Why do we have to come out?

[Cheyenne Skye]

Why do we have to come out? I mean seriously. This is something that is deeply and intensely personal. It is not something I feel I need to go up on the roof and shout out to the world-"Hey everybody, I'm transgender and transitioning.". I feel as though I am at a crossroads regarding telling my work. I am still considered a dude by my coworkers and management even though I have grown my hair quite long, have come in with my nails done, and now I'm wearing sports bras under my shirt which are probably noticeable. My company has an anti harassment and discrimination policy and this year they added trans benefits to our company's insurance plan. So why wouldn't I just call HR and get the ball rolling already? Policy or not, things happen at the store level that corporate has no clue about. Most of my male coworkers pretty much have the emotional maturity of a bunch of teenagers in a high school locker room. And some of the management isn't much better. I'll admit I have some anti social tendencies so I don't always relate well with others. So how can I expect them to take me seriously about this. Even with the corporate policy, I expect the off-color jokes to continue as a daily occurrence. Perhaps the ones about me would be behind my back. I have pretty thick skin but even so, dealing with these troglodytes on a daily basis can wear a person down.

Or maybe I'm just scared and need to work through my fears. I'll admit I didn't properly prepare for my transition. After I told my wife what I wanted to do, my marriage fell apart. And once I came to grips with it, I asked my therapist for my letter to start hormones. At that point, all I could think of was I'm finally free- full steam ahead. But now, a year into HRT, I look back and wish I had planned better. My breasts have developed to the point I can't really hide them anymore, and my doctor has even said that my face and body shape have changed a bit as well. So I guess I can't hide much longer. I guess I didn't think I would reach this point so quickly. I thought I would have more time to get my s**t together. And because of my divorce, I'm now on the verge of living in a cardboard box. Every penny I earn either goes to the bills, the ex or my lawyer. I have nothing left for myself, far less a transition. I had to cancel my electrolysis appointment for tomorrow because I can't afford it. And I only go once a month.

There is yet one more piece to this puzzle. A little over a year ago, I got my niece a job at my work and she is still there. She knows about me being trans but she is only 20 years old and not quite as mature as I would like. So if I came out at work, I would need to discuss it with her personally before I did anything. I would hate for her to have to also deal with the repercussions of my actions.

So what should I do? Why can't I just live my life? I go out as my true self everywhere but work. Do these buggers really need to know this about me? Or do they already know but unless I acknowledge it, it's not "real"? In which case, I don't need to do anything.

Opinions appreciated.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I think you need to do what is best for you , that said, I hear a whole lot of warnings in your post, yes you company may now be 'politically correct' with LGBT policys, but from what you have posted, it sounds like either management or HR have not publicly instituted a sensitivity policy towards GLBT issues. I would start with talking to HR , if you are going to transition, then that is the place to start. I wish your well, and support your decision to transition. Be at peace and know you will find support here.

[Angela Campbell]

The changes reach a point where it is obvious something is going on so it is either...... let them think what they may...... or come out and control the information as best as you can. I made the decision to control as much of this as I can some time ago and things have gone very well for me. Just letting things happen will often turn out in a way you didn't want.

[vikki2020]

Seems like we are in a very simular quandary. As far as work is considered,at least. I don't know "why", but, I can tell you that it's something in me that is clawing to get out. I just feel that much more empowered,with every person I tell. Like you, I've grown my hair, and have been giving subtle hints at work---no hormones,though---yet. I told one girl at work, who is a close friend. I suspect that others have a good idea. I just feel that coming out will work best for me, and when the dust settles, I'll take inventory.

[kimdl93]

It seems that if your appearance is changing, you have noticeable breasts, etc, that the cat is very nearly out of the bag. You need to demonstrate maturity, something you find lacking in those around you, by taking control and getting out in front on this process. Talk to HR, make sure you protect your rights and do so before it becomes obvious to everyone.

[stefan37]

Transition is a very public process. You can try to control the message but once out spreads like wildfire. It all depends on your comfort level. Can you live as a female except for work? If so then do it and ignore any negativity.your transition id your journey and how you reach your comfort level id in your control.

[Leah Lynn]

When the time comes, assuming I'm still at the same job, the only changes, for me, anyway, would be in changing undies, shoes and hairstyle. I'd still have to wear the same uniform. Changing some attitudes in the shop will be essential. Most of the guys know something is going on. My arms are shaved, my hair is getting long, the breasts are a bit more prominent.

I wish the job transition could be done without fanfare, or any hoopla, but it seems it has to be a major event for most companies. If they could give every other employee a letter, outlining the company's policy, and State and Federal policies, and state that's the way it will be in the workplace, and let a person just slip into her new life.

Just a thought.

Leah

[Angela Campbell]

My job also uses a uniform which will not change, same for women as for men.....but I will look quite different.

[mikiSJ]

Cheyenne, you don't list your location but my guess is Wyoming. I would try to locate some counsel locally to help with your finances. Having to live hand to mouth in a substandard condition, while being fully employed is inhumane. If you do not have to pay child support, then I would petition for a more equitable split on the spousal support. Excessive spousal support is simply retribution for something your wife is annoyed with.

[arbon]

You don't have to just keep doing what you are doing if that works for you

[KellyJameson]

One of the questions I would always ask myself is if I would transition if I lived on an island alone with no chance of ever encountering another person

I wanted to peel back all the layers and find that pure expression of my gender identity which took me back to my earliest years where I uncovered and remembered memories of absolutely believing I was a girl.

It was not a "I want to be a girl" it was a "I am a girl".

Than as I was "told and controlled" that I was not a girl but a boy I started to look for ways to fix myself by changing the outside and escaping into fantasy to keep me alive " as my gender identity"

Gender identity is extremely durable and becomes a part of the fabric of your brain. It is literally cut into the physical brain and you cannot remove it as "the conviction of what you are".

So I had this identity that was dramatically influencing my life on a subconscious level so I became two people living in one body. The one that I created ( automatically) as how I knew myself to be in childhood and the one created for me because of the body I lived in and they were always at war with each other.

Once you lose the false identity that was forced on you the identity that you had chosen because you knew it was natural for you, asserts itself and wants to be recognized and lived.

I would live on a deserted island as a woman because that is how I truly have always know myself to be and this became obvious once I stopped repressing this identity, that was always leaking out of me anyway making me do all this excentric behavior to "live my identity"

Gender identity is ultimately a physical thing because you are identifying with that which is physically defined. It has substance (body) even though it is also abstract (mind).

A woman is a woman because she is not a man and the body is one way we determine this.

When I identified as a girl ( gender identity ) that I adopted and formed in my mind, bodies did not matter because I knew myself as only pure mind and found myself in the minds of other girls and woman so it was my brain/mind finding myself in the brain/minds of other girls.

Like recognized like.

Bodies were irrelvant and only truth mattered. I think this is key to understanding why we form our gender identities contrary to our bodies.

As an adult, gender goes beyond what the child instinctively knows and becomes a social construct built on top of this original gender identity.

In my opinion you transition to live out your known identity that was created in the first years of life because of your biological predestination that you experienced in others like you "so identified with" to satisfy this social construct and it is inside this social gender construct that you are now able to have the FREEDOM ( Hats Off to Melissa who nailed it) to be what you already know you are.

You take the abstract and make it physical. Both the abstract and the physical are real but they both need to be "combined" to be fully experienced and so to be fully FELT and KNOWN

There are certain forms of pain related to gender dyshoria.

One is being influenced by the subconscious identity that keeps trying to assert itself but you consciously have no idea what it is or why it is. It lives below your awareness and leaves you thinking you are mentally ill and it also can make you mentally ill if it goes to long without resolution.

Once you bring up this lost and buried gender identity than it becomes conscious and you have all these little epiphanies and feel the pressure slowly being released inside your head that you have been carrying around.

This is a movement from untruth to truth. From unreality to reality. From insantity to sanity.From sickness to health.

This is still mostly an abstract experience depending on how much you have changed your outward appearance.

You now know what you are so there is less pain psychologically but you are still in pain because you consciously know yourself but cannot physically experience yourself so you only have one half of what you need to be fully human.

A mind without a body.

Crossdressing will help create the taste of reality through illusion but this is "form without substance" and the mind knows it is not real so it "pleases but also torments".

Gender must be made physical because we are abstract (mind) creatures who live through our physical bodies.

The body is nothing without the mind and the mind turns on itself without a body because the mind cannot tolerate living in a vacumn of nothingness.

Gender must become physical and so it must be shared if you are going to live among others.

Another aspect of the physical that confirms our existence is being mirrored by others.

A person goes into mental illness when they remove themselves from society because it is by having our existence and perceptions confirmed by others that we are able to believe in what we perceive as reality.

Without others you will lose the faith that you know how to determine what is real versus unreal and why children depend on adults for reality testing.

Gender is your reality but it must be confirmed by others to be fully experienced.You can believe with conviction but you will not know as feeling because feelings are physical.

There is no way around this because it is an existential problem designed into us and affects every single human being and one of the big reasons we are social creatures.

To know gender fully you must make it physical and you must be mirrored (seen) by others.

To the degree this does not happen you will not experience your gender so it will stay as an abstract concept but not a known experience.

You will think it but you will not feel it.

[Barbara Ella]

It always seems that where we are is where we thought we might be in the future. Just remember that you only have to do what you think/feel is right for you at the time. Any trepidations and it is a totally acceptable non starter. I feel for your situation, and something might be done, but you still remain, and you are the only one who can deal with that. No, it is not easy, and requires hard decisions, but in the end you just need to be you, wherever that may be, in or out.

Barbara

[Cheyenne Skye]

One thing I forgot to mention is that like Leah and Angela, I too have to wear a uniform which would not change if I do come out completely. And to Miki, for the record I live in Maryland.

[Rianna Humble]

You don't have to come out at work, but then you would be masquerading as a man at work which hardly makes your transition 24/7.

Most companies will only offer protection to L G B or T folk who have declared themselves at least to HR because to assume is another form of discrimination.

I have to admit that I have difficulty getting my head around someone who actually wants co-workers to misgender them. If you are a woman, surely you would want to be treated as a woman?

[Kittie]

What Rianna said.

I'm not "open" about my transsexuality by any means . The only people that know are those who knew me before and those who need to know (and perhaps those who read me(?)). I've fobbed off guys who have shown sexual or romantic interest just to avoid outing myself so specifically - for safety reasons for the most part - another reason being I don't want to walk around with a TS teddy bear tag all my life.

If I had started transition while in employment then yes, I would have had to discuss it with my employer - I couldn't personally deal with taking such steps just to continue to be identified and work as a male? :straightface: Quite simply some people have to know to facilitate your transition... RLE plays heavily into this as discussed in a different thread.

If the issue here is giving a f*ck about what others think about you or your transition then the answer, quite simply, is don't - Do not give a f*ck. :) There is no way you can continue to work in a place you worked as a male and complete transition without some people knowing - unless you fake your death, transform into a completely different person and somehow after all that still be daft enough to believe that going back to work in a shitty place with even shittier co-workers, is a good idea.

[Rogina B]

Like others have said...it is hard to be "half pregnant"..Cheyenne also needs to find a better group to work around in the future..A move and a fresh start to "where nobody knows your name" might be the best plan..Like Kitty said,who wants to work there in the future?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Cheyenne don't tilt at the windmills as they say..

nobody is making you do anything...

its your life... this is about you living as yourself... are you a woman? ...are you certain of your answer?? if so, you have options and its your decision...

try to focus less on how you feel internally and more on what it is exactly that you want to change about your current situation... sometimes that exercise is very difficult but its important because otherwise you'll end up in a cycle of bad feelings that you can't escape...

[Carlene]

We don't have to come out. I feel much the same way as you. I know how I feel inside. I see no reason to present in any particular fashion. I see presentation, by the meaning of the word itself, as something done for others. The manner in which I dress, whether or not I'm in therapy, or taking hormones, etc. are private matters to me.

I think each of us are at a different place on the contiuum of gender. We handle it as individuals, each in our own way.

I wish the best for you on your personal journey.

Carlene

[CarlaWestin]

Just a side note about corporations. Large corporations, such as the one I work for, love to wave that we're gender friendly flag for political correctness perception PR. Be very careful as many are at-will employers. They can end their employment relationship at any time without having to give a reason. Also, there's a sneaky little form being circulated about declaration of disability. If you sign it, the employer has the right to terminate rather than provide ADA requirements. Check with legal counsel if you are truly planning to transition at work. Also, the ACLU has valuable information. All of this post is absolutely true so be very careful.

[mary something]

You've got a lot going on! Maybe it would be best to focus on trying to get the divorce and the lawyer bills over before the coming out?

[Kimberly Kael]

There should be no pressure to come out at work that doesn't come from you. If you don't feel the need? Then don't. You would be shocked at how unobservant other people can be, so despite changes in your body over the last year they'll still see the person they expect to see. When I finally came out at work the fellow in the office next to mine asked if I was going to start carrying a purse. I had to laugh, because I had already been carrying one to work for a year at that point! If anyone is going to notice your feminine aspect, it will generally be people you meet for the first time.

The reason I came out, ultimately, is because I wanted a change in the behavior of those around me. I wanted them to acknowledge my gender with a change in pronouns and name, and the whole trans backstory is necessary to help them understand why. That's it.

[Nigella]

Unfortunately, if you intend to continue working with your present company, there will be a time when you have to come out. Its not just the subtle changes to your skin, body shape and slow breast growth, there is the more obvious changes, like using the female facilities in your work place, the chance of being seen outside of work by your co-workers, to name but a few.

Unless you have a complete change of scenery, go to a place where you are not known, the inevitable is that you will come out, but make it on your terms, it is better IMHO for you to set the pace and tone than let your co-workers do it for you.

[morgan pure]

Wow, wow, wow, I have yet to read any of the replies---Cheyenne, you have my exact situation. I don't know if I am coming or going, and have little support. I love you I love you. I know what you are going through. You can only do what you can do. You have to make your life work the best way you can for you and not let dogma interfere. Now let's see what everyone else thinks. Love you--thank you for existing.

[Kathryn Martin]

Why would even contemplate putting yourself through that wringer. If you are happy working as a male and dressing after work as a female, the consequences of transitioning would not improve your life. Think about it for a moment, you asked the question "why do we have to come out". You don't have to to do anything. Just keep on keeping on.