Is there even a term for this? (Body image and gender identity)

[Windy]

I don't know where to begin. I'm sorry in advance if I end up offending/triggering anyone with this. That isn't my intention at all. I can't say for sure what I'll mention, but this is a forewarning that it might not be pretty. I'm sorry that it's long. I haven't felt like I can ever be honest before without hurting someone's feelings, but hidden online and in a community where I don't have close friends yet I feel I can be honest.

I suppose I wish I felt "more trans". I look at myself in the mirror everyday, and I see me. I don't automatically think "man" (because I'm a mostly-closeted trans* person who isn't out to the public yet), even when I have facial or body hair showing. In fact I don't really consider my gender at all, most of the time. It's there, like a voice at the back of my mind, but usually my daily life doesn't give me a chance to think about it. Sometimes though it comes up. I don't exactly know why, but I feel VERY uncomfortable (bordering on feeling sick) when someone calls me "bloke", "bro", or "mate" (I come from the UK). I hate the underlying macho-ness in those words. I don't mind "man" or "dude" as much, since they seem more gender neutral, and kind of cuter.

I don't feel especially trans I suppose. I know I present as a man, but I don't often think of it. Ordinally I guess I'd leave it at that. I don't necessarily hate the fact I have coarse facial hair (it's a bloody nuissance and I'd rather not have it, but I have to deal with the fact my face is too sensitive to shave more than twice a week), or a penis (it's just...there, really). I do dislike that I don't have curves though. I'm thin as a pole, so I guess that's one thing about me that isn't masculine at least, but I know I'll never have large breasts, hips or a bum,even on hormones. I've always admired larger women, and part of me desperately wants to be the plump, curvy blonde girl, instead of the six foot three brunette with AAA boobs and huge (US 15!) feet.

I'm also very feminine: I feel like if/when I go full time I'd wear makeup every day and dress in skirts and dresses at least as often as I'd wear trousers/pants. I feel like I'm shamelessly talking about myself, but I do love things traditionally associated with female roles in society. Part of me feels ashamed of that (I don't want to be thought of as a child that needs babying, and I suppose some people have outrightly told me that I "don't know what being a woman is like!"). I could "just" be a crossdresser, since there's nothing wrong with identifying as male and dressing in a feminine way, but...I don't know, I don't think so.

I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable with my body as I notice the number of things that girls have that I don't. It also depresses me that even ciswomen who don't have large breasts and who might not pass as female all the time themselves can legitimately say "I'm female" and have people apologise to them, but I'd feel like a freak or a liar if I said the same, and nobody would believe me anyway. I don't mean to scare people, but I can't go on like this. The dysphoria (whatever it is) is taking up more and more of my day, and the gatekeepers at the NHS gender clinic I'm enrolled at are starting to get on my nerves with how incompetent and slow they are. I've waited 2 years since first talking to a counsellor to even get my first letters through to get me on the clinic database, and I'll be leaving the country for work (I have no other choice) in January, so I may have to do the whole process all over AGAIN in the new place I live.

I often feel like I've had to "sex up" my "transness" to other people, because my gatekeepers will either tell me that I might need some more time to decide (I've spent years deciding already and I'm sick of the waiting game), say I'm not "trans enough" and put me through more hopeless tests with yet more endless bureaucracy, or shunt me to the back of the giant waiting list in favour of more deserving cases... if I say I never felt like I was born in the wrong body.

I guess I suppose I'd just like to see me in the mirror, and that me would just happen to be female?

[IamSara]

Windy
It seems to me that you are in desperate need of therapy. I know you said you have waited 2 years since first talking to a counselor but are you still able to go to them? If you were here in the states, I would tell you definitely you need to go. In someways I was much the same as you are saying you are. I started going to therapy and have gotten many of those types of issues settled. I am still in therapy and have not yet decided that transition is what I have to do to survive. I know I want to live my life as female and do so a good bit of the time. But not full time and not on HRT yet.
The only way I got to where I am and believe me it isn't that far, is through therapy and getting my feelings, some of them so buried that I had forgotten all about even thinking them out in to the open. My therapist keeps me honest with myself and with my feelings. That is the only way I am surviving. Otherwise I would totally be a basket case.
I don't know where you are moving to but if you can start over and get therapy, it is the only way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

All these thoughts and ideas can be very confusing and disturbing.

Unfortunately you are going to have to "go there" in your head and get to the bottom of what all this means.

I didn't ever hate my body parts, I spent lots of time mindlessly living as a male and not really internally processing how empty and confused I was about it..I never felt I was born in the wrong body.

It took years of life, years of existential loneliness and finally years of hard fought therapy to come to my own best conclusion... it was a lot of time and a lot of work...

you are going to have to do this work...if you don't , you'll stay in the circle and just keep going round and round...

+++
For example, I can relate to wondering in my own mind what it would be really like to be called or considered a "her" by someone else...I thought in my mind about what it would mean to say "I'm female", and like you I felt guilt and shame about it..
None of that is conducive to improving quality of life!!!...

I'm sorry that you are being required to experience these delays and all the red tape...all I can offer is that you are best advocate..don't be afraid to get serious about who and what you are and if you are a woman...don't apologize to anybody...don't be ashamed..fully and totally accept it, and then decide with a clear mind and strong will what you should do about it.

[LeaP]

Windy, your feelings come through quite clearly. But do you know what you want to do, or even do next?

[KellyJameson]

I had always lived with intense gender dysphoria but without the words to understand it so could not point to it and say thats what I'm experiencing.

Also I did not want to be associated in my mind or the minds of others with Transgenders and or Transsexuals because I had been conditioned to think they were mentally ill.

You may have intense social conditioning to overcome before you are able to see yourself clearly.

For me one of the aspects of GD was a complete absence of any sense of gender. My mind dealt with the problem of GD by removing the source of the problem which was "gender" so I was genderless because I was blind to gender which meant that I was blind to myself as gender and also blind to others as gender.

This made me insensitive to respecting gender roles and norms leaving people with the impression that I was "off" mentally and I was as a by product of how my mind was coping with the trauma.

If you have been stripped of your actual gender and prevented from living it than you have experienced trauma.

The fact that you use the word "trigger" tells me you are already thinking in psychological terms.

Much of this experience is subsconscious and one way to know and expose your subconscious is examining what you are drawn to "subconsciously"

Men are drawn to the feminine for different reasons than transsexuals. They are drawn to the feminine has something to capture that is outside them but they have no interest in giving up themselves in the process and you see crossdressers do this all the time.

They are men who clearly identify as men and this may or may not be you.

It all comes down to identity.

If you have an internalized self image of yourself as female you will identify with that which seems "like you"

You will move toward the familar even if it feels foreign to you.

The foreign feeling comes from living two identities instead of one cohesive identity.

You identify with the female but do not think you belong to this group but this comes from being prevented entrance and not becuase you want to aquire that which is foreign and exotic because it is "the other" from you.

Think of it like group identity. What group is you ? What group (male or female) best represents how you experience yourself ?

It is important to move beyond the feminine as that which has been created by men or adored by men because that is the false feminine.

It is not seeing women as a man but seeing women as a woman.

When you understand the distinction you will have your answer.

Forget about all the labels and go deep into your most primal self before their were words.

Gender lives at the very center of your existence. It is your core identity.

It is a type of knowing that exists beyond words because gender lives in the part of you beyond thinking, logic and that which is created by thinking and logic, words and concepts.

[mariehart]

I can relate to much of this, particularly Kelly's post. When I came to accept my female self, you might imagine my troubles would be over but in reality it got worse. When it was all suppressed I could deal with it. Now that it's undeniable in my mind. The stress of maintaining the male image has intensified not lessened and added to that the stress of trying to hide my female side. To make it worse I find myself a Father but taking on the traditional (for my generation and family) Mother's role, childminding and housekeeping. So I have this constant dichotomy.

It's a daily struggle for me now and I do think I need therapy before I go completely mad. Trouble is, living in a provincial town it's not really available. I find that drinking doesn't help but when did it ever?

So I readily empathise with the OP.

[DebbieL]

I do understand your feelings. I had always wanted to be a girl. I was never much of a boy. By the time I was 12 I could wear my mom's clothes and everything fit, and I wanted more than anything to be a girl. Back in those days, however, the "cure" for gender dysphoria was electric shock therapy and usually lobotomy, so my parents and therapists wouldn't even let me talk about it.

Around 14 and 15 years old, my body started to change. I shot up to 6 foot tall, my feet got too big, and I was growing hair on my arms, legs, and face. The final blow was when I auditioned for choir, and found out that I had a very low Bass voice, going down to 2 octaves below middle C.

For me, it was a trigger into a 4 year period of very dangerous and self-destructive behavior. I started using drinking a LOT of booze, taking recreational drugs, and mixing all that with my prescription drugs. I'd often go into black-outs during which I would either become the "****" - with my head between someone's legs, or the "Bitch", trying to verbally attack and humiliate people into attacking me. When I wasn't out "partying" with my friends, I'd get loaded and walk down the center lane of a very busy road and play "matador" with the cars, often actually touching cars as they rounded a poorly lit curve at 35-40 MPH.

There were times when I would do other dangerous things like run around without a coat in -10 degree weather, or lock myself into a car on a hot summer day where the temperatures inside the car could hit 150 degrees.

I found out later that the only reason I survived most of this was because I have a genetic trait that has helped generations of my family from killing themselves with drugs and alcohol, including at least 6 alcoholic great-uncles.

I ended up in therapy several times, and each time I brought up the gender dysphoria the response was consistently "We can't talk about that, we need to address your OTHER issues". They didn't seem to understand that the GD was the ROOT CAUSE of these other issues!

I didn't encounter a qualified therapist until I went to couples counseling. When he found out that I was a "cross-dresser" he decided to have some one-on-one sessions and realized that I was a "Type 6 Transsexual". He referred me to a therapist who was better qualified to address GD issues and within a few weeks he encouraged me to transition, giving me assignments, going to different clubs as Debbie (and as Rex), and having me record feelings at the end of the night. Within a couple of months, I was living 128 (all but the 40 hours/week at the office) as Debbie.

Ultimately, I had to be willing to accept that I wouldn't be a beautiful woman, but if I dressed to "Blend", by dressing age appropriate, situation appropriate, and size appropriate, I could live a happy life as Debbie. I'm now living 24/7 and have been amazed that most people ONLY see me as a woman, and are often a bit shocked when my voice drops (usually because I've done something clumsy).

Here in the USA, I had no trouble finding a therapist who had GD experience, but I had a hard time finding an MD in NJ so I had to go to PA.

Even today, many doctors worry about malpractice lawsuits by transsexuals who might go through transition and then be unhappy with the result.
In some states, Orchiectomies are still considered a form of mutilation and doctors can lose privilideges at "Faith Based" hospitals for performing them.

In spite of calls for the AMA to do so, many health plans don't cover transition procedures, including hormones, breast exams, and SRS.

[LeaP]

Well, Beth, I've seen examples of projection before, but yours is a doozy.

Windy, you are hardly the first trans woman with your physical characteristics, many of whom have transitioned successfully. You also are attractive, based on your avatar. Do what you need to do, but almost all of us have a few things physically we don't like about ourselves.