The clues were always there but only the GD forced me to deal with it.

[Marleena]

This is a thread about the importance of therapists in helping you discover your reality. Talking to a therapist helped me remember all the clues and discomfort while growing up. It was like the floodgates opening up and finding a reason for why I always felt "different". All the years of being a loner, overcompensating, and hiding finally make sense.

My earliest clue was never fitting in in kindergarten and feeling like an alien or something. Then wanting to wear my sisters clothes and never thinking it was wrong until I got shamed out of it. Then there was being real shy. Trying to transition on my own. Just never fitting in and always wondering what was wrong.

So what were your important clues, how did you deal with it during your life and do you think people picked up on you being different anyways? It's not a competition but I'm sure we can relate to a lot about how others felt.

[Angela Campbell]

Not really any clues for me. Wide screen cinema! My mind was screaming from the start that I was a girl.

I loved school at first, I was able to be around other girls all day and we had a blast. It wasn't until around the 5th grade or so they began to treat me as if I was different. I was heartbroken.

Later in High School I was as androgynous as I could afford to be in S Ga. but the girls loved me. Not really like boyfriend material though but I was able to see things their way and we did well together. A few liked me enough to date.

The big breakthrough I had was with my first therapist. A really nice lady. She told me something that changed my life and began a panic.

She said...."It's OK to be a girl"

see where that got me?

[Marleena]

Interesting Angela! I just couldn't grasp the concept that I was anything but male but different. I had a boy's body and didn't have the clarity you did.

[Angela Campbell]

You were lucky

[PaulaQ]

My earliest clue was never fitting in in kindergarten and feeling like an alien or something.

I think the feeling of alienation we experience is an enormously big sign of being trans. I think it is probably a defining characteristic of GD, in fact. Yeah, I spent my entire childhood seriously wondering if I could be from another planet - because I didn't relate to anyone in any way, shape, or form. I didn't even feel like I was the same species.

I've talked to a lot of cis people about this. I think many feel some alienation at one time or another - but I don't think it's anything like what we experience.

The first time I entered a support group meeting with other trans people, was the first time in my life I'd ever just felt at ease around other people. It was just completely natural. My guard just dropped, automatically. I wasn't really sure I was trans until that moment, and then there was just no doubt.

[Nigella]

When I was referred to the gender clinic, the clues were drawn out, bit by bit, and they continued well after the therapy session. I have a habit of blocking things that were, at least to me, unimportant. The GD was well beaten in my youth, not really sure what brought it to the fore, but little things made sense as I began to think about my youth.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula, what you wrote very much resonates with me to this day.

[Anne2345]

I absolutely hated middle school and high school. I knew I was different than the other kids early on. I could not make heads or tales of dudes. I felt so out of place, so uncomfortable, and so different than all of the other kids. I had few friends. Although I was quite successful in athletics, I did not attend any school social functions. I didn't go to even one school dance. I didn't attend prom. In fact, I did not even go out on a date. Not even once.

By 6th grade, I was already well into privately raiding my mother's makeup counter and clothing closet. I had my style and look down and all. I loved, loved, loved seeing a girl staring back at me. It was the only time that I really felt right about myself. I felt right, though, because in those moments (and they were many) I knew it was right.

During my school years, I fantasized about transition. I plotted, planned, and schemed ways for years there how I could pull it off after I was old enough to leave the home. I knew I was born wrong.

But in the end, because there were no educational services or support services in my community, and because I had been indoctrinated in the same socially conservative community as those around me, I ultimately came to the conclusion that it was I who was the abomination of society, and it was I who was wrong for being the way I was. I eventually grew to hate myself, and despise myself. I was disgusted by my own thoughts, desires, and needs. I began engaging in negative and destructive behaviors, and spiraled deeply into a dark depression.

Soon after placing a loaded gun to my head, but not pulling the trigger, I packed everything up, left home, and started over again in an out-of-state university. I left my home specifically to leave my past behind me. Although it took a good year after I left my home state, I was eventually successful at capturing my once out of control GD (I did not know the term for it at the time) and locking it up. For the next two decades, I was firmly rooted in massive denial and suppression. It stayed locked up until I could no longer hold it back. And once I cracked that door of denial open even a sliver to peek in, it was too late. There was no going back to the false person I was ever again.

Since that time, I have been working to make my life right. And I am a much, much better, and real, person for it.

[LeaP]

Paula, what you wrote very much resonates with me to this day.

This is very strong. The sense of familiarity is uncanny.

[Angela Campbell]

But how could someone feel so alienated and so different seem to get through so many years and no one else had a clue? Everyone always tells me they had no idea this was going on. Was it that no one really wanted to see?

How could the world not know I was different?

[Anne2345]

Perhaps it's that the world sees what it wants to see, and fear of discovery supercharges our acting abilities. Conformity can be a powerful, vindictive, and powerful master. Throw in its natural ally Fear, and we do what we have to do to survive. Or at least, we do what we believe we have to do to survive and fit it.

[kelly10]

For the next two decades, I was firmly rooted in massive denial and suppression. It stayed locked up until I could no longer hold it back. And once I cracked that door of denial open even a sliver to peek in, it was too late. There was no going back to the false person I was ever again.

Since that time, I have been working to make my life right. And I am a much, much better, and real, person for it.

For 20 years I also convinced myself that that part of me no longer existed. Then I opened the door to peek, to make sure she really never existed. There she stood, smiling at me, as real and forgiving as ever. She was not fooled. I was the fool for denying that wonderful part of me, in many ways the best part of me. Like you Anne, there is no going back to that false person I was ever again, I am Kelly and Kelly is me.
:battingeyelashes:

[arbon]

Lots indications needing to deny or pretend it was not real. What else was there to do but live the lie and keep your secertets folded tightly inside.

I think maybe if the shrink I saw 20+ Years ago had said something like well maybe you are a woman inside, or maybe trannsexual and explained what that was , and about how people transition....... I think if I could have just gotten the right information sooner it would have all been a lot different.

[kimdl93]

Some similarities. Going through a couple years of therapy helped me put things in perspective. That early childhood recognition that not only did I feel somewhat different, but my siblings and parents noticed and commented. The siblings teased, the parents puzzled. Of course a preschooler can't put a name on to, put it in context. But I never forgot that feeling. My therapist helped me understand that the was nothing wrong with part of myself that I'd hidden away and that life could be easier and more enjoyable if I learned to accept and even like myself.

My breakthrough moment was when Dr Waters said, "it's not a crime, you know."

The ultimate lesson, however, was that everyone has value and the differences, our abnormalities as we often view them, are simply part of each persons uniqueness. I finally got it.

[CarlaWestin]

She said...."It's OK to be a girl"



OK, I had to just stop and sit quietly for a minute when I read this.
Would someone in my life please just say these words?
I went through extensive therapy in my twenties and the professional described my gender wobble as just unnecessary baggage to carry through life. I have experienced or I can identify with every experience in this post. And I only had a GI Joe so I could get to the other girls Barbies.

[Marleena]

I think most of us try everything in our power to hide and live with the dysphoria until we hit that wall. We were taught early in our lives to conform. Most of us end up with depression and anxiety problems. I know I have been treated many times over the years for depression and anger issues. I was just too embarrassed to mention to the shrinks that I had gender issues. If it is GD the only thing that will help is HRT, anti-anxiety and anti-depressants won't help. A gender therapist is the key to making sense of it all.

[charla42]

I agree with Marleena. If its GD the only thing that will help is HRT (It Works). HRT has giving Me a Comfort Zone so I can deal with the over powering effects of GD.

[Angela Campbell]

OK, I had to just stop and sit quietly for a minute when I read this.
Would someone in my life please just say these words?
I went through extensive therapy in my twenties and the professional described my gender wobble as just unnecessary baggage to carry through life. I have experienced or I can identify with every experience in this post. And I only had a GI Joe so I could get to the other girls Barbies.

What happened is I went to see a therapist because I was beginning to lose my mind. I finally told her...."all I ever wanted was to be a girl"

She told me "It's ok to be a girl"

I had a kind of breakdown right then and there. No one ever told me that and I never really believed it myself. That one sentence....that ONE sentence has changed my life. She immediately referred me to someone who specializes in transitions.

[Barbara Ella]

The clues were always there.

Oh so true, but it is only now, many many years down the road that i look back and put the pieces together. Why did I really like to sit near the girls on the end of the bench? Why did I dislike the other boys when they made crude remarks about girls or women in general? Why was i so shy and introverted? Why did I not make any lasting friendships with my male associates, lasting up and through today? Why was I drawn to drawing, and only the female form? Why did I hate my body, but not the maleness which I never gave a thought to because of my other focused area of hatred? Why did I lisp (OK, having trouble connecting that one).

What made the dam burst, and like others i opened that pandora's box. I, however, had no past that would provide a clue as to what was in it, but I was becoming a very angry person several years ago. It just seemed right, and better tobe more feminine. Once that thought was there, it rapidly progressed to realizing I was meant to be a woman.

I still need a boatload of therapy to get through the anxieties/uncertainties, etc. that this one very simple thought has put on my life.........."It's OK to be a girl."...... Truly realizing the importance of that thought, and truly truly accepting it is such a giant first step.

Barbara,

Oh, and an estrogen patch on the bum doesn't hurt either...

[Angela Campbell]

Oh that Pandora's box......if I only knew it was one before I opened it. The things that came screaming out. It was not that therapist that helped me open that box though. It was already open. She just made me aware that it was open, and too late.

[Leah Lynn]

I didn't need anyone to point it out. I knew all along what was wrong with me. The only problem was the lack of information back then. I thought I was the only one. I was still quite young when I learned about Christine Jorgenson. I knew there was a way out, but that it could never happen for me. It just wasn't talked about; it just wasn't done. Buck up, suck it up, be a man! I lived for a very long time in denial and pretending to be Mr. Macho. All I can say is, "Thank you internet and thank you to you fine ladies for saving me." I briefly talked to a counsellor, and decided that I knew more than he did, and I knew nothing. I spent a little more than a half hour with a psychiatrist, and she signed off for hrt. Soon I'll need to find a therapist that I can work with, and plan the rest of my transition.

Leah

[Rachel Smith]

The only problem was the lack of information back then. I thought I was the only one.

Yes way back when...... but the signs were there withdrawn, no long term male friends, but back thenyou didn't dare speak of such things. It was more like it's you "problem" you deal with it.

See my signature below.

[Rianna Humble]

I didn't need anyone to point it out. I knew all along what was wrong with me. The only problem was the lack of information back then. I thought I was the only one.

I can tell you right now that you were not the only one, I was! :heehee:

When I was young, I didn't have the words to express it, but I knew I was not a boy. As Leah says, it just wasn't talked about. When I heard about Christine Jorgenson, I remember feeling that this was something that could never happen to me because I would never be that rich :sad:

Later on, when I fell in love, I knew that love was not for me because I could not conceive of being a husband when I knew I was meant to be a wife. Unfortunately, this also coincided with one of my periods of deepest denial which left me heartbroken and confused.

By the time I sought help for my gender issues, it was literally do or die.

[PaulaQ]

When I heard about Christine Jorgenson, I remember feeling that this was something that could never happen to me because I would never be that rich :sad:


I felt the exact same way. Somehow, without really meaning to, I found every single article, news story, talk-show interview I could find involving transsexual women. Somehow, it didn't surprise me, when Walter Carlos, who's music I am a HUGE fan of, and have been since I was really little, transitioned to become Wendy Carlos. It was like gender issues followed me around. It never seemed possible that I'd be able to transition in my lifetime. The stuff I read about RLE as a kid scared the hell out of me. I was sure I'd be completely shamed beyond all belief by that experience - it sounded so humiliating.

Little did I know back then that I'd be so miserable, so suicidal, so sick and desperate that I'd feel beyond shame, that I'd be impossible to humiliate because every shred of pride I'd ever had was already stripped from me. If I had to walk around naked to get treatment, I'd do it - because I just have nothing left, not inside myself, anyway.

[Marleena]

And finally the reason we struggle with this. Guilt & Shame.

http://www.avitale.com/GuiltShame.htm

[CONSUELO]

As I read this I find myself hoping that the greater openness that seems to be more like the norm amongst young people, will help them see themselves clearly. I'm sure from the many posts on this site that all of us exploring dressing in mother's or sister's clothing and makeup and finding it really enjoyable, thought that it might be a passing thing and that one day it might disappear. When I was a teenager I thought that what I had was just a fetish to dress in lingerie and that it would be, at most, an accessory to my sexual life. I tried to find material about transvestism but there was very little. It was still considered a "sexual deviation" in those days. Compare that with today where we have a relative wealth of information. I'm sure that if I were that teenager today, I would have found this and similar sites and I would have learned a lot more and perhaps understood better the consequences for my life.
My Mother told me after my first divorce that perhaps I should not be married. It was said kindly but it was nevertheless a strange remark at the time. Looking back I wonder if she knew something. Certainly she knew that I dressed as I was 'caught' several times. Perhaps even in those far off and unenlightened times, she recognised that being a crossdresser and being married were difficult to reconcile.
So often we are living in a world of denial but it catches up with us eventually.

[KellyJameson]

I think part of being human is the need to find our identity as who we are but when what you are is not easily found you start searching for it.

This is an existential need and impossible to ignore because meeting this need gives a sense of belonging and in this belonging we find security, purpose and a sense of our own value in relation to others.

All things necessary to survival and psychological well being and without them mental illness sets in.

My identity formed as female but it did not do so consciously and this would have been due to my keeping it suppressed because stating it out loud and clearly would have brought out negative responses from everyone.

My identity became my secret even from myself.

Identity is a living thing because it is the minds need to know its place in the universe and will assert itself whether you want it to or not.

You as your identity will show itself by what you move toward and why.

I moved toward stories of boys changing into girls in the movies or books of "tomboy girls" because I could not find "boys" like me anywhere else.

I never tried to be a girl because I was a girl but did not know how to express it but I still searched for it and usually this was by trying to play with other girls who made me nervous because I felt like somehow they were better than me because I already felt broken and deformed which added to that feeling of being different.

This compulsion to live my identity never left me and the only thing that changed were the methods or attempts to find and live it.

One was by using sex not for sex but for identity by proxy.

I never experienced that male need for the female as taking her as an object for the males enjoyment because to do this you must experience the female as "the other" but they were never the other for me, men were the other.

I found my identity through women so lived it second hand while slowly finding my way to transform myself to have my identity first hand and all to myself and this has been the pattern and theme of my life.

The more I became conscious of my true identity the less I needed women so the less I desired them for sex because I never wanted them for sex as a man would but only as a surrogate for my identity.

In my opinion if you are trying to discover whether you are transsexual or not look toward your relationships with women because a transsexual will relate differently to women than a cisgender male will.

[Rogina B]

I found my identity through women so lived it second hand while slowly finding my way to transform myself to have my identity first hand and all to myself and this has been the pattern and theme of my life.

.

44 years of numerous relationships that all went the same way..However 11 years ago,I called a halt to the suppression and denial and set about to design a life that would bring me happiness.