Older and bolder or setting myself up for a fall

[Danni Renee]

Sort of a ramble and jumble of thoughts.....

I am starting to finally getting back into the swing of things after my 9 month vacation. I am still unpacking because I travel every weekend. The funny thing is all of my female clothes are unpacked, cleaned, and hung in the closet. 90% of my male clothes are still packed - it appears I do not have a need for them ;)

I am not sure that is true but I am becoming a lot more comfortable with myself than I have been in the past. I have replaced all my guy jeans with girl jeans and I wear them all the time (the last time I wore my guy jeans it lasted about two hours, or long enough for me to wash and dry my girl jeans). I used to wear longer guy shirts to cover my girl jeans when I wore them out so it would not be so obvious but now I am even changing that, wearing shirts that no longer hide the designs or shapes of the pockets. Granted, I do not wear my sparkle jeans out yet but I am getting there but it is pretty obvious the jeans I wear are not guy jeans.

So now I am dressing and going out all the time. Typically the only "male" clothing I wear is my shirt, and even those are pink, purple, or at least as androgynous as I can get them. Today I did not even wear a guy shirt to grocery shop; I wore a light purple sweatshirt with butterflies on it (and a jacket on top - it is cold and I am not completely ready to step out).

I proudly carry a blue wristlet with a Tinker Bell key chain attached - no more wallet. My keys and key chain are the way I have always wanted them and I have been complemented on them a few times by GGs when they see them (though maybe they are mocking).

While I am feeling more comfortable with myself I wonder if I am setting myself up for a nasty fall later. I still get so nervous when I am out that someone will say something to me and I am nervous both to how I will respond and the impact it will have on my confidence. Although I have told my mother about my dressing (and received her support) the rest of my family does not know. My sister and her husband and son are coming to visit me in January and I am so nervous as my house is clearly decorated in a feminine style and is well maintained. I feel like it is a looming decision point to come out to more family or go back into the closet, redecorate the house, and hope nobody sees anything awkward.

I am so tired of hiding but so nervous about coming out.

Danni

[Beverley Sims]

Your family is not that likely to take notice of your decor, they may be suspicious of who the bird is you are shacked up with if they see her makeup on the dresser.
They will just think you are El Neato otherwise. :)

[Cynthia Anne]

Hi Danni Renee! Perhaps it's time to just please yourself! It will keep eating at you until you decide to open up and be honest with everyone! Hoping the best for you!

[Rachelakld]

My sister, her hubby and their 2 kids are happy that I can dress the way I want. My wife and my kids are also happy for me.

[jenni_xx]

Did anyone ever overcome their nerves by shying away from the thing that made them nervous?

The answer is no.

And what happened to those who faced their nerves? The experience itself was never nearly as bad as how the nerves beforehand made them feel.

Just grow a pair and get out and do what it is you want to do. The only thing that is stopping you is yourself and your own insecurities. If you are so tired of hiding, then stop hiding. You will feel nervous about coming out, but if you do come out, you will at least be able to look yourself in the eye and say that, irrespective of what anyone else says, you are being honest and truthful to yourself. And that is the most important thing.

[kimdl93]

You've kinda set the wheels in motion. I realize you're nervous about your sister's family and their response, but its probably time to get that behind you. Perhaps you can enlist Mom's assistance in bringing your sister up to speed.

As far as setting yourself up for a fall...yeah, you will experience a fall of one kind or another. We all do. Then you pick yourself up and get on with life. It seems you have made a decision, now the more difficult part is actually living in accordance with your choice.

[Kandy Barr]

Hi hon, its been my experience that the ones who love you will accept you, the others never loved you in the first place. Hard as that may seem its the truth. We are who we are and there's little we can do to deny that. Be yourself as no one has to live your life but you.

[Danni Renee]

I put some additional thought into my issues today. I feel very ready to come out and tell everyone and I think that is one of the reasons I am anxious about my sister and family coming down. I want to come out completely and I see this as a forcing function (I did invite her after all). I am less nervous about my sister than I am my brother-in-law and nephew. I am not sure why as they are a very liberal family and I do not think it will matter to them (my other sister is another story but no invitation for her yet ;)). I think it is more the idea of coming out to males that bothers me and I am not sure why. Or maybe I know exactly why - fear of being picked on, labeled, etc. and I am not emotionally prepared to handle it (even if it is unlikely).

Danni