Coming out to a friend

[Valarie]

So my wife has been very supportive, and I love this forum, but I have been on the fence about telling my best friend. Part of me thinks he will be really awkward and part of me thinks he will think I'm joking (because I'm the comedic one). He lives 3 hours away for grad school, but we talk and Skype alot because we are working on a book together. I have not told family he is more of a brother to me than my own. I don't I just feel I need to tell someone that is close to me. What do you all think?

[Stephanie47]

My viewpoint on outing oneself intentionally is caution. Once the Genie is out of the bottle she's not going back inside. I always proceed on a need to know basis. What purpose is served by making this disclosure? Is it going to make him feel better? Or worse? Will the outcome be favorable to you? What if he runs for the hills or slowly drifts away? You're putting a good friend in an awkward situation when there may be no justifiable reason to put this on him.

Caution!

[carhill2mn]

I would advise you to carefully examine why you want to tell this friend. What will be gained (or maybe lost)? You can't unring a bell.

[Jenniferathome]

I write this reply every time this question comes up. Are you telling him for him, or for you? Will it affect his life positively by telling him? Why should he know?

Usually people want to out themselves to unburden but other than to your spouse, there is no reason to unburden yourself.

[Barbra P]

@Valarie

I would say that if you are out and about and quite open about your crossdressing to the poi9nt where your friend is likely to find out anyway, then it might be best for you to sit down with him and talk this through. If for all practical purposes you are in the closet, except for your Wife, then for the time being I’d keep it that way. As others have written, you probably have a lot more to lose than you have to gain.

[Mumstheword]

Val- wait til the book is done & then decide to tell your friend.. Just my opinion, best wishes!

[Andrea Renea]

I'm with Jenniferathome on this one. Tell no one who truly doesn't need to know.

[kimdl93]

Leave it be until you NEED to share.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with all the other posters....don't tell him. If you have your wife in your corner, consider yourself blessed.

[Tracii G]

No need to tell IMO what purpose does it serve?

[Brenda456]

Jenniferathome is wise. Very, very wise.

[paulaloha]

I understand the desire to tell others. I personally feel like I really want to have my friends know me, and accept me for who I am. I told one of my best guy friends and he was totally accepting and I LOVE having someone else I can talk to about it. I'm considering telling my best friend, who is a girl, tonight. Since I'm about to get my ears pierced and I'm growing my hair out. We are super close and she is really open minded so I think it might be worth talking about.

I say carefully consider the pro's and cons and then make your decision. I think having friends accept me for who I am is important to me because then I don't feel like I have to keep up a mask and act opposite of the way I feel. And if he is truly your best friend I'm sure he will still love you even if he finds it odd or whatever. I don't agree with everything my best friend does but we still love each other after all the years and all the things we go through.

Good luck deciding Valarie!

[Beverley Sims]

Consider the consequences, do you really need to come out to any body?

[JennyLynn]

I tend to agree with everybody here.. Unless there's an underlying reason why you feel to confide in him, there is no reason to do so. Okay, maybe I'm opening up a can of worms here, but do you feel closer to him? I'm so sorry for that question, but it begs to be asked. If so, you might have to ask yourself about your current relationship and for that matter...your sexual preferences. Please don't take offense, but I think alot of us go through this at one time or another. If you have a great relationship and are comfortable with your sexual preferences, then keep it quiet. What is to gain...or what do you really want?

[vallerie lacy]

Valarie,
I would suggest going with what the majority of the girls have said. Once it's out, there is no turning back. If you are so unsure of his reaction, I would suggest that you hint around until you get a good indication of how he might feel about having a girl for his best friend. Perhaps you could use your writing skills and write a chapter about a guy who loves to wear women's clothing.
Good luck with the book, and with your friend.

[Valarie]

Thank you all, everything you all have said I have thought myself. I think I will tell him at some point, He has been my best friend since high school and he is also a pretty sensitive guy, (He is getting a Masters in Poetry) we have been through a lot together, he even says if something happened to me he would step up and be there for my son. Vallerie Lacy, we do have a character in our comic book that is trans we both wanted to push the limits in our writing so I have hinted once or twice that the characters I write in the project reflect me lol. But you all are right, once it's out it is out!

[Sonia_cd]

Valarie, I get why lots of good people on here will tell you there is no need to come out to anyone, especially considering you're out to your spouse. At the same time I get why you would want to. It's a show of trust in that relationship and trust in that person in the hope he will understand. I also get the need to tell someone you trust. No doubt it may be to "unburden" yourself although I would think it is more about sharing a part of you with that other person. It is a leap of faith and that is something that can't be logically explained or reasoned. If you feel your friendship would be enriched or even simply solidified by telling him, then by all means do. Yet also keep in mind it could go both ways. If you're uncertain then only you can make that decision and in my experience instinct is a far better pointer to determine one's action, especially in matters of the heart, of friendship and of trust. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do or when. <3

Jenniferathome, it isn't ever about the other person. It is always for and about the person disclosing it but the intention isn't as selfish as it sounds. Some of us may be comfortable keeping the disclosure limited on a "need to know" basis but yet some more of us are comfortable disclosing it to people we trust because "was want them to know". Talking and sharing fears, secrets and thoughts amongst friends isn't driven by reason but more by the heart and trust. But then again, I'm the hopeless romantic and idealist as well so hey, what do I know!

xoxo...Sonia

[Bethany38]

I understand the majority on here, but I can say this. My best friend has been my best friend for 30 years. A few years ago My wife and I were visiting with him and his. They knew I wanted to talk about something, but they had no clue what my wife and I were about to explain. His wife thought I was joking until she realized I was serious. I thought this was gonna turn into a issue with her. To my surprise she was totally cool with it. I knew my friend would not have a problem with it. I just wanted to tell him so if he would ever happen to see me or notice the changes such as the shaved body, or eyebrows, or hair length and color, he would not be wondering he would know. He is after all my best friend, he would notice the changes. Just be absolutely sure before you let this one out of the bag. Like so many others have said once it is out its out.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Valarie, Be careful what you wish for, Just remember that you can't un-ring a bell.

[KristyE]

Sonia, I love your heart. Kristy

[Marcelle]

Hi Valerie,

I fully understand your desire to share that part of you which is an important part of your life. I have been slowly coming out to various friends and work colleagues in order to avoid damage control in the future. I realize a lot of gals have said "don't tell if they don't need to know . . . what is served by them knowing" and to some degree it makes sense. However, it will really depend on how comfortable you are with people knowing and how comfortable you are with yourself.

Can it go bad . . . definitely. When I came out to one of my closest friends (I actually pulled this guy out of fire during a combat mission and took two rounds for him) he cut me off completely and said he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. Did that hurt, you bet. But others I have come out to are very supportive. However this is my particular case and we are all different and live in different situations. I am not concerned about who knows and my wife is supportive of this decision as well.

Give it some thought before you leap because when it is done, it is done. However, in the end if you are cool with it and you think your friend will be cool with it then do what you need to do. Good luck.

Hugs

Isha