Dressing for sexual or nonsexual reasons

[Lilith]

I know there are as many different types of cross dressers out there as there are people. Individuals differ from one another. But maybe there's something you can help me understand in a general sense. My boyfriend originally introduced his cross dressing to me as a kink. While it is definitely something that turns him on it is much more than a kink. I have my share of kinks but they are simply fun for me. There is no real need for them in my life. Most of the time being dressed for him is sexual. But on occasion he likes to dress at home or leave the house dressed for nonsexual reasons. I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this for me. As with most SOs I'm just trying to better understand!

[kimdl93]

I have one perspective. Many CDrs discover their interest in wearing women's clothing during adolescence, if not earlier. At the same time they are approaching sexual awakening. And I think, somewhat by coincidence, sexual expression and CDing become associated. After all, what isn't sexually stimulating to a teenage boy?!

Of course,due to social stigma and personal apprehension about what CDing might mean if it were not a 'kink', it may be that we also strongly repress any thought that we possess a non sexual interest in presenting as female. It may take years before we realize that sex isn't the real driver behind the need to dress.

[linda allen]

For me, dressing is not sexual. I'm not sure why I do it but it's not sexual.

[I Am Paula]

Kim just about said it all. I'll just add- IMO, those who use women's clothes strictly for sexual reasons usually focus on a few items eg. stocking, and garter belt. After whatever release they are after, they remove them, and get back to watching hockey. Complete dressing, with wig, and makeup etc. for sexual reasons seems very rare.

[Shari]

My beginnings were pre adolescent when I wasn't even aware of what sexual stimulation was.
Later on, it became sexual, almost a means to an end.
Now in my later years, it's still a turn on but I don't have to "achieve" it every time.

The simplest expanation I can give you is, it just feels sooooooooooo damned good no matter what time of life it is.

[GretchenJ]

Yes, in my personal experience , Kim is the right on the money. As for me it has taken me literally decades to realize this

[Lisa Gerrie]

Well put, Kim.

Lilith, I think it depends on part on your age. Lots of people like me -- male heterosexual crossdressers -- report feeling less of a connection between sex and crossdressing as we get older, at least on this forum.

Many (most?) men and women report a diminished sex drive as we get older, so it's kind of natural to evolve (dare I say mature?) as a crossdresser.

I used to associate dancing with clubs and sex. Sex is not on my mind nearly as much as it was ten years ago, but I find I still love to dance.

[NicoleScott]

Maybe you and your BF don't agree on what a kink is. It may be a fun quirk for you but a core characteristic of him, called a kink because it is off kilter of expected behaviors for men. Anyway:
Many CDers here say that it was sexual in their younger years but as they matured it became less sexual or not at all. For others, like me, it was and still is sexual. I still am unsure why, if it is always sexual, my interest in women's clothes, shoes, and makeup began around age 5, long before I was AWARE of sexual anything. Were the sexual influences there all along, but I was not aware of them?
I agree with Kim - when puberty hit, dressing and sex became associated. While that may be good thing in some cases (bedroom fun) it can become so strongly associated that dressing and sex become inseparable.
My wife and I had a long and serious discussion about my CDing. She fully accepts, I believe because I leveled with her as to what drives my dressing desires, my dressing history, my intentions (status quo), and I answered all the normal questions: gay? No. Want to be a woman? No. etc. etc.
She does not participate, and it's important to recongize that not all partners want participation. Some are seriously turned off by their man's dressing, but acknowledge the need - "You can do it, but I don't want to see it".
The non-sexual dressing? I haven't a clue. But others do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lilith, I guess that it's the old saying , If it feels good do it.

[Lynn Marie]

What Paula said. CDing changed for me when I got hair and makeup, and changed even more when I got out the door.

[robindee36]

I am not an expert but..... Seems there are two operative elements, sex and sexuality (identity). Some dress and enjoy the latter. These seem to be mainly hetero males who like the look and feel of feminine attire. SO's may, or may not be involved.

On the other hand there are those of us who enjoy the look and feel of feminine attire as well as exploring sex in this mode. These seem to be bi and gay males (when in drab of course). Doubtful many SO's are involved here unless they are male or kinky ;)

I understand we can parse this in many ways and to a much greater detail, but this seems a simple way to frame the discussion.

This concept has been addressed here in numerous forms and fashions but the fundamentals are the same. Its all about sex and sexuality.

Just my opinion.

Hugs, Robin

[Gillian Gigs]

Quote; "Seems there are two operative elements, sex and sexuality (identity)." As what has already been stated, dressing and the sexual awakening happen at similar times and it then becomes difficult to divorce the two in later life. How many people change the way they drink their coffee through out their lives? When you get started down a particular path those ruts get rather deep over time, and it becomes difficult getting out of the ruts.

As we get older drives do diminish, but here is another thought on that. When a man is young his longtivity is short, and once the explosion has happened interest drops off quickly. As one gets older it becomes more like a slow burn, the interest builds over time and the fire slowly gets hotter. What am I saying, in youth the start to finish is 30 minutes to an hour. As one gets older it can be two to three days. If dressing is about sex, the destination is the same, it just takes longer to get there as one gets older. And we need to remember that life is a journey, so enjoy the travel, and not just the destination!

[Beverley Sims]

When I was younger it was sexual, usually involving a girlfriend, these days it is more social.

[MysticLady]

My boyfriend originally introduced his cross dressing to me as a kink.

That was his first mistake. Telling you it was a kink. He probably said this since he can't really explain it himself.

[Stephanie47]

When I started trying on my mother's slips I did not know what sex was. I think sex was not invented until the 1960's. Lucy and Desi slept in separate beds. I just loved the feel of nylon. If my mother wore cotton slips I probably would have escaped the entire cross dressing routine. When I discovered sex it had nothing to do with women's clothing. When I started wearing more items of clothing than just slips, it still was not sexual. It wasn't until after getting married that the concept merged a little, i.e., bedroom play with lingerie. After that was curtailed by my wife dressing became a stress reliever. Something about wearing a dress and heel and wig makes the male inhabitant of this mass of protoplasm disappear.

[MatildaJ.]

Most of the time being dressed for him is sexual. But on occasion he likes to dress at home or leave the house dressed for nonsexual reasons. I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this for me. As with most SOs I'm just trying to better understand!

A lot of cross-dressers seem to feel that it gives them a mini-vacation from the pressures of being a man. So when the pressures have been high, they feel more pulled toward that vacation.

Similarly, a lot of men are tired of being the aggressor in sex, as well, and want to take a turn being the one desired, the one taken out on dates and given little treats, the one receiving attention in bed.

Also, there's just a sense of impending mortality at work. If they have reached a plateau in terms of what they can achieve as a guy (in their relationship, in their profession), then they want a new challenge to face before death. Cross-dressing can be a way to "level-up", to try something that is exciting and new, and will take years for them to master.

[Kate Simmons]

I mostly do it to look nice and have fun Hon. The sexual aspect doesn't really enter into it for myself. If there is mutual interest with another person, that is something entirely different. :)

[michelle45]

So agree with JessM!! My last dressing experience left me feeling so refreshed the next day I am planning more vacations in the near future!:)

[ReineD]

Based on everything I've read here over the years, I agree with Kim and Nicole that the CDing and sexual gratification become linked during the teenage years. I'd like to add, this is indeed a powerful elixir that can rewire the brain, just as any habitual and intense pleasure-inducing activity.

Where I disagree is how it starts (for CDers and not TSs or perhaps the gender non-conformists). Many people will say they began at ages 3 to 10, before there was any sexual expression. They may not realize that as humans, we are sexual beings from the very start of our lives. Young children are acutely aware of what feels good to their bodies. This is evidenced by exploration and touching even at age 3-5, even when there is no possibility of ejaculation yet. Here are two of many articles that describe sexual evolution from a young age:

1. http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/sexual_health/development.html# (pages 1 & 2)

2. http://extension.missouri.edu/p/GH6002

At any rate, I believe that something triggers (for the CDers and not for TSs) the need to dress and the awareness that dressing in mom's or sister's clothes is so thrilling at age 3 or 10. Some people call it early sexual imprinting, much the same as the burgeoning of any fetish, which does begin between ages 2 and 10, although more commonly between ages 3 and 8:

3. http://www.smartsextalk.com/fetishes-an-explanation-2/

If you read the "when did you start" threads, you will see members describe their early feelings as some sort of thrill, as opposed to dressing in the gender they felt they were internally (again, for CDers and not for TSs). Obviously, the association with ejaculation only happens once the body is capable of ejaculating in later years and not in early years.

I also agree with Mich in that eventually the need for sexual gratification is replaced with a need to dress for comfort, as CDers age. But you'll read here often that for many CDers, early forays into dressing outside of the closet are a thrill of their own kind, since there is a sense of taboo even if sexual gratification does not immediately ensue. But, the sense of taboo also abates with time and practice.

Finally, it's true that the CDing is different for everyone and this is because everyone is at a different point along their progression. Also, the progression stages do not all begin or happen at the same time nor are they of the same duration for everyone since all of this is affected by an individual's life circumstances. Still, there are common threads.

Here is Chapter 7 of a new textbook intended for therapists. The book is entitled "Counseling for LGBTI Clients" by Kevin Alderson. The publishers have released Chapter 7 (on crossdressing) for public viewing:

4. http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf

Some people object to the inclusion of the word "fetishistic" in the chapter title, but the author does emphasize that the CDing does not remain fetishistic for all crossdressers as they age, which corresponds to what everyone says here.

[tictac43]

I like reine's response! For me it started with wearing my mothers watches when I was around 6 or so. I was always wanting to wear women's watches. I remember always being embarrassed to ask because I knew that it was weird. It was like I already knew it was taboo but I just loved the idea of it.

When I hit puberty the sexual connection started to form. I would often "borrow" a women's watch just to get a sexual rush. It wasn't until college that I told anyone this. Long story short I know have an accepting GF and other friend who is a girl who know about it.

While I do think the watches are still the base of my "fetish", i think with the new found comfort I've been feeling wearing them, my mind naturally is looking for that rush again and that's where my CDing comes in. I'm 26 now but I can already start to feel the sense of separation from sex and dressing. I surely get aroused from it but I don't necessarily want to have sex while dressed. At this point I just want to be told I look pretty and feminine. As someone said before, I don't need to "achieve" every time.

This makes me think that the ladies watches was just my escape into femininity. It just took some comfort and acceptance in others to bring out the rest I guess.

Like your BF, I too told my GF it was a kink. I would say that is accurate because I get aroused but it's just not the only thing I get from it. There is a mental satisfaction as well rather than just purely physical

[andrea35]

Hi JessM, I really like your answer because that is my case now a days, when I was maybe five I started maybe out of curiosity crdressing then as a teenager and a long time into my adulthood I got a sexual pleasure out of doing it and now I do it because it takes me momentarily out of the pressures of life. also ,I have always been submissive a trait that I wish I did not have because more often than not it has turnout to be bad in my relationships.

[LilSissyStevie]

JessM, I've come to believe it's just as simple as that! Much is made of the so-called difference between "identity" CDs and "fetish" CDs but they are just different expressions of the incongruence many males feel with masculinity. Masculinity and femininity are artificial constructs, after all, that we are all pressured to hold to from birth whether it conforms to our own self image or not. It makes perfect sense to me that one could start dressing non-sexually as a child, become a "fetish" dresser around the onset of puberty and then become an "identity" dresser as the libido wanes. There are infinite ways this can play out and not all of them involve CDing, BTW. It just depends on where the incongruence lies. Occam's razor demands the simplest explanation, so convoluted explanations like "autogynephilia" and the elusive gender identity gene are red herrings, IMO.

[flwildboy]

I couldn't wait till the day I could go out fully dressed and try on shoes and outfits. I thought for sure it would be the ultimate, and I would probably bust a nut right in my pantyhose. Well the odd thing was I enjoyed being out and try on stuff, but I was not sexually excited at all. I don't think I got hard once. When alone and wearing some girly things, I usually I relieve myself, then I feel ashamed, or say what in the hell am I doing? Until next time, or after a while I get aroused and I'm recharged for another orgasm, lol. I don't know if it is I'm more attracted to femininity of a woman, and it is more just sexual for me. I am not passable, and I know that, so it is kind of a let down that I will never be a sexy, hot looking female. But when I see a sexy woman dressed feminine, it instantly catches my eye.

[Gillian Gigs]

Thanks ReineD, for the tags. http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf , this was a good read.
One sentence really struck me, and I quote; "Happy people who accept their human condition, whatever it looks like in their particular case, are most likely to have the energy, stamina, and positive mental attitude to move forward and accomplish the goals that are reasonable for them to attain." That is what brought me to this forum and is keeping me here. To accept myself and help others to accept themselves.

[Pandys]

It definitely was a sexual thing for me originally, but recently I seem to be more interested in just dressing.

[katssun]

It started out as a sexual thing for me as well.

Now it isn't. I do it for relaxation more than anything. The thrill is gone...and I couldn't be happier!

[Kiwi Primrose]

My interest in CDressing started before any thoughts of sexual matters but as life moves on so does the interest in sex. So I have been through the years when almost anything could supply a sexual impetus to the more mature years that slow things down a bit.
Dressing in female attire has always been to get the feel and look of the much wider variety of fabrics and designs available to women - mostly non-sexual but with the occasional slip-up and subsequent "abuse" of silky or lace underthings.
Now, at the age of 76, I can dress as a woman for several hours a day with the intent of acting the part in my walk and mannerisms. I'm pleased to report that the occasional slip-up still happens and sexual excitement takes over but much less than in earlier times. With a bit of luck sexual feelings for lingerie will never desert me.
Love from New Zealand

[MissTee]

Not about sex for me, though it can be a turn on at times. I think there are several dimensions of need-to dressing for me. First, there is comfort it brings. During times of great stress I want to wear something fun and flirty. What that is can depend on what in my wardrobe speaks to me at the moment. Next, and I don't profess to know why, but the mood hits and I just want to dress. Sometimes I want to wear a dress or gown, sometimes leggings and tunic, sometimes capri and a cute blouse. I'm completely nuts for cute shoes of any kind and I love rattle bracelets. Lastly, I sometimes want to curl up in a nightie and sweater, throw a blanket on me, and read a good book simply because it feels good. Years ago I learned to be OK with CD-ing and not fret why I do what I do. My wife loves and supports me, too. I'm not hurting anyone and I'm at peace with myself.

[mexdresser]

It's both a form of relaxation and sexual for me. I always start off dressing to feel relaxed, but more than 50% ends in sexual feelings.

[k lynn]

Reine is so right I started off when I was about 4 years old feeling of the bras and panties in the store then one day at age 7 after seeing my sister in her bra I started wearing her bra till I was caught read some of my other posts but yes in my teens and intill about 12 years ago some times it was a sexual thing Reine I so enjoy reading your posts as they always hit close to home and make me stop and think

[rachelcdtvcd]

i dress strictly for sexual arousal. i have NO desire to leave the house or share my dressing with anyone else. what i do, i do for myself and don't "require" anyone else's "approval". i'm very happy with myself, so i don't feel the urge of going out and having anyone bash me for something that they have NO "interest" in. hope that makes sense.

[Jordan-NH]

Lilith, I'm just like your BF. Afraid I can't shed too much light as to why though. I've always called it a kink, my GF doesn't feel I should. I have to kind of disagree with the comments people have made about linking it to sexual development. I didn't start dressing until I was 30. When I started it was very much a sexual thing and is still a strong element. I don't need to dress to become aroused, but it's often very nice too. But then there are getting to be more days that I just enjoy doing it for itself and nothing more. I guess my perspective is, it's an escape. I don't drink so I've always viewed it as my beer. I get stressed out about an upcoming hard work day, it relaxes me to throw on a wig and skirt while I'm having breakfast in the morning. Sometimes the mind just needs to be somewhere else.

[Chickhe]

CDing is just wearing clothing. Nobody knows why people do it, but there is nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean the person wants to change sex or that it is a sexual thing. Usually, a CDer wants their life to remain as it is with the exception of being free to CD sometimes. Some people want to live full time as the other gender, but that's more in the TS direction. I think most of the negative issues and difficulty comes from ignorance and misunderstanding...once you get past all the negative stereotypes, learning to have self respect, it really is just clothing and it can be enjoyable to do...sure beats a lot of other ways to have fun and it is a great learning experience.

[suchacutie]

For me, transforming to Tina is always sensual...not sexual. The whole arsenal of clothing and products that are usually targetted at "women" are a completely different "feel" from those same products for men, hence my sensual statement.

The other piece is that for heterosexual crossdressers, we are interested in the female form and all that goes with it. We've been interested in women forever, so to be able to experience that "from the inside" has to be a sensual experience. Put on top of that moving beyond the clothing and makeup to body movement, deportment, voice, and language use, and we become immersed in a cultural change linked to femininity. That's some pretty heady stuff, and the senses just go off the chart. It's little wonder that those who experienced adolescent days with all this input linked the femininine experience with a sexual response. The sexual may taper off, but the sensual will likely not.

As background, I'm bigendered, so both of my genders are here to stay :)

[Ginger Maxim]

When I dress, I feel so many emotions. Sexual, Feminine and WANT. Want to be a woman. Especially if I put in breasts and do makeup and hair which is almost never because I have zero talent and creativeness to get it even remotely right.

But when I put on a bra with breasts and matching panties, I feel like a lady. Not sure why, but then the feminine in me becomes sexually charged and it just goes from their...

[melissagrrl]

Its very much the same for me when I am dressed Ginger. If you enjoy it, why not?

[Ginger Maxim]

I wish I could get up the courage to go out dressed up. I would still need to do so many things, ie: proper wig professional makeup, I need to breast forms and so much more.

[melissagrrl]

You could go to Wildside in Toronto, they could set you up Ginger.

[Steph_CD_62]

When I was younger it was more sexual, but now it is a way for me to relax and get comfortable.

[Ginger Maxim]

What is Wildside, do you have a website? I wish I lived in Toronto again, also I don't have a car.

[melissagrrl]

I'm sure you could google wildside, sorry, I dont remember the actual web address. I was there a couple of years ago, good times.

[melissagrrl]

You wouldnt need a car. They are close enough to everything. I had a car there but never needed to use it, just cost $ to park it.

[AmyGaleRT]

Lilith, crossdressers not only dress for different reasons, their feelings about dressing and the activities they'll engage in while dressed may change over time.

I myself started out as a strictly fetish dresser, wearing nightgowns, but when I started trying on actual dresses, I felt differently...not so much "aroused" as "happy" and "contented." That led to me developing a full femme presentation...and, once I did, I began to want to leave home. Now I'm a group organizer for a crossdresser meetup group and love hanging out with my friends at a local piano bar, both after meetings and at other times. And, if you'd told me 18 months ago that I'd have managed all that, I would have wondered what you'd been smoking recently! :D

Don't be afraid if your boyfriend's tastes change. Just keep the lines of communication open and make sure you're comfortable with what he's doing. You may even find it nice to join your "girlfriend" on a trip out to the shopping center or the salon! :)

- Amy