Help without judgement

[Lilith]

Hello there. I'm brand new to this forum. I'm seeking help and advice without judgement. I'm a born woman who began dating a cross dresser two years ago. I knew him for a long time before we began dating and was aware of his cross dressing. I knew he had been dressing since he was 7 years old. Once we started dating a very weird thing happened. The first time he dressed in front of me was during a sexual game. I felt uncomfortable, which took me by surprise and then made me feel extremely guilty. I apologized for my reaction but these past two years have had rocky ups and downs that have been affected by my initial knee jerk reaction. I feel so much pressure to be 100% accepting and supportive but I still have feelings of discomfort.

I've tried to explore these feelings. I suppose I am uncomfortable for two main reasons. I tend to view my partners cross dressing as a threat to me. I feel as though it has nothing to do with me and because of that it doesn't matter if I'm present or not in sexual acts involving cross dressing. That makes me feel a little neglected and unimportant. I then sometimes feel resentful because I view the act as selfish. I also feel insecure because his exgirlfriend was completely into his dressing. So I feel guilty that I feel uncomfortable. This puts a ton of pressure on the situation.

Here's why I need help. I love this man. He is amazing. And I don't ever want him to feel like there is something wrong with him. The flaw is within me. And I want to fix it. I want to grow and change the way I view this. Because I do love it and have a lot of fun with it on my good days. But on bad days it makes me feel insecure. And I'm not quite sure I completely understand why. Is there any advice anyone can offer me? Please help me become the partner he deserves.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Lilith, well the fact that you want to accept him is more than many of us have and I would say he is lucky to have you. Just be open about your feelings and communicate. You say the flaw is with you and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I think the important thing is to be okay with your feelings and just be open about them.

[Deborah2B]

You need to sit down with him and talk with him. Let him know that you are having a problem with that part of the relationship. Let him know it is subject to change, if it is. There are a lot of us do not crossdress while being intimate with our partners. It is a line that we and/or our partners do not want to cross. We are just happy with being able to dress and not having to hide it from our partner. If this does not work, try going to a counselor. If for no other reason that to boost your self asteem. You should NOT feel like you have done anything wrong. You are more accepting than a lot of our partners. He should consider himself blessed to have you.

[Bria]

Please talk about your concerns. Talk about limits that will be acceptable to you. There nothing wrong about your fellings, they are common.
Talk about it and work things out so that you are comfortable. By thge way, welcome to the forum, you will find a lot of support here, Hugs, Bria

[Lilith]

Thank you for your kind and helpful words thus far. This has been a recurring conversation in our house. But, unfortunately, what we attempt as a calm conversation usually turns into a defensive explosion. He feels judged and rejected and I feel neglected and uncomfortable. I try to calm myself with numbers and logic ("Well how often do you feel like dressing?" Or "Please rate the quality and quantity of your dressing experiences with me"). It's such a mess when we try to talk. He feels like he can't always talk about it when he wants to dress because it upsets me. And I have to admit that I do get upset when he wants to dress frequently. I'm not sure why. And I know it's not fair. I just want this to be a non issue. But I also want to feel comfortable and secure.

[cdmorganashley]

i think whatever your feelings are they are valid because they are yours... i would maybe explore where the pressure to be 100% accepting and supportive feels like it is coming from? is this coming from your partner, yourself, or some combination? i am also wondering if there is a way he could make you feel more attended to when he dresses--maybe there is some part of the process that you could do differently to make you feel more involved? maybe you could pick out outfits for each other and take turns dressing each other or something? i don't know maybe just try some new things in general... are you getting to do anything that indulges your own personal desires? something "selfish" for you? maybe having your own thing would make things feel more balanced? anyway, if there is something more specific that you can identify that is making you feel this uncomfortable feeling i would try and talk about it with him as i doubt he wants you to feel this way and if both parties care about each other some better way of doings things can probably be worked out where no one is made to feel uncomfortable...

i also would let your partner know the days you are not feeling like having him dress; you are being really great to be as accepting as you are and if some days you aren't into it, hopefully he can respect that and you both can have fun with it on a day you feel like having fun with it...

i wouldn't look at this like you have a flaw or something to fix--you are being totally reasonable--i wouldn't feel judged or that something is wrong with me if my partner wasn't into my dressing every time i felt like doing it, sounds like you are being very accepting and if he has a problem with you not wanting to take part in his dressing every time he wants to do it i think that is more of his issue than something to do with you--after all couples aren't in sync mood wise or in what they feel like doing at all times--that seems pretty normal to me...

[Marcelle]

Hi Lilith,

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. My wife and I do not share intimacy while I am dressed. We may cuddle and hug and things may begin to happen but the clothing is always removed before we progress. We talked about intimacy immediately after I came out and she said that should would feel weird if Isha was part of our intimate time as she would feel that although the working parts would be correct the presentation would feel wrong. As such, we agreed I would be "en male" when it came to that area.

I would suspect you are not alone in these feelings among GGs who support their SO's cross dressing.

I would advise you to sit and talk to your SO and explain that while you support the cross dressing there are limits which you will go to and this is one area. Relationships should be about common ground and compromise. It could be your SO is not aware of your feelings and this might clear the air.

Hugs

Isha

[MatildaJ.]

I apologized for my reaction but these past two years have had rocky ups and downs that have been affected by my initial knee jerk reaction. I feel so much pressure to be 100% accepting and supportive but I still have feelings of discomfort.

... I also feel insecure because his exgirlfriend was completely into his dressing.

Well, she's his ex for a reason. Maybe she wasn't as into it as he claims. Is it okay with him if you go talk to her about the situation? To tell you the truth, your guy sounds a bit controlling to me. Your initial reaction should no longer be an issue, and if it still is, that's because he has found it's a useful tool to get under your skin and manipulate you. I don't like hearing that he benefits from you feeling insecure. That's not appropriate for a loving partnership.

As far as advice, I recommend scheduling more time with him dressed. The more used to it you get, the easier it should be to treat it as normal. And if it's scheduled then you won't feel it's dependent on you being in the perfect mood. Real people aren't always in the perfect mood, and their partners manage to put up with them anyway. If your partner can't put up with you unless you're 100% perfect, then he's not the right partner for you.

[Sandra]

Ok first of all there is nothing wrong with you and you certainly aren't flawed. You have said that when you sit and talk things get a bit heated, well you both have to over come this, and listen to each other. Your SO needs to listen to you and listen to what you concerns and feelings are. If he is dressing more than you can cope with then tell him so, ask him to slow it down a little, let him know that you're not saying he has to stop just to take it a bit easy.

If you don't sit and talk then things will not get any better and more problems may arise, which will be harder to overcome.

[NicoleScott]

You are not flawed. Many CDers have accepting partners who aren't attracted (for many, in fact, turned off) when he is transformed. That's OK. You can support his need to crossdress while making intimacy off limits when he is crossdressed. All you have to do is tell him. Most of us would appreciate the honesty as we work into a good, acceptable arrangement (for both) of boundaries and permissions.
For the record, my wife accepts but we are never intimate when I CD.
However, if it is necessary for him to crossdress when intimate with you, that's a red flag. That situation needs further exploration.

[Rachelakld]

OK totally lost here, but I would ask if I could have a man in the bedroom, having said that, it sounds like a performance issue could exist. As youths some of us had special alone time while dressed up.

[Annaliese]

There is nothing wrong with you, all you have said in normal, it does not happen over night take your time and talk to your partner. If he love you as much as you love him he will be patient. Going to fast is what making you insecure. Take you time

[TightsLife]

yeah if he is manly when he is a man, try feeding into that and see where it goes if you can distract him and turn him on before he gets a chance to have that thought, i.e. surprise sex I know that sounds weird coming from a bi CD but when i get surprised or see a sexy girl (real female) i totally want to dominate, especially if she is wearing something i can't resist. At that point i am focused fully as a male, and if i am tired afterwards you definitely won lol. I think half of the things that i like to wear come from fantasizing about an actual girl wearing them. I don't know if any other CD's have ever just came out and said that but i know that is true in my case.

[franlee]

what you have described is normal. The fact that you are being honest is support and his being open to you means he expects you to react. My wife and I experienced much of the same thing as you. And we do everything we normally would if I am or not CDed at the time. She understands as I do, I'm still the same man regardless of the clothes. The clothes are part of what I want to enjoy. She dose too most of the time but just like me not every time or to often. I dare say you could relate these feeling to anything that causes doubt or discomfort on occasion. As long as it is not a continuous thing that causes a permanent obstacle in your Love and relationship don't worry or add to your situation with negative imagined ideas. You are with the man you wanted and he is with a perfect fit and evidently the woman he wanted. Save the worry for thing that can cause trouble you can't see.

[kimdl93]

It's not a flaw. It's simply a reaction...a response to stimuli. You need to analyze the feelings that you associate with his dressing and work with him to find ways to put those feelings to rest. For example, even though he may not have expressed this, I would be that it is VERY important that you be present and involved in sexual acts. But he may also have a habit of focusing on himself to such an extent that you do feel left out. Let him know that and encourage him to focus on you. Guilt is needless...you're not doing anything to feel guilty about.

[Lilith]

I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice. I was under the impression that to be a loving, supportive partner I had to jump into my relationship being 100% into my partners cross dressing. I cannot express how much better I feel knowing that most couples just need to progress at their own pace with this issue. I feel a lot less guilty and I think that will prove helpful. I am so grateful that I have found such a supportive group of people.

[Beverley Sims]

Neither of you are flawed in your feelings.
It is a perfectly natural reaction on your part.
It takes time to "acclimatise" to the situation.
I suggest that after ten posts the Female at birth forum opens up for you and you can get the ideas fron other women who have similar problems.
On this forum you do get the male point of view also.

[Jilmac]

You may have to progress in baby steps toward total acceptance of your BF's crossdressing, but first you have to deal with your own feelings. You said that sometims you feel threatened by his dressing and that's a normal feeling. I was married twice, both spouses knew of mydressing before either one of them married me, however both of them felt threatened and consequentally, disapproved. Each one had a different reason for rejecting my dressing and niether ofthem were able to deal with their own egative feelings.

If you love your BF as you say you do, try to give him as much space as he needs to explore his feminie side and at the same time try to be non-judgemental. If you can take an objective stance it may boost your acceptance and make it easier to deal with your issues. Try to keep the door to communication open and he will feel freer to open up to you about his own issues. You could end up enjoying the best of both worlds, having a BF and a GF in the same person. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

[GaleWarning]

Lilith, my advice would be to focus on the man inside. He is still the man you love.
How I wish that everyone could simply accept that clothes are clothes are clothes.
Good luck with this.
I look forward to the day that you can tell us how the tow of you are perfectly happy and comfortable with each other AS YOU ARE and not as you may perceive each other to be right now.

[ReineD]

I suppose I am uncomfortable for two main reasons. I tend to view my partners cross dressing as a threat to me. I feel as though it has nothing to do with me and because of that it doesn't matter if I'm present or not in sexual acts involving cross dressing. That makes me feel a little neglected and unimportant. I then sometimes feel resentful because I view the act as selfish. I also feel insecure because his exgirlfriend was completely into his dressing. So I feel guilty that I feel uncomfortable. This puts a ton of pressure on the situation.

Lilith, sometimes we think we know what they're thinking and it really messes us up. I'm a GG too, and I've been where you're at now. The simplest way out of this is to ask him directly rather than try to figure out his motives on your own. Ask him the following questions, and then come back and tell us his response. Ask him to not edit the questions or take any of them personally, but just to answer them as truthfully as he can. And then pay very close attention to his answers, they might surprise you.

1. When we have sex, are you into me?

2. Do you resent me for not being like your ex-girlfriend in the bedroom with the CDing?

As a note to you, you cannot compare yourself to an ex. Maybe she was into it because it wasn't as developed then and she just saw it as a bedroom kink. Or maybe her feelings for him weren't the same as yours. Maybe if she were his gf now, she would be reacting the same way as you.

As to the rest, I'll echo the others in saying that you are absolutely allowed to go at your own pace with this.

:hugs:

[Sandra]

I was under the impression that to be a loving, supportive partner I had to jump into my relationship being 100% into my partners cross dressing.


Hell no, some partners for what ever reason can't be 100% and they still manage. Hopefully in time it will come but if it doesn't then ti doesn't and there's not a lot anyone can do about it. Just try and work together on this and make it fun.

[Diversity]

Lilith, the fact that you took the time to write tells me that you do indeed care for your SO, and what a wonderful and caring SO you are! The best advice I can give to you is this - please do not feel challenged, threatened, or less important because of your SO's CD'ing. It has nothing to do with you, but rather is an opportunity for your SO to express his feminine side - an opportunity so many of us must suppress. The fact that you are giving him an opportunity to do this, is wonderful of you to do! You are giving him an opportunity to feel a freedom from within. He is doing this to 'vent' an inner most feeling which he has for whatever reason. It could be from a childhood experience. Please, just stay understanding and keep the lines of open and honest communications open. Doing this will 'out' the reasons for this need and will eventually give you both a greater understanding and happiness that you both have for each other. I wish you well on your journey, and must say what a wonderful person you are. He is truly lucky to have you.
Di

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Lillith

My wife is mostly accepting, but she has expressed the same feelings you have. For example, she asks, "Why do you need me if you can just dress and look in the mirror and get excited"? Or, "Why should I bother to get dressed up, wear heels, hose, and a dress...you can see and feel it for yourself". She also is not attracted to me sexually when I am dressed. She will indulge me by dressing with me however, and after I take everything off she is OK with making love--and I am usually "primed" as it were.

It's been almost a year. We've found an equilibrium that works for us. To show her I control the CD and not vice versa, I stopped for 6 months over the summer, letting my leg hair grow and really not dressing at all, except for a silk dressing robe once in a while.

By now I think she realizes I am not going to become a woman, and it is really a fetish for me. I try to balance the fetish with normalcy.

Is your SO a fetish dresser, or do you think it runs deeper?

Take care,

Shibumi

[ReineD]

Shibumi, how DO you answer your wife's two questions that you typed in your first paragraph?

[MonctonGirl]

Dear Lillith,

If you are a Leo ( Zodiac sign ) send me a private message with your original post and I will explain it and provide clarity to the situation.
If you are not a Leo, then I cannot offer more than the others have.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Reine, I tell her that there is no comparison. She is the paradigm of beauty and femininity I aspire to emulate, but will never achieve. She's also real, while what I see in the mirror or photograph is just an illusion. While it's thrilling to see my legs looking somewhat like hers, it's equally stimulating to see her decked out whether I am dressed or not. Whenever I can, I'll take her out for lunch or dinner and encourage her to dress up, and I will put on a suit or a sport coat, a pressed and starched shirt with french cuffs and cufflinks, highly shined shoes, and I will try to make her feel special. She is special. I try to be the man she wants and needs 99% of the time, and I think she appreciates this, which is why she indulges my fetish. 1% of the time, I would love to be her best girlfriend or lesbian lover, though that's just a fantasy--and she is aware of that fantasy. I've told her that the ultimate fantasy would be for us to get fully dressed as women together in figure hugging cocktail dresses with heels and hose, makeup, jewelry--the complete package. We'd have a romantic dinner, dance, and then make love as women. She is not ready for this, but then again neither am I. I look ridiculous in a dress from the waist up (she concurs), and until--if ever--I can look halfway decent, it will remain just that: a fantasy.

I've tried to explain that even though I do love to experience the look and sensations of women's clothing, I don't wear those items to replace her. I do it because it is a powerful visual and tactile way to share for a few moments what she sees and feels. It's a pale facsimile compared to her genuine feminine beauty...she will always be the real thing.

I think she is starting to understand, and feels less threatened now, after almost a year. I hope that Lillith and her SO can arrive at the same place.

Shibumi

[ReineD]

Thanks so much Shibumi! :)

To Lilith: I asked Shibumi this because I wanted you to read it from the CDer's perspective. Shibumi echoes posts from other CDers who have shared the same sentiments.

Do ask your SO the same questions. I suspect this will ease your mind.

:hugs: