Do I pass, or does no-one care?

[Amy A]

Hi all,

I've come to the end of my first week of RLE/fulltime. I've spent the week on holiday in Yorkshire, visiting ruined cathedrals, museums, not so ruined cathedrals, tea rooms, pubs, deer parks, really big cathedrals, small towns, villages, big towns, supermarkets...

Anyway, throughout this week, I didn't seem to attract much attention. And when dealing with people up close, they didn't seem to react in any way. The only people who looked at me twice were older men.

But regardless of what happened, and what my parents (who took me on this holiday) say, I don't believe I pass. I am small and thin, so I think I fly under the radar of most people, but when others see me up close I am sure they must know I am trans. I'm just not sure where the line is drawn between people not reading me, and people just not reacting in any way. Is the illusion of passing more down to a growing acceptance of trans people in the UK?

Anyway, I must at least reflect on a successful week. If my experiences so far suggest that I don't look too obvious, hopefully once I'm on hormones then things will only get better.

[mary something]

I would say you pass, when someone makes eye contact with you what type of look do they have on their face?

[Eryn]

Look at it from the point of view of the people you encounter. They know little of transgenderism. To them gender is a binary, either you are a woman or a man. They look for the easiest-to-recognize visual cues and as soon as they collect enough information they automatically set your gender in their minds and with that the way that they will interact with you.

The only difficulty is if we throw too many mixed cues. Someone who sees my polished nails, lipstick and breasts will automatically determine that I am a woman but if I then interact with them with my male voice and use male mannerisms I can create enough dissonance in their mental image of me to get "made." One dissonant trait isn't enough to do this, as many genetic women have these traits as well.

The most important trait one can have is confidence. GGs, even mannish-looking ones, don't worry about getting made. They know that they are female even if they have masculine traits. You need to follow the same path. You are a woman and if someone you encounter thinks differently it is their problem, not yours.

I'm a CDer so I live on both sides of the divide. When I'm in non-work male mode I keep my nails clear-polished, wear plain jeans and colorful t-shirts along with stud earrings. I carry a small messenger bag as a purse. While presenting this way I will occasionally get ma'amed even though my hair is cut in a masculline style and I make no attempt to act stereotypically feminine. My self-confidence is what carries the day.

[Frances]

Both. You pass totaly for some people, and other people do not care at all. Even if someone reads or clocks you, it does not mean they care about it, or have negative feelings about it. We are emotionnally involved in this, but other people are not. It takes a long time to internalize this fact. It is very hard to stop projecting internalized transphobia onto others.

[CarlaWestin]

Of course you pass! Duh. And although you care 90% of the time, other people care nearly 0% of the time. My fear when out is young thugs.

[Jason+]

From the perspective of a decidedly non passer I can tell you the Frances, Carla and Eryn are on the money. If most of your clues are woman you will likely be treated as such. Most people in my experience have reacted more to how I interact with them than as much as how I look. There will always be a rude clod to shoot holes in my theory but that's not exactly new news.

[Rachelakld]

good old York, how many heels got wrecked on the cobble stone roads?
I remember the Cathedral before the bishop annoyed god, have they still not fixed it?
Us Yorkshire people have quite thick skins and probably wouldn't care what sex you are, including the oldies who would probably just looks and say "that's different" and then get back to discussing who is paying for the next round of beer.
I haven't been back for 35 years, don't think I'll see the old place again.

Glad you had a good week with your olds.

[Angela Campbell]

You probably pass fine. Even if someone sees one of the "clues" they may sometimes wonder but if you act as if you are doing your normal thing they will simply accept you and move on. I have never had any reaction at all anywhere I go. No funny looks, never a comment, always just polite smiles and small talk. Unless there is something pretty obvious no one will notice a thing.

[I Am Paula]

When I went full time, I learned all about the combined exilleration, and fear. Even tho' I had gone out hundreds of times, there was no escaping back to the safety of maledom.
Very quickly we discover that passing/acceptance overlap to such a huge degree, that soon the distinction is lost, as we just carry on. We go about our business hoping we have passed, and knowing at times that we haven't, but as long as we are treated as the lady we wish to be, it becomes less of an issue.
The majority of those who see thru' us realize we are doing the very best we can, and in return will treat us with the respect we seek. The rest are to busy with their own issues to care. The greatest passing tool of the 21st. century is the iphone. Nobody looks at anything else.

[Angela Campbell]

The biggest thing is just time. Keep going out and after a while you forget to even notice you are dressed as a woman....you are just looking like you.

[tori-e]

The only people who looked at me twice were older men.
....

Anyway, I must at least reflect on a successful week. If my experiences so far suggest that I don't look too obvious, hopefully once I'm on hormones then things will only get better.

Most people have no experience with transpeople and are lost in their own little worlds.

I had/have the same experience with older men.:D When I was first out I would notice people looking at me. I wondered if they, (A) - Thought I was a man dressed up like a woman -or- (B) - Thought I was a very attractive woman. You'll never know what people are thinking, but if you decide it's (B) you'll keep a smile on your face. :battingeyelashes:

[bas1985]

hi,

I am probably in a similar situation; I am pre-HRT and decided nonetheless to go full time.
I do not draw too much attention and now I am able to go out totally in drag mode (skirt and heels) without any problem.
I interact with people, normal everyday people. For example in my local town today they opened a "Starbuck-clone"
(for a local Italian town where coffee is a ritual this has been an event) and I went there to look around, there were
three people trying to connect to the local wifi and I simply told them that they needed the password from the counter.

I used my female voice, I was totally "in drag", they were two men and a woman, they treated me gently and then
the phone owner told me "thanks ma'am" with the most natural voice.

From my experiments in these weeks I can say that there are different categories of people:

1) the one who don't look at you and even if they look at you they are too busy to think "is this a man or a lady?".
They see a skirt, a purse, maybe a some make up and mentally they put you in the "pink box". You don't "pass", but
you don't attract a second look.

60-70%

2) the ones who clock you but do not care, they are too busy, etc...

Maybe 5-10%

3) the ones who clock you and maybe give to you a strange look, especially old men or women

maybe 3-5%

4) the ones with which you have some contact: the baker, the cashier, the person who sells newspapers, etc.
They are simply doing the work and they do not really care if you are a man or a woman, they want only the money.

5) friends and family: of course if you are not stealth they know your past, but this is inevitable.

6) new friends... I think this is the REAL RLE, that is to start to have NEW friends and present yourself as female.
A simple "stealth" test. This is going to be rough, I suppose.

But I think that only this test would test the quality of our passing, simply going around in the city is not sufficient.
It is a crude reality check, of course. If you don't pass even walking in the streets than you have to really
think twice about your transition (in my opinion).

[KellyJameson]

Passing is about perception and perception starts out in the subconscious of those perceiving you unless something triggers their first assumption and makes them reassess their automatic value judgements.

You will pass to the degree you are not scrutinized (subconscious) or to the degree you can pass scrutiny (conscious)

In my opinion to pass you want to stay in a persons subconscious so you do not do anything to trigger conscious scrutiny.

Women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and many women look more like a man than a woman and it is almost always about the face when there is a doubt but if she "is a woman" most people will not be so rude as to ask.

You can use this desire to not be rude to women to your advantage by letting go of the fear of passing and instead thinking about how you would feel if you were not treated and seen as a woman.

A woman who knows she is a woman would become hurt and defensive by not being seen as such and this is the place you want to come from EXCEPT you want to be careful how far you take it because you do not have the same protections afforded to other women by society.

You want to find a place where you are calm and free of anxiety about being perceived and treated as a woman but without the aggression common to many transsexuals.

Part of this comes from not apologizing for being a transsexual and also from knowing where physical danger lies in wait for you and avoiding it to the best of your abilities.

You have to double or triple the safety measures wise woman practice because you will not only potentially attract sexual violence but primal fears that reside in both men and women.

The challenge for the transsexual is knowing how dangerous the world is for them but yet being tranquil because it is in this tranquility that you will calm others fears and so not trigger conscious scrutiny.

Separate from how you physically appear you will pass to the degree that you are CALM and free of ANXIETY because people feel it so than consciously try to identify the danger.

It is not necessarily being transsexual that threatens others but when the person is acting in ways that make them suspicious so they become fearful.

The more you trigger fear in others the greater the danger to you as a transsexual and in my opinion this is one of the keys to passing.

People will largely ignore you if they do not see you as a threat but there is the danger that the very act of TRYING to pass will prevent passing because of the anxiety it generates.

I also see mistakes made by trying to act or appear to much like a woman so a caricature of what a woman should look like or act like is created but women are individuals first and woman second so be an individual first and a woman second as well.

Try to not create something you are not but build off what you are naturally. Do not lose yourself by trying to pass for others.

And definitely do not sexualize yourself if you are trying to avoid scrutiny.

Dress conservatively but for your age group.

[Chari]

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. In our mind the fear of "passing" can create an uncomfortable feeling if we let it. Continue to build your courage by being comfortable and confident in who you are, no matter where you go. Disregard all those that offer only negative looks and/or remarks, and fully enjoy your feminine side! BTW, if you look like your avatar - you do pass!

[JamieQ]

I was told that I pass most of the time even though I think I might not. Like others I do think that once we get past the fear or passing or not passing we are far better off. If we pass some of the time ...great! If we do not pass...so what!!! Of course we all want to pass. I think passing goes way beyond our physical looks...and alot of times the physical looks may be a small part of it. Relax...and go forth!

[vikki2020]

Probably a little of both--at least in my experience. But, you called it a "successful" week--and so it is! I'd say it's your confidence, and feeling that you are where you want to be that makes you "pass"--and others can read that as well.

[linda allen]

I don't think passing is an absolute. I think the best test is distance just like we used to rate our cars when I was a teenager many years ago. A fifty foot car, a twenty foot car, a five foot car, etc.

So while you may be taken as a female at fifty feet, how about twenty feet? Ten feet? Up close and personal?

Some will never pass up close and personal, others are lucky enough to have the body and features that allow the transition. Take photos and videos and work hard at improving yourself.

[EnglishRose]

I think the most important thing is: try not to worry about it as this sort of thing can eat you from the inside.

I've been full time over a year and used to intensely worry about this, which made me more nervous and ironically less likely to pass. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were. The day of confrontation, or mocking, or what-have-you never came so while it still may for me, I try not to worry about it.

I hope that doesn't sound glib but after a while you start to focus much more on non-trans life stuff instead. :)