Reflection

[Tina_gm]

It has been almost a year now since I stopped the battle within myself and have begun to release the feminine side of me. Overall, it has been some mixed results. I wish I had a better story to tell or reflections of this past year. It hasn't always gone all that well.

1st and foremost is the struggles I have put my wife through. That is the most difficult issue I face. I feel bad for her. It has rocked her confidence in us and me. She has had to battle anger issues from me not telling her about how I really feel inside at times, and has trust issues as well.

She is concerned and worried about the future. She is a full on heterosexual woman, and personally has no joy of my feminine side. She wishes I didn't have it. I can't and do not blame her or am I in any way angered by that. That is fairly standard among any heterosexual person. I would be the same if it were her that had after marriage told me about a masculine side etc etc. It is a very slow work in progress. There has been progress, a lot of it actually, but still, by being married to me it gives her a struggle that she may always have to deal with.

Other things that I am reflecting on- While out to my wife, I am not out to anyone else, other than counselors and one distant friend of hers. There is a new secrecy that I deal with, something I now do that no one else knows about, and something I do not discuss with anyone. That does get frustrating at times. And when I decided to come forth, it was not something I had given any thought.

CDing and the TG nature of myself takes up a lot of space in my thoughts. And that is something I feel will need to change. I know there is no going back, and I am ok with the arrangements I have made with my wife. It is working. We are still together and plan to be. Still, I sometimes, often times find myself thinking and wondering too much when it comes to this.

I am finding at times I can get a bit lost. What part of me is feminine? what part isn't. At what point do I find a balance or how close can I come that will bring me as much personal peace and satisfaction of just being who I am?

I have been pondering a lot about where I am at, and how I should continue. I need to find an internal balance. My masculine and feminine side seem to collide too often.

I have decided for now that I am not going to quit dressing. However, I do need to focus more on the day to day stuff in front of me. Perhaps it is my own version of pink fog, but I need to focus more. Yes, allowing myself to accept my feminine side and express it has been a tremendous relief. It has also brought on new struggles, some of which I did not envision.

I am going work on finding ways to reduce those struggles, which sometimes may mean putting the CDing on the back burner more. I have had long hard thoughts about what is really most important in my life. My wife and family come 1st. I cannot envision giving them up to appease my feminine side. For now I think what is most important is that I continue to recognize who and what I am. Deep down I am more than just a typical man, but a man nonetheless.

[Zylia]

Thank you for your story gendermutt. Although we obviously share a 'common interest', our backstories as of now are hardly the same, but it's a very recognisable and relatable write-up and certainly puts my own internal struggles into perspective. I applaud your willingness and ability to try and tackle all of this in a constructive, realistic and reflective manner.

[MssHyde]

gendermutt many of things you wrote could have been written by me.

I feel for you, and others going through this same relationship strain, I know its tough on all concerned. most women would not have a clue whats going on in their husbands heads, if they are anything like us.

[kimdl93]

I understand the struggles. My advice is that you try to break down the distinction of male you and female you, and instead try seeing only you...and you can have a variety of interests and desires without labeling them as male or female. And then relax. Sure, this isn't something your wife signed on for, but if you give her time and don't make this the focus of every waking hour, she'll make some mental adjustments too.

[MichelleinEugene]

Many of us are right there with you. Stay strong, cut yourself some slack, have fun when you can. We're here for you. Thank you for sharing.

[Beverley Sims]

I would keep reading those last two paragraphs of your post.

"I have decided for now that I am not going to quit dressing. However, I do need to focus more on the day to day stuff in front of me."

and this line...

"I am going to work on finding ways to reduce those struggles, which sometimes may mean putting the CDing on the back burner more.

That is good slow down a bit.

I have had long hard thoughts about what is really most important in my life.

"And now the biggie!!!!


My wife and family come 1st."

Do not go on questioning yourself, settle down and try being yourself when dressed.
Then read these two lines again.

I wish you well in your endeavours.

[Carlene]

Thank you for this post. Much of what you write is very near and dear to me. Good luck to you Gendermutt. I wish you the very best.

Carlene..........:daydreaming:

[Tina_gm]

All of this is new to me in a way. Not the desires, but of the reality and of acceptance of myself. 1 year of gaining acceptance with 30 years of denial and repression. As much as is such good advice about being patient and going slow for S/O's, I think the same applies to ourselves as well. It is not that I want to go plunging head 1st, It is merely the accepting part, and giving myself time to learn to sort of go with the flow of all that I am. I will admit that while such a relief in many ways this last year has been, it has also brought on new struggles and some confusion. I still can be a good husband. Just not the most typical of them.