Why do we feel vulnerable?

[Marcelle]

Only recently beginning to present in public, I am still plagued by that paranoid monkey sitting on my shoulder saying "run, run . . . the pitch forks are coming" . . . stupid monkey can really put a damper on my day not to mention my shopping experience :). Now this got me thinking . . . Why should I be paranoid? I have accepted the fact that people will see me as a guy in women's clothing. With the exception of a few rude comments by small minded individuals, nobody has run over and yelled "Ahh . . . Tranny get him!!!" and , for the most part all my interaction with SAs and others has been positive.

My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable" . . . I was a bit intrigued by the statement and asked her what she meant. She said that women feel vulnerable to a certain degree when out and about and it is likely I am experiencing some of that vulnerability. This could be based on how you feel you look, what you are wearing or just being accepted for who you are. So this got me thinking . . . Why do we (CDers) feel vulnerable?

Now some of you will say "Duh . . . obvious, dude in a dress among the world". But then again, I don't want to direct this question to the obvious and definitely not only those of us who go out but to everyone. Do you feel more vulnerable dressed en femme than en boy? Here is my take on this subject:

Now obvious aside "I am a guy in a dress" taking an introspective approach, I do feel somewhat more vulnerable when dressed en femme more than when I am "en boy". Specifically, I am wearing girl clothes when society says this is not right and this can leave me open to scrutiny, rudeness or potentially violence. I can accept that and should violence ensure I like to think I can take care of business. Now I hold no illusion of a Steven Segal moment and me taking on 15 knuckle draggers and coming out unscathed. However, one or two bad apples would not be an issue. Then again, I have not had violence in any manner pushed in my direction. So even though I may be wearing girl jeans and pretty lingerie underneath, I am still a guy who has the ability to defend himself when required. So . . . if it is not how I am dressed, then why do I feel this vulnerability?

I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am. When I am "en boy" I don't have to win acceptance, I am a guy, people see a guy so my life goes on without issue. However, when I am "en femme" acceptance is not so forth coming. People see guy in women's clothing and I get some odd stares. However, I find my vulnerability is directly proportional to my acceptance gauge. For example, the other day I was out with a GG friend in the mall and we stopped for Starbucks and the girl at the counter said "How are you today ladies". Now, I know she was being kind but it normalized the experience and you know what, my vulnerability dropped. However, shortly afterwards while sitting down and chatting in Starbucks, a family came in and the teenage daughter was pointing me out to her mother and father and all were sharing a bit of a laugh at my expense . . . vulnerability level went up. Later when in a lingerie shop the SA treated me like any other GG so vulnerability dropped again.

Now this does not only translate to me being out. Before taking the plunge and going out I used to dress en femme at home to practice presentation. When I looked in the mirror and said to myself "you look good, not passable but good" I felt less vulnerable and these days were the impetus for me feeling like I could go out in public. On other days, I would look at myself and say "not in a million years and world will eat you alive" . . . vulnerability up and no desire to go out.

Just curious what others opinions/experience are?

Hugs

Isha

[Cynthia Anne]

You ever tried running in six inch heels!!!! ha, ha!

[MonctonGirl]

well you look great, so no worries.

[Ineke Vashon]

Interesting that you, with your strong military background, would ever feel vulnerable. Perhaps shows that there's more to crossdressing than just putting on a nice dress. It changes something within ourselves as well.

Ineke

[Launa]

However, shortly afterwards while sitting down and chatting in Starbucks, a family came in and the teenage daughter was pointing me out to her mother and father and all were sharing a bit of a laugh at my expense . . . vulnerability level went up.

Just curious what others opinions/experience are?

Hugs

Isha

Yeah its hard to take the high road and not have the middle finger go up in these situations.

I've gone into several businesses and have been treated so well that I come out feeling on top of the world. But then I have those moments when I say to myself, "you're a dude in a dress and that's that.

I was outside a hotel a while back and a bunch of young adults went walking by, men and women, about 15 of them. One of the kept saying out loud as they went by, "that's a guy" and repeated it 3 times. I said out loud, "no kidding Einstein but actually I'm a woman trying very hard to look like a man."

I still felt a bit down but I said to myself keep your thick skin on!

[bridget thronton]

Negative comments often hurt in any context (from students about class, from family about food, etc) especially when you feel you tried hard - some of this comes from being field dependent (looking to others for validation)

[Lynn Marie]

Women often feel vulnerable because they are! They are the "weaker sex" and often feel that difference acutely. A big part of a woman's attraction to a man is his ability to protect her. Those of us who are "big boned girls" may run into harassment on occasion, but our smaller sisters who actually pass experience the same vulnerability as women!

[Jenniferathome]

Isha, you have simply substituted the word embarrassed for vulnerable.

No one wants to be embarrassed, ever. If you trip and fall in public, you feel a brief moment of embarrassment even though everyone has had this happen to them, as an example. That embarrassment fades quickly. Your coffee shop example fits here. I think you are over thinking this.

[Tamara Croft]

Women often feel vulnerable because they are! They are the "weaker sex" and often feel that difference acutely. A big part of a woman's attraction to a man is his ability to protect her. Those of us who are "big boned girls" may run into harassment on occasion, but our smaller sisters who actually pass experience the same vulnerability as women! OMG get a clue already, what a load of crap. We aren't the weaker sex, get real!! We have the balls to actually dress how the hell we like and there is no such thing as 'big boned' try actually reading the information, even with a large skeleton, it has ZERO impact on your actual size, it's called 'being overweight'!!!

[Lynn Marie]

OMG get a clue already, what a load of crap. We aren't the weaker sex, get real!! We have the balls to actually dress how the hell we like and there is no such thing as 'big boned' try actually reading the information, even with a large skeleton, it has ZERO impact on your actual size, it's called 'being overweight'!!!

LOL, back at ya! Try getting over yourself and actually talking with a woman some time.

[Tamara Croft]

LOL, back at ya! Try getting over yourself and actually talking with a woman some time. I am a woman :rolleyes: and obviously I talk to women all the time, seeing as my girls are women, my mum is a woman, work colleagues are women... you're not a woman, get over yourself!

[rachael.davis]

i was chatting with my therapist about this a few weeks ago, I think being out leaves us outside of male privledge, and no+ quite part of ladies privledges. so, yeah a bit of caution is not a bad thing

[samanthasolo]

When I went shopping 2 weeks ago I feel I experienced the same thing you described as far as the positive. All the SA's were somewhat great, helpful, friendly, and professional. I was in DSW and there was a mother with 2 daughters, the younger of the two, I will guess she was probably 7 or 8 was kinda looking at me not with an ignorance but it seemed more of a curiosity! I didn't feel vulnerable and I just smiled at her the few times we made eye contact while passing in the aisles. I know for myself that if I dwell on the what if's, self consciousness, fear of violence, ignorant people making rude remarks, who is looking at me funny, and so on...... I wouldn't want to go out of the house. That sounds more vulnerable to me. I feel as if I have control over me when I go out dressed in public and I also do so in as fearless and oblivious mindset as to not worry about what anyone is going to think, say, or react to me being dressed. In my opinion that is probably the best way not to draw any unwanted attention, I focus on ME so I probably see a lot less of all the vulnerable things you mention

[Lorileah]

Women often feel vulnerable because they are! They are the "weaker sex" and often feel that difference acutely. A big part of a woman's attraction to a man is his ability to protect her. Those of us who are "big boned girls" may run into harassment on occasion, but our smaller sisters who actually pass experience the same vulnerability as women!


LOL, back at ya! Try getting over yourself and actually talking with a woman some time.

:facepalm: Two things, you are wrong as to strong vs weak, especially in the modern world... Second thing, you have been here 3 years and you don't know Tamara? Let me introduce you.

In RE: OP, I didn't feel vulnerable when I started going out. Scared maybe but I thought I had the world by the tail. I was 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, wiry but quick. That changed almost a year ago when I actually had to physically subdue a male. No I wasn't out matched strength wise, but I was shall we say exposed. He fought in a way took advantage of my presentation, pulling the skirt of my dress up several times. THAT is feeling vulnerable. Like everyone can see what you have under the clothes. I agree with Jennifer, it is often more embarrassment because we have our own issuyes about being in public we have to work through.

Today, I am more vulnerable. I am more aware that when I am on the street, that I am a target. I am the one who, even when others are around, is obvious. Size doesn't matter. Because of societal gender stereotypes, I am now more visual especially to those who do target others. Also emotionally now I am more vulnerable, things hurt more when said. As a male, I was walled off to prospective partners, now I am open and now I have been hurt more frequently. But that is probably not so much because of my dressing but more my learning to navigate a new life

[Beverley Sims]

I am always on the defensive looking around my circumstance and aware of where my vulnerabilities lie.

[Bria]

Valnerability/embarresment, I think is more acutely felt when we are young and dimishes with age. When one reaches the point of saying, "I don't care what others think of me" then the valnerability/embaressment level goes way down, this however does not mean that the physical strength/size issue disappears, so Isha poses a question that has as many different answers as there are to answer it. It seems that Isha, the social scientist, always has a way of making us all think a little deeper than we have in the past. Thanks Isha for bringing forth such an interesting and provocative question!! Bria

[Alice Torn]

Isha, Thanks for sharing on this. interesting, but a bit scary topic. I think there is truth to what every one wrote. Lorileah, thanks for sharing so deeply. I also feel that as a male, i have had little or no chance for romance and relationship, but as Alice, I get lots of attention from admirers. It is sad, that men are not needed much anymore, but as a CD good looking long tall lady, i receive offers for love. Vulnerability greatly increase as Alice, and fear of disasters with wrong men. I am in guy mode 95% of the time, living a lonely, life. There are sure hazarde to being male, but also hazards to being out dressed as a lady, and hazards to GG's. Differing hazards. With the "knockout game" violence going on in cities, now, it just got more hazardous for all.

[Sophie Yang]

I think that your point about acceptance and “vulnerability” being indirectly proportional to each other is on the mark. There probably is a deep evolutionary component of people desiring acceptance by others that has made man such a social animal. Cross dressing still has such a big negative stigma associated with it and that is why we feel vulnerable.

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest from the trees. The link below shows vulnerability and acceptance in a different context. It applies to us and others who feel vulnerable.

http://www.upworthy.com/the-simple-beautiful-gesture-that-can-turn-a-crowd-to-love-instead-of-hate?c=upw1

Replacing “acceptance” with “positive” reinforcement is another way of looking at vulnerability. One feels less vulnerable when one gets positive reinforcement and more vulnerable when getting negative reinforcement. Enough positive reinforcement makes one feel invincible and constant negative reinforcement can drive one to suicide. Check out the book, Whale done! The Power of Positive Relationships, by Ken Blanchard Yes it is about whales.

[Suzanne F]

I am more vulnerable now. Since coming out to my wife, sister and mother, and several friends I have stripped away some protection. I now get hurt instead of angry. It seems like my real self is out on display. I can't protect her anymore.
However, I really prefer to be this way. The reward of relationships is higher when I am more authentic.

As far as vulnerability in being out, I don't think of it that much. I concentrate on the elation I feel being out as a woman. I have also never experienced any really negative reactions to me as a woman. If that happens I may have a different perspective. At this point I expect to be either treated well or ignored. I hope that expectation never changes.
Suzanne

[Sandra]

Women often feel vulnerable because they are! They are the "weaker sex" and often feel that difference acutely. A big part of a woman's attraction to a man is his ability to protect her.

Oh for gods sake this is the 21st century, we're not the weaker sex nor do we need a man to protect us, but hey I'm only a GG so what would I know.

[Rachelakld]

Relaxed at McDonalds for a coffee
2 weeks ago
3 teenage boys got overly lippy
I had a sudden personality flip
They chose to leave before getting hurt
Another personality flip
Sat down and relaxed with coffee
Other patrons passed with pleasant comments

vulnerable - not really
Subject to ridicule - while it's funny, but once it gets nasty, so do I.

[Michelle789]

They are the "weaker sex"

That is totally sexist. This kind of thinking fuels all sorts of prejudice, including racism, homophobia, and transphobia.



Those of us who are "big boned girls" may run into harassment on occasion, but our smaller sisters who actually pass experience the same vulnerability as women!

Who says you can't pass if you're tall or plus-size. Passing as a woman has far more to do with attitude, feeling, confidence, dressing appropriately, talking, mannerisms, than it does with your size. A thin 5'3 CD can be read as a dude in a dress if he acts like one, and a 6'2 plus-size CD can be read as a woman if she acts like a lady.

[carhill2mn]

I think that most of us would admit to feeling more vulnerable when en femme. That is likely a very good lesson as to how GGs often feel. There are, I am sure, some women who do not feel vulnerable at times. But, I suspect that most have had such experiences.

[Eryn]

Like most intelligent GGs, I avoid places where I am physically vulnerable. What's the fun in a late-night walk through a bad neighborhood if I'm having to be on guard all the time? I'd get no pleasure in relating a tale here about having to "man up" to "trash some bozos" while en femme. Resorting to aggressive male behavior to me is an admission of failure. There are so many places where I can go and enjoy myself in public with safety that I see no point in living dangerously.

Most of the time the only vulnerability I feel while out is to my pocketbook! :)

[Pandys]

I think for me I have put myself in a vulnerable position because of my own desire to dress, but unwillingness to "come out".
Every time I dress, buy something keep clothes hidden or take a pic dressed, I risk loosing all the things I seek to keep by being closeted. It is a scary life, but of my own making. Maybe when I am a bit older I can be "senile" and no one will care.

[CarlaWestin]

Vulnerable - that's the feeling my aggressor gets as I lock on with that "welcome to your worst day ever" eye contact and smile.
The skinny scrapper under the makeup that you just violated is now going to educate you, physically!

[Stephanie Morgan]

My one and only time out and about was in a town about 3 hours from where I live. After having a wonderful time with some TG friends at a cookout held at one of their houses, my beautiful bride and I left to return to the hotel in which we were spending the night. It was about midnight and we both developed a craving for some ice cream. Although I had left the hotel in guy mode, I left the party en femme and we arrived at a Sonic drive in to order some ice cream. Never ever ever having dealt with anyone in public before en femme, I was very nervous but nonetheless placed the order and waited. The young fella that brought out our order was very polite, asking if there was anything else he could get for us ladies. I had been feeling very vulnerable waiting for him to bring our ice cream but when he finished, my feeling of being so vulnerable left.
Upon arriving at our hotel, we were going through a side entrance that was close to the elevator. The bright lights again made that nervous, vulnerable feeling return. As we approached the elevator, a couple approached the elevator and got onto it with us. They never said anything at all, however the girl did look our way for a brief second and then turned away. Being at such close quarters, even for that brief period of time made me feel extremely vulnerable.
As for why I would feel that way, the only answer I could come up with was that being out dressed en femme I am potentially opening myself up for a confrontation with some close minded people. Even though I am somewhat small I am very capable of taking care of myself but the confrontation issue is one that I would rather avoid if at all possible.
On a side note: since letting Stephanie come out into our lives, seems my feelings have become more out in the open and more vulnerable to things in general.
I gotta say I love reading Isha's posts as they always make me think!!

Stephanie

[Eryn]

Stephanie, your feelings are quite normal for someone out for the first time. We are so hyper-aware of our own situation that we think that everyone around us is too.

Let's examine those encounters you experienced. To those people you were just one of dozens of faces they encountered that day. Even if you were perceived as a bit out of the ordinary politeness demanded that they not make a fuss. There are plenty of tall, mannish GGs among us who don't give a second thought to being out and about. Confidence is everything!

[bimini1]

Well I don't know any "weak" women. In fact the GGs I roll with are often stronger than the guys I know. Now I know what the OP is talking about here. A few weeks ago I was out in broad daylight shopping for the first time in years. Interactive with the public and I was fearful going into it but suspended those thoughts long enough to become comfortable. There were some stares, some folks engaged me. There were a few snickers. I also got some compliments and some did not react one way or another. As the day wore on into the afternoon my feelings started to waver from comfort to vulnerable and back again.

If I didn't "think" too hard about what I was doing I was cool about it. But when my own mind got in the way is when I'd start feeling negativity.

[KayleeTaylor]

I have often felt vulnerable or embarrassed and have run from confrontations. I run back home as fast as I can and cry myself into a deep dark depressive state just wishing the world would either accept me for who I am or just move on with their lives.

[ReineD]

My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable" . . .

It's not the same feeling of vulnerability. The only time I feel vulnerable is when I fear being overpowered by someone who is bigger and stronger than I am, for example a break-in during the night, or if I walk down a dark street late at night. The other person might have a weapon. But I do not feel vulnerable at any other time when I'm dealing with men.



So . . . if it is not how I am dressed, then why do I feel this vulnerability?

I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am.

This makes perfect sense. Few of us enjoy being laughed at or ostracized. We do all need to be accepted and respected as human beings. Nothing is scarier to me than facing life alone in the face of people who would dehumanize me based on who I am, not even being attacked and raped by a man who is twice my physical strength.

But the saving grace for crossdressers is, the moment that you engage with someone who would initially laugh and disrespect you (except perhaps for males whose masculinity feels threatened by your presence), you do cease to be a threat to them. Your humaneness shines through and you can and do melt some of their barriers.

[Kate Simmons]

All I can say Isha is how you feel about yourself goes a long way towards relating to the world and the people in it. :battingeyelashes::)

[heidi99]

I, too, enjoy Isha's posts. This one has made me do a little thinking.

I don't think it's physical vulnerability that gives me the butterflies before my outings. I think it's the apprehension of harsh words. As someone earlier stated, words can hurt terribly. Fortunately, I've had way more positive experiences that negative ones.

I think it does boil down to a thirst for acceptance, and the nervousness is rooted in the fact that there are some folk out there that won't be accepting. But I think this is there in most of life. I want to be accepted at work as being competent and a good person to have around. I think venturing out en femme just magnifies the "what if", ya dig?

[Nadine Spirit]

What I have noticed is that when I first go somewhere or do something dressed as a girl for the firs time, I feel a sense of being vulnerable. I have never stated quite that way. I tend to think of it as fear. Now in working through my fears while dressed as a girl, I have noticed that I feel quite fearful many times, not just while dressed. Allowing myself to dress, acknowledging my fears, and working to push past them has taught me much about myself and the world around me. More and more I really understand the statement that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

[Allison Quinn]

"I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am. When I am "en boy" I don't have to win acceptance, I am a guy, people see a guy so my life goes on without issue. However, when I am "en femme" acceptance is not so forth coming"

This. I want to be accepted for who I am or not so much accepted just to be left alone :P Your experiences prove that people like us attract attention unless we pass 100%. I'm terrified of going out because I know that even if I am read by just one person I am going to have a terrible reaction internally. So I feel vulnerable not because people don't just accept me but moreso because of the sheer amount of threats in the world that come my way if I am read. Of course they still exist no matter how I am presented but I just have a feeling that I do not need to bring even MORE attention to myself. I just want to blend in and be myself and be looked at as female but in the event that I was presenting female and I was read as male and people said things at my expense I honestly don't know how I would react :( So when I go out in public I go out in a male shell because that is what makes me feel vulnerable:(

[dominique]

My take on this is when we go out dressed our 'spider sense' goes up quite a few more notches than normal. We're more aware of our surroundings and that leads to our feelings of being more vunerable.

[sometimes_miss]

for the most part all my interaction with SAs and others has been positive.
Well, what about for the lesser of that part? Then by default, those would be negative. Right?

My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable"

That's something most guys lose as we grow up; it's not only the constant feeling that there are so many people around us that could take advantage of us, or literally pound us into the pavement with little effort; but for women, the potential for sexual assault is always there too, and as such a large percentage of them routinely wear clothes that accentuate their attraction, they're almost constantly under the observation of one male or another who they feel wants to do something sexual to them. Now, it rarely actually happens, but just that feeling that someone's looking at you with sexual desire (whether he's actually doing so or not, that's how women usually see it when they feel a guy staring near them for more than a second or so).

Why do we (CDers) feel vulnerable?
Because when we become 'out', we open ourselves to not only potential assault, but also financial, professional and personal ruin as well. There are still a lot of even normally tolerant people who do not want anything to do with us personally. I've experienced lost friends, relatives becoming increasingly out of contact once they know things about me that they don't feel comfortable with. I've seen people lose their jobs because those in management and/or more senior positions aren't comfortable with their sexual orientation (though that was not the primary reason, when two equal workers exist and one must be laid off, then the 'intangibles' of course are used to make the decision, whether it shows up on paper or not).

Lots of people here pretend that these things don't exist. That we are never in any physical danger because we crossdress. That everyone is tolerant and accepting of what we do and what we are. That the laws will protect us against any prejudicial behavior. Etc..

Yet, in our subconscious, we all know the potential repercussions of crossdressing in public. And that's why we feel vulnerable.

[makin' it real]

To those who say women are not the weaker sex, the evidence suggests otherwise. The average US woman weighs 166 lbs, of which about 35% is skeletal muscle. The average US man weighs 195 lbs, of which about 42% is skeletal muscle. Since skeletal muscle mass is directly correlated with strength, the average woman with 58 lbs of muscle is significantly weaker than the average man with 82 lbs of muscle. On average, men have 40% more muscle than women.

Of course some women are stronger than some men, but on the whole the difference is substantial. There are many characteristic physical differences between men and women, none of which mean “better than” or “worse than.” Acknowledging that generally women are physically weaker than men in no way denigrates women, just as I am not diminished as a person when someone points out that I am shorter than the average man. Vive la différence!

~Rachel