Interesting Turn Of Events

[Aly Cat]

So the other night, my wife and I were talking about our separation and everything involved and I was getting super stressed out. Earlier in the day, I had also found out that the school I was wanting to go to didn't have an April registration time and that I was about to miss the boat on the upcoming school year. I explained this to my wife and she very calmly said...
Don't worry about it. Think of it this way, during this time of no school, you can be working full time to make extra money, you can find a good gender therapist, get them to sign off on whatever they need to to allow you to get on hormones, use that extra money to pay for the hormones, and start on your journey to becoming a woman.
Now, I don't know how many of you know my story over the last year, but that kind of casual talk coming from her caught me off guard. I just stared at her like I was dumb because I couldn't believe what she had just said. She noticed this and was like...listen, I know that this is how you have wanted me to be since the beginning but it has taken me all this time of detaching and being able to stand on my own to come to a place where I can talk openly to you about all this. As a friend, I can talk to you about this. Thinking about my husband becoming an actual woman......that's really strange....
Then she shook her head like she was trying to clear the image from her mind and was like, ok, we have to talk about something else now lol.
The topic changed from me transitioning, to her moving out this Wednesday to get new house and how she was stressed about having to pack everything up.
I couldn't get my mind off her previous rationalization about not going to school so soon to take some of the stress off my shoulders. For the first time I simply saw her as a friend who is trying to help me cope with all these changes and who is making a lot of life changes herself. I am trying to continue to be that friend she can talk to about her stresses as much as I talk about mine. We won't be staying together and well officially be separated on Wednesday. We told our children (7 and 9) last night about it and they cried themselves to sleep in my wife's arms. I cried myself to sleep alone. Many difficult steps up ahead. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts and hopefully I can get through this with limited wounds in my heart.
Sorry I got off track from what I was originally wanting to talk about. Typing this out, I've gotten all emotional. Thank you all for any positive thoughts and prayers you send out.

[bas1985]

We told our children (7 and 9) last night about it

Hi Eva, I am in a similar situation.

What do you intend by "it"? Only the separation or also the fact that you are transitioning? Maybe it is a personal
question but I am in a similar situation (two children, 9 and 5) and I would like to know how to handle it... (the transition)

[Aly Cat]

My wife won't let me tell the children about myself. I would like to as I think they would accept be but she says they are too young and also said that if I do transition, I won't be able to see the kids anymore. She said that as long as I can get away with looking male, I can see them. I'll be fighting that one later one. That's a bridge I haven't crossed yet so when I do, I'll be fighting for my rights.

[Allison_Leslie]

I became divorced myself last year and I have a good friendship with my ex-wife. She too has come a very long way in accepting what I have only recently discovered and even though my issue is just being a CD.. she had to cope with a lot due to her upbringing. But I am thankful that we can now discuss anything seriously as friends and I value that ability to do so intrinsically. I wish you both nothing but the very best of luck in life and I am very glad to hear that she has come around.. I've been reading these posts for a while now ... I know that I am brand spanking new here but I just wanted to say that you two have made a great stride towards an awesome NEW kind of relationship that will last I hope, as friends.. until the last final hour. Great luck and Thanks for tolerating me butting in here.

[mary something]

wow that is tough. Her stance on the children not being allowed to have you in their life is a form of emotional blackmail, yet chances are that she may be able to enforce it in a court of law. Be classy with her as much as possible and show her by your actions that you have the childrens interests first always. Simultaneously maybe you should be planning to save some of that extra money to be able to fight for your rights as a parent also if push comes to shove.

Perhaps if you could find a sympathetic family therapist and begin taking your children (and ex if she wants to) to sessions with the goal of making the transition as smooth as possible. It would also be a good thing to have an "expert" that can help if this matter gets decided legally in the future.

Just because there aren't that many examples of a parent transitioning and keeping a good relationship with their kids doesn't mean it's impossible. Maybe the mental barrier that she is hitting when considering the ramifications of your transition is making it difficult to imagine what life would be like in the future.

There are some members here who have transitioned years ago and were able to manage transition while keeping the relationship with their kids intact, hopefully they can contribute helpful advice also.

In my situation ( I'm transitioning currently) I suppose I was lucky that one of our children is significantly disabled and my ex told me repeatedly before leaving that NO ONE would be able to accept him into their life and that her choice of future partners was severely limited. She walked out suddenly on both myself and our children on the first train out of town so to speak lol. A few years later I'm transitioning, engaged to a wonderful woman who loves me dearly as a woman and ALSO accepts my son and loves him dearly and treats him better than his own mother did.

You never know how things will work out, take care of yourself and try to be as above reproach as possible. Establish a great relationship with your children's teachers, this is so important if issues of custody come up in court. Having school teachers and therapists who will stand up for you and give you a great recomendation as a parent goes a LONG way.

[Bria]

Eva, I will put you in my prayers, you have a tought row to hoe, it sounds like, Bria

[bas1985]

my impression is that when we marry a woman and later we transition we make a single mistake, if we also fathered one or more children we have a "tougher row to hoe", that is the "price" (so to speak) of not having realized before our TS nature.

It is essential to not play the victim card. We are "wrong" (in a certain sense we said "till death do us part" as men, so something
is really not OK on our side. I don't want to call it "illness" - either mental or physical -, but surely TS is a
real nasty condition).

So... that being said. She may use your transition as a weapon in court, that is almost inevitable, unless you are
very very proactive and trying to build around you some "safety net", with doctors, teachers, family therapist.

Do not call a lawyer, first, they tend to make war not peace (at least here in Italy), but maybe you should
call a lawyer only for economical arrangements (house, alimony, child support, etc) and leave the subject
of child visits... if you can, out of the court.

I am in your boat...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Eva I have been there...I had teenage daughters when "it" hit me...

Our divorce was not friendly, but after divorce my exwife softened considerably to my situation.

The key for you guys is that your wife be at least "just ok" with things. If she chooses to role model for your kids that this is something to get through as a group, it is highly likely things will be ok..

over and over ex's and their ts husbands have got to a point where there is a positive relationship.

I do not agree with advice to avoid lawyers. You need a lawyer. You do not have to listen to them on everything but they can help you understand the law. Most importantly you have to understand what the law says about your transition in your state.

I know its tough. Hang in there. Based on your posts its pretty likely that things will be ok despite the issues you all face.

[Laurie A]

i went through divorce 15 years ago. this will be a difficult time for you, but you will get through it. my biggest regret was that i was not able to work out a shared parenting plan with my ex, and wound up with a visitation schedule ordered by the court. i don't regret going through with it, i did my best to stay close with my kids, and they have both turned into fine young adults. hang in there

[bas1985]

I do not agree with advice to avoid lawyers. You need a lawyer.

Yes, sorry ,I agree. I would only recommend to have the lawyer handle the $ things, but not the children things. They may be separated (at least a divorce in Italy can have two different agreements, one economical and one for the children).

[Rachel Smith]

If you can be happy for the opportunity to save some kind of relationship with your wife. My wife sorry ex-wife won't even speak with me via email, phone or in person. I have lost a friend of 30 years.

Rachel

[I Am Paula]

It sounds like your wife is still going through the stages of grief. They are the same for losing a spouse to death, or transition.
It sounds like your wife is finding acceptance. Experts will tell you that stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression,and acceptance. In my experience, they can come in any order, and your wife is free to re-visit old favorites at her whim. You still have a rough path, but the acceptance days are always the good ones.
Just as an aside. I came out to my four year old nephew. He understood, and accepted me. I'm his aunt Paula now. Kids are sponges. They absorb far more than we often give them credit for.

[Nicole Erin]

If you are starting transition and going through a divorce, it is probably best to delay starting school. You don't need more on your plate right now. Divorce is a big adjustment. The legal stuff, letting the reality sink in, etc.

For your wife, probably the reason she seems supportive is cause when divorce is pending or finished, all the old fights and struggles are no longer worth worrying about.

Also to make starting school easier - try to go full time and do the name change before registering. That way you start and will be known as Jane instead of John. If you change names later, it will be real hard for your fellow students to adjust. Even if you do not pass well, it doesn't matter as much as people on here think.

For seeing the kids, if you decide to transition, then you might have to play the part of man around them. Plenty of GG women can dress as men and pass, look at some of our FTM brothers on here, even some that are not on T. HRT and even FFS are not going to change a genetic male SO MUCH that he loses the ability to look like a man. And as we know, SRS does nothing to change one's day to day look. Transition may or may not have effect on visitation. I have heard stories going either way. I have a TS friend who actually got custody of her brats. Is living F/T even around the kids worth more struggles with the ex?

Hopefully without starting a fight here but as I said - the look and act of being a man or woman is just that - an act.

Just do not try to take on too many struggles at once. Get through the divorce, start transition (name change and voice training being the most important), keep in good terms with the ex, then when the time comes, start school. Then...?

[Julie Gaum]

Eva, just a thought based on your last post: Sounds like your X-wife is hinting that her moving at this time would be difficult. If you were to work full time for the next year you should still be able to present as male to your children so why can't you suggest that they continue to live with you? A year from now the practicality
of her situation just may bring her around to further compromise. Further, wothout researching this comment it's my impression that in most states the courts would not be permitted to force complete seperation children-wise. Depending on the type of schooling you had planned and considering your age I hope that when you do go back to school it is some kind skill-training.
Julie

[Ceri Anne]

That shows a lot of honesty and maturity on your wifes part. It will take her a long time to come to grips with this, but she is already making progress. You need to do what you can to help her adjust, being patient, but not letting it derail your progress. I have a friend who has small children, his wife is fully accepting as are his kids. They are age about 6 to 17. This isn't a race, given time and understanding great things can happen.

[Aly Cat]

Hey everyone. I just read through all of your comments. I'll be replying to then probably tonight. The last few days have been crazy. The movers come today at noon to take all her stuff to the new place so we have been packing like crazy. Tonight I'll have much more time to think about all the replies and answer questions that your all have. Sorry for the delay.

[melissaK]

Hey Eva, my two cents - moving and ending relationships is super traumatic on humans in general. Be sure to acknowledge your many emotions and feelings, and be kind to your wife and respect her's.

And above all, let your kids express their feelings and emotions. Don't just be all Mrs. Brightside about the silver linings and potential good things - let them express their hurt feelings and fears of the changes you are bringing to them. They are experiencing LOSS, and because they are kids, they are helpless to do anything about it. If their hurt and fears aren't acknowledged, these events can breed anger at authority figures, including you, later in life.

Best wishes for sure.