Feels Like I Am Erasing Me

[Rachel Smith]

I started working on changing my leagal name everywhere, Social Sec., Birth Cert., Drivers Lic., Truck title, and the list goes on.

The point is everytime I change one I feel like am erasing part of me. I mean to say not just my name but an actual part of me, a part of my past. I don't hate my paste and I am glad I got to live it, well the parts I remember anyway.

Why is something I need so bad now causing me sadness? It's like using the other end of the pencil and just watching the words disappear from the paper. Have any of those that have gone before me felt like this?

I was elated the day I got my name change from the court, still am, every time I get to sign Rachel E. Smith. Yet I feel like my former life is being erased not just the name but the whole exsistence. It feels like the old me is standing 3 inches from the end of the earth and with each paper I fill out I push him an inch closer.

Rachel :sad:

[KellyJameson]

You have described the experience of identity beautifully.

You are losing your identity as the physical representation of you in the world

You are shedding one skin for another.

It is natural to feel vulnerable and sad. Like you are losing an old friend or experiencing a death and as if you have lost your moorings or feel rudderless and adrift.

Transitioning is psychologically painful but in my opinion it is a healing pain.

You are really good at giving words to your emotions and this helps alot in my opinion.

I think this comes from the love we have of the self and it feels like you are losing someone you love.

In my opinion this is healthy because you are not transitioning out of self loathing but for reasons of gender identity.

Your mind will see how that person really has not left.

[Rachelakld]

Had me crying, like OMG I would be so lost without both my personalities.
I wish you well on your journey

[Ann Louise]

I've come to regard my former life as one undertaken by a now departed, estranged friend, though I also regard "he who shall remain unnamed" as an artificial construct. But oh Goddess, I don't miss that person even a little. Speaking strictly about myself and no one else, I think that if I did, it would indicate some unprocessed decision making, or something less than complete resolve to move forward.

In any event, I don't feel regret. I've always conducted thought-experiments on myself, as an objective self-checking mechanism, and so as a psychological preparation for an upcoming big surgical event in my life, I pulled up dozens of digital photos of "he who shall remain unnamed" to see what effect it would have on me. I'm very pleased to report that I indeed regard him as what I've described above, a now departed, estranged friend. That characterization leaves room for a reconciliation, I suppose, but I certainly don't feel the need to get friendly with "him" again any time soon. :-)

Best to you dear,

)0( Ann )0(

[Angela Campbell]

To me my past self was nothing more than a fantasy. It just doesn't feel real to me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

trust me...give it some time..

I was all about this feeling...I would say "I feel like I am attending my own funeral but everybody is saying I was crazy in my eulogy"... lots of loss and death thoughts about my old life...

they just drift away.. the idea that you were a him, or that he is a part of you just loses all meaning and you just exist and you enjoy the feeling of actually having an identity that feels right to you.

it just takes time and experience!

[Rachel Smith]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel better that others have had similar feelings.

Rachel I didn't mean to make you cry.

Rachel

[I Am Paula]

My experiences, loves, sorrows, and memories have not gone away. They will forever be part of me. I have embarked on a new path, where I will gain new ones, that will meld with the old. There are parts of my male life I wish to downplay, and some I will embrace.
I think of it like buying a computer. All shiny and new... and waiting for you to load all your old information.

[Christie Camelle]

So eloquent and articulate! That, my dear, is a pain I so wish I could feel... I have had a lot of loss in my male life and at times "he" wishes "he" could just poof away and give me room to spread my wings and try to make a better life than "he" did. I applaud you hun. *big hugs*

[Jorja]

While it may feel like you are erasing yourself, you are in fact unleashing the inner you. Allow it to grow and blossom because there is a flower with unparalleled beauty waiting to dazzle the world.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Rachel,
All life must pass eventually and we need to let it go and make room for new life with new possibilities. A new future now waiting for you, I'm sure your other wants the best for you.