Weird situation need advice!!

[candydawn75]

Ok so I haven't posted in a while, but I ran into a situation that I am very confused about.

So here goes (this may be long). I started at a gym doing crossfit. I am loving it!! When I started I was a little hairy as I hadn't shaved in a couple of weeks. Anyway the instructor didn't show a lot of attention to me... fat, older you get the drill. Then I shaved and things changed. He started to work with me more, now complimenting me on my weight loss, and even started to touch me while lifting (not inappropriate just spotting, showing what muscled to use, etc). So today I find out he is gay. A couple of years ago I would have freaked and ran screaming but since I have been introduced to CD that has all changed. The problem is I am not sure how to deal with it. This is new territory for me. Don't get me wrong I am straight, but do I acknowledge that I know? Do I keep quite?? Then is he hitting on me? Does he have a "feeling" about my fem side?? He's a good kid. Nice, respectful, and in AMAZING shape!! I am so freaking confused!! lol No I am not thinking of quitting he is doing an amazing job with me! Lost 2.5 inches in stomach and gained 1.5 in legs and .75 in arms, haven't looked this buff in years (not good for fem!!;p) I do crap I have NEVER and I mean NEVER been able to do even as a kid!!

So thoughts?? Comments?? Concerns?? TIA!

[AmyGaleRT]

As far as I can tell, he's just being nice to you at this point. If he gets inappropriate, let him know (and the management, if he persists). Otherwise, consider yourself fortunate you have such a good instructor.

I'm guessing he may be attracted to your less-hairy, more-buff male image...he probably would not be attracted to you en femme if that's the case.

- Amy

[candydawn75]

Amy thanks!! No he is totally not being inappropriate at all. Trust me I do think I am fortunate. He motivates me to go 4-5 times a week and NEVER give up! If I slack he is there encouraging me to go. Who knows maybe you are right about the buff and en femme thing. Again thanks! Just for the record it is not an uncomfortable thing at all. More on my part of not knowing how to handle it not that he has done anything "wrong".

[beam47]

it's simple , he is not interested in your fem side if he is gay and if you make sure you behave as a straight male I'm sure he will not put the word to you, We had many gay friends and as long as they know you are straight they will leave you alone

[JenniferYager]

Unless it gets inappropriate, he's just trying to motivate you. If it starts to delve into that area, a simple comment of "that makes me feel uncomfortable" will likely stop it.

[mikiSJ]

We had many gay friends and as long as they know you are straight they will leave you alone

Or, they will also become great, helpful, funny friends.

[candydawn75]

Thanks ladies!! Your advice totally helps!! You have to understand I just moved from a community that would have outed him and no telling what. But through CD and education I have found that over the last couple of years I an way OK with it. Trust me I am grateful to him for what he has done for me!! I am thinking of inviting him over for Thanksgiving with my fam because his is several hours away. I hope it never comes to the point of "uncomfortable", because I do like him and respect his knowledge.

[Nadine Spirit]

My best friend is bisexual. He was very concerned to admit this to me, but since I revealed to him that I am a CD, he felt open with me to tell me that he is bisexual. He began reading my blog and he eventually began to write his own. I was quite surprised when he shared his blog with me and it was kind of all about a fantasy he had about me and him. I was taken aback, but mostly I was super impressed with his willingness to be so open and honest.

When I had told him that I CD, he asked if I was interested in guys. I told him no. So when he shared his blog, he was very concerned that he made me uncomfortable. I told him that no, that I trusted him. Just because he likes guys and girls, does not mean he would be inappropriate and he never has been.

He is still very much one of my best friends. The only guy friend I have that I can CD around and he has always made me feel totally normal.

[candydawn75]

Nadine,

Hey thanks!! That does help! I am not sure that it will happen that he and I become close enough that I dress in front of him, but I do feel "comfortable" around him.

[AmyGaleRT]

You have to understand I just moved from a community that would have outed him and no telling what. But through CD and education I have found that over the last couple of years I an way OK with it.

That's a good illustration of a general principle that I'm sure a lot of us have noticed...when you begin to come out to yourself and others as a transgendered individual, you may develop a different, more relaxed viewpoint towards alternative sexualities as well as alternative gender presentations. After all, you're now kind of in the same boat yourself. And that's when you realize what you probably should have known all along...that, really, they're not bad people, just different, and you have no more to fear from them than they have to fear from you. You can learn a lot about other people--and yourself--by adopting a different (feminine) perspective.

- Amy

[sarahspinkdress]

I live with a crossfit trainer actually. I don't know your guy, but I know mine, so just from what he does, I would say he's probably just being friendly. Crossfit gets to be such a community thing (especially if you do it to the point of going to competitions or the events), I think it's probably just a sign that he's more comfortable with you as a member of that community :) A lot of people show up for a bit, then bolt, so there's no point getting to know them. If you've been there long enough to get some results (which you did, congrats) then you're into a new league. Keep it up!

[Marcelle]

Hi Candy,

I agree with Sarah on this point. I did CrossFit for years and have even instructed. Touching/spotting is part of the intensity when it comes to the process. I think he is just doing what a lot of instructors do. Not saying he doesn't find you attractive as a guy, but if you keep with your straight male persona, he will most likely get the message. But he sounds like a great instructor.

Hugs

Isha

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I'd just keep it simple, and apply the same rules as if your trainer was an attractive GG. Your their for cross fit classes, and that alone. Continue the hard work, stay focused, and follow instructions given. It's also possible that your instruction is just truly proud and happy for you that you are showing results. I am not a trainer myself, but have given diet/exercise advice to my friends who have asked for it, and done several workouts with them. It made me extremely happy almost giddy, when I've seen them progressing, to the point where I could see the weight loss, increase in muscle tone, and overall better eating habits.

[I Am Paula]

Gay men do not hit on straight men. For both professional reasons (he'd lose his job), and sexual reasons (There are plenty of gay men for him to date) He's just doing his job.

[Tina B.]

It just could be it has nothing to do with his being gay, maybe as you have worked with him, he has gotten to know you better and just feels more comfortable with you, rather than when you where more of a stranger.
Then again, shaved, getting buff, and you said he was gay, ummm.

[sweetshauna]

Keep working with him and blow it off, I think you're okay. sounds like a good trainer to me. like its been said in earlier replies to your thread. he's gay, you're straight, no worries. he just likes a shaved body is all, and that's what drew his attention to you.

[CarlaWestin]

Although I'm 99% positive that I'm not gay, I have always been accepting and matter of fact about gay people. I believe it dovetails nicely with the acceptance that I desire with my genderating. While everyone else had their narrow minded, pre-packaged, assumptive cliches, I just viewed all people as people. And for some reason I seem to attract gay men and I never get tired of getting hit on. Girl or guy. We all want to be appreciated.

[Lynn Marie]

Actually gay men do hit on straight men they find attractive. I've been hit on a lot ever since high school! I used to hate it and avoid gay people like the plague. Now that I often wear a dress and get mistakenly thought of as gay, I have more compassion and understanding and actually enjoy getting "hit upon". It's so easy to explain being straight and attracted to women now without the "fear and loathing" of the past. I find gay folks quite understanding and happy to be accepted as friends. They're actually a pretty delightful bunch!

[I Am Paula]

I have no doubt that some straight men still set off the gay man's gadar. Chemistry or something. My point was just much more general. Most gay men are too polite to offend by hitting on straight guys.

[Barbra P]

I sort of agree with Tina, I suspect that your shaving had less to do with his attitude toward you than his getting to know you and feel comfortable with you over a period of several weeks. Unless something surfaces to indicate that your shaving did have some bearing on his attitude toward you I’d just chalk it up to a coincidence in time.

I worked in a very gay friendly company and I’ve known a number of gay men outside of work as well and my experience has been that if they know you are straight they won’t come on to you. If by chance they aren’t aware that you are straight and they approach you just inform them that you are straight. Again my experience has been that they will be the one who is embarrassed – sometimes to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. I’ve also been amazed a few times when a gay acquaintance went beyond what I would expect a close friend to do in helping me.

I don’t know what your family life is like but inviting this man for Thanksgiving dinner sounds like a very nice gesture. Based on my family life I’d approach him with something like “Hey, if you don’t already have plans for Thanksgiving I’d like to extend an invitation to join us. My Wife and I feel that Thanksgiving dinner is much better when it can be shared with others. We have room at our table, more food than we can eat, and we would be honored to have you join us, and by the way feel free to bring a friend.” I’d only do this if your wife(?) would also be comfortable having this man, and maybe his S.O., over for Thanksgiving dinner.

[Chari]

First - congrats on your weight loss & becoming "buff"! Wondering - has your trainer stated directly he is gay or have you assumed this due to his "friendliness to you as a client? Don't recall any gay guy announcing he is, just as many CDers don't publically state they prefer to "dress". Some individuals enjoy touching others, ie hugs, while for others it is a part of their job. Try to enjoy the personal attention and the positive workout results.

[Ginger Maxim]

First off, lucky you... 2ndly I say just roll with it. What's the harm. He is the one making the initiative... You can stop it at any time. You have the power...Just my thoughts and opinions.

[Beverley Sims]

Just remain friendly and when he tries to pat you on the bum, politely say no. :)

[Linda E. Woodworth]

It is amazing how we don't know how to handle male advances when we're enfemme. I know, I've been there and it scared the hell out of me.

First, YES he is hitting on you.

Just because you dress doesn't mean you are gay or interested. If you're interested fine, but if not politely tell him that. If he is as professional as you say he should accept your comment and continue in a professional relationship.

I understand your comments about improving your physique but you're right, it doesn't help your feminine image at all!

Good Luck!