How to tell an unsupportive SO that you want to attend a support group gathering?

[JaytoJillian]

One typical insult my SO hurls in an argument is, "you're sick and weird. You need to get help!" Well, I have done exactly that--unbeknownst to her I have actually begun seeing a counselor every couple of weeks during my lunch time. By the way, she is fantastic! She has encouraged me by assuring me that the crossdressing aspect of my life is quite "normal." With that said, the counselor has suggested that I join a CD/TV/TG support group, and she was able to readily list a few--one of which is meeting this weekend. The gathering appears to be quite posh and professional. So, what's the problem????

My SO gets violently upset if I want to go out on my own, yet she goes where she wants whenever she wants. She attempts to arrange for my sole "approved" friends to come over if I am going to be home alone---all in order to ensure that I don't CD while she is out. I do not wish to lie about where I intend to go this weekend, but jeez I dont want to have a knock down drag out fight either. I'll discuss this with the counselor Friday as well, but a little free advice from my friends here couldn't hurt.

Thanks!

Cheers,


Jill

[Maria in heels]

Jill...no advice here, just thoughts out loud. On one hand, I can understand that you want to be out and about, and your SO is not being very understanding. Your new therapist is pushing you to take care of yourself first and foremost, which is what most of them do, maybe this is right, maybe only some of it. Being in a relationship and juggling Jill at the same time can be very tough...

I have watched you thru your photo journal and telling of your going out. You live an amazing life, and I did pickup about dressing downstairs ... You have gone much further than many of us, even though I have an accepting wife who has known Maria for over 20 years, but Maria does not feel comfortable and at home in front of her...I can still sense the uneasiness when Maria is around, so I limit Maria's visits. Coupled with the kids growing up, this has become the norm. You sound like there is a DADT policy in your home, which I am sure makes it hard for you...

thats all, I'm going to be quiet now....

[Lisa Gerrie]

She repeatedly told you to "get help". You saw -- and continue to see -- a counselor who recommended a support group. End of discussion. Whatever her reaction, most people would say that you have acted reasonably and I'd stand by my guns.

A therapist told me a long time ago that "crossdressing isn't usually considered to be a problem, unless it causes problems in your life." It sounds like you are stuck in a rough spot, because it is obviously causing problems. IMO crossdressing is like any other marital issue, like money. A lack of money isn't really the problems, it's the friction caused by two people reacting differently to it, placing blame, etc.

[kimdl93]

Maybe the next step should be at least one joint counseling session.

[Rogina B]

Here is my take on it....You are WAY TOO PRETTY !!! She knows that you are attractive and have lots of possibilities...Your SO can't tell you that....So,she wants to control to whom your female side is exposed to....My opinion,anyway....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jill, I really don't have anything to add but I sure hope that you can work this one out.
Maybe like Kim said Joint counseling .

[Beverley Sims]

Reading through this, there is a power struggle going on.
I would try the joint counseling idea and even go in drab to encourage your wife.
Even if you only meet with partial success have another session.

[linda allen]

I think your marriage is in deep trouble. If you want to keep it, you and your wife need to see a marriage counselor. That may or may not help. If she is dead set against you being a crossdresser and if dressing is more important to you than your marriage, you might as well cut your losses sooner rather than later and split up.

This is something you have to decide for yourself. It's a serious decision so don't take it lightly.

[Sarah Beth]

It seems to me there is more to this than just a SO not wanting someone to cross dress. It seems there are much deepter issues, a joint counseling session seems to be the best idea hear. I don't understand why if she wanted you to get counseling that you haven't told her? Of course I am biased here from past experience but counseling, just in terms of your relationship would seem a good idea to me.

[Michele Tara]

You should go anyway, thats sad she isnt supportive. Good luck x

[audreyinalbany]

well yeah, she told you to get help. I think your best bet is to tell her that you're getting help and that the both of you should go to counseling. Problem is that, if you go to the counselor that you've been seeing, your wife may interpret that as having the deck stacked against her, so perhaps you should ask your therapist for a referral to another therapist so that you and your wife can really begin the process together from the same starting point.
I also agree that it seems as though there's more than just the fear of crossdressing going on here. If she doesn't want you going out at all while she can go hang with her gals anytime she wants, there are certainly some control issues that need to be addressed. Again, the counselor can't hurt with those issues either...

[Di]

I think you should tell her you are seeing someone like she requested and that she should attend one with you and she can hear this from someone else.
She needs to hear from the professional there is nothing wrong with the cding and maybe she can understand finally that it is a part of you and there is nothing wrong with you.
Best Wishes

[CarlaWestin]

Maybe the next step should be at least one joint counseling session.
This is the most valuable piece of advice in this thread. Joint counseling sessions really level the playing field.

[tiffanyjo89]

I'm thinking that she has some severe hangups about your CDing that she needs to get help about.

Perhaps, deep down inside, she worries that she is losing the man that she married. She married a "man". She wants you to "be a man". It would probably be extremely beneficial for her to see someone who can help her through her fears and reassure her that she isn't losing her "man". You didn't post anything in this thread indicating a desire to transition, so it's obvious that you are still at least somewhat happy in your "male role".

[Leslie Langford]

Jill, just as water or rain can eventually wear down and erode the hardest stone, persistence on our part can eventually get us to where we want to be.

My wife was never supportive of my crossdressing, but bit by bit has relented. She has known for 5 years now that I go out periodically as "Leslie", but I did this sight unseen albeit with her full awareness. This became a real problem about 6 months ago when she retired and was always around. Having to scale back the way I did initially made me exceedingly irritable and put me on the road to becoming depressed, which was not a sustainable situation.

We have now come to a point where we can pre-arrange my outings, my wife no longer gives me grief about this, and she arranges to be away from the house for the duration. Mind you, it took us 40+ years of marriage to get to this point...

Hope you have the time and patience to do the same... ;)

[Jenniferathome]

Jill, have you invited her to your therapy sessions? That seems the logical place to start.

[Ms. Laura]

I definitely think that there may be some value in the joint counseling. She may need "permission" to NOT be angry about your crossdressing as she has been conditioned to be. Sort of like many of us need "permission" to NOT feel guilty.

I wouldn't just go to the meeting without some arrangement with her, but you two need some arrangement, otherwise resentment will just build and build. Using terms like "You're Sick" is pretty hurtful too, but do you think that she really means that or is just lashing out?

[Sara Jessica]

As much as I am in absolute love with my wife, we'd be having some serious issues if she were to try half the stuff you have talked about your wife doing over the years. Unless there is an understanding on her part about what this means to you, there will never be peace. I agree with the others, counseling seems to be a must. Good luck, and I hope that you are able to go to your group this weekend.

[Brooklyn]

In addition to the joint counseling, meeting with a support group that includes SO's may benefit both of you. Support groups are often more effective than counseling, and it may prove helpful for your wife to meet other women in her position.

[MatildaJ.]

My SO gets violently upset if I want to go out on my own, yet she goes where she wants whenever she wants.

If a guy were getting "violently upset" at his wife's choices, her friends would call him abusive and warn her to think about her safety and get help. But guys aren't the only ones who can be abusive. If you're afraid of her violence & anger, that seems like something you should mention to your counselor...

[giuseppina]

It looks to me that conflict over crossdressing is a symptom of a deeper problem. There is a big power struggle going on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it extends to the usual contentious issues in marriage.

I agree that her seeing a duly licensed and qualified counsellor is the best way forward. If she rejects that or the counsellor's opinion, that is her being unwilling to admit to her own issues.

[DanielleLee]

Hi Jill,

My suggestion would be to ask your therapist. Maybe you've done so and already posted about it. If so, I'm sorry for rehashing old news. My thought is that the therapist should be able to offer ideas or suggestions on how to approach your spouse about this or even if it is time to include your spouse in the meetings. My concern however, is your wife's opposition or general negative feelings towards cross dressing. I'm not sure how she would do in an environment where the therapist is telling her your CDing is "normal", as I'm sure that's probably not what she is going to want to hear. (My spouse would be no different)

Has there been any discussion with your therapist on when you'll need to tell your spouse about the "help" you've been getting? Does she have any thoughts about you keeping it from your spouse and how that relates to trust? Just seems that this omission could be just as dangerous as the one when "we"/"some of us" don't tell out SOs to begin with...

[Karren H]

Over the years of living with an unaccepting wife I have decided that if she wants to get mad.... It doesn't bother me.... Lucky for me she rarely stays mad for more than a few hours.... worst case over night..... and she knows it no longer bothers me.......

[DonnaT]

Time to tell your SO you've been seeing a counselor and one of her suggestions was to attend a support group meeting. Tell her about the meeting and ask her if she'd like to go.

She probably won't, but don't let that stop you from going. Also ask her if she'd like to go with you to your next meeting with the counselor.

[Stephanie47]

I think your wife told you to get help really meant get "cured." Joint counseling sessions is the most viable option to save your marriage. Your wife needs to unload upon the counselor her perception of cross dressing. Obviously, cross dressing has created a problem. You're comfortable with yourself. She is not. That needs to be reconciled. Frankly, if there is no possibility of resolving differences, then maybe both of you need to go separate ways. Your description of your limitations and restrictions would make most spouses run for the divorce court.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

You have so many bonds with your wife. Joint counseling, support groups that you both attend and gut wrenching honest communication probably are your answers . You both love each other. Work hard to make your relationship work. Peace to both of you . Good things will happen...

[reb.femme]

I think your marriage is in deep trouble. If you want to keep it, you and your wife need to see a marriage counselor. That may or may not help. If she is dead set against you being a crossdresser and if dressing is more important to you than your marriage, you might as well cut your losses sooner rather than later and split up.

This is something you have to decide for yourself. It's a serious decision so don't take it lightly.

Hi Jillian,

Linda has put exactly what was in my head. I think you are approaching the crossroads on this one, with a big decision coming. Your SO doesn't seem open to any consideration on this, which is her right of course. I hope it may change, but I don't think she will be happy whatever you do, other than stop CDing, unfortunately.

Rebecca

[Jill Devine]

If a guy were getting "violently upset" at his wife's choices, her friends would call him abusive and warn her to think about her safety and get help. But guys aren't the only ones who can be abusive. If you're afraid of her violence & anger, that seems like something you should mention to your counselor...
Bingo! So true. The partner has no right to become "violently upset" if things don't go their way. She needs to know that it is not normal, mature or acceptable to behave like she does. Perhaps she needs professional help!

[MissTee]

Hmm, her actions sound more control freakish than anything. Are you really OK with that? Ditto to what JessM said about abuse. Sorry, but when I read the part about controlling your schedule that crossed a line. It might simply be desperation on her part, but certainly not healthy in a relationship. My vote's on joint counseling, too.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Jill

We could almost be twins, except that you're so much prettier than I am.

We are living in almost parallel universes.

My wife doesn't accept, but she usually tolerates, although she seems to be running low on toleration lately.

I saw a councelor for 4 years, and as you can see from my signature, I accept and celebrate both sides of me.

I have support. I'm in several local CD/TG/TS groups. I am out and about occasionally with a group of them.

I am planning on going to a meeting this Saturday in a private home with about 30 other girls, plus some supportive SOs and GGs.

I found another therapist and we're supposed to be doing joint counceling now, but my wife seems to miss sessions more than she makes. I'm going alone again this Friday, and I plan to talk to my therapist about whether or not I should go out Saturday.

As for you Jill...

You can either ask for permission or forgiveness (in advance)...

Or you can punt (excuse the mixed metaphor).

Before my wife really knew I was going out dressed, I just used to go out with some kind of a cover story. I hated doing this because it always felt like I was cheating.

Eventually, we got to the point that I felt like I needed to ask for permission. If it upset her, which it usually did, I would usually back off.

Lately, I've been taking the forgiveness route. I tell her that I'm going out, rather than asking her if I can go out. It usually means that I need to find some place "off campus" to change and put on makeup.

I specifically said ask for forgiveness in advance.

What I used to say to my wife was, "I'd like to go out this weekend [with some of my crossdressing friends].

What I say now is, "I'm planning to go out this weekend [with some of my crossdressing friends].

Just slightly different, by implies I'm not asking permission. However, if she gets really upset, I can always agree to change my plans.

But your wife is worse than tolerating. She despises, so I'm not sure anything will work with her, unless you a brave enough to"cross the Rubicon", so to speak.

P.S.

Oh poo. Just after I composed this, I found out that my wife is making an unplanned visit to the therapist, tomorrow, alone. My guess is that she is not just low on toleration, but she has run out completely. I fear that the feces is about to hit the whirling blades. I may be on the banks of the Rubicon myself tomorrow night. Stay tuned to this channel for more news tomorrow night.

[LelaK]

I agree with everyone, but, Jillian, I'd like to hear that you empathize with her. I mean, if the tables were turned, and she were the crossdresser, how would you take it? I can empathize well with people who aren't so attractive and are in a relationship with someone who is attractive, since I'm not very attractive myself (unless I get made up really well). I don't know if attractive people can have much empathy for the less attractive. I suppose they can if they get disfigured, or get a bad makeover.

If you like her, you need to let her know that you really do. You may need to reassure her that you're not interested in others and that you're a faithful person. I've read that women like to get small personal, thoughtful gifts from their S.O.s about once a week and they like surprises. If you haven't done that enough, you could say you're sorry for not being very thoughtful, and start doing it regularly.

Remember: Empathy!

[docrobbysherry]

Jay, I've been following your progress since I first arrived here about 6 years ago. It is my opinion that there's not enuff room for Jill and your SO in the same house!

The only chance u and her may have is joint counseling. If she refuses or walks out, do what u NEED TO DO!

My ex quit our joint counseling when we were married. It was obvious to everyone there that we were done!

[Fran Moore]

Hey Jill, I'm not sure that I could add anything substantial in the way of advice that hasn't already been mentioned here. However, if we can fast forward and boil this thing down to the bottom of the pan, you know you can't change who you are in your heart (a cder for life) and if she absolutely refuses to change her position in any form or fashion regardless of what steps you both take to compromise, then you should prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. In the end it is YOUR life and YOUR happiness that hangs in the balance.

Big hugs to you and best wishes for a favorable outcome.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Jill,

I'm not sure why this bothers you anymore, you are not married and if you don't have kids (i might be wrong) but it seems that there is no reason for you two to stay together with the amount of tension in your household, UNLESS you really like what she puts you through. or is there another reason you two stay together ?

[rachelcdtvcd]

this is how i would tell her if that was my wife: with divorce papers...i'm not one for the "i can go wherever i please, but i have to keep tabs on you" style of relationship...there's an old expression that sounds very applicable here: "what's good for the goose is good for the gander (or would it be what's good for the goose is good for the goose impersonator?...just joking of course!)...a relationship really isn't a relationship when one side is "in control"...isn't the old expression "marriage is a 50/50 relationship"? not actually sure if you're married, but i think it still applies...i know i might sound selfish, but in my past i had a gf that always went wherever, whenever and it turned out that i was just letting her cheat on me...there's plenty of fish in the sea, and some turtles too if you want something different....