got a negitve vibe at the market with my SO, nervious now.

[mykell]

was at the food store with the SO made a comment about j travolta divorce,
not so sure "to tell the truth"
she declared that wearing women's clothes was not cool.

[Allison_Leslie]

Your SO said this?

[mykell]

yes, said she would want a divorce for that reason,
married in '92 think its strong!

[Rachelakld]

My ex SO wore drab jeans and top for over 12 years, 6am until 11pm. I didn't leave her because of her cross dressing ( someone said it was okay for girls to dress butch). I left her because of her not giving a S--t attitude about anyone except herself and her temper

[kimdl93]

This is a bit unclear. Did she see this on a news stand? Does she know you dress?

[jenni_xx]

My ex SO wore drab jeans and top for over 12 years, 6am until 11pm. I didn't leave her because of her cross dressing ( someone said it was okay for girls to dress butch). I left her because of her not giving a S--t attitude about anyone except herself and her temper

Your wife was a crossdresser? Who was this someone who told you that?

[mykell]

there was article about john travoltas wife divorcing him, my SO said i don't blame her, hes wearing women's clothes, id divorce him too. no she doesnt know.
i just joined and was doing lots of reading and hoping one day to work up the courage.

[kimdl93]

Mr travolta certainly had many more issues than his occasional choice of attire. But perhaps that's the way yur wife understood the matter. Good luck!

[Beverley Sims]

Mikell,
Just play that comment cool for a while, you may have a difficult road ahead.

Hmmm!
John Travolta Flying his plane pretty.
Now there is a different spin on the phrase.:)

[DebbieL]

The Trivolta situation has many dimensions. He was a cross-dresser, but he was also arrogant, emotionally abusive, sexist, and a sexual predator.

I'm not that surprised that Trivolta was a cross-dresser. In Saturday Night Fever, he introduced us to tight silky shirts, skin tight pants, and platform shoes with heels. Women thought he was sexy, and thought the same of men who could carry off that look. I wore things like that, but everybody assumed that I was gay. I was too effeminate in other ways. One of my biggest frustrations growing up is that everybody assumed that I was gay (had the hots for boys) even though I showed zero interest in the sexually, and had no CLUE of what a transsexual was, let alone that I could be one. They didn't even ask me if I was a transvestite (I would have said yes). Of course, I had none of those distinction either. I just knew I wanted a girl and when I started turning into a hairy ugly man, I wanted it to stop.

You may have a very serious problem. If you have insisted on being the dominant partner, macho, the "Alpha Male", a "Man's Man", then telling her that you are a cross-dresser would make everything you've done to pretend to be a man appear to be a lie. She would feel totally betrayed.

On the other hand, if you have been more submissive (to her), you like to go shopping with her, help with the housework, and watch romances and romantic comedies with her, then she would have suspected all along, but doesn't want to threaten your vulnerable ego. Even telling you that it wasn't cool would have been an attempt to validate your choice not to tell her.

You've been together over 20 years. She probably WOULDN'T just divorce you solely on the basis of you wearing women's clothing, but she might not be thrilled about it. Who have you been for the last 20 years? Has she talked about divorce before? Do you express your love for each other on a regular basis? Do you let her see your feminine side in other ways?

The problem, at this point, is that she will wonder why you have kept this a secret for 20 years? What else have you kept secret?

[mykell]

i help with housework, she doesn't like to shop, ill cry at a movie, i have a heart, otherwise ive been an open book, never any talk about divorce before unless i cheated, which i have not and was in jest.
love to share with the girls here , its fun, ill just keep it quite for now, closet door is opening slowly now, im sharing here right.
was caught when i was younger, lost many friends, guilt by association i suppose and i got that, it was different back then, just considered them cowards and moved on. the rumor mill is always on, cousin, sister, high school friend, thought she had known and showed her disapproval by making fun, eli manning missing a pass because he was wearing his tutu, or making fun of a guys eyebrows, whose he kidding ect....
hey enough about me. thanks for being here and the support.

mikell

[thechic]

Yep I think you detecting a negative vibe about crossdressing from her is correct, better play safe. I did read the story about j Travolta.

[Eryn]

An offhand comment about a has-been celebrity on a tabloid cover is likely to be far different from her thoughts about someone she cares about.

Most people tend to be pretty free in their negative comments about CDers, particularly when they are not informed about the true nature of CDing. Her image of Travolta is probably of a self-indulgent egotist abusing his wife with his weird tendencies. Of course she would recommend divorce, since Hollywood couples keep divorce attorneys on speed-dial anyway.

Her attitude toward you will probably be considerably more tolerant since she knows you are a good person. Still, be prepared to educate her in the truth about CDing when you broach the subject with her.

[Tracee-Anderson]

Very new here but have a very supportive wife. Sorry for you. I'm hoping that your SO's comment was made from a perspective of ignorance and that if it came to potentially losing you, it would be different.

[mary something]

tread carefully and don't talk about travolta again, you don't want her to think of him first if this topic comes up again.

[Ressie]

I can understand that she believes CDing isn't cool. But I'm certain she has no idea why men cross dress . She probably has zero knowlegde of anything transgender. The only way to educate her is to out yourself. And only you can decide if that's a good or bad idea. Doesn't sound good though!

[Marcelle]

Hi Mikell,

You may be sensing a negative vibe but I have to agree with Eryn on this on that what people say is not always what they mean. Now I am not saying for a minute that your SO will be cool with your CDing should she find out. What she is saying may be predicated on not knowing what CDing is and what TG means. I remember a couple of off handed comments from my wife about CDing before I came out to her. When I came out to my wife, she did remember those comments and said she hoped she did not insult me as she didn't think anything about them. She has been very supportive of me but then again we have history and know each other to be good people.

Remember, we are not very mainstream and odd/non politically correct statements may not be seen as hurtful by some but it doesn't necessarily mean that they will hate CDers. One of my best friends who I recently came out would often make jokes about CDers. When I came out to him, he also said, I hope you did not think I was being rude, I just thought of them as jokes until but now I know there are real people we attached to those jokes.

Yes, you will most likely have some educating to do should you choose to come out to your SO but then again, that is part of the process. We tend to be nervous and make jokes/off handed comments about things we don't truly understand. However, I would go slowly and when you are ready (and only you will know when that is) take a deep breath and move forward.

Hugs

Isha

[mykell]

thanks everyone for all the positive replies
they have been very helpful, i plan to fess up in January after the stress of the holidays wanes,
don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas and new years,
but hopefully their will be a new normal for valentines day !!!

[Jenniferathome]

"John Travolta" is a thing, not her husband. It's easy to make rash and seemingly final comments about that which we know is not something we will have to experience. It's like saying, "I'd kill him." Few of us do.

[Anna Abwaerts]

I have seen this somewhere mentioned - about him and dressing. They act like its a big deal and finding of a secret. Just check this movie, its old news, 2007. Why make it a fuss now?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427327/

[Sporco]

Mikell... Be careful with your plan. Are you prepared to permanently damage your marriage to her or lose it all together?

I was married to a girl that had a similar attitude. After she found out her unwavering position was "I need a real man, not some girlie man", "how could you lie to me about something like this for all those years?" and "even if you're not in those clothes, I can't see you in anything else". Once she found out it was always in the back of her mind. She tried to figure out a way to deal with it but was unable to. I don't blame her. It was the way she was built. She was revolted by the very thought of guys in drag in any form.

The moment she found out was the end of our marriage. Everything was different after that. It took a couple of years to end, but that was the defining moment.

I hope things work out for the best for you...

[Jenniferathome]

Mikell, coming out to your wife has it's risks, but equal in risk is hiding. WHEN you get caught, it is worse, way worse. Do a simple search on " getting caught" or "wife finding out" and in particular, note what the real women have to write. It is the hiding and lying that is perceived as the worst offense. Coming out is at least honest, even if delayed by years. Discovery is far more shocking. Most importantly, remember that there is more to any marriage than cross dressing.

[mykell]

Mikell... Be careful with your plan. Are you prepared to permanently damage your marriage to her or lose it all together?

I was married to a girl that had a similar attitude. After she found out her unwavering position was "I need a real man, not some girlie man", "how could you lie to me about something like this for all those years?" and "even if you're not in those clothes, I can't see you in anything else". Once she found out it was always in the back of her mind. She tried to figure out a way to deal with it but was unable to. I don't blame her. It was the way she was built. She was revolted by the very thought of guys in drag in any form.

The moment she found out was the end of our marriage. Everything was different after that. It took a couple of years to end, but that was the defining moment.

I hope things work out for the best for you...

i am grateful to be here and be able to get the advice either good or bad and hope i have a favorable outcome.
30+ years living with the self loathing, purge, the thoughts associated with the self loathing, purge again, ive finally come to accept this is who i am, but at the end of the day am am still the man she married and know that she likes to play with my chest hair or strut around like a macho doffous and cant change all the features like some here have and i may enjoy.
so i may not have shaved legs, painted nails or cleavage at the end of the day i know i still want to dress-up and feel like a girl.
hoping she accepts that i want to be her husband and her girl "friend".
in a perfect world i will be having a makeover with her !!

[Heather25]

Mikell - I wish you all the best of luck but warn you to think through your actions very carefully. Maybe seek some help before making any decisions or reveals.

I am currently living through the mess of telling my wife and it isn't pretty. Like yours my wife made many off hand comments over the years that made me very wary of telling her. I finally couldn't stand it any more, and she was beginning to feel that something was wrong so I told her a bit more than a month ago. Needless to say it was not well received and I cannot see how I can avoid a divorce now. It certainly isn't what I want but I'm not the only one that gets to make that call.

If you can I'd strongly recommend going to see a therapist who is familiar with CD and TS/TG issues and get a better handle on yourself and then figure out what to do. Like others have said though you certainly don't want to let her find out accidentally.

Best of luck to you.

Heather