Alice Torn
11-22-2013, 11:04 AM
A country song from about ten yrs back! Truth is, I may have Alice looking pretty nice, and have a full wardrobe, and seem to take nicer pics, now, but other areas of my life are not doing so well. My VA therapist took me to task, this week, too. More important issues have been ignored. The Pink Fog has had me out of control, out of relationship with others, isolated, extremely self absorbed, incapable of healthy friendship, spiritually bankrupt, making unwise decisions about my vehicle. I may be relegated to only my bicycle and walking, if the mechanic can't save my car, which i put $1300 into, and worked day and night on, for two weeks. I do not have one friend in this area, since i had to move back here 3 1/2 yrs ago. Poor old bachelors are avoided here, as its almost all married midwesterners here. The small 12 step Adult children of alcoholics group i attended shrunk and disbanded. I got enough guts to go out Oct 31 late, in this town. Around three or four people recognized me, but i am ok with them knowing. Trouble is, in these towns, gossip spreads like radioactivity. I need to back off after my next Ebay outfit arrives, and work on my finacial state, social state, spiritual, and see if i can afford to more to Wisconsin, and out of Illinois. I try to not be so damn selfish. I donate pet food, to the animal food bank here, buy birdseed for my ornery neighbor, help others, when i am able, but truth is, i am not really close to another human being. My friends from the Seattle area, no longer call me, or return calls. My cats are my only intimate friends. My 93 yr old dad always said he was a loner, and suggested that i be one, too. A very antisocial family i came from. I was somewhat of a loner, but had friends, before i strted dressing in 2005 from wig to heels. Now, i am isolated, and a loner much more! I try to talk with strangers,but most are not interested, too involved with their mates, and families. Like another CD, who shares from a small midwest town, we live in our own world alone, in the midst of a community on "normies", who would brand us sickos, perverts, deviants, dangerous to kids, and oddballs, at best. In spite of all this, I do need to change some attitudes i have, such as hot temperedness, feeling like a total victim, intolerance toward "normies", and those with normal , or positive famiies,even though my family is extremely toxic and antisocial. Nor me, nor any siblings has a SO. All loners. I have been in recovery since 1980, but it has been off and on, and very painful.Some of us were born with two or three strikes against us, from having healthy relationships. I tend to feel i am a victim, and i am in a number of ways, but i am a fool, to let Pink Fog take over my whole life. As an addictive personality, that will kill me, soon, like any addiction. I admit i got a thinkin problem, and feelin problem, and need to become social, with all types of people, and accepting, and get out of my cocoon, even if it means far less dressing.
I have to remember that i suffer bipolar and depression, and a nervous disorder, too, and below poverty level, too. The "normies" all have their "abnormalities", too, as we all do. But most more "normal" people consider men who dress as women, as weird, deviant, sinful, perverse. I understand why they do. I am a flawed, dysfunctional human being, just trying to cope and live, in a world where there is not enough love to go around, it seems. People in prisons know it, whether they are guilty or innocent of crimes committed. One of my older brothers is in prison 35 yrs. He is harsh and cruel to me, though. His twin brother is out now, and he criticizes me non stop, too. Some of us were "set up" to fail, or be abnormals.
I have to remember that i suffer bipolar and depression, and a nervous disorder, too, and below poverty level, too. The "normies" all have their "abnormalities", too, as we all do. But most more "normal" people consider men who dress as women, as weird, deviant, sinful, perverse. I understand why they do. I am a flawed, dysfunctional human being, just trying to cope and live, in a world where there is not enough love to go around, it seems. People in prisons know it, whether they are guilty or innocent of crimes committed. One of my older brothers is in prison 35 yrs. He is harsh and cruel to me, though. His twin brother is out now, and he criticizes me non stop, too. Some of us were "set up" to fail, or be abnormals.