Accepted vs Accepting - Is there a difference and does it matter?

[Paula DAngelo]

First let me say this is just from my personal experience and are my views on the subject. Also this post serves to vent some of my frustration on the subject.

A little background so this might make more sense to any of you that continue to read this.

My now ex-girlfriend and I had been living together for a year when she decides that we can no longer be together because of my dressing. She knew about this side of me from very early in our relationship, and had all the usual questions that seem to always come up. We talked things over and the final outcome was that she accepted that there are people that do this and that she was not ready to see me dressed. I understood that she wasn't ready to see me and other than 1 time when she came home earlier than was expected she never did see this side of me. During our time together she was willing to go shopping with me and would make suggestions on what she thought would look good, but still did not want to see anything. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and she decides that she can't live with me dressing when she isn't around and that she is afraid of where things might go. During our initial talk and afterwards I let her know that I was open to and willing to talk about this anytime she wanted, but I never pushed her as I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Needless to say I've had a few months to think/dwell on what happened and I came to realization that there is a difference between accepted and accepting. Let me explain what I mean. She accepted the facts that there are people like us and that it's not something that is wrong, just something that is not is not mainstream. She was not accepting in that she never wanted understand this part of me or to even admit that it really was part of me.

The way I see it for most of the people that we encounter being accepted is all that is needed, but for someone that we wish to have a serious relationship with we need for them to be accepting of us, which to my mind is something that was missing in my last relationship.

Those of you with truly accepting wives/girlfriends/partners consider yourselves lucky, even those of you in a DADT relationship should consider yourselves lucky because as I see it because there is a level of acceptance there even if they don't want to be actively involved, that was missing in my last relationship.

So do my ramblings make any sense, have any merit, or does it sound like I'm just trying to come up with a way to place some of the blame for a failed relationship on someone other than myself.

Inquiring minds want to know.

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

When it comes to acceptance and accepting we are all one "huh . . . what am I doing here" moment away from loosing our SOs to the world of "can't take this anymore". I think a lot has to do with the SO and amount of time invested in the relationship. So in my wife's case I find she is accepting and has seen me dressed, knows I go out dressed and has helped me shop. However, she will not go out with me when I am dressed. I also find that when I dress or explore Isha, some questioning does creep in as to where this is leading (i.e., transition to a woman full-time). Now I have told her that I have no desire to transition on countless occasions, she has not fully accepted that. I can't blame her as the line is quite blurring for when I am presenting "en femme" I am very girly right down to mannerisms and choice of clothing. So in a way she is accepting but there are some aspects that she has not accepted yet (fear of me wanting to transition). Could she all of sudden say, "you know what, can't accept this anymore"? Certainly but then again relationships fail for a hundred reasons which are not necessarily CD related (we just fall out of love sometimes).

But I understand you angst, you were honest and up front and it came back to bite you in the end. Is there any room for reconciliation? If so you may want to capitalize on that and discuss what it is about your CDing that frustrates her. If not, then perhaps it is time to move on . . . I know not the best advice but you have to be true to yourself as well.

Hugs

Isha

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Hi Paula,

No, I don't think you're rambling or trying to deflect blame away from yourself. You were very open about your feminine side from the begining of the relationship. Your thoughts on the difference between being accepted and someone accepting us rings very true.

I've gone through this with my wife of 30+ years. She knew of my fondness for feminine things before we were married and my occasional dressing. As time went on she helped me acquire some pieces as my dressing increased as it is wont to do.

However; I feel the time she really was taken aback was when she walked in on me one morning in full "girl" mode, complete with makeup and wig. That was the first time she had ever seen Linda and it rocked her back on her heels. From then she seemed to go in cycles between running out and buying me things to not wanting to see anything feminine on me at all.

I started seeing a therapist but this only made her more confused and scared. She actually thought I was secretly planning with my therapist to start hormones and have SRS. Let me make clear here that I am a crossdresser and a man and have no desire to become a physical woman. That isn't the path that I am traveling.

This climaxed in her actually meeting my therapist one afternoon. I still don't know what the two women talked about but things have been much better since then.

I guess what I'm taking a long time in saying is that your experience is not unique and I think you've thought it out correctly. You'll just have to keep looking for that special someone who can be accepting of your feminine side.

Love,
Linda W.

[Erica Marie]

Paula I have been in you exact same position. My now exgf also accepted the fact but was never accepting of the idea. It takes a special person to understand and accept you for who you are. At times I feel like the real honest accepting ggs are very rare and very few.

[Stevie]

You hit the nail on the head. Found it is hard to change ones mind. We see things one way and they see the same tbing different. Guess it is what makes us all different. Sorry to hear that it didn't work out with you two.

[Beverley Sims]

You cant change some peoples minds. If they are blocking out reasonable thought it is never going to happen, they may accept that there are people like you but you may never have a close relationship. They may use the dressing card as trumps but it is usually something else that is the root cause.
You do have the right spin on acceptance and accepting.

[suchacutie]

The day my wife told me she thought Tina was"sweet" was the last moment I had any doubts. With so much of this forum dedicated to the process of bringing a potential mate into this world, I had to stop and think about what that would entail and it was an OMG moment for sure.

What I can say is that when it works, life is wonderful. She will be as curious about your femme side as you are. She'll also realize that your interest in all things feminine is an advantage to the relationship, as well as your increased dedication to her because of her understanding nature. These wonderful women do exist, and I'm very sorry that your ex was not able to understand.

[kimdl93]

I picked up on what I feel underscores important point ink your experience. It's not sufficient to simply make yourself available to talk. Those conversation have to happen. If you don't push the subject, the necessary conversations may never occur and the underlying concerns, apprehensions and fears never addressed, and real understanding may never be attained.

[Alice B]

I think it is a growth process based upon the strength of the relationship. When I started and told my wife she was accepting of the concept, but limited in acceptance in her presence. First it was panties 7/24, then nighties to bed, then shaving, dresses, make up, forms and wigs. And of course heels. In each phase it was accepting, with limited acceptance. Over time and years accepting became stronger. When I dress at home or to go out she is now accepting, but to a degree. She can be in the room with me, talk to me in a normal conversation, but will only look at me via side glances. I now think it is the wearing of a wig that is the balance tipper. I can dress for the night, go out and then come to bed with full makeup on and wearing my forms. Then in the morning sit and have breakfast together wearing the same. Have normal conversation with full eye contact, but not if I wear the wig to breakfast. The line between accepting and acceptance is very muddled and different for each if us.

[AllieSF]

You are correct in your thinking. However, I do think that the reason she is not "accepting" may be for multiple reasons, not just that "she never wanted understand this part of me or to even admit that it really was part of me." Maybe she wanted to try to understand, but could not get her mind around it. Looking at what we do from the outside I have no idea why I do what I do. Now ask a third party not familiar with it and they will be even more confused. If a person is confused with something and can't seem to grasp it satisfactorily they find themselves in an awkward situation. When they can accept that someone else does it, that is easier because it does not affect them directly. When it is a loved one, then they have to live with that every day. I personally would have to think hard and long whether I would want to be in a long term relationship with someone that had some personality trait, hobby or whatever that I could not mentally understand and totally feel comfortable with. I could be accepting but may decide that I do not want to accept that activity or personality trait to be a constant unrest in my life.

I also like to use the terms "Tolerating" (I don't real care for it but it is there so I just need to live with it), "Accepting" (I accept someone's right to do that) and "Accept" (I accept someone's right to do that and I accept that in the person I care for into my life with minimal or no problems).

[docrobbysherry]

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here, Paula. Based only on MY relationship experiences with GF's and an ex wife.

I don't think your break up was principally about, "accepting OR accepting"! (Using your words.)

I think your GF decided u weren't rite for her. And, maybe your trans was simply part of, but not all of, her issues with u. When one party in a relationship decides, "It's over", it's over! It simply may take the other party awhile to get that message.

If she really cared for u, I believe she would have worked a bit harder to make your relationship work. Use this as a learning experience. In your next relationship, try to communicate better. Get at the heart of your issues so they won't fester and grew!

[MatildaJ.]

There's a big difference between accepting that a fact is true and wanting to date someone with particular characteristics.

I could accept that my partner had a medical problem causing him to become obese (say), but that doesn't mean I would still be attracted to him.

In practice, I accept that my partner cross-dresses, but I also know that I'm not attracted to women.

Have you read the thread about why some partners get into it and others never do?
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?203760-Why-do-some-like-it-and-others-don-t

It had good tips, particularly this post by Reine:

Lots of us GGs can be into a lot of stuff in the bedroom that our SOs are into, because our SOs then become more aroused and this serves us well. :D ...

As to general levels of acceptance outside the bedroom, I think a lot of it has to do with how the CDer handles it. He needs to know who he is so that he can communicate it, he needs to not be into a Pink Fog, he needs to sympathize with the fact that his wife may be freaked out when she finds out years into the marriage, and he needs to do what he can to not go over her comfort levels so that she can build a trust that he is the same person whether he CDs or not. Also, both partners need to be equals in the relationship and they must have good relationship skills (not everyone has them). ...

I've noticed that in new relationships where the sparks are already flying, early telling usually has good results since people newly in love can do no wrong. lol This was my own situation.

And I've noticed more and more younger women who are OK with this. I know that my 19 year old son has gender non-conforming friends and his generation isn't quite as freaked out about gender diversity as were prior generations.

[Paula DAngelo]

First let me thank everyone for the replies that I have been getting and I want to respond back to some of the more common themes that were brought up.

If it came across that I was trying to blame her for us separating that wasn't my intention. I realized before I told her anything what the ramifications of telling her could be. As much as the break up has hurt, I don't fault her for the way she feels. I know that there are a lot of things that go into a successful relationship and even more that can end a relationship. Whether it was the dressing, other things, or a combination of both that made her feel that I wasn't the right one for her isn't the issue. She felt things weren't right and she did what she needed to do. I don't fault her for doing what she thought was right. The whole point I was trying to bring up is that there is a big difference between someone accepting something and someone having an acceptance of the same thing. I know that before I really thought about it the lines between the two were blurred in my mind. It's something that I think we need to be aware of and pay attention to as it can help us from getting hurt.

[MatildaJ.]

I'm not sure there's any way to open yourself up for love without risking getting hurt along the way...

[SometimesJen]

I had a similar discussion with my SO about other... shall we say... differences in people. We came to the conclusion that someone's acceptance can generally be in 4 categories: unaware, aware, tolerant/intolerant, accepting/unaccepting. Someone could be completely unaware that there's someone in there life who does "X" (eg. CD's). Once they become aware, they may need to think about it before they decide whether they can tolerate it, and to what extent. After they think about it, they may decide they can accept "X" and support the person in their choices, not like "X" but tolerate the person doing it, or not accept the person doing "X". We can provide information to someone, but it's up to them to make their own decisions.

Sometimes our SO's decide they can't accept us CD'ing and move on. Sometimes they tolerate us dressing, within limits. Sometimes they support us and accept who we are and what we do. We can't force them to go one way or another, the choice is theirs. We just hope for the best.

I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out. I hope your next one goes better for both of you.

Hugs and bright blessings to you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, I fit right in there My wife of 49 yrs. and 10 months accepts me but she is not accepting of it
it's a DA-DT kind of thinggie And that works for me I know my boundaries and stay within them
all my things are hanging in three closets that's fine she just doesn't want to see me dressed
I dress every morning and a few Evenings life is great .

[MatildaJ.]

they may decide they can accept "X" and support the person in their choices, not like "X" but tolerate the person doing it, or not accept the person doing "X". ... Sometimes our SO's decide they can't accept us CD'ing and move on. Sometimes they tolerate us dressing, within limits. Sometimes they support us and accept who we are and what we do.

Sometimes they completely accept and support their spouse, but are no longer sexually interested in their spouse. So they leave, but stay friends and provide the support a friend can provide.

[EllenJo]

This is certainly a thorny question. I think that some women can accept their husband/SO as a CD and some cannot. With that said as with everthing else regarding the human condition there are varying degrees in between. My wife was able to accept my CDing very early on but absolutely did not wish to see or be part of it. Thus 20 years of underdressing which was ok with her but everything else was DADT. Last year she became more accepting and told me to dress whenever I want to. Much like Alice B. she does not really like to see me in a wig and makeup so that is still DADT but I can lounge around in any clothes I choose and she has even gone so far as to compliment me on my taste in clothes. This also came about after our sex life ended with her illness. She no longer sees me as her man but more as her partner and as such can now accept me dressed. All I know is that I enjoy the freedom and feel that my marriage to her has been wonderful throughout the give and take of our relationship. We have a solid foundation and we both have had to adjust to life as we get older.
Ellen Jo