Not a 'Hey, I passed' thread.

[I Am Paula]

My wife and I are on a grudgingly accepting room mates basis, so it is unfathomable that she would say something flattering about my transition. She said something at the mall last week that made my head spin, because it was something my accepting sisters might say, to humour/flatter me, but not her.

After we left a store, my wife said 'You know that SA knew you were a guy'.
I said 'All of them know, they see my presentation, realize it's part of my identity, and treat me accordingly. It's a courtesy'.
She paused for a few beats. 'No they don't, I deal with all the same people you deal with. They think you're a woman start to finish, look in the mirror some time.'

My sister, my friends, both GG and trans, have told me this over and over. We all like the compliment, but when I look in the mirror, although I admit I look younger than I did a year ago (Hormones, and good skin care), and my hair is finally how I want it, I still just see male ole me.

Perhaps I couldn't pass the scrutiny of say, a dinner out, or a long conversation, it seems that in a short, non personal interaction, as in clothes shopping, some people are seeing me as I have always wished to be seen.

Are we our own worst critics? Can we not see our own evolution/transition? Does everyone tell us what we want to hear, out of some sort of sympathy?

[stefan37]

I believe WE are our own worst critics. It is hard to see the changes we undergo because they are subtle and take place over many months. Some tell us what they think we want to hear to be kind, but many others tell us genuinely how they perceive us.

[Angela Campbell]

It all worked differently for me. One day a long time ago - a year and a half or so - I dressed from head to toe for the first time with clothes, wig and makeup and looked in the mirror.

On that day something happened inside of me. Yes I had a little breakdown but that wasn't it. For the first time in my life I looked in the mirror and did not see a man. The next day I looked into the same mirror with no makeup or wig or clothes and I still saw the girl not the man. It scared the world out of me because I was sure I missed the makeup or something. No I didn't.

Every day after that I still saw the girl looking back no matter how hard I tried not to. I finally realized she was really really me. That faded as the weeks went by and the man started appearing sometimes. Then it got to be less and less I would see him. Now I only see me. He is gone from my mind now. He was a sweet man but he was the illusion not me.

[kimdl93]

I believe that most people tell us what they think. A smaller number will sugar coat it.

[I Am Paula]

Angela- Strangely, I see the woman at the end of the day, in front of the mirror, as I take off my earrings, makeup, and do my cleansing routine. It's when I start fresh, in the morning, that the guy stares back at me.

[mary something]

I can't answer for anyone else but I'm definitely my own worst critic.

[Ann Louise]

I'm freaked now after this FFS. "He who shall remain unnamed" is gone without a trace. But I look back in the mirror right now at a combo of Welsh-Scandinavian-Baltic cross-channel hybrid womanhood, all swollen up like a pie plate. I'll have to trust that the characteristics of my two dearest ancestors, family photos handed down from my great grandmother from Wales, and my grandmother from Lithuania, will emerge true to form as this freakin' swelling goes down.

Those Viking lads did know how to pick 'em I'm told. We'll see.

In for a penny, in for a pound girls. I'm all in, that's for sure, and I love it, come what may.

)0( Ann )0(

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just wait Ann Louise ...you are going to be amazed (in a good way)

and then you'll get used to it and never look back...

[KellyJameson]

There is an aspect to passing that is the other side of the coin of failing to be a man in my opinion.

You live without what ever that stuff is that makes others men that you knew was not in you as a child that made you feel different.

Most end up rejecting this by suppressing their natural selves but for those who were never able to lose it or were able to rediscover it than passing can be less of a struggle because you find presenting as a woman comfortable.

It is not a conscious presentation of always being worried about doing or saying the right thing but a letting go of pretense.

It is a leap of faith and letting go of fear to get to this place and in this place you do not fear others so begin to enjoy them as an extensive of now being comfortable in your own skin.

If you do not have this than feminine beauty will fail and betray you.

Passing is as much as about what happens on the inside as the relationship you have with yourself so shapes your relationships with others as what is physically presented on the outside.

It can be just as deadly to worry to much about being "experienced" as a woman as it is not to be concerned enough.

It is a balancing act but effortless when it is real and not false.

The more you experience yourself as a woman the greater the chance others will if you can present a reasonable physical presentation.

It is not only about bone structure even though that is important.

Very young children throughout my life would usually "experience me" as a woman so they would "see a woman"

This same thing affects adults.

Perception is more than just what we see.

[Inna]

Living through rebirth is like walking the edge of a skyscraper only to have a rail beneath our feet, on one hand a solid familiar ground we so dread, on the other void of abyss and at the bottom, perceived end point, both sides at the focus, both seemingly untouchable.

While I have a privilege of speaking from experience, I also can attest to Delusional Bliss being at the core and being a necessary part of my path.

Delusional Bliss, to feel as though reality is far better then it really is!

But such delusion does make for possibility of waking up yet another day to go at it again and again. Without it, non of this would be possible. I remember countless RESETS, a points in time when I truly realized how I am really doing. OMG, these were the utmost dreadful depressive realizations, but only because I had this blind force behind me, pushing forth, telling me, yes the end is in your sights.

As I look back, and remember sympathetic folks telling me how womanly I looked, and I didn't need surgery, and I glimpse unto old photos, I cringe my teeth tight, as the person on these photos does not resemble woman by a mile!
On the other hand, as I go about my day interacting with as many as 300 folks in a day, due to my job, I am interacted with on every level, as a woman a GG, I still feel at times that I do see dreaded "he" in the mirror.

Oh well, dysphoria, such an evil mechanism, such a burden to overcome.......

[Nicole Erin]

Here is the thing -
If people are calling us "she" then either we pass or they are being polite. Even if they know we are Ts but being polite, is it really that bad? I mean people being polite is as good as all-out passing as far as I am concerned.

But yes, most TS do still see "him" in the mirror. Just because we know where we came from. We don't "feel" any different, just look a bit different. We cannot fool ourselves.

Once you develop enough confidence, the rare instances of people being shits about it like, "HAHA look, that is a dude in a dress!" won't even bother you.

[I Am Paula]

Nicole Erin- That was exactly my point. I have always assumed that EVERYBODY was just being polite. When my accepting friends tell me differently, I'm sure THEY are just being polite. When my 'I hate everything to do with transition, and yours in particular', wife tells me different, I have to think there is something to it.
Either way, I'll take it.

The guy in the mirror will probably always be there. At least I am quite happy with my appearance, and he doesn't bother me. (sometimes I mock him when he's not looking.)

[Angela Campbell]

I have found my best critic....my Mother. She is always polite and never hurtful, but she will not lie to me and will quickly point out anything wrong with my appearance, mannerisms, or dress. She doesn't always agree with my tastes but she does give very helpful criticism, and possible solutions.

She is really not too keen on me getting facial surgery but she is going to go with me.

[steph1964]

I am absolutely my worst critic. People always treat me like a female, call me ma'am, open doors (this has happened a lot recently :-) ). Yesterday a couple at the grocery store were discussing whether there was a difference between yams and sweet potatoes and the women said "I will ask this lady" and turned to ask me.

I am sure that people know but treat me this way because I present as a female and they are being polite. I maybe pass in a crowded restaurant but not up close. But my friends disagree and tell me that I pass most of the time. I have a hard time believing this. Even when I am feeling confident, a quick look in the mirror usually bursts that bubble.

[Chickhe]

We are our own worst critics, but I think it is a good tact to take, to assume everyone knows... that way there is no disappointment. In the few times I've gone out, I can tell when people believe I am female...its the way they smile and their subtle body language that is different. The other side of the coin, if you are read and don't approve you will see their expression change. Otherwise you don't know...and its best if you make no assumptions.

[PaulaQ]

I seem to pass most of the time in full makeup. Without it - not at all.

I am definitely my own worst critic. In the morning, when I wake up, or when I go to bed at night are the worst. I look in the mirror, and the face of death stares back at me. It is a significant source of dyshporia for me at this point.

http://www.casa3d.net/Scotts_Files/scott-portrait-sm2.jpg
Mr. Death

The funny thing is several people tell me my female presentation is better now - but more and more, I see the above starting to crack through it. It is not fun.

[Rianna Humble]

I looked so rubbish, the camera refused to take my photo :eek: