The Return of Fear (TS responses only)

[LeaP]

I've moved forward bit by bit as I've needed to, as I've discovered things about myself, and as I've felt myself forced (choices to be sure, but with consequences for the roads not taken). Each time, while I could not predict outcomes, I didn't feel confidence exactly, but sort of a faith in doing the right thing and, to the point of this thread, no fear.

So it was with some surprise that I recently experienced a surge of fear and intense discomfort when researching FFS and SRS. It produced something of a flight reaction, inmixed with feelings of emotional distress, for lack of a better word. And this with material that I've read before and on which I was simply refreshing myself! That's doubly odd since I've never had a reaction like that in regard to these procedures. I have no fear of surgery generally. (Don't get me started on needles, though.)

I have also had some similar surges regarding RLE. Now with that, I once had a fairly high level of honest-to-God raw fear ... but had gotten over it. I was looking forward to it in a way, in fact. The unimaginable became imaginable, then preferable. What came "back" wasn't the original fear, but that same vague feeling of emotional distress and unease I described above.

Thinking about all this, I see a familiar pattern - of fearing success. The closer I get, the more uncomfortable I become and the more I procrastinate. I can deal with it in a work context, though I still feel it intensely at times. In other contexts, not so much.

So I did a little reading on the fear of success. It turns out that the physical and emotional reactions experienced in connection with success are very similar to those experienced in connection with trauma. Emotional excitement. Adrenalin surge. Sweating. Rapid breathing. Heightened awareness. Flight reactions. Claustrophobia. Dread anticipation. Stress, stress, stress. People who have been traumatized avoid success because it reinvokes (unconsciously) the experience of the trauma.

Trying some suggested exercises, I recalled successes at different points in my life. The realization was startling. I've never experienced a significant success without large amounts of stress and distress. In fact, I can recall some where I would STILL prefer to have walked away rather than go through it.

Many trans people and probably most late transitioners experienced aspects of their lives as a series of regular, familiar traumas associated with exposing (or being) themselves. Success carries implications of exposure, credit, attention, future expectations and more - creating a pressure either to be openly what we choose to hide, or to live even more aggressively the fictions we present. Better to avoid the whole issue and muddle through.

So I'm going to feel the fear and keep going anyway. But I recognize the rise of the demon, and I'm NOT going to like it.

[Kalista Drake]

I didn't know that about the fear of success. Thanks for sharing that. I too, have a fear of success. I always have - since I was a little kid. Don't know why...

I hope you can slay the demon, honey! (then tell ME how to do it!!)

[stefan37]

Relatively early in therapy I lost all my fear about expressing how I felt. I made the decision to transfer devoid of all fear. I did have one fear of losing my wife. that fear has materialized and our lives will never be what they once were. I have no fear of the unknown or going forward. I do have periods where I feel uncomfortable. Transition especially in the early stages has been a constant struggle of pushing and stepping outside my comfort zone. As I get comfortable I am presented with new challenges that force me to step outside my comfort zone. And pattern repeats itself. The positive physical and mental changes I have experienced confirm I am doing the right thing. It reinforces my resolve. That resolve allows me to move forward at whatever pace I allow myself to proceed. Transition needs to move at its own pace in its own time. Rush it and the consequences can be disastrous and cause much unnecessary stress. I am not afraid of success but many times for many reasons It has eluded me. I will not let it elude me this time I as move forward.

[Marleena]

I think fear of change may come into play also. Remember the first day of school, or changing schools or jobs or even cities? This changes your life forever as you once knew it.

[Angela Campbell]

I can name 3 fears that have been major controlling events in my life. Lots of smaller ones but forget them for now.

1st most of my life was the fear that someone would find out. This was the one I lived with for 50 years. I could not deny inside who and what I am, but the chance of anyone ever finding out caused me to pretty much build my life around it. Everything I did, everything I said, every decision I made was based on this fear and little else. If I do "this" no one will suspect me.......can't wear "that" it looks too suggestive.....cannot discuss "those" subjects because then someone will suspect.

2nd This was almost the most debilitating fear I have ever endured or even can imagine. When I went through therapy, and the GD was growing, and growing, I was diagnosed, I did research, I went into a panic. I learned and began to accept that there was only one treatment that has ever had any level of success. Transition.
BUT...to transition I would have to let everyone in the world know this about me......see fear number 1! This new panic and fear of coming out was all new and inescapable, and once started is pretty much irreversible. I had to face and conquer fear number one and I was not at all sure I could.

Eventually with a good therapist helping me, I did come out to my family. I came out to work, I actually did it. Once I did......fear number 1 and fear number 2 went away. Completely gone. Now all that was left was several years of hard work.

The 3rd fear.

This one is recent. After wanting something for 50+ years, and believing it to be impossible, it seemed to be that it was finally going to happen. This should have been pure joy, seemed like winning the lottery. Nope. Fear number 3 came along. The fear that something, somehow is going to blow up and bring all of this to a halt. After being this close. I can smell it, I can see it, I can taste it, I just cannot quite touch it yet. As long as it is not here yet it might never happen. I know it will. I know it! But something inside keeps telling me it is going too good, and if something seems too good to be true.........................



Ok the smaller ones.

Dentist......yeah big surprise. Went 2 times since I was 20, cannot do it without tranquilizers even for cleanings.

Doctors and yes needles.

In truth Doctors scared me because they may find out or see something....then later I really didn't want to go because they may make me healthy enough to live longer.
I have completely lost my fear of doctors. Gone

I think electrolysis has pretty much solved the one about needles, with around 110 hrs behind me.

[LeaP]

I think fear of change may come into play also. Remember the first day of school, or changing schools or jobs or even cities? This changes your life forever as you once knew it.

I not only remember my first day of school, I ran home ... after nearly knocking the principal - a nice lady near retirement - over a 3rd floor railing ... and biting the assistant principal - a big burly guy who caught me - on the arm. I saw him about 20 years later. He had a pretty good scar! I spent a good portion of each day for the first several weeks trying to escape. Got away a few times, too. My dad wasn't too happy about having to sit with me in class for an hour at the beginning of every day.

[Marleena]

First day of school..oh yeah! I cried the whole time, didn't feel like I fit in and didn't want to be near the other kids. The teacher relented and let me sit by the window all day. I think that went on for a week.

Darn.. you were a fighter though!:)

[arbon]

For me nothing was as scary as transitioning.
I went from being just one of the guys, normal, to being a transsexual in front of the whole community.
I risked everything in my life
It was a scary thing to do.

I moved forward through it anyway, despite my fears.

Not really afraid anymore, but sometimes I still feel rather vulnerable.

[rachael.davis]

Fear number 3 came along. The fear that something, somehow is going to blow up and bring all of this to a halt. After being this close. I can smell it, I can see it, I can taste it, I just cannot quite touch it yet. As long as it is not here yet it might never happen. I know it will. I know it! But something inside keeps telling me it is going too good, and if something seems too good to be true.........................

I like Seanchai (NYC Irish pub band) their front-man made a comment once "the handy thing being Irish is that you can wake up in the morning knowing the world will do its best to break your heart today, but you still get out of bed"

[Marleena]

What is it with needles? Add me to the group though... I used to pride myself on being fearless but being TS has reduced me to a scared little mouse. A big part of it is fear. Then there's my age and all the crap going on at home. I just feel mentally drained anymore and just spinning my wheels.

[steph1964]

I wouldn't say that I have fear of success but there is a lot of fear. I was always an introvert because like others have mentioned I was afraid that someone would learn my secret. Going from someone who never wanted to be the center of attention to someone who is in the spotlight, especially at work, caused a lot of anxiety.

But I think that a certain amount of fear is expected along the way. Like everyone else, I had big hurdles to overcome, from accepting it was going to happen, to telling my wife, family, friends, work etc. Each time we take a deep breath and face our fear, then move on to the next one. My latest is on Thursday when I go to my sister in laws and spend the day with my ex wife's family. My ex wife, her sister and mother have been very supportive, but now I get to see all the other relatives. Many who very conservative in their views.

I think that fear just comes with the territory and as long as it doesn't paralyze you for too long, there's nothing wrong with it.

[Nicole Erin]

Not really sure what this is about but here is my input -
Maybe fear of success has something to do with thinking of things that might go wrong? I mean fear of failure is obvious but what is to fear with succeeding?

School - I remember my first day. Yeah I was in day care before which I guess helped transition me into actual school but yes I cried, I was scared but by the end of the day, school just "was".

TS transition - Cannot say for FFS and SRS, I will probably never afford those anyways. But for going full time - the official "full time" start for me was when I walked out of court with judge-signed and notarized papers with my new name. Evan at that point, all my acquaintances knew about everything so it was not hard. I started a job working with the public, gained confidence, and today, even though I am hardly stealth but I have friends, my tiny family has not rejected me, I present each day as Erin, and best of all - have dated a couple GG's. One of them may soon be my girlfriend.

Man, once you get past the fears and doubts, the world better watch the **** out cause you soon realize, "I am unstoppable!" Right now I am at "Very difficult to stop" but getting stronger by the day.

Also, I am one of those people who adjusts quickly and easily to new situations.

[PaulaQ]

My main fear, really, almost my only one, is the fear of myself. I came WAY too close to ending my own life this year. Concurrent with that, I fear my GD, and the footrace against it that I feel I'm on. As it gets worse, I continue to seek treatment to transition. Transition is slow though. HRT takes time. Your body can only recover from so much surgery at once - AND - you have to get that surgery scheduled and paid for. Can I stay in front of it? Or will it consume me and I'll perish? I'm not going out without a fight though - that is for sure.

I have fears about whether or not I'll really get to a place where my body feels congruent with my mind. I can see little glimmers of it so far - but it still seems enormously far away. The idea that I'll look in the mirror someday, and just like what I see seems impossible some days.

I have the usual fears about the future - will I find a relationship? Will I have a meaningful and authentic life as a woman? The latter usually worries me more than the former, but the last couple of weeks, the former has been scaring me a lot. (Miss Paula needs a damned date! Darn hormones...)

I can't say I fear success. The closest thing I have to fear of success, I think, is the fear that I might transition, look pretty OK, be pretty accepted - and live the same crappy life I lived before. I'd be all dressed up - with no place to go.

[Leah Lynn]

Angela, I can totally relate to those! Especially #3! I recently had a chest x-ray and a "spot" appeared on my lung. I wasn't overly concerned about cancer, in and of itself, but rather the knowledge that it would end hrt. That was my latest fear.

Leah

[LeaP]

I can pretty much narrow down the start of my fear of needles to a discussion in my backyard sometime in the preschool era. I remember standing with my friend at the end of the brick walk where it met the stone wall, under a tree. We were talking about the appearance of the old reusable syringes – the ones with the finger hooks and the thumb loop. Big old chrome or stainless steel things with a glass vial inside, with a slot so the doctor could see how much medication was in it.

And then he told me the needle was hollow! OMG! In my minds eye, the needle assumed mythic proportions. Think something the size of a bridge cable taking a core sample. (Those of you who remember the early reusable needles can probably testify that this perception isn't too far from reality.) Those suckers were big! And they hurt!!

I also remember my very next doctors appointment. One in which I was due for shots! And when he came at me with that needle of mythic proportions, I ran! (My flight reactions go back a long way, but I digress…) in fact, I ran out into the waiting room – in my underwear – where the doctor and the nurse and my mother chased me around the furniture, the other waiting patients, and up and down the stairs. They caught me, I got the shots, they hurt like hell, and I still don't like those damn needles.

[Inna]

As I have come to understand, our entire nervous system is based on fear factor.
I remember since my earliest memories, fear was a major part of growing. I still fear daily, but through spirituality I have come away from state of fear into a realm of inevitability.

Fear it self is only present because we tend to understand that a lot of life, or rather the whole outcome of life is up to us!!!
However the above statement is utterly false!

So in other words, once realizing that life unfolds within its own, I have no control besides ability to interpret.
Interpretation then tends to be within our cognitive, intellectual realm, Good, Indifferent, Bad.
Little do we really know that within spiritual understanding of life's dreamy reality EVERYTHING is good.....

But I do not require anyone to understand the above sentence, because in order to understand it, one needs to loose fear of death, and that seems to be the greatest hurdle to overcome when in Nature/Survival mode.

To realize that in fact We have no say over what happens is rather to undermine whole aspect of learned fact about our existence, but at least for me, such unreal reality I experience everyday.

I open my eyes in the morning and begin my life once again. I do not think of yesterday as a continuance but rather one life finished, today I start a new life, a new lease. When this day is over, I close my eyes knowing that in fact there are no regrets, no unfinished business, no wonders I have missed, I die tonight and this life is over. Next morning, if it comes, will be a life of its own, experienced, fulfilled, no mistakes even when others do their best to tell me so, lol.

I love, I live, I am true.

[dreamer_2.0]

Very interesting OP. Similarly here most, if not all, successes came along after various stresses. They were hardly traumatic but stressful nonetheless. I've wondered before if I had a fear of success but don't believe I considered it the way OP has. Gives me something to think about today. :)

[Angela Campbell]

Lea you must have been a handful....I bet you ran with scissors every chance you had.

About 3 years ago I was admitted to the hospital. My blood sugar was almost 400 (not what I was in for) and they came in and told me they had several injections to give me, the first one in the stomach. I pretty much ran that poor nurse out of the room. They could not wait to release me and send me home to die.

[LeaP]

Lea you must have been a handful....I bet you ran with scissors every chance you had.

...

So I'm told. And yes, scissors, knives, axes, the odd sword or firearm (this was another era), fireworks - whatever was handy and creatively destructive. The schizophrenic aspect was then running home and playing with tea sets or something. You know, put down the axe, pick up the baby doll and seat her at the table. Weird. Oh well.

Inna, I'm not sure I agree. Although some fear stems from loss of control concerns - and you're right, control can be something of an illusion - some of it is legitimate fear of what may come at us, regardless of anything we may do. Some fears are not influenced by control.

Steph, I agree, there's nothing wrong with being afraid.

[Rachel Smith]

My biggest fear in relation to transition wasn't the fear of success but rather of failure of sorts. All I thought about for a long time before I even started to transition was what if I do this and it doesn't help my depression, then what? I had seen 3 different therapists and they all agreed my only chance at curing my depression was to transition but knowing once you open this can of worms there is no going back. That is why I did my RLE for 1 1/2 years living my life as a female everywhere but work and around my family, which wasn't hard as I was in Virginia they were in Pennsylvania. It was then that I realized that the only time I was truly happy was as Rachel and after that long I knew what I had to do. It didn't make it easy but it did make it easier. Now I am happy for no particular reason and that is strange to me.

Rachel

[thechic]

I must admit I have a fear of change, but with the surgery I have a fair of something going wrong, its bad enough going for the regular blood test.

[Angela Campbell]

The only thing I fear about the surgery is the pain.

[KellyJameson]

Success implies happiness and happines is something that can be taken from you, taking you into despair.

You may not have a problem with fearing success as much as with fearing the disappointment of eventually losing this success.

The higher we fly the farther we can potentially fall.

We live between pain and pleasure and the loss of pleasure is painful and why it takes courage to create an incredible life that must some day be lost and transitioning is the attempt to live fully so incredibly.

You are moving from a living death to a pleasurable life but there is comfort in living this living death because it is known and safe.

It is easier to lose something you are not attached to because it does not give pleasure and why when the suffering is great enough people will willingly walk into death for release so death becomes pleasurable.

Your previous life while painful was pleasurable in this pain because that is all you have known so pain became a form of pleasure while remaining intolerable.

It is always a question of attachment and the reasons we hold on. We can hold onto life because we fear death or because we find life so pleasurable, separate from this fear.

We have this same relationship with everything.

Fear is a form of pain and pain is good when it protects us but not when it destroys us so it is our relationship with fear as what it is doing for us that determines whether it protects or destroys.

Fear and pain are neutral and only have the power we give the experience and this is also true for success and failure which are also neutral except for the power we give the experience.

It is not fear or pain but our attitude toward and with it.

Success and Failure are interdependent, you cannot have one without the other just as you cannot have pain without pleasure.

Our minds are measuring devices always making comparisions between two states and this is because we live in a universe made up of dualities, one of which is pain and pleasure, life and death, good and bad, success and failure, ect..

Your fear comes out of your relationship with this duality so you will become free from it when you can step outside of it and see how it is really not a part of you but of your imagination.

Transsexuals are innately attuned to being able to do this very thing because our circumstances have pushed us out of being able to live in this duality by holding the opposite duality of both genders (female mind in a male body) in one vessel and this is why there is such a high level of ancient spirituality among those who are transsexual.

But this is only true when the transsexual can embrace the duality as necessary to transitioning even though they realize the gifts of having been freed from it.

Transsitioning risks the loss of the spirituality born out of not being permitted to live in the duality

Transsexuals life in a paradox of needing the very thing that will steal the gifts born from not having it unless you can pursue living the duality of gender while keeping the mind of this non duality that is innate to you.

My fear of transitioning was losing the painful gifts born out of being born transsexual (not part of the duality of the universe as one half ) but I see now this does not necessarily have to happen.

Transsexuals experience the world differently at a conceptual level than cisgenders because we are able to step outside of the design of the universe and hold it in our hands and examine it.

Our pain frees us from the illusion that living inside the duality causes most cisgenders who are never motivated to question the illusion because they are not caused pain by it.

We are born into conceptual confusion by not being able to be part of the design of the universe but this pain keeps us from the illusion created by this design so we are able to "think outside the box" and why you see such a high level of creativity among transsexuals whether in the sciences or the arts which are basically two expressions of the same thing.

Being born a transsexual means a life long fight with madness and trying to avoid it because it is in the illusion that cisgenders have by living inside the duality that they find comfort so avoid the threat of madness but this option is not available to transsexuals.

Transsitioning is the attempt to get back inside the duality but it will only work if the transsexual understands that once you see the truth you can never escape it.

Transition but do not expect to find comfort in the illusion cisgenders do because you must be born into this illusion for it to work.

[Marleena]

Okay...somebody has to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amNpxQANk0M

[Angela Campbell]

Oh Marleena........only one thing to fear? Fear itself? Really? What about.......

spiders, black cats, Friday the 13th, thunder, big trucks, snakes, whatevers hiding under the bed, disco, the IRS, clowns, rats, speaking in public, cockroaches, drowning, owls, plane crashes, the closet, asparagus, zombies, heights, Dentists, being naked, enclosed spaces,nuclear war, the principals office, being alone, crowds, viruses, snarling dogs, flat tires, stepping on cracks, bathroom scales, lint, plumbers, roof leaks, separation, brain damage, broken shoelaces, briars, big cities, UFO's, rectal implants,unwanted erections, cruise ships, getting fat, grey hair, biting your lip, caves, galoshes, ghosts, the number 42, Steven King, falling, inanimate objects staring at you, that guy in the closet, stains in your underwear, scratching a new car, debt, ring around the collar, poison ivy, LSD, lawyers, algebra, limericks, drunk drivers, ex wives, Ouija boards, sea monsters, un popped popcorn, fire, sand spurs, electric eels, the voice in our head, breaking a mirror, stinky feet, diarrhea, proctologists, hospitals, funeral homes, basements, venus flytraps, dead air on the radio, Nuns, and the heartbreak of psoriasis?

[Beth-Lock]

Kelly's insights are, I think profound enough to go over them carefully, point by point. I hope she will forgive me for attempting this ambitious interpretation of her thoughts. (The words within brackets are mine, added for interpretation.)



Our (human) minds are ... always making comparisions between two states, (like pain and pleasure, male and female, transitioning or staying put), and this is because we live in a universe made up of dualities, one of which is (of transitioning or merely facing making this gigantic choice) comes out of your (trans) relationship with this duality,...

The basis of this is --
We (as human beings) live between pain and pleasure and the loss of pleasure is painful and why it takes courage to create an incredible life ...and transitioning is the attempt to live fully so incredibly.

Should we reject the idea of changing sex as our solution, to stay in one gender? Or, should we reject the concept that the idea of staying in one gender, and being happy with that, is an illusion, and we have been given a gift in being trans, by being able to see that trying to identify with just one gender is over-adjustment? Maybe we should willfully try to see beyond being male or female only, and even step outside the transition mentaltity.


Why would you be reluctant to transition even for more practical reasons?


Your, (meaning we trans), previous life while painful was pleasurable ... because that is all you, (as trans) have known.

Considering sex change is a high that is not simply due to the pink fog, but it has its danger.


The higher we fly the farther we can potentially fall.


What gift we as trans have been granted, is at risk in being conventional?


Transsitioning risks the loss of the spirituality born out of not being permitted to live in the duality.

Transsexuals live in a paradox of needing the very thing that will steal the gifts born from not having it unless you can pursue living the duality of gender while keeping the mind of this non-duality that is innate to you.

My fear of transitioning was losing the painful gifts born out of being born transsexual (not part of the duality of the universe as one half ) but I see now this does not necessarily have to happen.


Why doesn't the rest of the world understand and support us in our goal of changing sex?



Transsexuals experience the world differently at a conceptual level than cisgenders because we are able to step outside of the design of the universe and hold it in our hands and examine it.

Our pain frees us from the illusion that living inside the duality causes most cisgenders who are never motivated to question the illusion because they are not caused pain by it..

Does this make us ideal gurus for a future society-wide change in the nature and interpretation of gender, for example, more than cis-gender feminists? Or, does it jsut make us better, or at least more flexible and open, if we choose to pursue a career in counselling?




We are born into conceptual confusion, (for example, by being a female in a male body), by not being able to be part of the design of the universe but this pain keeps us from the illusion created by this design so we are able to "think outside the box" and why you see such a high level of creativity among transsexuals whether in the sciences or the arts which are basically two expressions of the same thing.

Being born a transsexual means a life long fight with madness and trying to avoid it because it is in the illusion that cisgenders have by living inside the duality that they find comfort so avoid the threat of madness but this option is not available to transsexuals. . (In other words, we are not interested in sex change because we are crazy, as some think but that being trans which is not our choice is crazy-making.)

Transitioning is by its nature problematic.


Transsitioning is the attempt to get back inside the duality, (become either one or the other gender, but not both at the same time) but it will only work if the transsexual understands that once you see the truth you can never escape it.. We know too much to ever be totally happy with either staying in our original gender or if we change genders, in our new gender. Most trans, especially post-op try and integrate elements of their old, male life with their new life as a woman. But hoo far should one go with this melding of the two genders? Should it be talken to the point in which the psychological barrier between male and female starts to vanish? Do people see you as the same person you always were, after transition? If so, have you failed to get it, that in transitoning you must become so different to be an unrecognizable person?


(Since our) minds are measuring devices always making comparisions between two states, (including male and female) ....(as trans, your) fear comes out of your relationship with this duality so you will become free from it when you can step outside of it and see how it is really not a part of you but of your imagination.....

Transsexuals are innately attuned to being able to do this very thing, (and achieve a higher level of insight), by holding the opposite duality of both genders, (that is) female mind in a male body. (the two) in one vessel, (our peson) and this is why there is such a high level of ancient spirituality among those who are transsexual.

But this is only true when the transsexual can embrace the duality, (be one sex or the other, not both), as necessary to transitioning even though they realize the gifts of having been freed from it (by being born conscious of being trans or discovering it late in life).

Are you going to be happy after transition?


Transition but do not expect to find comfort in the illusion cisgenders do because you must be born into this illusion (that cisgenders have) for it to work.

[Rachel Smith]

Great post Kelly.

[Marleena]

Kelly Is like having our own gender therapist.:)

@ Angela, small amount of fears there.lol.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Beth

I believe for transitioning to give all the potential gifts held within transitioning it MUST BE more than just physical transition.

I strongly feel physical transition is not enough or it will leave you feeling just as empty as before.

If you have heard the phrase commonly used among transsexuals that they are imprisoned in their body this in my opinion is exactly right.

The problem with the phrase is it sounds cliché so loses its importance as a meaningful phrase.

To be imprisoned means to forcefully be separated from everything including yourself.

Transitioning when done by a "transsexual" brings the person back to themselves and from this they than are able to move toward life as all that it contains so you stop living as "only mind" and become "mind and body" making it possible for you to live physically in the world.

Living in a prison does not mean you stop living and there is the remote possibility that much good can be created in this place but the good will likely serve others but not the person living in the prison even if what they create comes out of them.

Many important works and contributions to the world have been created in and out pain but I believe there must come a time when the transsexual attempts to live within the design of the very universe that circumstances pushed them out of by birth THROUGH TRANSITIONING.

It is a very selfish act to transition but no different than attempting to swim to the surface when you are drowning or breaking out of prison leaving behind your sanctuary, however much it tormented you.

When the Jews were freed and the gates of the concentration camp were thrown open they at first REFUSED TO LEAVE and the same problem of transitioning CAN confront the transsexual.

Some run toward transitioning and others approach it with trepidation and you could think that the one who runs toward transitioning is in more pain but this is not necessarily true because it is just two different ways of relating to the same thing "PAIN"

Being imprisoned creates the potential for good or bad to come from and out of the imprisonment and this is not a choice made by the transsexual but a way of "reacting to and managing the pain"

Many commit suicide to finally find peace and as an expression of forlorn sadness for never being given the chance "To Be"

If you want to know the full experience of "To Be" "A Transsexual " must transition or you live a half life because you will live "Unexpressed" so your full potential will stay locked inside you.

A Transsexual who transitions will now have the potential to actually offer more to society than before because they will be able " To Be" as a member of society instead of locked outside themselves and by default everyone else.

I absolutely support transitioning but the transsexual on a spiritual level must also remember to now learn how to live outside of the prison they were born into.

It is not just the physical transition you must address but the consequences of being born outside yourself even though I personally but painfully found many incidental gifts that came out of this.

There is the danger you will lose the very thing you need when you transition to keep you healthy and that is what you gained of value while in prison.

It is important to not lose this aspect of yourself in my opinion by building a wall in your mind to forget what you were before.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Balance in everything !

[mary something]

Beautiful posts Kelly. Yes it is all about pain and fear. The transcendent moment for me in my life was when I realized completely that fear was worse than pain. This is a very expensive lesson to learn and the price is more than innocence.

It is impossible at times to avoid both fear and pain. The trick is to realize that fear is self generated, we control how much wind is put into the sails

[LeaP]

Kelly,

It's taken me some time to reply because, for once, your (initial) response did not quite fit. I had some difficulty wrestling with that because so much of what you did have to say is true and relevant in other circumstances. The simplest example is the opening sentence in your response. I actually don't associate "success" in the case of transition with happiness, not even a little. At the same time, what you were saying about loss and the disappointment associated with it is very true in other contexts.

Too, as to failure-associated risks (having farther to fall), while I am cognizant of the devastation that might result should I not "succeed," this is not something I fear either.

I certainly hope for life to improve. Pleasurable would be wonderful. The thought has not crossed my mind much, however.

You segued into philosophy with your comments on our relationship with fear and pleasure. I very much like the comment that what matters is our attitude toward these. But I reject the notion of their duality, as I do in most things, frankly. At best, contrasts involving duality are a useful teaching mechanism. At worst, they imprison us in certain illusions concerning the nature of reality. This devolves into religious views for me. Suffice it to say that I believe dualism is an artifact created by judgment. There is no opposite to either pain or pleasure. The proper apprehension of one includes the apprehension of the other ... along with a great many other things besides.

Your observation about the comfort of remaining as it is has elements of truth. But this was more a realization along the path to where I am now. I have well-understood and life-long patterns of reactions, for example. At some level I always knew they were self protective. What I didn't understand until perhaps a year and a half ago was how much I took refuge in them, psychologically. To my surprise, between antidepressants and this bit of self-knowledge, the power of those patterns was substantially broken. I can recall monumental reactions that would send me into isolation for weeks and weeks at a time. Now I recover in a short timeframe – sometimes minutes.

I do agree that it is all too easy to "give up" things that you do not yet have. I have railed against something similar in the past when I have talked about false self-sacrifice, whereby one forgoes something on behalf of another (typically a spouse), when they have never had (or been) the thing they claim to be giving up! it is a way of claiming nobility without effort. Of psychologically coercing someone into a posture of gratitude. I do feel the pull of escapism when it comes to walking away from transition. And it fits the paradigm of the heroic self-sacrifice. Unfortunately, including its falsity. While my wife would in some respects be delighted if I did not transition, she would be hurt in other ways by at least two things: my making that decision on my own, and my offloading the responsibility onto her, which is a form of blame.

I don't believe I need to address your comments about the gifts of transsexuality that stem from living aspects of both genders. First, you have found for yourself that there isn't necessarily a loss with transition. I would not have thought so anyway. Transition has been compared to the heroic journey. In the classic model, the hero returns to whence he came – but bearing the special knowledge conveyed by the journey. These stories contain all of the elements of transition, including the pursuit of something precious, fear, risk of loss, unbounded change, temptation, knowledge, return, struggle, etc.

Finally, the knowledge that transsexuality brings certain gifts is late in coming. It may be ancient knowledge, but it is relatively new to me! I can see that much of what I am comes from it, but it is far too intrinsic to me at this point to fear it's loss.

The jury is out for me as far as reaching any sort of state experienced by cisgendered people. I don't have any expectations one way or another, honestly. The oft-expressed sentiments from those long postop, however, have me wondering what is possible in this regard.

Thank you as always for your thoughtful contribution, Kelly.