Encountered A CD'er While Shopping...

[RebeccaLynne]

... and was at a loss as to how to react. I didn't want to upset her outing by letting her know I knew, yet at the same time, I really wanted to reach out to her, and let her know that I was one, too.

Let me set the stage... I was at Big 5 Sporting Goods in Lakewood Shopping Center last Wednesday, looking for the RG side-zip waterproof 8" boots. They were on sale for $35, and I needed new ones. I wear size 13's, and they only had up to 11.5 on my side of the aisle. I walked around to the other side of the aisle to see if there were any more, and she was there. She was wearing a skirt and calf-length boots, and was taller than I am (I'm 6'). Our eyes met, and she had the "deer in the headlights" look. I so badly wanted to say hi, compliment her on her look, and mention that I enjoyed crossdressing, too. Instead, I just smiled, and said, "Excuse me, I'm just checking to see if my size is over here". I didn't want her to know that I'd clocked her. She just seemed so vulnerable.:sad:

Before anyone questions whether or not she was a CD'er, let me assure you, she definitely was. You can't get that close to a fellow sister and not know. I've questioned myself ever since, and feel bad that I didn't make myself known to her, and offer the hand of friendship.

I realize this topic has been covered previously, yet until faced with the reality of an unexpected encounter, one never knows quite what to do. :straightface:

TBS, I still have regrets that I didn't make myself known as a kindred spirit, and at least offer to buy her a coffee... might have made a new friend.

Did I do the right thing? Or was it a missed opportunity to reach out to another person who might have appreciated the interaction? Thoughts?

[Danielle Gee]

Rebecca: I think what you actually said was perfect! It probably did more for her confidence then anything.......Danielle

[Mark/Rebecca]

Ive often thought I should have approached a pretty tranny that I had encountered with "I just want to be sure someone tells you how lovely you look today". That fairly compliments her not on her gender but her femininity and beauty. However I have noticed when I am underdressing, I find being offered assistance by a man intimidating.

[Joan_CD]

I guess I would ask this... Would you walk up to a man wearing a toupee and say gee your hair sure looks real! I don't think I would want someone coming up to me saying you look great, as good as a gg. I think you handled it perfectly!

[Beverley Sims]

It is a missed opportunity, but a wise one.
Unless there is a face to face confrontation and you need to put the person at ease, let all opportunities be missed ones.
There are plenty of places to meet other than in passing.

[mikiSJ]

Ive often thought I should have approached a pretty tranny that I had encountered with "I just want to be sure someone tells you how lovely you look today". That fairly compliments her not on her gender but her femininity and beauty.

,,,and if she wasn't pretty, what would you say?

[NathalieX66]

I bumped into one purely by accident in Macy's , we crossed paths, and she fled the scene like a bat out of hell. I didn't even noticed who I bumped into until afterwards. She was very well dressed, in a skirt and stiletto heels, but a bit skittish.

It takes a while, sometimes years, to feel comfortable being this side in public. I was there once, so I know the feeling.

The reality for me, is I just treat any cd'er as a normal person. You want to be treated as a normal person in public, right? That's what you get from me.
I don't even bother to approach other CD/TG people if I see them, they deserve to be treated as normal people. If I saw Paul McCartney in person, I wouldn't even approach him unless he approached me. That poor guy gets fans and paparazzi chasing him all the time.

When I'm I'm out & about as a woman in public, I don't want to be gawped at, I just want to fit in. That's all the affirmation I need.

[jjjjohanne]

I would think that talking TO a skittish CD in public is going to force them to try to produce a feminine voice. If they cannot, then you are forcing them to out themselves. What is the etiquette on that?

Is it, "If you cannot talk the talk, then don't walk the walk"? :)

[thechic]

You acted 100% correct, I admire you.

[BWOemerger]

almost the same experience in Twin Falls, ID Target this afternoon. I was with my wife and we crossed paths with a lovely CD. While I would like to interact I know from my own experiences that there is no good way to approach, so it better to just let them be and create a post hoping they see it and make contact with you.

[Wildaboutheels]

I think it it is very easy to project our own thoughts and feelings onto others, based on what we ourselves might desire. I also DON'T think it possible to read minds, [despite so many claims here to the contrary]nor FAIR to bust others based on nothing but their "presentation". A "normal" female may not be pregnant just because she "looks" pregnant.

"She" might have been flattered? It's possible. But you might also have sent her running for her car.

Far too many here assume they "pass/passed" just because so few folks will say anything.

^^^^ What that translates to is it does not matter if one "passes" or not.

[Tracii G]

I think you did the right thing.
I don't think I would mind if a CDer approached me and said hi sister in discrete manner but thats just me.

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi,

For me, I think the best all-purpose reaction I could give someone of how they present is to simply acknowledge them with a smile and act normally in every way. When I come across men dressed like men, I act normally. When I come across women dressed as women, I act normally. When I come across a man or woman crossdressed, I think the ultimate thing I can do for their comfort is to act normally.

I personally would cringe if anyone zoned in on me despite their intentions, good or bad, and put me on the spot in some way. I'd be uncomfortable with that. But I wouldn't hold it against anyone who tried to be nice. If intentions are good, that is the key for me.

Cheers,

Kalista

[IMJenn]

Kalista, I like the way you broke that down. That made me smile actually.

If someone were to acknowledge me as a "crossdresser" when/if I go out, I would be terrified myself. I'm not saying this is how everyone will act, but I'd get out of there as quick as I could. I just want to blend in and let Jenn be Jenn. If there was some secret hand signal or something to say "Hey-me too!" that might be different, but I don't know of the existence of such a thing.

[alicia45]

I had a similar experience on a night walk in my old neighborhood, except I was the skittish one. She was passable and very pretty, but definitely CD. We had the occasion to move around a crowd together and I didn't say anything, much less a "hello", because I was the nervous ugly duckling. We both clocked each other, and moved on.

[Lynn Marie]

If you see me out and about, please feel free to compliment me and make my acquaintance by buying me lunch or dinner. I may look cheap but I'm no cheap date!

[LelaK]

First thought:
My first comment was: Where can I find a t-shirt that says "I Crossdress!" I should've specified a girl's t-shirt, maybe Hooters. And it should go with a skirt or hot pants. Right? If you were out dressed and saw a CDer wearing that, would you then have any inclination to say, Hey, me too? Would you want to get acquainted?

That first idea was meant as humor, although it would be neat to see someone wearing such a girl's t-shirt, whether she were a CDer or a GG, that says I Crossdress.

Second thought:
It occurs to me that there might be ways to actually greet a CDer without much chance of outing her. How about complimenting her attire? Or asking for a date? Or having casual conversation? I'm sure others would have better ideas.

[cyndi13]

I think you did the right thing as well. Being one of those skittish CD's any sort of been "outed" would have sent me running

[Kanwal]

I also feel this is the right approach

[Chickhe]

You did the right thing. One year I was testing the waters at a party with my wife and someone dressed in drag approached me and asked me if I was a woman or a man. When I spoke it confirmed that I was a man, but he then said, 'Oh, you are just like me!'...and which point I sort of ended the conversation. I wasn't prepared to be in a conversation all about CDing in front of my wife when we were just out having fun and I wasn't sure how she would react. It's not that saying hello is not okay, its making an assumption that they are the same as you... I know when I first went out, I wound have been mortified if anyone was to draw any attention my way and it pretty scary because someone you don't know is approaching you and without a voice you're going to be put in the spotlight. It's best to just say something neutral and if they want to talk to you they will let you know.

[Marcelle]

I agree with most in that you did the right thing as it is difficult to know how she might take an a casual encounter. Some may be okay with it but others may feel backed in a corner and it may ruin what could be their inaugural outing. I have not bumped into any CDers while out but unless they approached me (which I would not mind) I would not approach them. I would most likely smile (passive support) and move on.

Hugs

Isha

[StacyChambers]

Before anyone questions whether or not she was a CD'er, let me assure you, she definitely was.

Because she was wearing pantyhose (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?203723-Sure-way-to-spot-a-CD)? :heehee:

[JamieQ]

I think you did the right thing.
I don't think I would mind if a CDer approached me and said hi sister in discrete manner but thats just me.

I would not mind either...I think I am comfortable enough that if someone approached me I would welcome it...just has not happened yet....

[mikiSJ]

I think we need a secret wink or smile or handshake.

[jjjjohanne]

I suppose, from the happy posts people place on here, the best thing to say to a CD in the wild is, "Good afternoon, ma'am." Or anything with ma'am in it.

[Sarahwithanh11]

You did the right thing.

It's been a while but I remember those first few times I went out dressed. I was absolutely scared to death! I thought I might pass the eye test if nobody looked too long but there's no way I could pass the voice test. And if someone suddenly came up to me...oh my I guess that means I wasn't passing the eye test either!

Really, any generic social gretting is the best policy. If you can work in a "ma'am" or "miss" that's always nice but don't force it. I think it's better to have maybe missed an opportunity that to have ruined someone's day by accident.

[Lexi Moralas]

I guess it depends on the situation. But in this one I think you did the right thing. It funny but the best complement I ever received was being clocked. I was at a drag show at a gay bar far from my home. I kind of keeping to myself and was about to leave after finishing my corona, when a woman approached me with a fresh corona said this ones on me and started a conversation. My voice quickly gave me away which caused her to say quite loudly infact " your a guy? Damn it I spent the last 1/2 hour working up the nerve to come over here" with was followed by compliments. We had a good laugh I bought the next round she introduced my around to every one like a was a celebrity or something ( she was a regular) and we had a great time together dancing laughing drinking. It one of my fondest memories of cding

[Jackie7]

Miki has it right, we could use a secret signal. In fact we have one: a welcoming smile and maybe a wink. Sometimes the other person smiles and winks back, which you can take as an invitation to say hi, other times the other will turn away, which you can take as an invitation declined.

And if you do get a smile in return, you can always open a conversation without being challenging. You wouldn't ever say "So I see you are another CD," or anything like that. But I would say, to almost anyone, "Hi I love your (scarf shoes hat purse whatever has caught your eye)."

[dawnmarrie1961]

I sure would have liked to have had someone come up to me and say "Hi. I'm a CDer too." back when I was first starting out. It's hard not to have the feeling that you are totally and completely alone.
Sure. Here on line everybody is all "buddy buddy" but out there in the real world we avoid each other like the plague. Afraid that by identifying each other we might cast light on ourselves.
I don't like "Stealth". It's dishonest and casts a dark light on us all.

[Plasibeau]

I've commented on this before. Whats seriously needed are like lapel pins, one for crossdressers and another for transgendered girls. There have been times when I've been out and about shopping and I see a fellow sister, maybe even out for the first time, get spooked by an eager SA. I've wanted to just run up, grab her hand and say, "Welcome to the club, we have cake, and you don't want to shop here anyways!"

[Lorileah]

I've commented on this before. Whats seriously needed are like lapel pins, one for crossdressers and another for transgendered girls.

:eek: Huh? Why do you need to label them differently (Since you are using the word transgendered for transsexual, I assume). Really? Why do you need to label anyone at all (again assuming you would not want to be labeled in everyday life)? Is there a difference between a crossdresser or a TS? that would make you react differently? Like the old song "I see by your outfit that you are a ...." Maybe explain why labels would make a difference?

[julia marie]

If you make eye contact with the other girl and -- if fitting -- you could compliment her on her top or shoes or something. GGs do that, and aren't shy about asking where it came from. If that opens up a conversation, great. If not, keep walking.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I suppose, from the happy posts people place on here, the best thing to say to a CD in the wild is, "Good afternoon, ma'am." Or anything with ma'am in it.
My thought too

I'm out regularly, don't pass but don't mind being read as a man in a dress. Still think it would be very awkward to have a stranger bail me up for a conversation about CDing.

On one recent outing I think a CDer dressed went past. We exchanged glances and past by. To be honest I couldn't be sure that she was a he. I also think I received a disapproving glance for our different styles. It all happens so quickly best left be.

[gautier_nikolai]

Someone techie should develop a CDing app for the iphone or something a bit like Grindr for gay men but without the hookup element.

Therefore, if you are a CD and download the app and want to be approached by other CDs who have the app it can tell you there's another CD within a certain radius who doesn't mind being approached.

Then you just have to find her like where's Wally! :pBetter make sure you don't get it wrong though!:heehee::heehee:

[RebeccaLynne]

Thank you all for your replies. I'll be giving more thought as to what I might do in the event of another chance encounter. I really think a nice compliment on their appearance or clothing choices might be appropriate, as well as specifically mentioning "ma'am" or "miss" so as to provide the reassurance that they've not been "clocked".

I also think that with the ever-evolving computer literacy on the part of the public, more and more will google (or whatever) "crossdressing" and learn of this site. It was certainly a revelation for me over eight years ago... I feel I've learned a lot here, and I'd wager that many here have had a similar experience. :)

So, again, thanks so much for your feedback! :hugs:

[suchacutie]

Tina prefers to be treated as a member of the gender she is presenting. Those I have met in whatever situation seem thrilled that I've treated them as I would as a GG. After all, isn't that what we want?

[Tiki]

I often encounter CDs too in my city. Not eunuchs but cd who live normal life. A week ago i was going to buy a drink frok wine shop, a lady came in black jeans and pink t. She had covered her face. She asked for a drink, at that time i realized she was a cd cuz had a man's voice. I wanted to talk to her but unfortunately i won't alone

[Jackie7]

We were at the Philadelphia art museum yesterday, me en drab with my wife and a GG friend. At the coat check I found myself behind a man-shaped middle-aged lady with a lot of rings on her big hands and a pretty scarf concealing her neck and chest... And in the late afternoon lobby light, a clear beard shadow. A highly presentable CD passing and blending in nicely, minding her own business. I gave her a half -smile and was about to compliment her pretty scarf, she half-smiled back and turned away into the crowd.

I also enjoy the art museum while dressed pretty and frequently have seen other CDs in that environment, not a lot but one or two per visit. Sometimes we have exchanged a glance or a compliment, other times we pass without acknowledgment. And sometimes, no doubt, my highly tuned radar is wrong, the other is a mannish GG, and so what, exchanging a smile and a compliment will lift anyone's day.