Hiding in plain sight - a social experiment

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I recently seen (and read) a few posts related to gals going out and how we are read/blend/pass and so on. Now, I know I get read whenever there is close scrutiny but I have learned to accept that. However, I still get paranoid when out and about in a large venue and feel like everyone is shooting daggers with their stares at me. So being a student of the human condition I asked myself the same question others have on this forum . . . "Are people really staring or is it just my imagination?"

So being a social scientist, I decided to conduct a bit of a field experiment. Specifically, I was going to go out dressed and observe how I am read, or not, by those around me. So I had a few things planned for the day and decided to dress in a manner which would allow me to blend (I have attached a picture). Of course every experiment needs a control and that would be me in a venue under close scrutiny. For this I chose to take my car in for servicing and wait for it. As expected I was read by those also in the waiting area but no adverse (OMG!!!!!!) reactions. More curiosity mixed with a hint of HUH?. However, if I moved around the showroom to look at cars most people did not pay attention to me except for the salesman who approached and tried to sell me a new vehicle. He was a bit confused as he approached me from behind and must have processed girl but when I turned he processed boy and it was awkward for a moment but he moved on to his sales pitch . . . commission is commission.

When I left the service station, I went to a busy mall close by to meet up with a friend for lunch. When I entered the mall, I held my head up and walked like I had purpose and that I belonged. Got a few stares and few giggles (teenage girls and boys) but for the most part I noticed people were to busy with their own life to notice little old me.

I went and bought a few items I needed and was always read by the SAs (to be expected). I did try two variations of the store shopping protocol . . . Store 1 (women's clothing), I skulked around, looked nervous (head down, deer in headlights) . . . Store 2 (women's clothing again) walked with a purpose, casually looked at items, head up, smile. Now I was read by any person who came close (a given in my case) in both stores but, I attracted far less attention in Store 2 than I did in Store 1.

I met my friend for lunch at one of the restaurants in the mall and once again, walked in like I belonged. The hostess read me immediately as did the other patrons standing around waiting. But this has to be expected as I look like a guy on close examination (heck I am guy . . . although IMHO I think I am slightly pretty :battingeyelashes:). My friend was not there and sitting alone attracted attention but once my friend came, we talked and visited and nobody paid us any attention.

Final experiment for the day. I placed myself at the top of a busy escalator in the mall so I was right at the exit of the escalator. I stood there pretending to be waiting for someone. I figured that if anyone was going to read me, it would be people coming up the escalator. After 30 minutes much to my surprise only two people glanced at me more with a curious . . . HUH? look. Everyone else were too busy with their own lives to even bother looking around.

With the 30 minute escalator protocol finished, I did one more tour around the mall (my boots made a nice clicking noise when walking) and while some looked in my direction, most did not.

So, I propose that we might be just a bit paranoid when out and about for no reason as it appears most people don't care or don't notice. Now please, I am not advocating rushing out in public if you are not ready. While I find that most people don't care, you still need a thick skin and a certain comfort level to truly not care what others thinks. I am not 100 percent there yet but, I am slowly making my way to that sweet spot of not caring.

Hugs

Isha

[Stephanie47]

I think most of us would not expect anything but the reactions or lack of reaction that you received. Sure, up front and personal will get you "made." Some people are constantly observing their surrounding, like me. Some are oblivious to their surroundings. Some see and don't care. If you wanted to attract more attention I would suggest a dress hitting mid thigh and heels. I think the reactions would be the same.

I think the difference in how you are received is whether you are intruding into a person's personal space. Do the same experiment in a neighborhood bar/tavern. Stop and ask a person for directions. I think the reactions will be different.

How many times have I heard that women are more receptive to talking with a gay man or view a cross dresser with curiosity but, you get "Not in my back yard" if their husband were to want to cross dress.

I think your experiment is valid in places where the observer is not threatened.

[Marcelle]

Hi Stephaine,

I agree that the experiment would take on a different tone if the venue were changed to a bar/tavern (been there and it was not pretty). I wanted to test the safe venues because that is where most fledglings (myself included) begin. I just wanted to demonstrate that it is less of an issue than we (newbies) expect.

Hugs

Isha

[Tracii G]

Isha I have does the same experiment and came to the same conclusions.
Most people don't look past the clothes,if its womens clothes they think woman.Some will look closer and have a wth moment but you have to expect that.
Thick skin is needed for sure.
It is true that most of the things we worry about going out enfemme are of our own doing.
I would say 85% of the general public won't even look at you for longer than a few seconds and thats not long enough to process past the clothes and hair/wig.
If you dress like a hooker then yeah you will get lots of reactions and giggles.

[Lexi Moralas]

Great experiment , I too have noticed if I act casual I attract less attention.
Great pic btw you look amazing

[Cheryl T]

I feel that a big part of being "read" is how we act when out.
If we are dressed appropriately for the venue and act as if we belong then others either ignore us, read us and don't care or read us and just go Huh quietly to themselves.
If we are overdressed then we of course attract undue attention and we will be read. If we act "over the top" then the same is true.
Just being confident in who you are and where you are is enough to divert attention, or at least not attract it.

[JenniferR771]

Thanks, Isha. If you can't prove it with a science experiment--its just witchcraft. I have been out a few times without much notice from fellow shoppers. But the clerks that know me sometimes say "Hi Jennifer!"
Still, I had one of those aggressive Dead Sea Salt Kiosk girls give one of my nails a real thorough buffing--so shiny. I asked a makeup counter girl who read me, "How did you know?"
"Just something about you in general."

[Chari]

As others have stated, it is usually the attire and presentation that can cause a "panic" moment for both the CDer & the observer. IMO there is also the CD attitude that draws attention. Being quiet, friendly, and pleasant to all those that approach you, and adding a warm smile has defused many uncomfortable situations.

[Suzanne F]

Isha
I am so happy that you are still going out! I am a little spoiled by being in San Francisco I guess. I get made by some but most don't give it a second thought. My wife asked me the other night if it bothered me anymore. It honestly doesn't anymore. It is so worth it to be able to be who I am after all this time. I am so pleased to be me that I can't be bothered by a few glances at me. I think some of those second glances are like oh that is a man but he is kind of pretty! Anyway since I am just guessing about what people think I might as well use a guess that serves me. Of course I had good teachers like Aliie and Rachael. I have been going out to main stream places ever since I began meeting them out 6 months ago. I will be going to a play this weekend dressed with my wife and Allie and Rachael. I am sure we will get a few stares but we will be some of the happiest women there!
Suzanne

[Erica Marie]

First off I want to say I am very proud of you for even putting yourself in the situatutions that you did. With the outfit you had on unless people were checking you out on purpose it would take a second look to be read or a very close up and personal experience. Besides anyone with real manners would treat you like any other person.
I luv the outfit and I hope you have many more pleasurable outings.

[Roli F]

Been there tried skulking a little get noticed immediately, look like you should be there much less noticeable, however going out as my extrovert femme self gets noticed and applauded with good comments from passers by even high fives from some, a few titters and disgust from the old fossils and dinosaurs about.gave one old bat who openly laughed at me in marks n sparks as i went up the escalator so ran up to the top quickly went back down again went round the other direction and came full front on with claws out says "I can turn back into a plain ordinary bloke when I get home, you on the other hand need to visit all the beauty counters here buy every product there is It might work or it might not"Meow I know it was bad of me but peeps like that should get with the program the look on her face was a sight to see

[cyndi13]

I find children to be a challenge... they seem to read me instantly... but what make me feel uncomfortable, is their comment "mommy, that's a guy"

[Marcelle]

Ah, the innocence of children. I have not had a comment like that yet but then I have not run into many adults with small children . . . I am sure it will happen though.

Hugs

Isha

[Richelle]

Isha,

Thank you a very interesting experiment. I agree with you I think that for many of us when we start out it we ask worry to much about what others are going to think. When we should be just out and about enjoying whatever we are doing.

Richelle

[kimdl93]

I've been in all of these venues and others, including a car wash and oil change shop, the grocery, mall, bank, a museum, a theatre...for a play, several restaurants, gas stations and mcDonalds along the KS turnpike and so on. I always keep my head up and meet eye contact with a smile. And sue I get read, but so far, other than an incident here in a north tx RV park, I've seldom attracted undesirable attention.

[kymberlyjean]

I've been out just about everywhere and done everything I've ever wanted to do. I think the turning point for me was just getting over being "read". To put it another way- I'm not out pretending to be a woman. I came to the realization that I am what I am. I am a guy that is out shopping, or having a good time, or whatever, and looking fabulous while doing it. Sure, getting called ma'am, her and she is great if I can get it, but it doesn't crush me when I get sir'ed anymore. I've always said the closest I am to being a woman is 10 feet- any closer than that and it's obvious I'm not, haha.
Once upon a time I also thought that if I didn't look at people or otherwise engage that they weren't paying much attention. That all changed when I started shopping with my wife and she had the luxury of being one or two isles over or a little ways ahead or behind me. She said that yes- people do stare and whisper or giggle, but most of them don't have the balls to do it where I can see them. They wait until I'm past them or looking the other way. Hey guess what- I still don't care!!! I'm glad I could give them something to talk about at the dinner table tonight!

[Beverley Sims]

Looking at that photo of you in your jeans, who would spot the man at the top of the elevator anyway.
Not much of a social science project you don't look like a man in a dress, and there's no bears either. :)
Good for you doing what you did.

[GretchenJ]

Hi Isha,

Great outfit for the experiment, looks like any girl you may seen out and about on a fall day. I think that you looked great.I really admire your ability put your fears aside and to just go with the flow (something that I am having major issues coming to grasp with).

One minor assessment that I have a slight disagreement with ( the engineer in me). I KNOW keeping your head down kind of singles you out and sets off red flags, I would also suggest that doing that in a store may make you out to be a possible shoplifter as well and at track even more unwanted attention

One more final thing - stop selling yourself short - you are waaaayy more than slightly pretty.

Gretchen

[Julie Gaum]

My comments reinforced by other posts so, Isha, what am I missing that evidently doesn't appear in your picture?
Why am I curious: your OP makes several observations that you are sure you don't pass to most while, from what the members responding see, you do appear to generally pass. Is it because you're very tall, very heavy, have a bass voice? What's not in your picture that makes you so convinced?
By the way there are exceptions to the "head-down" give away. I present as a well dressed old lady with my own short silver hair and a decided bent over posture. As a result I look down as to where I step rather than head high.
Yes, I try to maintain a grin rather than look grouchy which would accent male features and I do speak from my teeth rather than my chest---so far no obvious comments, to my face at least. Ah, the one advantage of age.
Julie

[Sometimes Steffi]

For my first time out, I went to the Maryland Renaissance Festival. I went there dressed as a male, but I rented a wench costume.

I think I was reasonably relaxed because I didn't mind if people recognized that I was a guy. After all, there were people there dressed as knights, monks, noblewomen and all manner of Renaissance people.

I must have walked past thousands of people. Most people didn't even give me a second glance. A number of women figured it out and either smiled or gave me a compliment. If the smiled at me, I smiled right back. Yes, I know you figured out my little secret, but it's all cool. One guy noticed, and was totally freaked out, but he was drunk. He turned and said something to me, and his friends intervened and dragged him away. So, I'll bet only one in a hundred even noticed, and I didn't hardly have any makeup on.

[Bree Wagner]

Store 1 (women's clothing), I skulked around, looked nervous (head down, deer in headlights) . . . Store 2 (women's clothing again) walked with a purpose, casually looked at items, head up, smile. Now I was read by any person who came close (a given in my case) in both stores but, I attracted far less attention in Store 2 than I did in Store 1.


This was the hardest lesson for me to learn, and can still be tough at times, but it does get easier. Keeping that head up and smiling will do wonders! Trying to mind your own business with your head down somehow does draw more (possibly negative) attention, while a smile will often be returned by a smile. I'll even get the occasional question asking my opinion on something.

-Bree

[docrobbysherry]

I see no reason to go out in vanilla public areas dressed, Isha. Unless there's a chance I mite pass, (only possible on Halloween), or to meet other girls.

Yes, it gets easier the more I do it. But, I doubt I will ever be comfortable or enjoy, doing it!

Dressing in private, with no limits, no judgmental stares, no stress is SO MUCH more enjoyable for me.

[Ellie52]

ive been out solo a few times in the last couple of months and to be honest I never had any problems. The worst was the first time when I nearly bumped into 3 guys when I was going back to my car (dressed in my pink suit -Avatar pic- actually just after the photo was taken) and one of the guys looked me up and down as if I was a piece of meat. I didnt like that even though Im sure he thought I was a woman. There were no sniggers or anything from any of them.
I walked all through the shopping centre and bought coffee in a cafe and it felt great. After that Ive been to the local marina (on school holidays) without real issues except my voice failed me when asking for a long black coffee (australian for americano) which attracted the attention of the waitress. To her credit she never batted an eyelid. Ive also been out along the local beaches and met some nice people.
So I think confidence is paramount. I am lucky in that I am quite small and skinny (5'7) and have very little body/facial hair.
Ive never been out with anyone else so I dont know what people say behind my back but like others have said "who cares" get a life. Im not hurting anyone......Ellie

[Rhonda Darling]

Isha:

Quit the kidding. Obviously the study was rigged because you sent that fabulous looking woman out into the world instead of a guy in girls clothing. In other words, you look marvelous and have demonstrated what we all eventually realize -- self-confidence and attitude will carry you a long way when out and about en femme. When you stop looking around furtively to see who's watching you and just go about your business, you fit in and don't draw undue attention.

For me, after years of paranoia when out, such as sitting in the car for 40 minutes before having the guts to get out and buy a drink from a vending machine when few are around, one day it was like a switch was thrown. Rhonda emerged with confidence and courage to just do as other women do and go quietly about my business. No lightning bolts struck, no gauntlets to run in the shopping malls, nothing but fun. If I'm read I now make the best of it if the opportunity is right, otherwise, "F" 'em and I just go about my business. It helped tremendously that my GF convinced me to tone down my look and wear clothes that fit the situation and were similar to how the GGs were dressed.

Thank you for your study, which really reinforces the advice so often given on this forum -- act and dress the role and you'll fit right in.

Best,
Rhonda

[linda allen]

A great way to do such an experiment would be to have a friend follow you with a hidden video camera. It's hard to know what people are doing or saying behind your back without looking.

I suppose you could even do it yourself by putting a camera in a purse facing backwards. Or two, one in each direction.

[Launa]

I went out to a straight sports bar last night for my first time, it was an older bar and it was mainly filled with men, I walked through a bunch of tables sat down with a couple other CD's. My CD friends blend "way better than I do" and they were inside sitting down in the bar before I got there. So when I went thru the doors I had to look all around the place to find them. LOL

I know there were more than enough stares at first but that was about it after that everybody was doing their own thing again and watching sports. It still would have been interesting to see their faces and reactions behind my back but I probably know what was going on.

[Bria]

Isha, I love the experiment that you did! However I wonder if the difference that you experienced when you held your head up and proceded with your business might have been because you were focused on where you were going and what you were doing and therefore not able to take notice of those around as much as when you were looking around to see the reaction. Just a thought. By the way I think you look fab, like a hundred other girls out to run some errands. Glad it all worked well, next time get some one to help and it will be a much more scientific study (just the engineer in me). Bria

[JennyLynn]

Steph,
You are such a badass cool girl to do what you did! I absolutely loved your experiment. I have never been out in public, but after reading your post, I'm as determined as ever to do it. My wife saw a woman (at least I thought she was) and commented that it was a man dressed as a woman. I asked her how she knew and she just said she did. Great....that gave me confidence! I'm not out of the closet with my wife and never will be, but that spooked me. I would so love to go out in public, but other than a hike in the woods in some remote area, I don't see it happening I live in a very...well not "very", redneck area...upstate NY. Nosy neighbors, lack of opportunity to get out..etc. I would have to go to a local big city and then do what? Walk around? I did see a CD many years ago in a restaurant in the mall when I was having lunch with my wife. I pointed her out and said how she was a he I'm soooo embarassed now and ashamed that I was the one who thought it was odd, when all along I envied her. I'm just so bummed that I didn't have the balls to do what she did, or at least shut up and secretly support her. I guess I was just jealous. We all can be so evil sometime...that was my evil time...not to mention being such a HYPROCITE!!

[Marcelle]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your observations and kind comments. I truly enjoyed the experience and learned a lot from it myself. As for the camera, I thought about it, but the scientist in me was screaming "informed consent" for all those I video taped just in case.

I agree with the observation that what I saw might be totally different from what went on after I moved past. I am sure there were giggles, guffaws and a few OMGs but in the end, it was not directed at me but about me . . . "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, did it really fall?" or more aptly "If a CDer walks through a mall and doesn't see or hear a bad reaction, did it really happen?" :)

In the end, I am slowly understanding why the more experienced gals on this site say it really is a non-event. I think once people process that this is a guy in women's clothing walking through the mall, they may think "Weird" but the reality is that they probably have more important things to worry about then seeing a CDer in the mall . . . It's not like we are some rare unicorn galloping through a field on a summer day . . . Hmmm, potential new experiment, would a CDer be noticed if she were riding a unicorn through a busy mall? Anyone know were I can get a unicorn? :battingeyelashes:


Hugs

Isha