One Year.....

[lizbendalin]

Today marks 1 year that I have been taking estrogen in combination with dutasteride (generic Avodart). It’s been an interesting year.

I started down this path because of my gender dysphoria. For most of my life I have struggled with feelings and emotions regarding my internal gender, my assigned gender, and my gender presentation. For ¾ of my life I have been regularly crossdressing to deal with those feelings. My therapist (who is awesome by the way) thought that going on hormones might be useful in my seeking to understand myself more fully.

In the past 12 months many changes have happened. I have grown small breasts. My hips and butt have expanded. My face has changed ever so slightly because of fat redistribution. But, the greatest changes have all been emotional and psychological. I am much more emotional – I’ve cried at television commercials for goodness sake! My wife says that I am much more touchy-feely, and want to cuddle a lot more. I’ve also calmed down a great deal. Those were things that were all expected. What was not expected was what happened with my gender dysphoria.

My dysphoria has changed. I no longer feel the need to crossdress to deal with the feelings of dysphoria. It’s not that I don’t still paint my nails, and look at cute outfits, it’s that I no longer feel this drive to put on a skirt and heels. I think that my dysphoria drove me to try and express my feminine side, and the only way I could do so was externally via crossdressing. Now, my feminine side is being expressed by my body and spirit itself, so I no longer need the external dressing to express it. Not that I don’t enjoy getting all pretty, I just no longer feel driven to do it.

So the question is: what now? I still feel no driving need to transition. I still am comfortable in my male identity a great majority of the time. In fact I feel far more comfortable in my body now than I have in a long time. So….a male life with a feminized body? My wife and I have talked often, and we are open to whatever happens in the future, and I have no set plan for my life. But the questions still remain.

I’ve heard some people say that the use of hormonal treatment on non-transsexual individuals often results in negative feelings regarding the changes in their body and psyche. I’ve welcomed and relished these changes. Does that mean I am in denial about being transsexual? Am I a non-op, non-transitional transsexual? I’ve thought a lot more about whether I feel the need to transition over the last year, but still come to the same decision that I am not transsexual. Is my denial of a transsexual identity a result of deep shame from growing up in a family where image was everything? Am I in denial of who I am?

I have no clue. All I know is that I like what is happening to my body and mind. I like the person I have been becoming over the last year. I am happier. I laugh more. I smile more. I am becoming me. If that is a man with breasts and hips, then so be it. If that is a woman with a penis, then so be it. If this is the first step on a journey toward full womanhood, so be it.

[steftoday]

Great post, liz. So many things in what you wrote resonate with conversations I've had with my therapist.

[thechic]

Hi there and congratulations
It amazing how HRT does make you calm and makes you at peace with oneself , It cured my Crossdressing problem. Lovely Post.

[JohnH]

Liz,

Thanks for the post. I have been on M2F HRT for over two years and yet for the most part I live as a man, however a womanly one since I have breasts and hips. I have a femme haircut and I wear lipstick and eye makeup. And yet I have a deep voice for a male as I sing second bass.

I like wearing dresses but since starting the HRT I do not feel the desire to wear dresses publicly. I also do not feel the urge to change my name from my masculine name John - however, I have adopted a feminine variation of " Johanna" so I fit better into this forum. And I do not have the desire to change my gender marker to "F" nor to have SRS (although my wife teases me frequently about that).

Like you I feel a lot happier and contented. If I am in a bad mood my wife says, "John, I think it's time for your hormone shot" or "John, did you miss your shot?"

Johanna (John)

[kimdl93]

Alexander Pope said, "Whatever is is right." I think that applies to you. If the HRT and associated changes work within the context of your life then it is right for you. You need not force your life to conform to anyone else's standard.

[Rianna Humble]

This is not about someone being "forced" to conform to others' expectations. Liz raises a valid question, she did suffer from Gender Dysphoria and that has responded well to Hormone Therapy, but she is still not looking to transition so she wonders where that leaves her.

According to the latest Standards of Care, Gender Dysphoria does not automatically make you transsexual in need of transitioning. They talk of another group of people who can need and respond positively to Hormone Therapy, and they call that group "gender nonconforming".

In the section entitled Gender Nonconformity Is Not the Same as Gender Dysphoria, we can read


Gender dysphoria can in large part be alleviated through treatment (Murad et al., 2010). Hence, while transsexual, transgender, and gender nonconforming people may experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives, many individuals who receive treatment will find a gender role and expression that is comfortable for them, even if these differ from those associated with their sex assigned at birth, or from prevailing gender norms and expectations.

[Angela Campbell]

It sounds to me like you are one of the lucky ones. If you are feeling better then you have done well.

[Marleena]

Hi Liz.. Only you know if you're a woman or not. I'm actually surprised somebody hasn't given you a label yet and it might still be coming. I think it's quite common for HRT to make people feel as if they're "cured". Will it be enough, who knows, time will tell.

The only sure thing is that HRT has improved your quality of life and was indicated and proven by your own admission here. I hope it is enough for me too. It seems like lately the push is on to prove one's self and shifted away from only do enough to improve your quality of life. There are non-op, pre-op and post-op transsexuals. I say good for you if HRT is enough because it makes life a whole lot easier.

[mary something]

Wonderful! The point of all of this (whatever "this" is) is to be HAPPIER! It's not a competition to see who the "proper" tranny is lol. Thanks for sharing your perspective and experiences :)

[Chickhe]

From my experience...of CDing, the more I felt repressed the more I had to do it. The more I felt free and accepting of myself the less need. I still enjoy dressing, but the need to do it is pretty much gone. Not to diminish it, I also feel this way when I do anything...I'm all in to it for a long time and when I feel like I've done the best I can do, I loose the desire. I wonder if that's a similar thing...you finally made it to where you needed to be so there is less pressure?

[Denise_Lafame]

A great post indeed Liz. This is exactly the situation I find myself in... minus the HRT. I was to my therapist last week to try and get him to finally treat the GID issues I have lived with all my life. I've gone to him for over 15 years off and on so he certainly is well aware of my GID issues in fact he offered to put me on HRT about 5 years ago. I declined at the time and said perhaps later when I retire.

Well, I'm retired so now is the time. What did he tell me? "I want to make sure this isn't an obsession", here take these and come back is 6 weeks. I'm already on anti depressants and adivan to combat the very bad depression and anxiety I've suffered from all my life so all I certainly don't need another dammed pill to settle me down. I took them for a week and they make me feel like a vegetable so I'm no longer taking them.

I think when I go back in six weeks I'm just going to say... You thought HRT was the answer 5 years ago so let's quit with the farting around and get on with it!!!! At this point, what have I to loose?

I envy you so much Liz in that you have finally found peace and can finally really enjoy your life with your wife without all the Drama the GID causes. I too have a very accepting wife of 42 years who totally supports me in this.

Hugs
Denise

[Kathryn Martin]

Your post is extraordinary for this site. In fact it is beautiful. You describe, wonderfully, how it is possible to find a life in balance , even if in the moment without forcing a fantasy on yourself. Who knows what you future brings but in this moment you appear to be whole. There may be questions but those will answer themselves in time. In the calmness of your writing here I doubt that you are in that kind of denial that you describe. I wish you so very well.

[Jorja]

Hello Liz,
At this point you say,"I no longer feel the need to crossdress to deal with the feelings of dysphoria." That in itself should give you a clue as to what to do next. To continue with further transition is entirely a personal decision. For example, when I had reached the 1 year mark, my body and mind were still screaming at me. I still had a deep need and desire to go further. That need and desire did not diminish until I had SRS. I guess the question to ask yourself is, do I need to go any further? Can I be content living as I am today?

[cyndi13]

Happy you found your peace... and look forward to your decision of where you want to go from here. I have temper issues as well, and always thought HRT could calm me down. Thank you for posting your journey thus far

[Diana L]

Liz,

I could have written your post. I have also been on hrt almost a year an I feel exactly the same as you. I haven't dressed fully as female for several months. Most of the time I feel a little confused about where this journey is taking me. I do know that I never want to go back to being the guy I once was. I am sort of stuck in the middle, but for now I am comfortable with that.

Diana L

[sandra-leigh]

There is a hypothesis, with some backing evidence, that different parts of the brain might be different genders, and those parts can conflict with each other leading to gender dysphoria. This hypothesis is not intended to explain all cases. But in such cases, it is hypothesized that estrogen HRT can guide the parts to work together in a female mode. Then, with the parts no longer in conflict, the gender dysphoria fades. But, according to the hypothesis, if a person in that condition then stops HRT, their brain is likely to fall back out of alignment, bringing gender dysphoria right back again, so continued HRT is suggested in order to leave the person in a non-dysphoric state. The person might or might not transition further; decisions on that point become less urgent.

My case appears to be consistent with that hypothesis.

With the strong internal driving force no longer present in me, I need to make a decision about whether to continue to present (and perhaps even live) as male (who happens to take pills to control a medical condition), or to stay as I am, or to go further.

The recommendation I get is to think about how I want to live. With the pressure gone, what feels better, more natural? When I'm alone at night and feeling sorry for myself, am I feeling that I want the female part to go away because I like being male, or am I feeling a lump in my stomach about "being forced to" "go back to" male, or am I pretty comfortable with myself and only feeling bad about not understanding what that says about me?

Myself... it is the lump in the stomach at the thought have having to revert. Sure I have days where I'm not looking so female, where I might be thinking "Eh, this isn't bad, I could probably go back". But I don't want to be male. I would rather live my life as female.

[Marleena]

I've posted this link before. Maybe it will help. http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

An excerpt from it:

"It is also known that the administration of cross sex hormones MUST be maintained to sustain the anxiolytic effect. It is not unusual for some patients, feeling better after starting hormones, to believe they are cured and no longer need to continue the medication. Unfortunately what they experience is a quick return of their gender dysphoria. If there is any physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition, taking cross sex hormones is it."

[lizbendalin]

I want to thank everyone who has posted for your kind and thought-provoking comments

[Leah Lynn]

Hi Liz, glad to hear things are going well. Take care.

Hugs,

Leah