as a woman in a world that see's you as a man so treats you as such by finding you "perverse" further pushing you away in your attempts to be nearer "yourself" by trying to live as you know yourself to be.

It does not surprise me that there are so many late transitioners because at some point you run out of options and methods and must face the truth and problem squarely.

I understand why your therapist does not want you to reject Paul but it is not Paul as a name but you as a person as that person that exists independent of gender that needs to be kept.

No Transsexual in my opinion should turn their backs on their life or their selves but simply seek to find that which has been denied and expand on this to give life to that which they were forced to reject and sometimes kill.

Your gender identity is ultimately your soul and without it you live soullessly so unfinished and incomplete.

Living as a woman is a hard life but it is much harder to not live at all.

[Marleena]

Yeah, I'm full of great stuff like that.

It figures! I go off on a long rant about wanting proof why I turned out this way and Melissa posts a couple of lines and "bingo". *sigh*

Great thread and replies BTW.

[Angela Campbell]

Wow Kelly, sometimes it is like you have lived my life.

[FurPus63]

In a situation, in the dark hours of the morning, on the way home from clubbing, 2 or 3 thugs try to steal your purse or otherwise hurt you, would Paul attempt to help you?

Paul would break down crying! Paulette would have the courage to kick 'em in the balls!LOL! More on this to come, as I do like your provactive question and it gives me something to think about! Thanks!

Kelly;
Your post is so awesome! I didn't want to quote it here because it is rather lengthy, but right on! You make a good therapist. I thank you so much for your wonderful insight into my world! That is so cool! I'd like to expand some on the points you make, but it's late, I'm tired and need to go to sleep. Soon though, I want to get some of my thoughts on what you wrote out. Thanks again.

Paulette

[mary something]

it is a lot easier to accept and have pride in being a woman than it is as a transsexual for many people. Problem is that for us we first need to embrace being transsexual to get to woman status.

[LeaP]

I also have no doubt whatsoever that I have been like this since birth. Certain behaviors started preschool and there are even aspects of coping mechanisms to go back to pre-adolescence. From those times to the current day, I have experienced psychological "freeze" reactions and electrification reactions when confronted with anything related to sex or gender. They trigger a really strong flight and hiding response.

I went through an intense period of doubting my sanity a couple of years ago - seriously. It was like experiencing two entirely different world views. Two different versions of me. They can't coexist, and during the period when they were competing for dominance, I was very disoriented.

Gender identity is more than a feeling. It is more than "just" knowing your gender. It colors everything you do and think. It is the standpoint from which your perspective and motives spring. When your identity arises from out of repression, it is deeply disturbing. Everything you understand about yourself gets turned upside down. I experienced a feeling of losing my grip on reality. I suppose that's a different form of self-doubt.

I can easily see how this kind of repression can turn into dissociative disorder (multiple personality). And I was indeed evaluated for it at that time. Thankfully, that was not the case. But I view one of my coping patterns – an extreme form of compartmentalization – as a sort of lesser form of the same thing. In my case, Lea would come out periodically. I experienced these episodes in a sort of reverie state. They were invariably followed by self loathing and purging, upon which I simply pushed it all away as if it did not exist and never happened. The difference between that and dissociative disorder is there is no forgetting, no total transformation aspect where one personality is supplanted by another. I always retained full knowledge and memory of the episode, but simply "chose" to ignore it. If I did focus on it, it quickly turned to the same self loathing experienced after the episode. I could deny the issue and denounce it without the slightest feeling of lying conflict, too. After all, that wasn't "me."

My psychological freeze-ups are related. These happened outside of dressing episodes anytime I came across something related to sex and gender, particularly transsexualism, or anytime a sex or gender topic was too close to home. That could be a joke, a correction, being inadvertently caught in some off-gender expression. They could be triggered by simply being in a group of males when the conversation was, well, too male. Even when I was participating!

All of these still happen to a degree. I recently noticed the reaction can be triggered by association! When it is hitting someone else a little too close to home. When this happened recently, an interesting thing followed. I compartmentalized that, too. I initially ignored it as if it didn't happen. I "knew" I had done this, but I didn't allow myself to know it, too. Sounds weird, but that's the way it came down.

So the pattern of compartmentalization and hiding continues. The direct impact of those is also now to others and not just to me as I struggle to get past the reaction and surface the feelings and deal with the real issue.

As I do this, I'm still struggling with the flight reaction and am trying to explain what's going on at the same time. If there was ever an opportunity to introduce doubt, this scenario is one of those times. How so? Because even starting from a point of solid self-knowledge, you will now find yourself being questioned by others at a very fundamental level. As you open yourself up in this way, you also open yourself up to some risk. The only way to properly engage in this kind of dialogue is to do so psychologically openly, to listen to others' perspectives and to test them against your own.

Rather than introducing doubt, though, what I found in this is how subtle a thing gender is. Things that may not in others be attributable to their gender at all (as evidenced in their alternative viewpoint on something I described in myself) are in my case sometimes rooted in gender. Or something they feel is gender-related in themselves, I do not. We also have the dubious distinction of having perspective on the difference between innate versus learned gender manifestations. The mix and interplay of those is unique to each of us.

Cleaning up the detritus of our lived lives is a long, complex process. When people describe this as existential, they aren't kidding or exaggerating. There are different sources of doubt and different kinds of doubt at several points along the way. As long as I can close my eyes and feel the rightness of what I know and feel now, those things can't undermine me because I can distinguish how such things make me feel from what I know. I know enough about how and why I react now to see the difference.

Returning to the "from birth" theme, one lovely thing about the earliest childhood experiences is that they were untainted by such mixed feelings. They were pure. And in those times when I close my eyes, what I feel now is what I felt then. It's a powerful confirmation.

[Barbara Ella]

this a wonderful and thought provoking thread, and there is so much in these posts for everyone to consider.

I lived my life for 65 years as a male. i ignored without acknowledging my feminine interests, dismissing them as nothing more then male interests. My own dysphora at my disability put all my life focus on that and nothing else. So my life was male.

I now realize why i was able to live as a male. I now realize I was born TS. I now realize I am the same person who was just living out the role given. Not really a role, as that implies a simple switch between roles. As everyone knows, nothing easy about existing being TS, and the dysphoria makes it impossible now that I know. i am not two separate people, I have just lived my life in phases of awareness.

Therapists question to make one think, not necessarily to imply any correctness to their statement, and one should never take a statement as a tacit truth, just something to ponder.

Pondering. I do way too much of that, but that is part of my situation.

Barbara

[Rachelakld]

Hi again Paulette and thanks for answering the question.
For me (from my POV as a person with MPD) I would also have killed Paul, maybe have a ceremony and say goodbye forever.
Probably why I wouldn't make a good therapist.

What I do think is your life is really ready to rock, be fun and be really amazing, just think of the future, let the past be your "old story" and nothing more (or maybe a best selling novel).

[morgan pure]

Just because it manifests late does not mean that it is not inate. Many feelings and desires are repressed very successfully by the superego for decades. The sudden need to dress up at 40 doesn't arise from nowhere.