Julie
01-01-2006, 02:02 PM
Good Bye 2005! Thank God! That was the worst year of my life! But I won't bore you with negativity. :thumbsdn:
About 15 years ago (maybe more) a friend of mine invited just close friends & SOs to his house for a safe New Year's celebration. We had a great sit down dinner featuring the best lobster tail I ever had and later enjoyed each other's company w/o all the noise, smoke and drunken idiots so hard to escape on New Years Eve, if you venture past your door. My wife and I liked it so much we made New Years Eve a family celebration. Lobster tail was always the main course at dinner.
So I went shopping for dinner yesterday but didn't want to spend all the $$$ on a lobster tail, usually $20-$30. I saw Alaskan King crab legs and fillet mignon on sale so I decided on surf & turf. I got a big baked potato for the side. When I got home I vegged in front of the TV for a while then around 6PM started to get hungry. WAIT! Where's Julie? (Not to be confused with Where's Waldo?) So I went upstairs put on some makeup & a red skirt & top and a pair of suede boots I just bought & a gold necklace. I messed with my hair until I was okay with the look and whallah! Julie was back! No forms, no wig, just me. And I didn't look too bad either.
So I cooked dinner and later realized Julie isn't too good of a cook. The potato wasn't cooked all the way and then I blew it up in the micro trying to fix that. The filet was over cooked and kind of tough. The crab was good but by the time I got half way through it was cold. :rolleyes: Anyone thinking I'd make a good wife better think again. :p Still, it was enjoyable and the dog loved all the scraps of which there were a lot.
Looking back on 2005 I could cite all the bad things but it's in the past and no longer matters. What I will remember is all I learned and all the wonderful people I met.
I learned that everyone has problems and no matter how bad you have it someone has it worse. (I'd hate to be that person who can't say that!)
I learned it's wrong to judge a book by it's cover. I met so many people I'd never have given a thought to getting to know that I ended up liking more than many who I tried to get to know.
I learned denying who I am is like trying to kill a part of you but when you do that all of you eventually dies. I had repressed dressing for ten years and soon was living under a lot of stress. I found sedation in alcohol. I used it to self-medicate but had no idea I was killing myself both with the booze and with repressing Julie. As soon as I stopped repressing Julie the daily drinking stopped. I often look back at how the two were so closely inter-related.
I learned you have to like yourself if you ever expect others to like you. When I was living a lie (others didn't know about Julie) it was easy to like me because I only focused on part of me. But when so many found about the rest of me, I hid from shame and embarassment. Little by little I am crawling back to that point of liking myself again. I am starting to realize some of those people who were in my life will never accept me and I have to accept that. I have a long way to go but at least I'm moving on a positive path.
I learned how much we impact the lives of others, often without ever knowing it. One time stands out in my mind more than any other. I had befriended a guy who was in a similar situation as me but instead of being TG he was gay. He, like me, was struggling about the wife & kids at home. I always saw him as a rock, very sure of himself. He could withstand anything. I envied his confidence. We talked a lot but one time, probably close to a year ago, we went into the back room of the bar and had a long heart-to-heart talk. He told me about a month ago how much that talk impacted his life for the better and thanked me for helping him. If he hadn't told me I never would have known and I never would have realized that we can help even those we think don't need it.
I learned the importance of doing things slowly even when you think you've found a solution to a lifelong problem. The world around you needs time to adjust if you are going to make changes in yourself.
I learned so many more things and all at the age of 53-54. That reminded me once again we never stop learning as long as we are alive.
I look forward to the new year as it will bring a new life, one without denial, hiding my true self or repression.
I look forward to renewing my relationship with my family and hope they can accept me for who I am.
I look forward to finally finding out who I really am (what a job that has been!) and finding true happiness.
I look forward to becoming more involved with the TG community because that's where I will find the strength I need to survive in the mainstream community.
And I look forward to keeping the friendships I've had and making new friends as well.
https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/images/emoticons/party-smiley-032.gif HAPPY NEW YEAR! https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/images/emoticons/party-smiley-032.gif
It's gonna be a good one. I can just feel it!
About 15 years ago (maybe more) a friend of mine invited just close friends & SOs to his house for a safe New Year's celebration. We had a great sit down dinner featuring the best lobster tail I ever had and later enjoyed each other's company w/o all the noise, smoke and drunken idiots so hard to escape on New Years Eve, if you venture past your door. My wife and I liked it so much we made New Years Eve a family celebration. Lobster tail was always the main course at dinner.
So I went shopping for dinner yesterday but didn't want to spend all the $$$ on a lobster tail, usually $20-$30. I saw Alaskan King crab legs and fillet mignon on sale so I decided on surf & turf. I got a big baked potato for the side. When I got home I vegged in front of the TV for a while then around 6PM started to get hungry. WAIT! Where's Julie? (Not to be confused with Where's Waldo?) So I went upstairs put on some makeup & a red skirt & top and a pair of suede boots I just bought & a gold necklace. I messed with my hair until I was okay with the look and whallah! Julie was back! No forms, no wig, just me. And I didn't look too bad either.
So I cooked dinner and later realized Julie isn't too good of a cook. The potato wasn't cooked all the way and then I blew it up in the micro trying to fix that. The filet was over cooked and kind of tough. The crab was good but by the time I got half way through it was cold. :rolleyes: Anyone thinking I'd make a good wife better think again. :p Still, it was enjoyable and the dog loved all the scraps of which there were a lot.
Looking back on 2005 I could cite all the bad things but it's in the past and no longer matters. What I will remember is all I learned and all the wonderful people I met.
I learned that everyone has problems and no matter how bad you have it someone has it worse. (I'd hate to be that person who can't say that!)
I learned it's wrong to judge a book by it's cover. I met so many people I'd never have given a thought to getting to know that I ended up liking more than many who I tried to get to know.
I learned denying who I am is like trying to kill a part of you but when you do that all of you eventually dies. I had repressed dressing for ten years and soon was living under a lot of stress. I found sedation in alcohol. I used it to self-medicate but had no idea I was killing myself both with the booze and with repressing Julie. As soon as I stopped repressing Julie the daily drinking stopped. I often look back at how the two were so closely inter-related.
I learned you have to like yourself if you ever expect others to like you. When I was living a lie (others didn't know about Julie) it was easy to like me because I only focused on part of me. But when so many found about the rest of me, I hid from shame and embarassment. Little by little I am crawling back to that point of liking myself again. I am starting to realize some of those people who were in my life will never accept me and I have to accept that. I have a long way to go but at least I'm moving on a positive path.
I learned how much we impact the lives of others, often without ever knowing it. One time stands out in my mind more than any other. I had befriended a guy who was in a similar situation as me but instead of being TG he was gay. He, like me, was struggling about the wife & kids at home. I always saw him as a rock, very sure of himself. He could withstand anything. I envied his confidence. We talked a lot but one time, probably close to a year ago, we went into the back room of the bar and had a long heart-to-heart talk. He told me about a month ago how much that talk impacted his life for the better and thanked me for helping him. If he hadn't told me I never would have known and I never would have realized that we can help even those we think don't need it.
I learned the importance of doing things slowly even when you think you've found a solution to a lifelong problem. The world around you needs time to adjust if you are going to make changes in yourself.
I learned so many more things and all at the age of 53-54. That reminded me once again we never stop learning as long as we are alive.
I look forward to the new year as it will bring a new life, one without denial, hiding my true self or repression.
I look forward to renewing my relationship with my family and hope they can accept me for who I am.
I look forward to finally finding out who I really am (what a job that has been!) and finding true happiness.
I look forward to becoming more involved with the TG community because that's where I will find the strength I need to survive in the mainstream community.
And I look forward to keeping the friendships I've had and making new friends as well.
https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/images/emoticons/party-smiley-032.gif HAPPY NEW YEAR! https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/images/emoticons/party-smiley-032.gif
It's gonna be a good one. I can just feel it!