Been outside - advice needed

[GretchenJ]

Hi,
Very newby here, but have been reading the forum for a long time and admired the support and compassion of the community...

Have been dressing for 40+ years! am very happily married and am very much in the closet. I have had to travel a lot more for business recently, with overnight stays, which has given me the opportunity to venture out as Gretchen three times for the past two months - and the first time ever. These have been no more than 10 minutes or so, and a night, and low traffic areas. The result of which has been fear, panic, excititement, and finally accomplishment over the very small success. It must be the same range of emotions as bungie jumping must feel like:)

I would really like to step out for a little longer and not avoid a human being within 100 feet from me, but there are two things that stand in my way.

1. Fear of being outed - I have taken meticulous steps to avoid my secret from being known. When I have ventured out, I have made sure to drive at least 10 miles from the office in fear of possible contact with a co-worker. This I believe I can control somewhat.

2. My personality- I am not thick skinned, am very introverted my nature, and am probably have my head down, which is probably not helping my passibility, and the fear of being found out terrifies me. My goal is not to pass but rather to blend. The courage of those who have been able to go out and not think twice has my deepest and most profound respect.

Any hints or suggestions on what I can do to get by the next hurdle would be greatly appreciated

Thanks!!!
Gretchen

[rachael.davis]

Hi Gretchen

Some of the best advice I've been given

you are now operating in a world where you do not have male privilege, and probably won't be offered women's courtesies, at least for a while.
trust your intuition, if something feels wrong get back in your car and run for it
stay out of bad neighborhoods,
if you have a problem with your car lock the doors, and call Triple A or the police,
don't leave your bag on the passenger seat in plain view.
add on put a "bug out" bag in your car with a windbreaker, sweatpants, sneakers, and makeup remover in your trunk

Enjoy it

[Lynn Marie]

Getting out the door sure gets your blood moving doesn't it. I really can't improve on what Rachael just posted, other than find a CD girlfriend. It's so much fun to get out with friends.

[AllieSF]

Good advise so far. Since you say that you are introverted, that is one area that you can work on in male mode that will definitely help you in female mode, though I have seen the opposite happen too, i.e. introverted in male mode and extroverted in female mode. Think of it like being required to give a formal speech to a large crowd, something that I always hated even though I am very extroverted. I finally decided that it was something I had to do, needed extra preparation and that it would be over so many minutes after my allotted time started, meaning that it would start and stop rather quickly. The other thing I did was put myself in situations where I had to overcome that fear in little steps. It worked for me until I no longer had to deal with it.

Since you have only been out a few times, just keep taking those small steps and make them more frequent if possible. Repetition will help you increase your confidence and give you experience to realize that most of your fears are home grown and can be over come. Having a sidekick, or going to support group meetings really can make a difference too. If you could network with members here or through a support group, you may find a compatible friend who would like to join you for your moments out. I liked to go out at night because I felt safer, but I always went and still go to safer venues where looking over my shoulder is required less, though I always look over my shoulder - street smarts. Good luck.

[Jenniferathome]

Gretchen, First and foremost, AllieSF is to cross dressers as Yoda is to the Force. I have seen her in action, amazing! So, follow her advice. Second, who is going to "find you out"? You can always travel one or two towns away to guarantee that no one will ever know you. Without knowing what you look like, I can almost guarantee that you will be spotted as a cross dresser. The reason is that so few can pass as a female, that the odds are against you. So what? Most people don't care an just want to go about their lives. Act like you belong and that goes a long ways. Hang your head like you have committed a crime and you may as well have fireworks going off over your head. Baby steps are a good idea. When I go out now and I am driving, I don't even think about being dressed. That wasn't always the case. By the way, be careful when you go out at night. Women do not walk alone at night.

Good luck,

[Rachelakld]

Not really like bungie jumping, okay you do need balls for both, but bungie is over within seconds and can hurt if it goes wrong.
With CDing, just think what a normal GG would do, like would they walk in the park late at night, would they go in to a rough bar or would they prefer a nice brunch at the historic house down the road or a coffee somewhere nice?
Don't forget to take makeup wipes, and get wife's advice and help, they are normally quite good at being fem.

[Barbra P]

You wrote that you are very much in the closet; does that mean that you’re so deep in the closet that your wife doesn’t know about your dressing? I ask because stepping out increases the odds of being “outed” by a huge factor. Not much can go wrong in your motel or hotel room, while you while away the evening dressed in all your feminine splendor. But step out that door and all bets are off, you can be recognized, you can have an accident while driving, you can get stopped by the police, you can catch a heel and turn an ankle, you can be assaulted, and a myriad of other things. One thing I picked up on here from some of the members who are out and about on a regular basis is, when you go out it is only a matter of time until you are outed. It’s sort of like people who ride motorcycles; there are two types, those who have had an accident and those who will have an accident.

Passing is pretty much a myth for 99% of crossdressers; you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. But with practice, wise choice in what we wear, and a good deal of confidence we can manage to blend into the crowd much of the time. Be assured that a certain percentage of the people around you are well aware that you are not in fact a woman, but for the most part they couldn’t care less. Most however are so wrapped up in their own little world and their own problems and thoughts that they don’t even notice you. The more you venture out the more you will learn that most people aren’t even aware that you are there. Watch out for teenagers at the mall, especially the girls, they will clock you in an instant and they can be cruel.

You need to hold your head up and walk with a purpose, keep up with the others around you and try to smile. You’re just another woman in the crowd and as long as you dress and present that way you’ll blend right in.

Any chance you could join a transgender support group in your area? This is a good, and safe, way to meet other transgendered people and get more comfortable around people. I joined such a group in San Diego, they met once a month at Coco’s Restaurant, in a private meeting room. You did have to walk through the restaurant to get to the room and that was terrifying the first couple of times, but soon it didn’t bother me. When that restaurant closed they met in a church rec. room for a couple months and now they meet at a new restaurant, one with a private door for the meeting room.

[reb.femme]

................Have been dressing for 40+ years! am very happily married and am very much in the closet. I have had to travel a lot more for business recently, with overnight stays, which has given me the opportunity to venture out as ............Gretchen

Hi Gretchen,

This was almost my story. I'm out to my wife and her sister, but no-one else. As asked previously, are you out to your wife? Only ask for background (being nosey) purposes really. You don't say where you are. States or UK?

I too seek to blend rather than pass, but how to progress from here is really down to the individual. A local support group is an excellent way to meet others when starting out and provides a safe environment.

Rebecca

[linda allen]

I suspect your avatar photo is not you made up so I'll ignore it. Dressed and with a wig and makeup, how recognizable do you think you are? How about if you add sunglasses? A wig a different color from your natural hair, bangs, and sunglasses make a pretty good disguise. The sunglasses also help you to distance yourself from people you might pass and help to avoid eye contact.

Also, try to act like you belong where you are and are and have been a female all your life. It's the person who wanders around aimlessly and tries to avoid people who attracts attention.

You never know who you might run into. Ten miles is not that far if you can be recognized. I once ran into a co-worker coming out of a convenience store on the other side of a large city, probably forty miles from the shop. I was on the way to a vendor for emergency supplies and he had called in sick that day. He asked me not to mention seeing him there and I didn't.

[AllieSF]

Just to clarify word definitions I have seen in the above posts. most people here use "being read" as being identified as a crossdresser, while "being outed" usually means identified by someone who knows you and then your secret is no longer a secret to that person and maybe to more later on to others who know you as the gossip begins to spread.

[Tammy Nowakowski]

Welcome to our loving and caring family Gretchen

[Jackie7]

My experience is that people will read you as a man in a dress, but that is not the same as recognizing you. If you were to encounter a co-worker in a distant town, your best play would be to walk on by without acknowledging them. As others have noted, most folks are so into their own stuff they don't hardly see anything anyway. Plus the fact that hardly anybody puts much attention on a quiet middle-aged lady who is minding her own business. So be careful and go slow, yes, but not so careful and slow that you give up going out.

[Jill Devine]

My advice? If you are deep in closet then it means you are not willing to share this with friends or family. Then do not go outside - ever!!! It's one thing to sneak around at home behind closed doors and keep it secret. But once you step outside you have very little control of who you bump into. Remember the saying: it's a small world we live in.
Do not risk it!

[Eryn]

First, you have to accept that there is a chance, however small, that the wrong person will find out about Gretchen.

That being said and accepted, then you can look into strategies to minimize that risk.

You should educate yourself on the anti-discrimination laws for your jurisdiction. Although you may not wish to exercise them directly, they can provide a "safety net" if things go wrong.

Distance is your friend. Travel 30 miles from your home in an urban environment and you are likely to avoid contact with familiar people. This isn't an absolute, though. One time Mimi and I were 60 miles from home at an outlet mall and she ran into a friend from her work. No harm, because the friend didn't know me but it could have been a problem if she had. Few of my mundane friends would recognize Eryn, but they would recognize Mimi!

When I first started going out I had very similar thoughts to yours. Still, I was driven to express myself more fully and have been well-served by a no-fly zone and reasonable care to keeping my lives separate. Contrary to our way of thinking, the mundane world is not focused on a game of "Find the CDer" and most of the time we are simply ignored. If you exercise reasonable care you should be fine.

[Beverley Sims]

Gretchen,
I suggest small outings like you have been doing and when you gain a little confidence your times out will increase naturally.
Also you will be able to practice femle mannerisms and when you pass your first people in the street you will get a spurt on with confidence.

[susangirl]

Boy ( or I guess I should say girl ) you have gotten some great advice. Some confidence will go a long way. Once I finally made it out the door into the public arena I was socked how easy it was. I know exactly how you feel while out on your short trips. To dress as a woman feels so frecking incredible. Go to places normal women go. One of the best places is a Starbucks coffee. The work staff could give a rats ass and the customers have never said one thing to me negitve. I look perry good dressed up but not really passable. Most people don't really care. Another great place to go is the movies. Yes you got to get past the ticket window but the movie is great. You can relaxe and make sure you wear a skirt and stockings. The light from the movie screen makes your legs look so good. I have a hard keeping my hands of them. Also remember to pack you purse with cold beer. Makes the walk to the car more fun. Good luck and have fun along the way. If you want, send me a MSG. I travel also and have worked most of the bugs out.

[WandaRae2009]

My first time was when I travelled on business. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I went into a Target that was attached to a mall. Purchased a couple of things and no one really said anything. There were a couple of teenage girls whispering and giggling, I assume they clocked me but I didn't care. I even got the courage to walk through the mall to a payless shoe store. It was a busy evening around 7. Walking to the care I saw a group of several older teen boys and got a little nervous but there were no issues. I don't think they were even paying attention. I then called in a carryout order at Applebees, pulled up in the pickup spot, the server took a double take when I spoke, didn't even try a female voice.

Good luck. I think my next outing will be with other CD's, I think it will just be easier.

[Launa]

If you don't go to the same places you go to as your male self then the chances are slim that you'll bump into anybody you know unless you live in a small town.

Go live your life and stay 1/2 smart about where your going.

[Stephanie Lynne]

So much great advice from a great group of girls. Take it slow. Be far away from your normal places. People really don't care. The movies are easy and exciting. The more you get out en femme, the more you will want to get out en femme. Enjoy!!

[NathalieX66]

Number One advice for any beginner: complete self-acceptance....which will build self confidence.

When you don't worry about what others think, unless you face the situation of being assaulted by someone not so understanding , your self confidence alone, and being at ease will have a good chance of (as I like to say) disarming people.

[Sheren Kelly]

I can't help with advise on self acceptance, that is work that you must do on your own.

However, once you muster the confidence to go out, you will in all probability be read as a CD unless you are naturally gifted with feminine form and grace. This usually isn't a problem for others if it is not a problem for you. People will take their cue from you and treat you accordingly. If you hide in the shadows and act as if you are ashamed of yourself, then others will follow suit. My experience tells me going to the high end services guarantees you acceptance (your cash is the same shade of green in the US as everyone else's). So go to a nice restaurant, go to an art gallery, go to an upscale hotel lounge and you will be treated well by the staff.

[jjjjohanne]

Reconsider going out at night to deserted places. That's kind of dangerous. Go out in the day time when nice people are there. No one cares what you wear. Go to a 24 hour grocery store before work. Makeup is optional. Consider hiding a key on your car. Clothing stores are nice. They are used to us. A restaurant is scary. I find foreigners less frightening. If you have an area of town that is more hispanic or asian, you might find it more comfortable (assuming you are American).

[GretchenJ]

All I can say is WOW.

I logged in tonight , saw all of the replies, and my eyes started tearing up. As I am writing this now I am tearing up again. My deep found thanks to each of you, and the wealth of information and advice that has been given to each and everyone of you.

This is the first time I have told anyone about my feminine side, including my wife. My wife would probably not divorce me, and she might even accept my cross dressing, but things would change between us. I would rather put the clothes in the attic, than risk the relationship I have with the loving person I have been with for a quarter century. I like my male side, my 90% side and will not put that at risk. But more importantly, I am coming to grips with my 10% side and I can be at one with my feminine side while wearing a suit or tie! or during my one hour commute. But the last three time I have been out as Gretchen , I have felt so "free" and it was uplifting.

Since all you were so kind in spending time out all of your day in giving me your knowledge and experience, let me answer some of your questions....

Rebecca- I live in the northeast US.

Allie - You are spot on. My slight depression, my shyness, self-consciousness, and my introvert ness probably led me to cross dressing at 8-9 years old. Perhaps me recently stepping out en-femme is me trying to break out of my comfort zone ?

Linda- the picture in my avatar is not me, if it was me I would have no issues stepping out :) picture is from one of my favorite movies called Zerophilia which is a transgender fiction movie.

I am at least 150 miles from my house at my off-site work location,so the relative risks of running into someone is somewhat remote. It is a safe neighborhood, and in the suburbs. Gretchen will NEVER see the light of day in my home town - risk/reward is too great to bring embarrassment to me, but more importantly my family.

Finding a support group is a great idea - but matching to my work schedule is a bit tricky.

A bug out bag is a great idea. The last time Gretch ventured out, she lost her hotel key card. I had thoughts of having to sleep in my car, but then remembered that I put the other key card in my purse.

Jenn- you should offer advice for a living, the way you break things down to the basic element and put people's mind at ease is a true gift. I wish that I lived in Idaho!

Eryn - you scare me! - the last paragraph of your reply was like you were reading my mind.

I again would like to personally thank each and every one of you who replied to me. I will in all likelihood read all of this tomorrow ( and most likely cry again) . I am honored to be a member of this group, and I am proud to call each and every one of the 6000 members my friend.

Good night and be safe
Gretchen

[DeeArel]

Gretchen

I must warn you, a hotel key card next to a cell phone may cause it to be erased and not function. I always get 3 keys for my room. After making sure they all work, I store one in the car just in case. It also helps to keep the key in the purse in the little envelope or folder that they give you at check in.

You live in and travel in the NE. There are some wonderful places to visit in the evenings the next time you get out. There are also some wonderful people on this site that would welcome you to join them when they get out.

[ShriekCassandra]

I'm extremely introverted and self conscious too and still wouldn't dare going out like this even if I moved to a town of complete strangers far away from my personal contacts. You should be very proud of yourself. Do you somehow feel more confident when you are dressed? as If you can sweep away all the traits people know you for normally and believe you can be someone totally new and different personality wise even for just for a few hours? I find it very liberating.

[MissTee]

Welcome Gretchen. Sounds like the chance to get away has you exploring your femme side a bit more than usual. Be careful as the freedom can be addictive.

You've received a lot of good advice here on going out. Given that you are in the closet, I think the advice on the risk of going out is appropriate. You just never know. Also, the wife not knowing is profoundly problematic if you do get caught.

Be careful and good luck!

[GretchenJ]

In the timing is everything department- have just been informed that my presence will be needed for a full week offsite within the next 30 days. Gives me plenty of time to prepare and more opportunity to practice my self confidence. Also gives me time to plan, all of the suggested destination points are worth me bringing out the map and start plotting out a course, may try the coffee idea, but would require working on a voice by then. Also may research some TG friendly sites in the area.

Extremely petrified and extremely excited beyond belief at the same time.
What the worst that can happen, right (repeat to myself x times)
Gretch