Dressing Around the SO?

[JuliaM]

Question to those with spouses that support our feminine side. I came out to my wife three months ago. She is supportive up to a point. We shop together, she's shown me make up tricks, we talk shoes over wine - she is loves me in girl mode. However, she doesn't want to see me dressed - she is concerned that once she me she will lose her sexual desire.

I'm bursting to dress more/go out/meet others but I also love my wife and want to include her in all of my activities.

Anyone been here?

[Rogina B]

Doesn't seem like you are completely communicating...Seems like you are a few pages ahead of her in the book...

[Stephanie Morgan]

Hi Julia,

While I haven't been in quite the same situation (my beautiful bride jumped in with both feet so to speak), we talked about expectations and where this was going etc. Just my opinion but I would take it nice and slow for the sake of your SO. 3 months is really not a long time at all and it cannot be easy for an SO to wrap their head around that bit of information. The fact that your SO will shop with you, share make up tips and talk shoes is a good thing. Don't spoil it by pushing too fast. It's easy to get caught up in the pink fog but also remember what is truly important.
Best wishes,
Stephanie

[JuliaM]

Doesn't seem like you are completely communicating...Seems like you are a few pages ahead of her in the book...

I've shared everything with her...came completely clean - one of the most liberating moments of my life. I've known her for 27 years (since we were 13).One point, I don't have any desire to share the bedroom en femme. I was very clear with her about this.

[Jillian Faith]

Give her time, my wife didn't want to see me dressed either at first. Not only can I dress in front of her now but we have gone shopping as girlfriends.

[JuliaM]

It's easy to get caught up in the pink fog but also remember what is truly important.

Agreed. At this point she wants me happy - but also stated that me being happy in what I choose doesn't translate to us remaining married.

[Beverley Sims]

Just keep talking and eventually you will make inroads into her psyche.
Acceptance, then curiosity takes over from aprehension.
It is a slow laborious process.
All the best.
Have patience.

[Lucy_Bella]

Awe yeah.... It's called the "Pink Fog"...Do not let it consume you or it may become your demise.. Instead play it smart ,play i it cool.. There will be time to express just don't do it all at once..

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree with going slow. Slow and steady wins the race. Just continue to be open and honest with who you are and where you are at and give her time.

You could also go out without her. I know how much I enjoy being out with my wife, but I have also done plenty without her around.

[Rachelakld]

Had lunch with wife while fully dressed, but around the house my max is leggings and cotton LBD or fem singlet.
No bra, wigs, makeup

[~Joanne~]

When I dress, I fully dress and my SO doesn't have a problem with it at all. It's still me , not much has change other than how I am presenting that day.

[Sandra]

Take it slow and continue to talk to her about it. One thing you could try is to ask her if she'd like to help you get ready, let her choose what you wear, your makeup etc, if she is part of it then it just might help her.

[Lynn Marie]

I feel as if I can understand your wife's feelings on this. If when she sees you dressed and her first feeling is that you look foolish, you're screwed. You're not the hunky boy guy she married any more and you'll have to dig your way out of that hole. On the other hand, if she feels you look attractive she may feel jealous of the "other women" or intrigued with her new girlfriend. I'd be careful here.

[Raychel]

Been there, Done that, Go slow, In time she may be more accepting and things will change.
but if you push too hard she may just reject you completely,
and you don't want to go there.....

[Heather-Hill]

Hi Julia, your situation is a mirror of mine. My wife is adamant she does not want to see me dressed as that will be a turnoff as she did not marry a woman. However she has come around a little recently insofar as she has donated her duplicate makeup and a scarf, and oh yes, some costume jewellery. progress is slow but steady but at least it's progress! The Pink Fog
That's often referred to is real, I am very often in it and very happy with it but it's an obstacle with my SO.
Love Heather

[sweetshauna]

I guess you see the recurring theme here is time. Having a supportive S/O my self, All I can contribute is to agree with everyone who says give it time.
Don't overwhelm her, let her warm up to it herself. Ya gotta admit that it's a lot for her to wrap her head around. So take it easy, and don't get lost in the fog.

[EllenJo]

Julia, it does take time. I know time can seem relative and that 3 months sounds like a long time but in many cases it can take years if complete acceptance happens at all. In my case we moved from underdressing is ok to I know you dress but I never want to see you dressed ever. To you can dress but I do not want to see wig, makeup or breast forms. To yes you can dress anyway you want but I still leave off the wig and makeup around the house because I know it bothers her. This all took close to 20 years. My wife is near and dear to me and I did not want to lose her. In my case patience was fine as I was dealing with acceptance of myself at the same time. Just don't let the pink fog move you too fast or she may decide to go another direction. Good Luck
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[linda allen]

I suspect my wife would rather see me dressed as a male, but I dress as a female around her quite often. She doesn't complain. Does it affect her sexual desire towards me? At our age that's hard to say. I suspect age has more to do with it than dressing.

[Confucius]

Your wife is trying to be supportive to your needs. She is testing her own tolerance limits. You need to do your best to live within her tolerances, and slowly, slowly, she will come around. You have to realize that she has needs too. (1) She needs to be held and loved by a man. (2) She needs to feel secure, and know that things are under control. (3) She needs to love a man she can respect and honor. Those are all basic for woman.

She has some fears about your cross-dressing. She wants to know where this is going. Is it going to escalate into something bigger. Is your cross-dressing going public? What should she do if her friends, family, etc all find out - will she lose respect for you? Will you love cross-dressing more than you love her? Will you develop a female alter-ego and give "her" a feminine name? Will she have to refer to you in feminine terms? Do you want her to become a lesbian? (She will divorce you over that.) She absolutely needs to feel that this is kept under control, or she will lose all sense of stability in her life.

You need to tell her that she is the most important thing in your life. You need to tell her that you do not want to do anything that would cause her to lose respect for you as a man. She should contact other wives of cross-dressers to get an idea of how others manage this in their lives. You should also help her understand that you are a normal, healthy, heterosexual guy with one little kink hard-wired in your brain. Your brain is hard-wired to release dopamine and other neurotransmitters when you cross-dress. Then these neurotransmitters produce sensations of comfort, well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification, and personal fulfillment. Your brain was hard-wired this way during early childhood - probably because you craved your mother's attention, and your brain is hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as contact with a female. An early childhood perception becomes reality because of the sensations from the neurotransmitters.

[Judith96a]

I'm bursting to dress more/go out/meet others but I also love my wife and want to include her in all of my activities.

Anyone been here?

Whoa there tiger (or should that be tigress?). She's had a whole 3 months to process the fact that the guy whom she has known for 27 years has a feminine side that she didn't know about! Male brain thinks "I've come clean, I've told her, she didn't run for the hills - indeed she's kinda supportive. Happy days, lets get on and enjoy this new found freedom!" Meanwhile what's she thinking? I don't know exactly, cos my brain is fairly male too, but I guess that she loves you and she's trying to get some sort of handle on this pink fog of yours! (Ever tried fitting handles on a patch of fog?)

Give her some time. Give her some control. Tell her what you want, tell her what you're hoping for (e.g. that in time she'll want to see what Julia looks like) but also reassure her that you're not going to force the issue (repeating the assuring as often as required). Ensure that she can still see the man whom she married. But most of all, remember that you've turned her world upside down and given it a good shake (just like those snowflake balls) so be patient and gentle and WAIT.

And re-read Confucius' post above - much more eloquent than me!

Remember, you're one of the fortunate ones to have a SO that's even moderately supportive.

[Di]

I've shared everything with her...came completely clean - one of the most liberating moments of my life. I've known her for 27 years (since we were 13)..

So she has known for 3 only months.....and you knew this about yourself for how long?
Kudos for telling her but please please please let her take this AT HER PACE.

Being pushed into things you are not ready for can make a wife who wants to support her hubby come to HATE that part of him.

So remember it is about you BOTH....not just you.......and in 3 months you have acceptance others would give anything for.
Maybe invite her here and she can have others to talk to.

[audreyinalbany]

I'll play devil's advocate here....Time is not necessarily the great panacea so many seem to think it his. My wife has known about my dressing for the better part of thirty years. She had no desire to see me dressed then and no desire to see me dressed now. Just because a woman 'accepts' this part of you it doesn't necessarily follow that she's interested in participating. it' sone thing to talk about it, another to see it in real life.

[Taylor186]

but I also love my wife and want to include her in all of my activities.

It's great that you offer to include her in all your activities, but why force her if she doesn't want to.

I like motorcycling. My wife doesn't mind if I ride but she doesn't want to. So I motorcycle solo and I get what I want and she gets what she wants. That's love to me.

[samanthasolo]

Aside from a wife's accepting it is really her decision to set the ground rules when it comes to how she will or will not be involved when it comes to our dressing! From my own experience with my wife talking about things sets all the ground rules, we both realize that we both have to be able to not only see to our own needs but also the needs of each other. There are times where she might tell me to go get dressed, maybe because she might sense that I might need to do that at the moment, other times I might feel the urge and she might say she doesn't want to be a part of it, and others it is just spontaneous or just matter of timing! One thing that seems to be a constant right now is that she doesn't want to be involved if I want to go to an event but of course that could always change depending on what she might feel comfortable with at whatever situation presents itself. Communication and flexibility are the most important factors always!

[Gillian Gigs]

It will be 20 years this next spring since I came out to my SO. There has been a slow and steady progression forward through all of the years. It has now reached the point that I dress as I wish around the home. We shop together and she helps me in finding clothes in my size, etc. In her last compliment to me she said, "you look very nice, but I wouldn't want you going out dressed like that". Even when she knows that I would never go out fully dressed, that old need for reassurance is still there. Many CD's push at the barriers and limits, and this can greatly increase the fear factor within their wifes. You need to agree together on your boundries, limitations for dressing, and live within them. This will help to remove any fears that are inside her.

[JamieG]

You seem to actually have a pretty good deal for being out only 3 months. I wouldn't push it if I were you. If the issue is dressing more and meeting others, can you arrange to have night away from each other once a month or once a week. She can go out with her girlfriends and you can go meet your girlfriends. My wife also doesn't like to see me dressed (it's usually less than once a year), but supports me going out with my TG friends.

[Krissyrotogirl]

I have similar issues, I recently came out to my SO. We had a pretty lengthy talk about why I crossdress. I really didn't have a good explanation other than I feel so much more like myself. We didn't really talk ground rules like when and where I could dress but I feel like we need to someday, I am just scared she would "ban" me from dressing around her. I only wear leggings, a t-shirt, and bra with breastforms around her anyways. I have tried to slowly push boundries but still am a bit scared/nervous/humilated to dress around her because her acceptance is very important to me. All I can say is keep talking to your SO and work out a compromise, I should really take some of my own advice!!:)

[daviolin]

It took my wife about 4 years to get to a place where we both were happy. Even still, I have to watch my P's and Q's. I don't want to get into a big rant about my experience's. Because we all have different situations and emotions. Just take it a day at a time, and life will be good. Daviolin

[stacey.eyes]

"Support" would be too strong a word for my spouse. "Tolerate" is more like it. She's known about Stacey for a couple of years now, and just that disclosure has been a great relief. I can now have a closet of my own and buy things without sneaking around. She has even given me a couple of items of jewelry and some cosmetics she no longer wants, which was thrilling to me. She has seen me dressed a couple of times, but doesn't really want to do that. Our arrangement is that I can go out every month or so with my meetup group, but I know not to push it much beyond that and to give her plenty of notice. And she's open to listening, at least a little, when I want to talk about girl stuff. My advice is to proceed cautiously. It can take a long time to repair the damage of overreaching.

[suchacutie]

Only three months...for her. A lot longer for you. For her this is still theoretical in may way. By not seeing you it stays theoretical. Give her time to become curious, and the meantime don't rush. Be delighted the day she asks about your femme self because you hadn't brought it up in a while. Also, be aware that she doesn't want to "solve" this issue, she wants to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it. Keep the conversation open, but only the conversation and not solutions or new milestones or anything of the like. Be patient.

just my 2cents :)

[kimdl93]

Give her time to wrap her mind around it. Three months isn't much time at all to adjust. If you can, talk about what dressing in her company would mean to how you feel...and emphasize that you are the same person, regardless of clothes.

[JuliaM]

Thanks all for the kind replies. I know I have it very good. Confucius said it best...where is it going? She is my best friend...we have known each other for 27 years. Having your best friend as your SO is incredible as we know so much about each other and can talk hours on end. This is the reason I stated I want to include her in everything. To not share goes against the foundation of our relationship. She keeps stating she doesn't get why the urge. I continue to research and share things that I hope will help. Right now its about her...

Pink fog...I call it girl mode. My wife loves the fog just not with the clothes.

[Jeninus]

However, she doesn't want to see me dressed - she is concerned that once she me she will lose her sexual desire.

A number of things come to mind, considering she's only known about this for three months. First, she may be worried that you're gay or bi - usually the first question that has to be answered to her satisfaction. Second, she may feel somewhat betrayed in that she didn't know about this before she married you - and she may feel she didn't sign on for this. She may be worried that she's now on the slippery slope to being married to someone who will move steadily toward transitioning to womanhood. (Some of our TS friends tell us that the difference between a CD and a TS is two years.) The sexual desire issue likely stems from her own lack of desire to be part of a lesbian relationship - if she senses that's where this...at least symbolically...is where it's leading. Finally, she may see your desire to dress as a slap in the face to her femininity. She needs reassurance on all of these issues, so spend plenty of time talking these points out with her. If you're successful, you'll have a very happy marriage.