A Million Things To Learn

[Persephone]

In our roles as women or men we take a lot for granted. It seems like thousands of "little things" become automatic and most people never really think about what goes on "on the other side of the fence."

But if you are transgendered and trying to "fit in," you are constantly noticing the differences in expectations and behavior between men and women.

I was raised in the South and it was customary for men to acknowledge other men by a small nod of the head. It was a hard habit to break, it took a long while, but now I no longer nod at men, I smile at other women.

So much so that even on those occasions when I am in drab I "girl smile" at women and they generally smile back at me, or, sometimes, even initiate the smile exchange. Whenver my spouse catches me doing it en drab she always says, "Stop smiling! You're in guy mode!" But now it is automatic, just like it is for other women.

A few days ago my spouse and I were bringing about 30 boxes of stuff over to a GG friend's house for her to distribute to people who needed them. I was en femme and we'd brought a male friend over to move the boxes, after which the women were going off to lunch and he was going back home.

We, the women, all greeted each other with customary hugs and air kisses and our girlfriend showed us where the boxes were to go.

Our guy friend started taking boxes off the back of his truck and hauling them over to where she wanted them and, naturally, I endeavored to help although he was concerned, as he always is, that I might break one of my long acrylic nails.

As I tried to help I noticed the other women had stepped aside, out of the way, and were talking to each other as he (and I) maneuvered boxes.

Ooooops! I was supposed to be over there!

I went over and the three of us chatted as he moved box after box. I felt awful! My man training kept screaming "Go help! There is work to be done!" Something that totally didn't affect the other women.

Yes, I've helped countless times in "women's work." I'm always there to help in the kitchen, to ferry plates, back and forth, and to attend to the cleanup as the men sit and chat. I've paid my "women dues" at dinner parties and at picnics, bar-b-ques, and congregational refreshments.

And yes, that's no different, just commonly on "the other side." But it felt incredibly weird to pay no attention as he worked and we chatted.

Another mental hill to climb.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Kate Simmons]

I know what you are saying Hon but be mindful that a "liberated" woman (GG or TG) does as she pleases and what she wants to. ;):)

[Cynthia Anne]

I know I'm guilty as anyone when it comes to pitching in even though it's considered ''guys'' work! But being quite the tomboy and a true country girl it just seems natural to me to help anyone and everyone! :)

[Persephone]

I know what you are saying Hon but be mindful that a "liberated" woman (GG or TG) does as she pleases and what she wants to. ;):)

All very well and good, Kate, but reality is that social norms are reinforced by a peer group made up of friends and those you interact with. I can only report on what I observe, and that is my peer group, mainstream women of my general age, those between 40 and 80.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Stevie]

Good point Hun. My wife tells me to smile more so I started to smile at everything in my path. Who knew.

[stefan37]

That surely is a princess attitude. I know if i was in that situation i would have helped moved the boxes as would my wife. I totally get the nod thing. It is so automatic i have to consciously make an effort to suppress the nod and either smile or look down. There are many social differences between men and woman. But i disagree that letting a male do all the work is one of them. Unless the boxes were to heavy to solo..

[Beverley Sims]

Barbara,
I know how you feel, chat away with the other women whilst the men do all the work. :)
Strange feeling isn't it?

[JackieInPA]

I've had similar experiences. I am about 90% nod free! I had a really hard time in the summer when a much older gentleman insisted on loading my beer in my car for the 4th...I actually felt really bad. I have learned to accept these gestured with a warm happy feeling of chivalry isn't totally dead, but do try not to expect it like an entitlement.

[NicoleScott]

It seems that there is a lot to learn that is different from our natural inclinations so that we can just "be ourselves". Huh?

[I Am Paula]

A while back I was buying 36 boxes of ceramic tiles. The forklift driver put them down behind my van and I naturally, started loading them. He quickly told me that I should let him load them, as they were 'very heavy'.
I could get used to this!

[Jaylyn]

I was taught by my dad that if you see a friend working you should jump in there and help them. I noticed he always did help others do their work. Working cattle neighbors always helped others and in return their neighbors would show up working day and just pitch right in. Growing up with this I don't think I can ever be like like the women drinking campfire coffee from the branding iron fire pit and watching or just standing there and writing the ear tag numbers down. The women always went to the kitchen of the ranch house before we would finish and start cooking a big meal. I don't think that part of me can or will change. I love working to much especially that kind of work. I just enjoy wearing the clothes and the makeup. As many on here have stated they still enjoy their male time also. Maybe I don't want to be a woman just a silent CD.

[Christie ann]

What was that Eagles song where "she learned to open doors with just a smile"?

[Lynn Marie]

Last summer I was involved in building a Pride Parade float. It was a lot of work with final assembly done at the parade site en femme. Amazing how many well dressed tall girls with big hands could handle screw guns so well! Next year we need to recruit some men.

[Lorileah]

As I tried to help I noticed the other women had stepped aside, out of the way, and were talking to each other as he (and I) maneuvered boxes.

Ooooops! I was supposed to be over there!

I went over and the three of us chatted as he moved box after box. I felt awful! My man training kept screaming "Go help! There is work to be done!" Something that totally didn't affect the other women.


Persephone.

Really? The women in your life are such Prima Donas that they cannot even HELP especially when the guy is doing it FOR them? How sad. Luckily, in my family the women get just as involved as the men in doing physical things. You know there is no gender for politeness. There is no gender for pitching in. I am going to say your women friends were ...lazy.

[Chickhe]

When I encounter that situation as a guy, I walk over to the woman and hand them stuff to carry. Usually it works, but I remember one time I was helping someone move and one woman just took what I gave her and set it on the ground around her... she had no clue.

But, I get it...as a woman it sucks to get all sweaty, hair out of place, nail broken...generally you are not dressed for working.

[MatildaJ.]

Your average guy is built differently from your average woman, and lifting boxes is easier for him. Posters on this board have talked about losing muscle strength from going on HRT. If the male friend understood the job and was physically able to do it on his own, and preferred to do it on his own rather than worry that you might break a nail, then it's appropriate to let him do the work and be very appreciative afterward. Maybe bring him home-baked goods or treat him to dinner.

On the other hand, some guys have back problems, and some women are very strong. Also, levers of various kinds (ramps, dollies) can help compensate for a lack of strength. Women shouldn't assume their male friends will do their physical labor, but it's okay to accept genuine offers of help. Just be appropriately appreciative afterward and don't take advantage!

[NicoleScott]

What was that Eagles song where "she learned to open doors with just a smile"?

Lyin' Eyes

[julia marie]

I'm on the side that says women can move boxes too. I hate helping people move when the women all gather in the kitchen to clean and organize while the guys are hauling stuff up and down stairs.
The nod thing is tricky. I've become conscious of it since I've been going out dressed. (I'd already started practicing the smile and eye contact with other women. That's a nice habit). I have to add one more difference. Male drivers nod or wave like they are swatting flies (and flash their high beams) when they are yielding to another driver or pedestrian. Women drivers give a big friendly wave. Another nice touch.

[Eryn]

I am going to say your women friends were ...lazy.

I know a couple of these ladies and I'd like to point out that age is a factor, both in frailty and in attitudes toward gender roles in manual labor. I also know that they are charitable to a fault which is why the boxes of donated goods were being moved in the first place.