Need to open up a little.

[jules]

I started out as a cd but started to relize things did not fit at all. Done a lot of research on transgender and what it was all about.
I will being honest with everyone here when I say I am a mess even my doctor relized I need to.talk to a therapist and maybe other people who I can talk to.
I have done so much stuff wrong since comming out to my wife. I screwed up so much.
I have deleated my pics and reposted them so many times 1 because my wife asked me not to put any on here and other times I took them off because I tryed to bury who I was.

I am slowy coming to the realization that I am julie and according to my ! Therpist! I have to let her out because I am heading for a breakdown.
The thoughts of ending it all were starting to resurface again.
To be honest ladies some days I hate myself so much it gets to the point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

I was on the quad this weeken and hit a bump to fast.
It took me off the seat that far I was looking down at the handel bars but luckley it hit another and put me back on again.
The only thought I had was Wow I almost died. That was it. Tipped it over again comming off a mountain.
I get so tired some times I wish it would all go away.

The only reason I am telling everybody this is I have to open up or crash and burn and my wife is gone out with friends so it gives my mind time to wander sometimes its good and sometimes its not. This is the not momment.

Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a middle-aged wommen.


Julie S

[Barbara Ella]

The realization that something has passed, and you need to accept a new idea of yourself can be a rough time for certain. Talking is so relieving, at least for me it has been. Feel free to talk here, and with your therapist, and please look for a local TG support group. Friends can help keep the mind from wandering too far off course, so feel free to come here and chat.

Don't fight what you feel.

Barbara

[jules]

That's what I'm banking on Barbara. And the support group is called new directions here in calgary just have to get the nerve to go down there.
I can't do this alone anymore and I have to be myself and let the chips fall where they may :(


Julie S

[PaulaAnn]

Julie;You're not alone....there's a few of us in the area and I'm sure we'll cross paths in Calgary.I'm in Airdrie.
PaulaAnn

[Rachelakld]

At school, I was one of the few whites, so I never had to beat myself up, I don't think you should either.
The past doesn't control our future, we learn from it, we let it go (near impossible for most loving, caring humans - shifting your point of view on events may help) and move on.

Inside each of us, is a hidden secret compartment, totally immune to the outside world, immune even to death, where only piece and love and oneself exists (part of the Father if your Christian). Some try to find it buy "hitting the wall (of exhaustion)". I prefer meditation.

Please feel free to rant and ramble as much and as often as you want to us :)

[Kimberly Kael]

...there's a few of us in the area and I'm sure we'll cross paths in Calgary.

I grew up in Calgary, but I was already living in the US before my first public excursions. When I attended Diva Las Vegas for the first time I met six folks of various trans stripes during the week. I do back to the city now and then, including the trip for my high school reunion which was an incredibly positive experience. One of my classmates married someone who later transitioned, and several had experiences with relatives. We're slowly coming out of the closet, becoming more visible every day.

[kimdl93]

I keep tellin you that quad is dangerous,

[jules]

Sorry for the late reply.
You could not resist colud you kim ;)
Quads are not dangerous its the people that drive them who make them that way:)
Not giving up my quad kim :)

To everyone else I know I'm not alone. Its just feels like it sometimes.
I have a long way to go and self acceptance is going to be the thing I have to accomplish.

Julie S