Work Question----

[vikki2020]

For those of you that have transitioned at work; how did you make the "switch"? Did you gradually get more femme in your appearance, until it became more obvious, and something had to give, or, after dealing with H.R., leave work on Friday, as "Joe", and come in Monday as "Joan"? Or,maybe a bit of each? I'm kind of going with option #1 here, and it seems to be going ok. Still haven't figured out how to close the deal yet. What was your experience? Any suggestions?

[Badtranny]

You really need to take yourself and your transition a little more seriously than that. That passive aggressive stuff just doesn't work.

I told everyone that I was transitioning but I never presented as a woman until I finally went full time about a year later. In the meantime I was growing my hair and getting electrolysis. When I left work for FFS and BA everybody knew I was going to come back as Melissa.

There were no games. Just honest and direct communication about what was happening and what was going to happen. Transition should mean the end of duplicity and shame not the beginning of more secrets.

[Angela Campbell]

I wanted to control the transition at work as much as possible. I did not want to slowly change and have people thinking or talking about whatever they may come up with on their own.

I used an anonymous e mail address to contact the global VP of HR and asked about the companies policies and views of a medically supervised transition in the workplace. After several discussions which were positive I told them who I was and began the process. I have had meetings with the management team and they are behind me completely, because I approached this as a medical matter, diagnosed by medical and mental health care professionals and undergoing a treatment supervised by a team of healthcare professionals. I used the meetings to educate them on the subject of GD, and transition and at this point they are 100% supportive. We have made plans to address this with the entire workforce and my co workers after the first of the year.

At the time my name is legally changed and I acquire new ID as Angela with the F designation that is when I will appear at work as a woman, until that day I will present as a man. No in between.

In my case it was essential that I was able to keep this as a medical matter and use the time to educate them on the subject so they are working with me from a platform of knowledge rather than one of bias and ignorance.

[Kimberly Kael]

I wound up going with a bit of each, but it helped that I was pretty androgynous from day one. Wearing simple, small earrings and other aspects of my slow fade toward feminine expression weren't entirely out of character, so it wasn't a big deal. I do think it's unwise to drift far enough into neutral territory that it starts making people uncomfortable without offering any explanation. I worked carefully with HR months ahead of time to pick out a date when I'd make an announcement so we could work backwards and bring my management chain up to speed beforehand, get systems updated, etc.

I had plenty of time to prepare an announcement message that set a very positive tone with input from people close to me. When I finally did send it out, it was a few weeks before a holiday break. People had a chance to come and talk to me beforehand, and some chose to do so. Then I left on a two week vacation with everyone knowing in advance that I'd be returning to work as a woman. And that was it.

[vikki2020]

Thanks for the input. Let me give you a little more info on the situation. I work at a bank, that was taken over by the FDIC,5 years ago, back when that was happening a lot. We were a stand alone, bank, with about 100 employees. Now, we are one of 15 branches---with all the "bosses", and HR in a distant suburb. There are less than 20 people at my branch now, and most of them are "survivors", of the take-over. So, I'm there 15 years now, and most of them are the same, or even longer. Mostly woman,too. We have a manager, but, they seem to change often. I feel that I have to get their--the original employees-- approval first---hence, the subtle changes in my appearance. Actually, not all that subtle lately. My hair is past my shoulders now, and all the little things,like nails, brow, hairless arms, etc. Half of my work clothes are womans clothes now, although not super obvious. "Skinny" pants, and polo tops--but woman's polo's. We have a bond, being from the old bank, and a "work family". My feeling is that when it gets comfortable at our branch, I can go to HR, with more confidence. Our H.R. department, really has no clue,to the everyday happenings at any of the branches, and I worry that they will not get a true feeling about the situation. I get your point ,Melissa, but, I think I am taking this pretty seriously-or, I wouldn't be trying to do this. So, I'm showing up to work more,and more as a woman, and no one has said anything, and I'm thinking that it seems to be working in it's own way. I'm kind of known as a free spirit anyway--HQ included, so, maybe no one is surprised. I don't know--- I really don't need anything official from HR, or do I? I do my job as well as ever, just look nicer doing it.

[thechic]

I just gradually transitioned at work over several years Haven't finish though,as time went on the boss called me in one day, and asked me what was going on, I asked what did you mean. He told me the clients love your work but they think you are a woman, I then explained to him what was happening ,and Im still there today with everybody excepting me as a woman , doing a guys job.

[Kimberly Kael]

My feeling is that when it gets comfortable at our branch, I can go to HR, with more confidence.

Of course you risk things getting uncomfortable at the branch, and then it's too late to set the tone with HR.


Our H.R. department, really has no clue,to the everyday happenings at any of the branches, and I worry that they will not get a true feeling about the situation.

On the other hand, if they're at all competent they understand the importance of creating a welcoming environment for a diverse workforce. That's pretty fundamental, bedrock HR stuff. They're also responsible for protecting your employer from potential lawsuits, and Chicago has specific protection for both gender identity and expression (http://www.genderadvocates.org/links/Chicago%20Amendment.pdf). None of this means that you won't have a particularly clueless HR person, of course, so you have to follow your own instincts – but it's worth evaluating the risks associated with both approaches. I've read far more horror stories from people who have just tried to sneak a slow change in under the radar. There is almost always a point at which you go from feminine male to that awkward middle state where nobody knows how to relate to you, because we all subconsciously try to gender people definitively. Being up front about it and giving people time to get used to the idea seems to work out better, based purely on anecdotal evidence.

[Ann Louise]

Vikki,

I tried the androgynous shift at first. But not a cross-dresser thing, not an "underdresser" thing. It was cotton undies from the big-box store all the way. This was past all that fetish stuff. I was just trying to feel normal and ok about being out in public. I was hating the guy stuff by then, and my personal diary was that of a crazy person. The drab uniform, lack of a smile, no hugs or true well wishes, the "hey dude" thing all day long. The square-shouldered hunker-down about "manly things" that I actually never ever gave a $h!t about. Yuk. So it was nice colorful dress shirts, "slacks" that were actually very nice woman's slacks and jeans from Value Village and Goodwill, stockings that were really knee-highs, and even stealth "Mary Jane" shoes that, now that I think of it, really fooled no one, especially the GGs. I stopped getting haircuts and strategically grew it out with an eye towards long, nice hair later, and permanently dyed it L'oreal Superior Preference Natural Blond (I still do, and I love it).

A dear gay man friend of mine finally leaned over my cube wall one morning over coffee and said "hey ___," why don't you just come out and say that you're gay? I mean, after all, this is Seattle after all!" Holy moly, that's when I really had to take stock. and my counseling sessions with my gender counselor took a particular, pointed direction thereafter. In fact it manifested it fully in that I DID NOT WANT TO ENTER THE MEN'S RESTROOM, at all, ever. I started taking the elevator down to a public floor where I knew no one, scooted past the urinals to the stalls, and after a fast hand wash, got the heck out of there.

That's when I formulated my coming out letter, contacted my branch director, HR, and the Seattle Human Rights Commission. My letter's in the sticky in the head of this forum section, as are a couple of other excellent examples.

I didn't actually choose dear, I was compelled.

You're in the right place for support Vikki. Keep talking, keep listening, and we'll keep responding. We're all different with unique histories, but we're all in this together.

)0( Ann )0(

[stefan37]

You may be altering your looks and looking more feminine. However that its but a small piece of the pie. Howwill you handle name change, email change and the list goes on. HR Really needs to be informed and have a plan in place. Not having a plan and management support can result in unfavorable actions or reactions. Your call!!

[emma5410]

I told the management in October, all the staff in January, took a week off and came back as Emma. Until then I dressed and acted like a man. I had let my hair grow and got a few comments but that was it.
I really think you need to be up front with your HR. If you are definitely planning to go full time then you should let them in on it. It gives them the time to take advice and plan ahead.
I am in the UK and the company do a session on company policy relating to equality and diversity every couple of years. Gender had become a protected characteristic since the last session so it gave them the opportunity to run the session and mention that Gender was now included. We have two women's toilets in the company and they brought forward the refurbishment of one of them in case my using them was an issue to anyone.
I was worried about telling the management. I had known most of them 15 years and officially announcing it felt like burning my bridges. I was worried I would panic afterwards and regret it. It was actually a big relief.

[Nigella]

I was open and honest from the day I applied. I was engaged by the company knowing that I was a crossdresser, who presented 24/7. They were informed of this before I even made the application for a post. Their one concern was that I would flit between him and her. Working with autistic adults, they were concerned about the conflict this would arouse in the Service Users. After assuring them that I was going to stay 24/7, it was OK, you got a job. As I moved on the TG pathway, becoming more TS than CD as I began to realise my future, I kept the company informed, at the same time, making everyone aware that I worked with. Once I knew that I would transition, I approached the Company with a view to ensuring that everyone knew of my intentions.

We, that is the company and I, agreed a letter that would be sent to all the employees, telling them of my status of being a woman and that I would begin the process of transition in situ. All staff were informed that they could, if they wished, ask myself or Sandra, who worked at the same company at the time, any questions and they would be answered honestly.

When I took time out for SRS, the word was passed around what was happening, and like everything else that has gone on since I began my transition, it was a non event as far as my colleagues were concerned.

[Angela Campbell]

Vikki, the way you are going about it may work fine, but the bottom line is HR does see what is going on they likely have noticed and there is very likely talk behind the scenes even if no one has said a word to you. Are you comfortable with the management not knowing what is going on and having who knows what assumptions on what is going on?

So my questions are, do you plan to completely transition and live as a woman? Is this your end point or do you intend to be more fluid and somewhere in between? Complete transition would normally involve a name change and other legalities in which HR will have to be a part of, and giving them time to prepare is always a good idea.

[vikki2020]

I just gradually transitioned at work over several years Haven't finish though,as time went on the boss called me in one day, and asked me what was going on, I asked what did you mean. He told me the clients love your work but they think you are a woman, I then explained to him what was happening ,and Im still there today with everybody excepting me as a woman , doing a guys job.

You all have given me a lot to think about, and my thanks! In the back of my mind, I guess this is the outcome I'm looking for, in a way. Yes, my goal is to be a full time girl, yet, still be fluid in my presentation, for practical matters--my job sometimes requires me to do the dirty work, and dress for that,lol. HR is in touch with the branches, but, very rarely make any type of visits. I've been out to HQ many times, and at the least,they have all noticed the hair. You have convinced me that some kind of dialog will be necessary, so, I'll prepare for that. Actually, the girls at the branch have been taking to calling me "Bobby",now----instead of "Bob"---in a very friendly manner. So, I think I'm getting the point across. That's another idea---just go with "Bobbie", and the name change won't be needed? I do have a good feeling about whatever comes next though!