End of the Hiatus

[Arrows27]

Over the course of my adult life (about 8 years), I've purged my crossdressing cache 3 times. I've discarded 2 pairs of breast forms, a wig, and countless articles of clothing.

If you look at my posting history, you'll see I was briefly around almost 2 years ago. I'd just moved into an apartment by myself and nearly was dressed full time in the privacy of my own apartment. It felt great for a time.

Then I met someone.

Increased female companionship in my life, coupled with the burden of keeping everything a secret was too much. So I purged for the 3rd time in my life. For a while I didn't even think about dressing, I was happy to be one. One person, one gender, who I was to myself was who I was to the world. There is serenity in unity.

It's always a hiatus though. Eventually, feelings start to return. A walk through a department store always inevitably leads through a Women's section. The clothing, the mannequins, the colors, the femininity, pulls at my chest. It starts small at first, but then it grows. Eventually the feelings are so strong it's hard to breath.

And it begins again. There is still someone in my life, someone who can't find out. Not yet at least, but probably not ever. The cycles are never ending, the catharsis of dressing, the catharsis of purging.

[Danni Renee]

I certainly remember those pains (with a shudder). I have dressed on and off since I was 10. The longest duration was when I was married. All of my stuff stayed hidden in an attic and only came out once or twice a year. But although they were hidden from sight, they were never hidden from mind - constantly pulling at my heart and soul. So of course, I have 2 daughters with my ex-wife which both helped (shopping for clothes was NEVER a problem for them ;)) and a torture (so many things I wanted but could not touch). The marriage was ended (nothing to do with dressing) and I have found someone else. Although it was exceptionally hard to do, I eventually told my SO about my dressing and she is fully accepting. The weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have told others at this point (including my Ex who interestingly is accepting too) but have more to tell (my kids are next on the list).

I hope you can find your inner peace someday. It is possible so don't give up on yourself.

Danni

[kimdl93]

You know what they say about doing the same things over again and again? Well, not to say that this is insane, but why not break the cycle. You're obviously quite young, but have already thrown away hundreds, perhaps thousands of dollars worth of clothes, etc. I think it's safe to say that you will repeat the cycle unless you decide to make a change.

If you are early in a relationship, but feel that it has potential, I strongly encourage you to find a way to tell her about your CDing. While you fear being honest, I would submit that you should fear the consequences of dishonesty and deception even more. Ask yourself what might happen if you told her and then ask what might happen if she suddenly or gradually figured it out for herself.

[JustWendy]

So very well said. There are those that will say it is easy to break the cycle – just stop purging. That may work if a person is just purging out of a sense of shame. Because most of us have figured out that at some point the desire for the feminine will overpower any remnants of shame. Shame, however, isn’t always the only theme to our story. There is, what you have referred to as, “the desire to be one” – one person, one gender. And when a special lady comes into our life, we not only want, but feel we finally can be that one person. We purge, thinking we will never need or desire that “stuff” anymore. Ultimately the feelings do come back, and we despair. Some will say you are one person, one gender. It’s just that the gender isn’t one of the two that most people accept as the only options. I’m one of those people. Finding a special person who shares that view is a tall order. Wondering if the person you’ve already found shares that view is terrifying. I think the only way to find happiness is to be true to yourself and true to those in your life who absolutely need to know. I wish you happiness.

Wendy

[RenneB]

Been there, done that, again and again and again....

With regards to the SO though, there are basically two factions of supporters on this site. Those that say be honest and tell them now and the other side that says keep it in the closet.... so to speak. Do what you think is best. For some of us though, being honest means that we'll most likely end up in some cheap apartment paying support and not being able to afford the 'hobby'.

The last time I purged it lasted for over a decade... now the wardrobe is waaaay too expensive to toss away. Buy a bunch of storage totes all the same and store everything from you hobby to misc items in the basement. Works for me. The SO doesn't do anything in the basement....

Hope all is well.....

Renne.....

[Rachelakld]

Oh the joys of being young.

As to someone special not finding out, has she seen an optometrist or do you have some god like magic powers?
It's not that she can't find out, it's more about how long you're willing to lie to her?
Bit like a heart attack, the longer, the bigger the damage, bye bye house and kids type trouble, if you wait until you have those things

[Beverley Sims]

I have preached this often.....
When a new girlfriend comes along, interest in dressing wanes.
When you have explored everything about her and she becomes boring....
Dressing returns with a vengeance :)
In these situations it is not advisable to purge...
Just pack all your clothing away till next time.
"There will be a next time, I assure you." :)

[Mssusan]

Why can't your girlfriend find out about a very important aspect of you? As a GG who had never even heard of cross dressing until less than a year ago, I am glad my BF told me very early on. It gave me time to read, ask questions, reflect, and most of all, get to know and appreciate my guy as a whole person. It set the stage for honesty and mutual support of each other's past and present quirks.

Don't live half a life; take a risk and let this woman know the real you.

Good luck!

[Arrows27]

The money lost with purging isn't that big of a deal, actually I find the whole ritual really helpful in a lot of ways. Would I love to get some of those items back? Of course I would! But I still feel like the act of purging is as helpful to me as the act of dressing. The pendulum swings one way, and the pendulum swings back the other.

As far as my girlfriend, for me, contemplating telling her means telling myself that I see the relationship moving forward in the long term. As much fun as I have with her in the present, right now, I have a hard time seeing us together 2-3 years down the road. Introducing such a deeply personal thing at this point in time isn't really something I want to do right now, if it changes I'll have to seriously consider when an how to approach telling her.

[Beverley Sims]

Susan,
A nice bit of philosophy from you there.
It would be good if others adopted it and took your view.

[Tallulah Rose]

The urge always returns, it seems; it's interesting. I haven't dressed very much for several months, but suddenly I find myself wanting to again. I guess the way I deal with it is to just go with my feelings at the time. Getting rid of my stash wouldn't be a great idea - tried that years ago when I thought I'd 'grown out of it', but in retrospect it was a foolish thing to do.

Just accepting that these feelings come and go has been the best approach for me.