Staci K
11-12-2013, 08:42 PM
Hello everyone,
Some of you may have known me on the forums as Nicole Stevens. I’ve been around here and there for about 5 years now.
Up until recently, I’ve always considered myself a CD. Although, I’ve known deep down that I needed to transition for a long time, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that.
Well, recently my life has changed. My wife & I ended our 21 year marriage. Thankfully, we’re not the least bit bitter. We’re still best of friends, we visit often, and we still have each others’ back. But when we’re under the same roof wanting to take our lives in different directions we’re both miserable.
Now at the age of 41 – first time in my life since I went from my parents’ to married life – I find myself alone. It’s amazing how much thinking of one’s life one can do when they have nothing but free time around work. My thoughts while alone have taken me down some very delightful roads, as well as, my thoughts while alone have taken me down some very frightful roads.
In my thinking, I can pin-point tell-tale signs that I’ve needed to transition. I’d think of hooking up with another woman, however, I am able to truthfully see that eventually it’ll end the same as my marriage – my outcomes have always lead me to the conclusion that one can not live vicariously through another. Then I looked ahead in my life 5 years if I was to transition (my thinking is in 5 years I should be able to fully transition and be living as a woman), I couldn’t believe the overwhelming sense of happiness and joy that washed over me when thinking of being a woman.
So, since I’m at a point in my life that I’m not having to live for anyone but myself – I think its time I quit denying myself happiness and start the road to transitioning.
I’ve been quit a bit of researching already, as well as, planning. I read that if overweight, get yourself back in shape before starting HRT – once on HRT since you lose muscle mass, it’s harder to lose the weight. So I’m planning on taking a year just to focus my efforts on getting myself back in shape – additionally, in taking the year to focus on my physical conditions, it gives me a year to clean up my financial woes.
I work in the medical insurance industry. I have a great job that I telecommute from my home office – I haven’t left home for a day of work in 5 years. Although it’s still early, I intend on legally changing my name to Stacy Txxxx just after the first of the year. My thought process is Stacy is a unisex name. Since I’m going through a divorce, I can play the name change off as wiping my slate clean to escape family and disappear. I could then transition while keeping my work at home job and nobody is the wiser – 90 percent of my co-workers live in a different state, and the other 10 percent live in the same state but no where near me. I figure by using a gender neutral name that I like, I wouldn’t have to come out and raise attention to myself until the transition is complete. Unlike if I was to if I was to change my name to Nicole and have to have a phone meeting with a group or client with a male voice still – could you just imagine??? I don’t know what some clients would think, but it’s not a bridge I want to cross.
I do have many valid concerns going down the road to transition. I’ve seen some that have successfully transitioned and now are absolutely beautiful women enjoying their lives. I’ve also seen others that have basically destroyed their lives – now living with daunting stares and reduced to practically empty shells of their former selves.
I want to find a therapist that can help – I can find many that deal with gender identity issues – but their credentials seem to be as varied as colors in the rainbow. I don’t want to empty my soul and my wallet out expecting to get a letter to proceed, only to get “Sorry, I don’t have the credential to write such a letter. Let me refer you to XXXXX” and then have to start all over.
Additionally, since I work in the medical insurance industry (my employer is my insurance company) I know gender disorders/treatments are a contract exclusion on my coverage (generally most coverages exclude gender disorders). The last thing I want is a provider to bill my insurance/employer with a diagnosis of depression and later when I come out have my employer review my claims and think I unethically had providers fraudulently bill to use my benefits. I would really rather just pay for things out of my pocket as if I have no coverage.
That brings me to coming to you all for advice or suggestions on proceeding. I want to proceed, but I don’t want to end up an empty shell of the self I’m leaving behind.
Sorry it was kind of lengthy – thank you in advance for all your input.
Stacy :)
PS. Coincidentally, after I decided to use the name Stacy going forward I thought I’d look it up to see the meaning. I even more comfort in using the name when I learned its meaning to be “Stacy derives from the name Anastasia that in Greek means ‘resurrection’” Very fitting I thought.
Some of you may have known me on the forums as Nicole Stevens. I’ve been around here and there for about 5 years now.
Up until recently, I’ve always considered myself a CD. Although, I’ve known deep down that I needed to transition for a long time, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that.
Well, recently my life has changed. My wife & I ended our 21 year marriage. Thankfully, we’re not the least bit bitter. We’re still best of friends, we visit often, and we still have each others’ back. But when we’re under the same roof wanting to take our lives in different directions we’re both miserable.
Now at the age of 41 – first time in my life since I went from my parents’ to married life – I find myself alone. It’s amazing how much thinking of one’s life one can do when they have nothing but free time around work. My thoughts while alone have taken me down some very delightful roads, as well as, my thoughts while alone have taken me down some very frightful roads.
In my thinking, I can pin-point tell-tale signs that I’ve needed to transition. I’d think of hooking up with another woman, however, I am able to truthfully see that eventually it’ll end the same as my marriage – my outcomes have always lead me to the conclusion that one can not live vicariously through another. Then I looked ahead in my life 5 years if I was to transition (my thinking is in 5 years I should be able to fully transition and be living as a woman), I couldn’t believe the overwhelming sense of happiness and joy that washed over me when thinking of being a woman.
So, since I’m at a point in my life that I’m not having to live for anyone but myself – I think its time I quit denying myself happiness and start the road to transitioning.
I’ve been quit a bit of researching already, as well as, planning. I read that if overweight, get yourself back in shape before starting HRT – once on HRT since you lose muscle mass, it’s harder to lose the weight. So I’m planning on taking a year just to focus my efforts on getting myself back in shape – additionally, in taking the year to focus on my physical conditions, it gives me a year to clean up my financial woes.
I work in the medical insurance industry. I have a great job that I telecommute from my home office – I haven’t left home for a day of work in 5 years. Although it’s still early, I intend on legally changing my name to Stacy Txxxx just after the first of the year. My thought process is Stacy is a unisex name. Since I’m going through a divorce, I can play the name change off as wiping my slate clean to escape family and disappear. I could then transition while keeping my work at home job and nobody is the wiser – 90 percent of my co-workers live in a different state, and the other 10 percent live in the same state but no where near me. I figure by using a gender neutral name that I like, I wouldn’t have to come out and raise attention to myself until the transition is complete. Unlike if I was to if I was to change my name to Nicole and have to have a phone meeting with a group or client with a male voice still – could you just imagine??? I don’t know what some clients would think, but it’s not a bridge I want to cross.
I do have many valid concerns going down the road to transition. I’ve seen some that have successfully transitioned and now are absolutely beautiful women enjoying their lives. I’ve also seen others that have basically destroyed their lives – now living with daunting stares and reduced to practically empty shells of their former selves.
I want to find a therapist that can help – I can find many that deal with gender identity issues – but their credentials seem to be as varied as colors in the rainbow. I don’t want to empty my soul and my wallet out expecting to get a letter to proceed, only to get “Sorry, I don’t have the credential to write such a letter. Let me refer you to XXXXX” and then have to start all over.
Additionally, since I work in the medical insurance industry (my employer is my insurance company) I know gender disorders/treatments are a contract exclusion on my coverage (generally most coverages exclude gender disorders). The last thing I want is a provider to bill my insurance/employer with a diagnosis of depression and later when I come out have my employer review my claims and think I unethically had providers fraudulently bill to use my benefits. I would really rather just pay for things out of my pocket as if I have no coverage.
That brings me to coming to you all for advice or suggestions on proceeding. I want to proceed, but I don’t want to end up an empty shell of the self I’m leaving behind.
Sorry it was kind of lengthy – thank you in advance for all your input.
Stacy :)
PS. Coincidentally, after I decided to use the name Stacy going forward I thought I’d look it up to see the meaning. I even more comfort in using the name when I learned its meaning to be “Stacy derives from the name Anastasia that in Greek means ‘resurrection’” Very fitting I thought.