AlexisRaeMoon
11-13-2013, 12:09 AM
Hi everybody,
So I haven't been on here for awhile. I started a thread earlier this fall about the "statue of limitations" I felt might exist for a closeted-crossdresser to dress on Halloween without raising suspicion. Thanks to all the great advice (and my friend who came with the idea that I should go as Lady Gaga...), I decided to do it this year. As much fun as it was, I've been plagued by roller coasters emotions in the aftermath. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I think the intense amount of stress/excitement leading up the party (which was actually before Halloween) just took it's toll. So, I need to get it off my chest.
Full disclosure: my wife does not know that I would actually consider myself a crossdresser. This is now the third time I've crossdressed with her full knowledge, but it's always been under some guise (Halloween, practical joke, etc.), but each time I've gone to extremes. This time was going to be the most extreme. But as I mentioned in the other thread, her only reaction to my decision to be Lady Gaga was, "You always want to be the woman." And then she rolled over and went to sleep.
The first time I dressed for a Halloween party, it was a last-minute decision. This time, I had weeks to plan. I picked up an official Lady Gaga costume (that was on clearance!), that was a tight, skimpy, sparkly black dress that went over just one shoulder. This would require lots of hair removal - chest, armpits, legs. More than I had ever done before. I began obsessing over the costume. I went out and bought my own makeup. And I decided to get my own shoes. I can squeeze into my wife's, and she has some boots that might've worked, but I was going all out this time. So I found the cutest pair of stiletto "shooties" that I could not pass up. But I stuck them in the closet for a week, too afraid that if I showed them to her she'd freak out and forbid me to wear them!
So this whole time, I'm just freaking out, yet really, stupidly excited. Yet my wife is so awesome about how much she took all this in stride. For example, I knew I needed fishnet tights, and that she had some. I stressed for days about asking if I could borrow them, and when I finally did, she was just like, "oh yeah, here they are. Hope there's no holes." And the night before, I finally got up the nerve to tell her I bought my own heels for the costume, fully expecting to get "Oh my god! You did what? You're nuts!" And instead she was just like, "oh ok." Didn't even ask to see them...didn't even seem surprised that I had the nerve to go to the store by myself to purchase a pair of women's shoes, for myself.
The big day arrived, and I spent a good two hours getting ready. The hair removal alone was tedious. But as all the hair came off my legs and I saw them totally smooth for the first time in ages, it was an amazing feeling. (Note to self: never, ever, ever, use Nair on your chest. Bad news). I finally got all my makeup on, pulled on the costume and the wig, and screwed up the courage to ask to borrow a strapless bra. (Again, something I had been stressing about for weeks). She just said, "You know where I keep my bras." I was like, "well, I figured I should ask first." The final piece was revealing the shoes. She still hadn't seen them yet. I put them on and stepped out. This was the totality of the reaction. "Oh, brother."
Needless to say, I was a big hit at the party. Even days after, people were like, "that costume was f--ing amazing." Now, nobody mistook me for a girl, but I got several compliments on how good I looked. I even overheard my wife and one of her friends talking about my legs ("look at his calfs!"). Another woman said to me, "there aren't many men who could pull off wearing a dress like that, but you are really pulling it off well!" (To which my wife replied, "don't encourage him.") I danced, drank, even had to do a little lip-syncing to when a Lady Gaga song came on. And I wore those damn shoes all night. I never get to wear heels that much, and I was determined to take advantage of it!
All good, yes? Fun party, wife didn't freak out at my obviously over the top costume, everything hunky-dory. Well, the next morning I woke up and had a complete mental snap. I was depressed, and nervous. I was freaked out that my kids would notice my hairless body and get weirded out. And I was in bad shape from the Nair. I repeat: never use it on your chest. It felt like I had bad sunburn. It looked like I had tiny cuts all over the place. It felt like I had mutilated myself. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, even little disgusted. Like I had taken it too far. I could understand feeling that way if my wife had said anything to that effect. But she was acting totally normal. She was not embarrassed by me in the least bit. It was all in my head. As we were lying in bed that night, I was literally shaking. I finally had to say something, and I just stammered out that I felt like I was having a panic attack, because of how far to the extreme I went with this costume. She just said, that didn't seem like a reason to have a panic attack, and went to sleep. The next morning, before I left for work, she gave me an extra big hug and a squeeze. She didn't say anything, but it felt like encouragement.
I didn't know what to do to feel better, but I needed to try something, so you guessed it: purge. Luckily, I don't have much, so it's not a big financial thing. But this time all the online stuff went anyway: Flickr, old-email account, Taaz profile - everything but this account (and only because I couldn't figure out how to delete it!). But I'm glad I'm still on here, because I realize how valuable it is. But it really didn't make me feel any better. I should clarify that I didn't purge everything - only things my wife doesn't know about. So I still have the cute heels, and the makeup, because I'm not hiding anything with that. She knows I have it.
The next time I was alone, I realized, I've never been this hairless before, and this may be my only opportunity to wear whatever I want without worrying about unladylike hair showing up. So, I shaved once more, and had an amazing session. I know I broke the cardinal rule of borrowing the SO's clothes without asking, but we're the same size, and the temptation was too great. Luckily, I only wear each thing for about 15 minutes, enough to take a few pics, and then it's back in the closet (I know, I'm justifying). I keep telling myself, "bucket list. Do this while you can, and then stop." But we all know how that ends...
So I'm once again back in the cycle of, "ok, tonight, I'm going to tell her," and then chickening out every time. The kicker is, based on the whole Halloween experience this year, is she's obviously not revolted by crossdressing. I mean, I know it's a different thing when your husband actually admits he likes dressing like a woman, but based on how carried away I got this time, it couldn't be a complete surprise, right?
On the other hand, she did say at one point, "you should've left the hairy chest. It would've been funnier." Which sort of tells me that she really doesn't get it. I was trying to be as feminine as possible! And last week she said to some friends of ours, when they were discussing their costumes for next year already, "my goal is that he doesn't need to borrow anything from me." But that was by way of bringing up what I was this year, because they didn't know, and showing pictures, etc.
Just this past weekend, my wife and I were in a show together that required makeup, and as the makeup person was applying my lipstick (long story), she said, "Is it weird that you and your wife are wearing the same shade of lipstick?" To which she replied. "Eh, we wear the same size anyway. Same size shoes, same size bra." I know she was just being funny, but she didn't have to say anything at all. Sometimes I think it would be easier I knew she was one of these that's just absolutely revolted by crossdressing, and then I would at least know that there's no hope of acceptance. Instead, I feel like there's a good chance it might be ok, but you never know, right? What if I'm just projecting?
Sorry again for the long post, I just really needed to get these thoughts out. In summary, Halloween was great, but I'm bummed by the fact that I had such a bad meltdown the day after. I should've been basking in the glow of my triumph!
Feeling confused...:sad:
So I haven't been on here for awhile. I started a thread earlier this fall about the "statue of limitations" I felt might exist for a closeted-crossdresser to dress on Halloween without raising suspicion. Thanks to all the great advice (and my friend who came with the idea that I should go as Lady Gaga...), I decided to do it this year. As much fun as it was, I've been plagued by roller coasters emotions in the aftermath. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I think the intense amount of stress/excitement leading up the party (which was actually before Halloween) just took it's toll. So, I need to get it off my chest.
Full disclosure: my wife does not know that I would actually consider myself a crossdresser. This is now the third time I've crossdressed with her full knowledge, but it's always been under some guise (Halloween, practical joke, etc.), but each time I've gone to extremes. This time was going to be the most extreme. But as I mentioned in the other thread, her only reaction to my decision to be Lady Gaga was, "You always want to be the woman." And then she rolled over and went to sleep.
The first time I dressed for a Halloween party, it was a last-minute decision. This time, I had weeks to plan. I picked up an official Lady Gaga costume (that was on clearance!), that was a tight, skimpy, sparkly black dress that went over just one shoulder. This would require lots of hair removal - chest, armpits, legs. More than I had ever done before. I began obsessing over the costume. I went out and bought my own makeup. And I decided to get my own shoes. I can squeeze into my wife's, and she has some boots that might've worked, but I was going all out this time. So I found the cutest pair of stiletto "shooties" that I could not pass up. But I stuck them in the closet for a week, too afraid that if I showed them to her she'd freak out and forbid me to wear them!
So this whole time, I'm just freaking out, yet really, stupidly excited. Yet my wife is so awesome about how much she took all this in stride. For example, I knew I needed fishnet tights, and that she had some. I stressed for days about asking if I could borrow them, and when I finally did, she was just like, "oh yeah, here they are. Hope there's no holes." And the night before, I finally got up the nerve to tell her I bought my own heels for the costume, fully expecting to get "Oh my god! You did what? You're nuts!" And instead she was just like, "oh ok." Didn't even ask to see them...didn't even seem surprised that I had the nerve to go to the store by myself to purchase a pair of women's shoes, for myself.
The big day arrived, and I spent a good two hours getting ready. The hair removal alone was tedious. But as all the hair came off my legs and I saw them totally smooth for the first time in ages, it was an amazing feeling. (Note to self: never, ever, ever, use Nair on your chest. Bad news). I finally got all my makeup on, pulled on the costume and the wig, and screwed up the courage to ask to borrow a strapless bra. (Again, something I had been stressing about for weeks). She just said, "You know where I keep my bras." I was like, "well, I figured I should ask first." The final piece was revealing the shoes. She still hadn't seen them yet. I put them on and stepped out. This was the totality of the reaction. "Oh, brother."
Needless to say, I was a big hit at the party. Even days after, people were like, "that costume was f--ing amazing." Now, nobody mistook me for a girl, but I got several compliments on how good I looked. I even overheard my wife and one of her friends talking about my legs ("look at his calfs!"). Another woman said to me, "there aren't many men who could pull off wearing a dress like that, but you are really pulling it off well!" (To which my wife replied, "don't encourage him.") I danced, drank, even had to do a little lip-syncing to when a Lady Gaga song came on. And I wore those damn shoes all night. I never get to wear heels that much, and I was determined to take advantage of it!
All good, yes? Fun party, wife didn't freak out at my obviously over the top costume, everything hunky-dory. Well, the next morning I woke up and had a complete mental snap. I was depressed, and nervous. I was freaked out that my kids would notice my hairless body and get weirded out. And I was in bad shape from the Nair. I repeat: never use it on your chest. It felt like I had bad sunburn. It looked like I had tiny cuts all over the place. It felt like I had mutilated myself. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, even little disgusted. Like I had taken it too far. I could understand feeling that way if my wife had said anything to that effect. But she was acting totally normal. She was not embarrassed by me in the least bit. It was all in my head. As we were lying in bed that night, I was literally shaking. I finally had to say something, and I just stammered out that I felt like I was having a panic attack, because of how far to the extreme I went with this costume. She just said, that didn't seem like a reason to have a panic attack, and went to sleep. The next morning, before I left for work, she gave me an extra big hug and a squeeze. She didn't say anything, but it felt like encouragement.
I didn't know what to do to feel better, but I needed to try something, so you guessed it: purge. Luckily, I don't have much, so it's not a big financial thing. But this time all the online stuff went anyway: Flickr, old-email account, Taaz profile - everything but this account (and only because I couldn't figure out how to delete it!). But I'm glad I'm still on here, because I realize how valuable it is. But it really didn't make me feel any better. I should clarify that I didn't purge everything - only things my wife doesn't know about. So I still have the cute heels, and the makeup, because I'm not hiding anything with that. She knows I have it.
The next time I was alone, I realized, I've never been this hairless before, and this may be my only opportunity to wear whatever I want without worrying about unladylike hair showing up. So, I shaved once more, and had an amazing session. I know I broke the cardinal rule of borrowing the SO's clothes without asking, but we're the same size, and the temptation was too great. Luckily, I only wear each thing for about 15 minutes, enough to take a few pics, and then it's back in the closet (I know, I'm justifying). I keep telling myself, "bucket list. Do this while you can, and then stop." But we all know how that ends...
So I'm once again back in the cycle of, "ok, tonight, I'm going to tell her," and then chickening out every time. The kicker is, based on the whole Halloween experience this year, is she's obviously not revolted by crossdressing. I mean, I know it's a different thing when your husband actually admits he likes dressing like a woman, but based on how carried away I got this time, it couldn't be a complete surprise, right?
On the other hand, she did say at one point, "you should've left the hairy chest. It would've been funnier." Which sort of tells me that she really doesn't get it. I was trying to be as feminine as possible! And last week she said to some friends of ours, when they were discussing their costumes for next year already, "my goal is that he doesn't need to borrow anything from me." But that was by way of bringing up what I was this year, because they didn't know, and showing pictures, etc.
Just this past weekend, my wife and I were in a show together that required makeup, and as the makeup person was applying my lipstick (long story), she said, "Is it weird that you and your wife are wearing the same shade of lipstick?" To which she replied. "Eh, we wear the same size anyway. Same size shoes, same size bra." I know she was just being funny, but she didn't have to say anything at all. Sometimes I think it would be easier I knew she was one of these that's just absolutely revolted by crossdressing, and then I would at least know that there's no hope of acceptance. Instead, I feel like there's a good chance it might be ok, but you never know, right? What if I'm just projecting?
Sorry again for the long post, I just really needed to get these thoughts out. In summary, Halloween was great, but I'm bummed by the fact that I had such a bad meltdown the day after. I should've been basking in the glow of my triumph!
Feeling confused...:sad: