So really, what if you were outed

[CarlaWestin]

I hear a lot of talk here about the fear of being outed. Clocked by civilization. Shunned into oblivion. I personally am getting more and more desensitized to the fear of being outed. At work there's a strict policy about LGBT sensitivity. In public, merchants welcome our business. I just don't think it matters anymore. This guy in a dress is a model citizen by every honest description and I'm caring less everyday about what anyone has to say about my gender experiences.

What you say?

[Tina B.]

that's cool, until it's your kid that has a problem with it. I don't care what strangers think of me, never have in any context, but I do care what family thinks.

[Toni Citara]

I don't know about the way anybody feels, I can only express my concerns. On a small level, pretty much people that don't "know" me, don't deal with me in the work environment, the some-what close friends from school and inner circle of family, I guess I am selective about the people I'm open with. The closeness I feel with CD is one thing, but as much as I connect with CDing I have no desire to transfer my male body into a female body as a full-time existence. I know that my CDing would pretty much ruin my professional existence, relegating my income to jobs that don't have tax reporting... (cash jobs, you know... shitty jobs that never pay enough to get ahead nor secure a retirement or other benefits).

Just my two pennies, YMMV.

[Mumstheword]

LIFE IS SHORT , SO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!! It's a dress, not a machine gun... Be true to yourself, stop being a prisoner in your own body!!

[UNDERDRESSER]

This is about me wearing skirts, and possibly stockings or other hosiery, I don't dress as a woman, and trying to find a suitable style that works with a male figure. I am not particularly interested in heels, though I'd like to experiment, do have an urge to get some low heel boots that come up to just below the knee. Love the look, on girls, and want to see how it feels and looks on me.

Being outed? I think, it would be good, in the long run. I hardly see my family, and anyway the worst would be "Really? Well, whatever floats your boat" Some would be quite cool, or even approving I think. My GF's family, at least her parents, already know, I deliberately stayed in a skirt knowing her Dad was dropping by. Don't know if it has reached her Sister or not. So far, there has been no reaction at all, we'll see if I have the nerve to pack a skirt when we go over for Christmas. At work, the worst would be some possibly boisterous ribbing. If it got too bad, we also have strong policies against harassment, and they mean it. I am less certain that they would allow skirts on the sales floor. I think they'd be OK with it, definitely if a kilt or kilt type skirt. (want to get a hiking kilt, would love it if they would sell them) Not sure how much static I'd get from customers. The general run of types we get in would be OK, but there's always some have to be a dick about things. As a co-incidence, had a guy come wearing a Utilikilt a couple of weeks ago.

Being outed unintentionally would get me over the nervousness, though it would still take a while to get over the feeling of people talking behind my back.

[CarlaWestin]

that's cool, until it's your kid that has a problem with it. I don't care what strangers think of me, never have in any context, but I do care what family thinks.

I fully agree with you on this as I truly feel that the true meaning of life is simply procreation and raising them as best you can. My daughter is now 27 and fairly liberal. I'm sure she has no issues with gender blending people but I'm still reluctant to tell her about Carla. Interesting. I didn't think of this tangent when I made the original post. Ah, the beauty of open forum. Thank you.

[JenniferYager]

I hear a lot of talk here about the fear of being outed. Clocked by civilization. Shunned into oblivion. I personally am getting more and more desensatized to the fear of being outed. At work there's a strict policy about LGBT sensativity. In public, merchants welcome our business. I just don't think it matters anymore. This guy in a dress is a model citizen by every honest description and I'm caring less everyday about what anyone has to say about my gender experiences.

What you say?

Just like freedom of speech doesn't mean you can say anything (think libel), not everyone is going to run out of the closet and tell all their friends. Even if the law says you can't be punished, people will do what they do, so many of us will stay in hiding and only come out slowly to those we really trust.

It's just that, a trust issue. Not all of us trust that our fellow man and woman won't demonize us for our clothing choices. So until we trust that we (and our families) won't get beat up at school, pulled over by cops for no reason, bullied at work, etc., then coming out is simply not an option.

[Beverley Sims]

I am not really into man in a dress, but if I get outed I usually have something humorous to say about and some of the unbelievable reasons for doing so help me get away with it. Dressed as a pregnant lady once, I was asked why?
"It is easier to get a seat on the bus."
Forget the television crew following me around. :)

[CarlaWestin]

Just a note here. I my own situation, I would never come out where I work. I deal with major safety and ROI issues on a daily basis and deal with people on a level that you can't imagine. There have been times that I've had the attention of extremely infuential people, that control a major portion of the strip, in silent eye contact awaiting my professional assessment. Pretty heavy. My appearance and dircect decisive demeanor is a professional asset that can't be compromised by a coworker's inability to accept my proclivity.


LIFE IS SHORT , SO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!! It's a dress, not a machine gun... Be true to yourself, stop being a prisoner in your own body!!

Hi Mums, you're quite the superstar here. I'm honored to have you on my post. Prisoner in my own body? I love my body. I'm a compact efficient guy and a bitchin' smokin' hot girl.

[Jennifer Kelly]

My family would probably get over it eventually (except for possibly my dad). My girlfriend would bail, and I can't say I blame her. The latter would hurt much more.

[cupcake]

I stay closeted because I have no idea what would happen otherwise. The unknown and the fear of that keeps me closeted.

[Marcelle]

I think everyone's circumstances are different with this. For me, I am slowly coming out to work colleagues and family as it makes me feel liberated. However, at first I would not because my wife did not want me to, not because she was ashamed but because she was not sure how I would be treated. As time moved forward she saw it was important to my growth and is now supportive. If you have family which may be hurt by your decision to or to get accidently outed, this may be the trump card. If you are afraid of loosing employment and being able to support yourself or your family, this may be sufficient reason.

However, if you are comfortable and none of the above apply, then it really is a non-issue so long as you are prepared to accept the naysayers and your family is behind you.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

I never had a problem with it and mostly kept quiet because of my family. They would have to deal with others knowing. Now that my children have all grown and flown and my wife had left me some years ago, it's even less of an issue. However, I don't wear a placard proclaiming I'm TG or a CDer or put an ad on TV about it. It's my business really but as far as being afraid at this stage of the game--Nope!. Being retired and independent, there is not much more they can do to me at this point, so my "secret" sharing is on a "need to know" basis.:)

[SallyS]

The older I get the less I care what people think?

Being in my mid 40's I've come to realise that THIS is the time to find your true-self. Kids are growing up, and family moves on. I'm no longer going to worry about the 'what if's'. Pretty soon I will be in a situation where I can be female 70% of the time, and I'm going to embrace it until I'm too old to pull up my tights:D

BUT just for now it's baby steps, to protect my younger children from any potential bullying and teasing they might get?...that's got be the sensible choice for now!

[linda allen]

If being know as a crossdresser is not a problem for you, go for it. You can come up with dozens of reasons to convince yourself that it doesn't matter.

Others of us are in different situations. Being known as a crossdresser could hurt our wives, children and families. It could cost us friends, career opportunities, and respect in the community.

The reality for most of us is that it does matter and it matters a whole lot. That's why we take the steps we do to keep it under cover.

[Jackie7]

I can speak to this from personal experience, having been outed in 2000 after 30 years of DADT in my then marriage. here is what happened to me.

Friends. You lose some, you make new ones. The best friends stayed with me.

Neighbors. The guy next door stopped borrowing my power tools. The lesbian couple on the other side began inviting me to their parties.

Children. Of my three, one stopped speaking to me for three years, one continued as if nothing had happened as from her perspective it hadn't, and one bought me a pretty scarf for Xmas. We're all ok now, though I don't dress around my grandchildren.

Marriage. My exwife is the one who outed me. Several years of trying to work it out, then divorce. It was expensive and painful, but now I have a new wife who accepts me, approves of me, and encourages me.

Work. I was outed in business but did not lose any clients nor any employees over it, i never tried to dress for work though I know my photos were around and occasionally my nails were done during the workday. In 2008 I took a new job and the company offered to support me through a transition, I declined as that is not my path.

On balance I wish I had had the courage to come out years before I was outed. I have gained so much more than I lost. YMMV.

[Lynn Marie]

I'm not out to all my acquaintances, but my close friends are all CDs now. And we are so much closer than I've ever been with anyone else. I understand sexuality better than I ever did, and my life is better than it ever was. I like what Jackie said, "I have gained so much more than I lost".

[kimdl93]

In some parts of my life, being out is as easy as breathing. For other parts, a smaller number these days, there may still be some economic or relationship risks. I live a balancing act between these, although the balance point has shifted decidedly.

[Ressie]

Everyone's answer is different and predictable because 'outed' threads are redundant. A lot depends one how often one desires to dress in public. If outing yourself at work isn't gonna work isn't there still the possibility of running into a coworker somewhere else while you're dressed? But then again, maybe a better job is out there for a cross dresser.

[thisgal16]

For me being outed to friends and family would probably be a relief and stressful at the same time, due to most of my friends and family being extremely conservative. Now as far as work goes it would be terrible due to the fact that I work in a field that is prominently male and most at homophobic. If I'm out and about and someone outs me that I don't know then it is really not a big deal to me as long as they don't say anything to or about my wife.

[Judith96a]

At work there's a strict policy about LGBT sensitivity.

There may well be, but no policy can dictate what people think of you. Where I work we have pretty tough anti-discrimination legislation and I see three types of reaction to it (I'm not specifically referring to LGBT-related discrimination):-

There are those who abide by both the letter and the spirit of "the rules" and try to "do the right thing"
There are those who say "f**k the rules, nobody's gonna mess with me"
And there are those who take notes, of everything, in any and every situation, and then try to use those notes (either the contents thereof or simply the fact of their existence) to coerce others into doing what they want (which isn't necessarily to give them money).
I don't want to become the target of either the second or third type!


Just a note here. I my own situation, I would never come out where I work. I deal with major safety and ROI issues on a daily basis and deal with people on a level that you can't imagine. There have been times that I've had the attention of extremely infuential people, that control a major portion of the strip, in silent eye contact awaiting my professional assessment. Pretty heavy. My appearance and dircect decisive demeanor is a professional asset that can't be compromised by a coworker's inability to accept my proclivity.


I've nothing like your sphere of influence but nevertheless my reputation is also a professional asset that can't be compromised by a coworker's silent sniggering.

I suspect that you've actually answered your own question!

All the best Carla.
Take care
Judy

[linda allen]

One can be "out" without being "outed". Make sure your presentation hides your male self well. Don't be seen leaving or returning to your home crossdressed. If you have an easily recognized vehicle, don't drive in it dressed. Stay away from where you might encounter people who know you. This may mean going to another town or part of your city.

As much as I would like to go out dressed with my wife, that would be a dead giveaway. People might not recognize me but they would recognize her.

[UNDERDRESSER]

but all of a sudden you will have performance problems or the job did not fit you or some other PRETEXT.

MANY PEOPLE DO NOT WANT CD'S WORKING AT THERE COMPANY even if there are laws that protect them and they will make a legal excuse to screen or filter you out.

This is true for many people, sadly. I am virtually certain that this wouldn't happen to me. I think the worst would be if I insisted, on wearing a skirt, or similar, and there was too much static from customers. In that case, I could see them asking me to consider a back room job.
In some parts of my life, being out is as easy as breathing. Yup, being around my GF is like that, I love this girl so. It's been like that since the moment I told her. It's led to a couple of hysterically funny moments...:D

[Cheryl T]

If I was outed it would bother me most if my nephew and niece turned away. Aside from relatives I could not really care if someone found out. Might even make things a bit easier having them know and not hiding from them as I used to hide from myself and my wife.

[Lorileah]

I am wondering, those who fear their children's reaction, is it because you didn't educate them to be sensitive, open, tolerant, kind?

The ages say 2-5 if you exposed your "proclivity" as someone said to them, they would not know the difference. They would accept it as "normal" with little explanation (assuming once again you didn't reinforce gender stereotypes on them with pink and blue or cars/dolls). Now when they go to school, they will have to start filtering the biases of classmates, but that is something you can help teach early on too. Then the teens, they "know" all about gender variation, they have been exposed to it in many ways. If they are intolerant in any way, then you will have failed in raising children who are open, tolerant, kind (see above) which should be part of parenting. Often when this happens it is because someone in the family is intolerant of something (maybe a look in the mirror). I had to unlearn this behavior when I was a teen (yes it is taught...no one is prejudiced a birth).

I think you would have more control of what you immediate family thinks than you do over what society thinks. And if society can turn the other cheek, you would think that family would learn to do the same. You just have to start early on the kids to let them see they can be independent thinkers.

[PretzelGirl]

A question that is different for all. I believe in just making your choice and owning it. If you treat people well and are engaging and pleasant with people, I believe most will accept you. If you tend to be quiet and sneak around the walls or are beligerent with people, then will likely be quicker to judge you as they don't know you or your bad attitude gives them a reason to feel that way. I believe you get what you give in life. So I go out. I try and treat people the way I want to be treated no matter what way I am presenting.

[ReineD]

This guy in a dress is a model citizen by every honest description and I'm caring less everyday about what anyone has to say about my gender experiences.

What you say?

If it's just going out in public, I agree. My SO and I have been going out for years in the mainstream. Some people don't bat an eye, and those that do have the grace to keep their opinions to themselves.

But there are some people that we don't want to tell. My father. His parents, sister, and nieces. My kids. His peers and students. And some of our more conservative friends who would likely not want to do things with us anymore. One of my friends (I told her with my SO's permission) doesn't want to see my SO dressed.

People can say "Well if your friends won't support you, drop them it's their loss", but I disagree. The crossdressing isn't in the mainstream enough to expect people to embrace it with open arms, especially people who are closer than arm's length. I wouldn't like to stop being invited to this dinner or that party, or have our friends politely decline invitations to go out with us. If my SO were TS then there'd be no choice but to come out, but s/he isn't. And so we don't, except out in the mainstream to strangers in the next town over, and to our more accepting friends who are in the LGBTQ community.


I am wondering, those who fear their children's reaction, is it because you didn't educate them to be sensitive, open, tolerant, kind?

I did raise my kids to be open-minded. But something weird happens once they're in middle school. Peer pressure. Kids are not only taught by their parents, they absorb the same social norms and cues as everyone else. They may be polite enough to never say anything bad to me or my SO, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that one or two of my sons would feel uncomfortable enough to stop coming over as often.

[Tracii G]

I'm sure I would lose a few friends if I came out so its on a need to know basis.
My daughters are grown and out on their own married etc.I know one would disown me and start a shit storm but the other one has lots of TG/gay friends and I think she would be fine with knowing.
I don't want to come out to either because they are really close and I don't want to cause a rift between them.
2 of my older brothers would freak out but my gay brother would totally get it.
So if I come out to one then all will know and I really don't want to upset their lives.
So there is my reason for a need to know basis.