Who am I kidding??!

[Anne2345]

Seriously.

Who the hell am I kidding here??!

What I should do, what my wife who would love nothing more than for me to do, what this whole stupid f'ing world and society would have me do, is flush all of my f'ing HRT meds, purge all of my stupid clothes, makeup, and accessories, remove my stupid earrings, grow back my icky yucky disgusting body hair, get my hair chopped off at a f'ing barbershop like a good little boy, embrace the taint, stank, and poison of testosterone, and man the hell up like every other stereotypical muscle bound grunting burger eating beer belching dude out there.

But we all know that I am not going to do that.

Still, who am I kidding here? You all? The rest of the world? Myself maybe?! Or perhaps I am kidding everyone, or kidding no one at all . . . .

Being stuck in the middle, being caught in between two separate worlds, not being accepted be either world at face value for who I am is a really, really crappy and depressing place to exist.

[whowhatwhen]

I guess it comes down to if you're going to live for yourself, or simply exist for others.

[Frances]

You could woman up and realize that nobody wants you to transition. You could also stop acting like a victim. If you cannot manage the guilt, leave your wife. (I did.) Until a major paradigm shift comes around, transition is something you have to do against and despite the rest of the world.

[Jorja]

First, what comes to mind is, could you do that? Could you revert back to your old self? Would you even want to? Would your life really be better if you succumb to society's view of who or what you should be? I know back in my day, when I was about where you are, those very questions were asked of me. I replied, No frigging way! Call me faggot, call me queer, call me whatever you want but I am not going back, get used to it! Things might suck right this very minute for you. That doesn't mean they always will. Listen to your heart. Trust your instincts. Plot your course and all else be damned. Full steam ahead!

[Amy A]

Anne, I've read quite a few of your posts, and they seem to go round in circles a bit. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you complain about those around you, specifically your wife, not accepting your desire to transition. It seems to me that you have to decide what you want more. If you need to transition, above anything else, then that looks like being the end of your marriage, and you owe it to yourself and your wife to call time on it now and move on with your life. If friends and family aren't supportive, then find new friends.
If however, you can't imagine ever leaving your wife, then you perhaps have to accept that you've chosen a life of a husband, and find whatever way you can to best manage the GD without transitioning.
It's you that has to make the change though if thats what you want. At the moment it sounds like you are waiting for everyone else to fall in line and give you permission.

[Anne2345]

Please do not misunderstand what I have written. I am not racked by guilt over what I am doing, I am not waiting for everyone's permission to do this (because clearly I am doing my thing and am in the process of transition now), and I am not playing the part of the victim. Given the generally confusing nature and style of my writing, though, I can understand how some may think such things about me and this post. I get, though, that I have in the past written about myself here and there in circles for no good, productive, or apparent reason, so there's that, I suppose.

But this post is not about those things. This post is about something else entirely different.


Could you revert back to your old self? Would you even want to?

No, Jorja. I cannot revert back to my old self. Even more, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do so. None. I would not survive it. I could not survive it. That is not even an option on the table. In truth, although it took me a long time to recognize it, it was never a viable and sustainable option to begin with.

[Angela Campbell]

Being in the middle is awkward for sure. But isn't it even a little better than before you began? If it is a little better now, eventually it will be a little better still then maybe a whole lot better.

I can't live as a man anymore, I do not yet have a fully feminine body and face. Sometimes I am not convincing of being either one. I surround myself with people who accept me, if you cannot well, so long. I just cannot do that. I can love someone and not be around them because it is survival.

And Jorga.....I laughed so hard at even the thought of going back. Could I? Go back to what? There was nothing there but a fantasy which has evaporated when I told everyone about me who and what I really am.

And so who are you kidding? Anyone who has any false hope that this is not going to happen.

[Kimberly Kael]

For what it's worth, I know where you're coming from, Anne. There is an enormous amount of pressure from society as a whole and specific people in our lives in particular not to transition. It can be overwhelming. It can feel like the odds of success are overwhelmingly against you, and sadly that's not entirely false. It takes an incredible effort of will and a lot of hard work to make it to the other side, which is why only a few choose to walk this path.

Even my lovely, endlessly supportive wife couldn't help but make me feel like I was betraying her in some fashion, because this wasn't the life together she had hoped for. We're incredibly happy together even now and yet she's still affected by worries for our safety because of an inner monologue that reminds her that two women holding hands is still a novel sight not welcomed by all.

So what I get from your rants is mostly that you've been paying attention. That you get why nobody would tear their life apart like this if it wasn't, deep down, fundamentally necessary. So while I can't say "it gets better" to everyone on the forum I think I can say that if it doesn't feel like it's worth it, then it may very well not be.

[linda allen]

You are kidding yourself if you think your wife is happy to see you quit being the man she married and become a female instead. It's unlikely that you can have both, a happy marriage to your current wife and transition to a female.

I won't pretend to tell you what to do, it's for you to decide, but it's likely one or the other.

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, it was said, that the only people we can kid about this are those that want to be kidded just to be able to say something like see I told you so, why didn't you listen to me before, now come over here and let me tell you what to do next.

NO WAY. I may not go as quickly as I would like for my mindset due to things I want to maintain with the family, and right now there is no way my wife would ask me to back up. I know there is no way you can stop or back up either, and these little excerpts from your thoughts only serve to emphasize the uncertainties and continual questioning we all go through at this stage, and the uncertainty it fuels. It takes great fortitude and knowledge of self to resist the comfort that embracing that uncertainty will provide, for it is fleeting, and totally lost to the return of the fact that we really know who we are, we just have to fight like hell to be who we are.

So please hang in there dear squirrel and store those nuts away for the winter because the cold of winter is sure to settle in on you as it does for a lot of us periodically. We are always here to throw another log on the fire to warm things up.

Hugs,

Barbara

[emma5410]

I am not married so I do not have the pain of that. I am surrounded by supportive people but I have still found it a real struggle. At times I wanted to go back but as others have said, back to what. There is no turning back. That leaves you feeling you cannot continue but without an alternative unless you want to kill yourself.
I posted a few times about the problems I was having and several people, notably Jorja, urged me to carry on because it gets better. They were so right. It did.
The turning point for me was to stop being a victim. Stop feeling that I was being swept along by something I cannot control. I realised all my worst fears are to do with not transitioning. Transitioning is something I really need to do. It will improve my life and it is a positive wonderful thing.
Your old life is over. It ended some time ago. Your new life is just beginning. I do not know if your wife can come along on the journey but it is a journey you have to make. You have no choice and in the end it will be worth it.

[kimdl93]

I don't think anyone is kidding. All you can do is go down this path in a steady, deliberate manner. Give what reassurances you can to your wife and child that you will always be there for them, even though you have changed in fundamental ways. The real you, not masked or distorted, has always been and always will be the Sam bright, articulate, caring person. My hope is that they and others can recognize that.

[Ann Louise]

I can't remember if you're married or not Anne, but if you're not, you're sure gonna make some lucky man or woman one heck of a wild girlfriend...

Woo Hoo!

)0( Ann )0(

[Sara Jessica]

No Anne, you're not stuck in the middle. That's a place which I have embraced and while I have said there is certainly room for you there, you have chosen a different path towards truly becoming the woman you are (for the rest of the world to see and know, for better or for worse). In that sense, it doesn't matter what society would have you do. Peace lies with acceptance of your path and all of the good & not-so-good that might come of it.

Seems the middle you are describing is sort of a gender purgatory where you are making great strides on one hand but unable to truly shout to the world on the other hand. From my admittedly amateurish POV, I would think that the step of RLE will speak volumes as to stepping away from this state of purgatory and learning more about your true potential with this while thing.

IMHO, of course.

[Nicole Erin]

Eventually you will get to a point where being transsexual won't even be a matter.
You are still working on your confidence so you are not there yet.
Eventually you get to a point where you decide, "Some people do not want me to be happy or even alive, but I am gonna be happy and live a life anyways".
So you find a legit (even if but a 9 to 5 grind) job working as a woman, you make friends, go out day to day as a woman, and something I finally plucked up the nerve to try again - DATING. Dating men, women, other TG, whoever.

You have to get to where you are tired of worrying about what the haters think, they do not matter.
For me, oh sure every now and then I get stupid comments like, "Oh damn, that's a man! Ha hahaha..." I would worry about it but I am too busy living life to stop and entertain morons.