My wife found this blog now wants a divorce

[Rick5881]

My wife and I have been married three years but I didn't tell her about my cross-dressing until a couple months ago. I haven't cross-dress since we've been married other than wearing lipstick when I was alone, but she still didn't take it well. I told her I would stop wearing lipstick since it upset her so badly and I really would but after a couple of weeks she said she wanted me to be me, and I took to mean, that so long as she wasn't exposed it was okay, that was a mistake. I found this blog and began to post threads and comment on threads and even made a few new friends. One night after I had gone to bed she opened my iPad and found the blog and read all my posts and was very upset to say the least. I never thought she would go through my personal things so I didn't lock the iPad, another mistake. She woke me up and told me that she felt betrayed and cheated on and wanted a divorce, and no amount of begging from me could change her mind. I'm now living in my old house that we had rented out after we married. Im free to do what I want now but somehow my heart just isn't in it.

[linda allen]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here.

If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."

[Desirae]

I'm so sorry for you. That's terrible. A LONG time ago, I had a girlfriend and I told her that I liked to wear women's clothes. She didn't take it well either. She broke up with me right away. I know losing a girlfriend is not the same as losing a wife, but it still hurt, nonetheless. Since then I never told any subsequent girlfriends. I "hear" about women out there who are OK with their mate's crossdressing, but I have yet to meet any. Most people on this forum say that it is best to be upfront with your SO right away in the relationship. I don't know. It's illogical to think that one can keep a secret like this for any eternity from their mate. Maybe it is best to be honest early on in a relationship. At least you know where they stand then. Before everyone gets in too deep. I would say more women would not be into it than what would be into it. I think most women want a "manly" man and crossdressing would sort of blow that image for them. Good luck to you in whatever happens.

[Rachael Leigh]

So sorry for this, its so difficult for those of us who have non accepting wives, mine does know and she gets frustrated with it at times but she does let me be me as long as its not around her. I do hope you two can work thru this.

[Ressie]

I wouldn't beg anyway, but I would want to know more about "feeling cheated and betrayed". Just because she felt this doesn't mean it's true. Did you cheat or betray? But then again, I don't know what she say on the ipad.

3 years isn't a long time to be married and if it ends you might be better off in the long run. I can almost gaurantee that she has been discussing this with a friend for the last 2 months and is probably getting advice from someone that knows nothing about cross dressing.

I'm guessing you're feeling betrayed too - after all she made a vow for better or worse.

[Karren H]

At least she didn't find out 30 years down the road.... yeah 3 years maybe lost but you have the opportunity to start fresh... not make any more mistakes... make your life into what ever you want....

[Geneva Lake]

Lose her. She's not worth it.

[Erica Marie]

I have been a similar situation with my last gf. She was very open minded about sexual things so one night I figured I would tell her about my dressing. She didnt quite understand at first, but after awhile she said she was ok with it as long as I didnt dress in front of her. She even took me shopping and bought me a few things on her own. Just then she started messing around behind my back and used my dressing as an excuse. Well that was enough for me to be glad she wanted to leave. If I cant find a gg that can honestly say she is ok with my dressing and would be open to me dressing around her, then Ill stay single. I know there are ggs out there that are openminded enough to understand but I think they are few and far between
As for now, be strong and hold your head high. Accept yourself for who you are and in the long run you will be ok.

[Michelle V]

I understand the feeling of betrayal, you have to respect her feelings but it takes two to make it work. Hiding who we are unfortunately has been the way we deal with fitting in our society. Marriage and relationships are based in love and trust. Two very important factors that will make anything workout, love is number one and if there is no love there is no way to make it work. If you fell like you have a real future with your wife you must know if there is enough love to overcome any adversities, if there isn't it is time to move on and find yourself. New beginnings! That is what this is, whether you pursue your wife or decide to be on your own this sounds like a turning point in your life. Good luck

[Nadine Spirit]

Most people on this forum say that it is best to be upfront with your SO right away in the relationship. I don't know.

Yeah, I am one who espouses telling your SO right away. But I also believe in total honesty with any SO. Imagine if one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Shouldn't that be something that is discussed in the beginning and not after one is married? Shouldn't your SO know everything about you, so that a choice can be made? I think so.

I find it hard to imagine two people that are completely and hopelessly in love with everything about each other and then the relationship ending solely due to cross dressing. But then again I find it odd at this point to discover that I am an optimist and I believe that two people can work out anything, if they both really want to.

To the OP - I am so sorry that your SO does not approve, but maybe she feels as though you were not honest with her and that is more of the problem and not cross dressing. Cross dressing could be the easy thing to point to, but maybe it isn't the deeper reason.

[ReineD]

How old is your spouse, Rick, and how long have you been married?

[Christina Kay]

Understand and feel for you. Came out recently to my wife. It was a very difficult the 1st month for her. Betrayal , lies( not telling her I Cd'd before marriage) finding out about forum. I was guilty of all, but through a lot of talking , and her being so understanding and open minded. We are making progress. Time , understanding, comitment , are all factors too how this will play out for you. My thoughts are with you and your wife during , this difficult period. Hugs

[Jenniferathome]

You came out to her and she was able to deal with that. Then she sees that you have commented on this forum and want a divorce?!!? What did you write in your posts? You are leaving something out. Did you make promises to her after your coming out that you broke?

[Marcelle]

Hi Rick,

Firstly, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I had a quick look over your past posts and for the most part they are innocuous so I doubt there was anything in the posts which may have triggered such ire. However, it is possible that while your wife was accepting of the lipstick some of the stuff you discussed in your posts relate to dressing "en femme" and going out in public. So my question to you is . . . Did she know about these desires before she found your posts? It is plausible that on finding there was more to it than make-up this might have been a bridge too far for her to deal with. The other potential could be that she really and truly did want out, thought she might be okay with it, changed her mind and used this as the impetus for exit.

Is there a possibility that you will have the opportunity to talk things out with her? If so, it might be a good idea to ask her point blank "why the forum was the last straw". If it were truly the forum then you might be able to find some common ground and move forward in your relationship.

Good luck

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that you and your wife had a pretty thin relationship. As Linda said, people in a genuinely committed relationship don't look for excuses to get out at the first opportunity. Consider yourself fortunate.

[Michelle (Oz)]

3 years isn't a long time to be married and if it ends you might be better off in the long run. I can almost gaurantee that she has been discussing this with a friend for the last 2 months and is probably getting advice from someone that knows nothing about cross dressing.
This struck a chord with me. My ex seemed accepting of my dressing but line up another relationship over the last 6 months before announcing she was leaving. Mentally she had moved on from the marriage. Her friends were certainly giving her advice and encouragement to leave me.

Rick, you must change yor mindset from "it's my fault and I'm to blame'. Financially you are vulnerable even though you have only been together for 3 years. Why did you move out of your home? Why not your wife? With the same friends in her ear she will seek a large share of the settlement.

Tough advice but learned from bad experience.

[Jill Devine]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here.

If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."
My thoughts too. That was a very fast and drastic response. One would expect some back & forth before she wanted a divorce. Were there problems already and this was the last straw / excuse for her?

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rick;

There is a lot of pain here on both parts, You have to understand that her feelings of betrayal and being cheated on are real for her at this moment. In your other posts you mentioned telling her and being on some sort of road to acceptance. Usually at this point your spouse may feel the need to keep what is discussed between the two of you. Begging and making wild promises will not resolve things. I can tell from your post you have a lot of love for your spouse. Mayby asking her to read some of the posts from the GG's here will give her some basic understanding. The thing you have to focus on now is making sure you demonstrate that you are still committed to the relationship, by doing the same things you have always done, paying the bills, working, chores around the houses. Ask for a period of reconciliation. Where you both can read about TG/CD to gain a better understanding of what it is and what it is not. I would even go as far as to ask one of the gg's here such as Reine to email your spouse.

[JennyLynn]

The mere fact that she snooped tells me she was never going to be ok with it. This problem started at the beginning. Take a break from each other and help her understand via this site. It will be what it is meant to be in the end.
Good luck!
JennyLynn

[Rick5881]

In my mind we had a wonderful marriage, I love her dearly. I'm not sure why she responded the way she did, the only thing she could have done to make me respond in such a way is if she were unfaithfull. I did post to a friend that she looked amaseing ,that she could easily pass as a woman, something I could never do as I'm not blessed with female looks. If I had any clue that my secret would cause so much pain I would have kept it all to myself.

[PaulaQ]

The mere fact that she snooped tells me she was never going to be ok with it.

Yeah, JennyLynn is right in my opinion, in fact, I think it is fairly obvious that she never "accepted" your dressing at all, in any way shape nor form.

Look, I know first hand how bad this sucks (my wife and I have been separated for 4 months now, after 17 years of marriage), but if she can't come to terms with this and you divorce, what you have to remember is that 50% of the marriages out there end, lots of them for really stupid reasons. (Minor crossdressing and posting on what has to be the tamest transgender forum on the internet is a pretty f-ing stupid reason for divorce, imo.) This isn't really any different, in the grand scheme of things, than people who argue over stupid selfish shit with each other, and then divorce.


Except, of course, you aren't miserable, and so it's agonizingly painful for you. And your horrible betrayal is to try to express a part of yourself in private, and on an anonymous forum. OMFG! The horror! <sarcasm> Again, I am deeply sorry and sympathetic to you, and hope she'll come around.

Hire a good divorce attorney, and fast. She may well have already hired one when she discovered you, and was just waiting for any excuse to pull the trigger. Protect yourself, hon.

[Stephanie47]

I see you're 54. You are living in a house you lived in prior to marrying her. Married three years. You are better off than someone who gets divorced after thirty or forty years. At least financially. I suspect your wife is too set in her ways and not amiable to your needs. Just think of all the turmoil in a marriage you are avoiding.

[sometimes_miss]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here. If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."

and


(Minor crossdressing and posting on what has to be the tamest transgender forum on the internet is a pretty f-ing stupid reason for divorce, imo.).

See, this is what so many here want to believe; that crossdressing simply isn't a big deal. Then something like this gets posted, and it smacks us in the face that well, maybe it is to a woman. The sad fact is, we don't get to choose what turns us on, or what turns us off. So when a woman discovers her man isn't as manly as she thought he was, the attraction can instantly vanish. Then if she also discovers that he either hides stuff, doesn't tell her things, or worse, actually lies to her, that lack of attraction can turn to feeling repulsed by him. Then the love disappears. And the anger over 'giving up all those years of her life' for you kicks in, and you're really screwed. And then, very often it's all over but the signatures on the divorce. While it can sometimes go the other way, sadly Rick's experience is the most common (been there, done that).

Rick, you can try to get her to marriage counseling, but as above, if her sexual attraction to you is damaged, then she'll probably wind up finding a replacement male for her sexual desires to target. Good luck anyway. Oh, and you may as well start damage control. Angry wives can make bad enemies. Open a checking account, non interest bearing so it doesn't get reported to anyone, and put some cash away, because your wife may empty all your joint accounts. Make sure you have some clothes put away too, because you might come home to a house with the locks all changed. If she's pissed, she could have all your credit cards reported stolen, OR charge a ton of crossdressing crap first to establish you're 'deviancy', and later report your cards stolen. If she has keys to your car, that can suddenly disappear. And if you ever took any pictures of yourself en femme, destroy them unless you'd like to see them on the front page of a newspaper, however unlikely that may be (she could report you missing, then supply pictures so people could help 'find' you in case you were crossdressed and got amnesia). Prepare for the worst. If it doesn't happen, great. But if it does, at least you aren't left with nothing; no cash, no credit, no home. An angry wife knows all your weak spots, and might use them.


I see you're 54. You are living in a house you lived in prior to marrying her. Married three years. You are better off than someone who gets divorced after thirty or forty years. At least financially. I suspect your wife is too set in her ways and not amiable to your needs. Just think of all the turmoil in a marriage you are avoiding.
Unfortunately we don't get to experience the 'relief' of all the problems for years. In the present, all we experience is a tremendous sense of loss.

Good luck, Rick. You're going to need it.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

I am so sorry to see a marriage suffer. I guess I consider myself lucky in that there has been good communication between my wife and I during the last 2years. Before that I may have found myself in your situation. I came out and told her about Tiffany before joining this forum and found support from everyone here as well as my wife ( we read this forum together). The trick is keeping the lines of communication open.

[Stephanie Morgan]

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. Her going through your things when you are asleep means something is amiss for sure. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you.

hugs,
Stephanie

[ReineD]

Rick, I also took the liberty of reading your posts.

Here is a quick summary of the things you said that might have raised a red flag for me, had I been a complete newbie with the CDing. If your wife is unfamiliar with your history and your current desires, the following statements might have shocked her:

- Your first memory of desire was about age 7, the first time you dressed was age 12.
- You want to remove body hair because you love the feeling of hose on your legs.
- You hope to one day go out dressed.
- You hope that one day you can "really" be yourself (to a newbie wife, this means a woman).
- You were preparing to order a bra online and get your makeup and clothes back together.
- During the week at work, the thought of the weekend coming when you can CD keeps you excited.
- You referred to the time that your wife went away as "play time".
- You desire to be open to the public.
- You did tell a few CDers here they were attractive.

Please understand that I am 110% supportive of my SO and we go out together dressed. I understand everything you've said and I understand you telling other CDers they are attractive, but I can see why your wife would have become frightened by reading all of this. To her, it sounds as if you have a secret desire to be a woman, you get sexually excited by the CDing, you look forward to her going away so you can play, you want to out yourself, and you are attracted to other CDers.

Your wife is sorely in need of an education about what it all means and also she needs to understand that she cannot take your words at face value. I don't know what else to suggest other than begging her to join here, so that she can talk to other wives/girlfriends, and/or possibly ask her own questions to the membership.

[PaulaQ]

See, this is what so many here want to believe; that crossdressing simply isn't a big deal. Then something like this gets posted, and it smacks us in the face that well, maybe it is to a woman.

Hey, I'm not denying the reality that CDing is a big damn deal-breaker for some women. FAR from it! I know first hand what's it's like to be with someone with zero tolerance for any gender variance at all. I'm just saying that it seems dumb for some of the stuff people here do (wearing just panties, for example, or just lipstick) to be such a big deal. Unfortunately, my opinion about it doesn't matter in the slightest. It is a big damned deal for some SO's, there is no question in my mind about that.

Sorry if I was unclear on that. There is enough social stigma still associated with CDing, particularly with some spouses, that you can't take acceptance for granted from anyone.

[suchacutie]

I do hope you have a lawyer as you'll need one quickly. It does sound like she was already on the edge and you posts pushed all the wrong buttons. Seek professional help as part of the process if you wish to try keeping the relationship together.

[Lynn Marie]

Although I justified it at the time, I now understand how I "betrayed" both my ex wife and subsequent girlfriend by hiding from them this very important and profound part of me. I assembled and hid from them a tiny wardrobe, secretly dressed, and explored emotional if not sexual relationships with other people who also were hiding things from their loved ones. If either of them had "snooped" on me after discovering my longterm deception, I feel that they would have been fully justified.

How would I feel if my SO hid from me that she was seeing an old flame for years after marrying me even if it was was just an emotional friendship?

[Rick5881]

Your words ring true, I guess I got over excited after reading post from people that are like me and over reacted in a big way. I do truly love my wife and I'm honestly sorry that my weakness hurt her, that's a guilt that I'll have to live with every day from now on.

[Michelle789]

Rick,

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I think it's unfair that she just went into your ipad, your personal belongings are yours and she shouldn't violate them.


Here is a quick summary of the things you said that might have raised a red flag for me, had I been a complete newbie with the CDing. If your wife is unfamiliar with your history and your current desires, the following statements might have shocked her:


I also read your posts. She probably came to the assumption that you're a TS and were going to transition to living full-time as a woman. She's probably completely uneducated about CDing, and is talking with a friend who has no clue about CDing, and came to erroneous conclusions. A couple of things I picked up on.
- You said you hope to someday be your true self - this could be interpreted as transitioning to be a woman to someone who knows nothing about CDing
- You had a fantasy as a kid that you were turned into a girl via a girl-making machine - this could've been the kicker, if she knows nothing about CDing she would interpret this as you being TS (she probably knows nothing about being TS either)

I would definitely suggest inviting her to join this forum, and to speak with other wives of CDs. That would help her tremendously.

A few other questions for you:
- Is there anything else that you did or said earlier in the marriage that could cause her to want a divorce?
- Does she have a history of doing impulsive things, or saying things (big or small) she later comes to regret?
- Does she have any known personality or mental disorders?

I find it hard to believe someone would ask for a divorce just for minor CDing without even trying to work it out, without even giving you a chance to defend yourself. Well, maybe not, some people are that intolerant. But it's definitely a shame and idiotic of her to ask for a divorce over something so minor like this, especially without giving you a chance to defend yourself. I mean, women take all sorts of crap from men like drunkenness, not paying bills, and men who beat them and call them terrible names. It's really sad that something so minor like this could cause a quickie divorce. Barring anything revealed from the questions above, I would say there is a combination of two things happening here:
- She saw your comment about your fantasy to be turned into a girl
- She is probably talking over with a friend or family member who is completely ignorant to CDing

[Beverley Sims]

I know how you feel, make every effort to reunite as you should remember why you married in the first place.
Look outside the circle and see what else would have precipitated this split.
It is not just dressing that causes it there is some other underlying reason as well.

[Di]

Your words ring true, I guess I got over excited after reading post from people that are like me and over reacted in a big way. I do truly love my wife and I'm honestly sorry that my weakness hurt her, that's a guilt that I'll have to live with every day from now on.
It is not a weakness BUT a part of you.

I agree with Reine....her reading your posts....with her not understanding yet the mindset of a cder would freek someone out. ( like you were happy she was going away so you could dress ect)

Do not make promises you can not keep and maybe invite her here to us GGs in FAB where she can talk freely and have support and gain more understanding..
Best Wishes

[linda allen]

Apparently it's what you posted, not the fact that you wear women's clothes that is causing the problem. Reading the summary Reine posted, I'm not surprised. I hope the two of you can work it out but you're going to have to find a way to convince her that you are still the "man" she thought she was marrying.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rick;

Are you still in contact with your wife ? If so, take some time today to write her a letter/email. Don't make wild promises, just be open and honest. The thing to remember is this is not a weakness, it is a strength you have that you are willing to discuss this with your wife. Sometimes I think family members don't understand how vulnerable a person has to be, to bring this out in the open.

[Sara Jessica]

Lose her. She's not worth it.

Yes, because we all know it's all her fault. :eek:

I'm kind of in agreement that it seems there is more to this than meets the eye but when all is said and done, we live in a cis-gendered world and some women simply cannot get their head around this whole thing. That is not something which is their fault, it is what it is.

[CarlaWestin]

I agree with all of the advice/information here so I won't repeat it. I've already lived these scenarios and I'm about the same age as you. As soon as you can, get over the remorse and loathing. Your new life starts as soon as you get this episode into it's proper perspective. Good luck!

[Jaylyn]

Just reading all this just makes me want to go and give my wife a big old hug.... Wow I couldn't, wouldn't , wanna go thru life with my best friend by my side. Us that have helpful wives at our side need to count our blessings.
Now my suggestion is this. If she had already given you the permission to cd but just not in front of her then she has the problem with it. This forum in my opinion is part of my dressing therapy. It helps keep me going when I can't dress. It also answers many questions I have about why I feel the way I do. If you really love her and want to continue the marriage hold your head up and be a man about it. Go to her get it worked out. You may find she is testing the waters of this CD thing to see if you want it more than her. Even though I CD I still love my wife. You need to evaluate where you are in your love to her. My wife knows about this forum and sometimes reads interesting post on here. I feel that just by reading all the other post that your wife was looking for a reason to send you a packing and it was the forum posting she found that was the final straw. If this is the case then It maybe for the best. Those are hard words to hear but rest assured if you both don't have true love for each other then no matter what the marriage vows said, the marriage was likely not gonna make it all the way to the end. Just go to her talk it out and see where you stand then decide your next step. If it a divorce then get a better lawyer and get your fair share. Just my opinion...

[stefan37]

I hope in the future you disclose early in the relationship. Yeah you may get rejected frequently, but when you find the right person, your life can be conducted with honesty and no hiding our lying.

[kathrynt21]

Rick-
Sorry to hear of all your troubles.
I've read all of your posts and seriously cannot fathom why she would be so upset. While I understand that she is angry because you didn't tell her from the start (I made the same mistake!), what I read was a series of posts from someone looking for answers and advice for an issue that all of us have struggled to try and understand.
There was nothing prurient or off color or even vaguely sexual in any of your posts. In fact the one that could be considered provocative, if only by the thread title, was the bisexual issue that SHE brought up!.
One would hope that after reading them she would have understood that you are looking for support and understanding.
I am, again, sorry for your suffering.
But, you are who you are and if she can't accept that all of the parts of you are the person she married (even if you didn't tell her up front) you have a long road ahead.
You have done nothing wrong. Believe in yourself and those who support you.
I hope things work out for you two.

[Kathy_G]

I seldom comment on these things although I have been a member here for some years. My late wife (of fifty years) had problems with any thought of my cross-dressing.

As ReineD has said, I also had a look at your previous postings. And, as she has noted:
- Your first memory of desire was about age 7, the first time you dressed was age 12.
- You want to remove body hair because you love the feeling of hose on your legs.
- You hope to one day go out dressed.
- You hope that one day you can "really" be yourself (to a newbie wife, this means a woman).
- You were preparing to order a bra online and get your makeup and clothes back together.
- During the week at work, the thought of the weekend coming when you can CD keeps you excited.
- You referred to the time that your wife went away as "play time".
- You desire to be open to the public.
- You did tell a few CDers here they were attractive. If he fancies men he must be gay !!!

My take on this is that your wife, in her naïveté, initially viewed your desire to wear soft feminine attire as a ‘kink’; little realising how widespread that desire was in the male population of this world. She then found her way to this forum and discovered you were only one of tens of thousands (probably millions) worldwide who shared your obsession. It was no longer kinkiness in her husband. It was a worldwide kinkiness that she could not live with. Heavens, he’s weird. They are all bl**dy weird! Men don’t do that. If he wants to be one of “those” then I am getting out.

She will probably never accept that any man might wish to experience the pleasure of a nylon underskirt slithering across nylon panties on his buttocks. That pleasure is restricted to women.

It is a sad reflection on womankind that their husbands or significant others cannot enjoy expressing that bit of femininity that exists in all of us.

[MatildaJ.]

She will probably never accept that any man might wish to experience the pleasure of a nylon underskirt slithering across nylon panties on his buttocks. That pleasure is restricted to women.

Most women don't take pleasure in those sensations. That pleasure is restricted to cross-dressers.

[Eryn]

Jess, few take pleasure in something that is mundane for them. Nevertheless, the clothing manufacturers choose to use those fabrics because most women prefer them. OTOH, there are a lot of fabrics women wear that are just plain harsh, almost burlap- or carpet-like. All in the name of fashion.

CDers tend to perceive these differences more sharply because we don't spend all of our time in girl world. Like an ethnologist observing another culture we sometimes come up with oversimplified conclusions but these are sufficient for our limited needs.

Returning to the OP's problem, I agree that his spouse's reaction seems to be overly severe. My feeling is that there is much more to the story than we have heard, and perhaps the CDing is simply the "straw that broke the camel's back" in this situation.

The only advice I can give is to communicate. This may lead to resolving the issue or might yield clues that warn you that it is time to engage legal counsel. All you can do is try.

[Rick5881]

In my mind we had a wonderful marriage, we spent time together in the hot tub, grilling steaks, watching movies ant just plain talking for hours on end.we never ran out of things to talk about, I made it a point to tell her how pretty she is and how much I love her every day.I told her how happy she made me and I iplaned on spending the rest of my life trying to make her happy. If there's more to the story I don't know it

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rick;

You need to tell your wife that, write her a letter, Sounds like you have a lot to gain.

[Rick5881]

I'm writing Her a song,relating back to the day we met and how much she changed my life. The words so far are,
I been so long lost inside myself, afraid to face this world alone.
My broken heart upon a dusty shelf, a Castaway without a home.
But then from somewhere out of the blue, I woke up when you walked in.
Then all at once when I looked in your eyes, my heart began to beat again.
Chorus.
You gave me hope, you made me feel like I'm alive,
You gave me strength, and all I need is you my darling,
By my side...

[Jill Devine]

Rick I am pulling for you! Maybe with some time she will cool off and want to talk.
I know how much this type of thing can hurt because I've been through a separation once (unrelated to dressing though). I know the feeling of fear and pain. Crying yourself to sleep. Hang in there.

[Rick5881]

Rick I am pulling for you! Maybe with some time she will cool off and want to talk.
I know how much this type of thing can hurt because I've been through a separation once (unrelated to dressing though). I know the feeling of fear and pain. Crying yourself to sleep. Hang in there.

Don't be a fool, don't be blind, Life sometimes can be on unkind,
Keep the lessons that you've learned, try to leave regrets behind
And be thankful each day, for blessings that have come your way,
Hold the ones you love tight, that's the secret to life

[sarah378619]

I am very sorry. Know that there were deeper issues than your dressing that caused the end to the marriage. I am divorced also. Also know that your desires to dress will return with your new freedom in time. They will also probably get stronger. Just be yourself, that is all anyone can do. Do what you need to settle your divorce and move on. hopefully you will find a woman that accepts you for you. That is what true love is all about. Hugs Hun.
Sarah

[mary something]

tell us more about her please Rick. What do you know of her previous marriage(s) and how did she explain to you how and why they ended? How frequently were you guys having sex during the last couple months you lived together?

[Rick5881]

The previous marriage ended due to infidelity, she was single for 15 years before we married. For over a year she's had a really bad time with menopause. She would often misread things I would say, and get her feelings hurt. For example one time she called me at work to tell me that her mother had sent me a Father's Day card, I said ahh, that was silly she didn't have to do that. I said it in a kind loving way because I do love her mother, but she was enraged because she thought I was calling her mother stupid. That took a couple of days to get straightened out she was so angry with me. I knew she was having a hard time but I thought we would get through this together and till then I would always be supportive. As far as our intimacy went we were both busy, both working but it was always at least twice a week. Now I just wish she would call me so I could hear voice, I miss her so terribly.

[Guy19]

Im so sorry to hear about that

[mary something]

I'm sorry to hear that Rick :( The incident with the fathers day card is unusual though wasn't it? What was the source of her rage do you remember or did she ever fully open up about it? Does she have kids from another man maybe?

Sometimes incidents are triggers for people of things from their past that still cause them pain and they relive those emotions later even if the circumstances are different.

I thought your song lyrics are really good, keep writing!

[Rick5881]

The Father's Day was simply a
misunderstanding on her part.when I said that was silly she took pit to mean I was calling her mother silly. All I really meant was her mother was so sweet to go to the trouble of going out and getting a card and mailing it to me. But like I said I think it was all caused from menopausal issues. And thanks for the compliment on my song lyrics I'm not sure which one it was but I do enjoy writing music at Soothes my soul.

[Tara D. Rose]

I feel you on the menopause. My wife has been going through it ever since we have been married, 5.5 years. Tomorrow she goes to see her divorce attorney. She takes everything I have ever said totally out of context and uses it against me. Then she attacks me being a cross dresser, which she encouraged to be myself a few years ago. She was a very well loved member on here for a while. All those pills she takes, I'm always wrong. Trying to kill me on many occasions, etc. I don't want to hi jack this thread, maybe start my own.

Tara

[Eryn]

[Moderator hat on]
Folks, using menopause as an excuse/reason for undesired behavior can be interpreted as being disrespectful to women. Let's get back to the original issues of this thread so we won't have to close it.

Eryn

[Jill Devine]

Rick have you heard anything from your wife yet?

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Did I read you are 54? If you've never been married before, that's unusual.

Don't vex over this "lost three years of my life stuff." There is such as thing as marriage counseling but take it easily. Your goal should be a relationship you can live with, not some groveling affair to set yourself up for being caught in another lie.

The ex-legal aid lawyer in my says that your wife is going to feel that way. That's natural. However, if she can't get over it, then the relationship won't work. You are not supposed to have your heart into it now. It's too early.

Breathe deeply, don't drink or drug over it and take a walk. Wait and see.

My best, , :hugs:

[Rick5881]

Yes through Facebook, she said she was too hurt to talk to me right now, she has an uncle that's dieing, she's under a lot of stress. I still hold on to the chance that we can put this behind us and we can get back together, it's all I can hope for, I'm praying that God will help me, I'm so lost and alone.

No I've been married before for 21 years. I made mistakes in my first marriage that I've tried to correct, and in reality three years isn't a lifetime, but this one felt like the one, a more mature love, I love her as if we had been together forever

[Annaliese2010]

Don't worry Rick5881. I bet things'll work out for you. She seems a bit draconian IMO. Look, my 1st wife lasted 3 yrs too. Married a 2nd GG and that lasted a looong time before it ended in divorce too. Now I'm totally free. And overall glad! Though my trip is uncomplicated. No children. No alimony. Just have to sell my pretty house is all.

When kids are involved, that's when it gets potentially torturous I guess. If your young and don't have any yet, I'd say Good for you! Just give her the divorce. And I'm sure you will eventually find the right woman for you down the line. To me, the most important thing is Honesty. I know it's hard but in the end your better off that way. Have faith in your essential Goodness. Sounds like your a good person.

You'll be OK. Afterall this is the 21'st century. People are very accepting of each other. Bet you'll find a girl who is accepting of you FOR you. Probly not too far down the road. BE yourself girl. You shall know happiness someday soon I bet. Kisses n hugs.

[Rick5881]

Thank you for your words of support, i'm in a really bad place emotionally and words of wisdom I do value greatly. Finding this website with people that understand me has been a blessing, I can't help who I am I'm not ashamed of it. I'm a man with needs, needs that I don't understand but needs still the same. I know that in the social environment I'm different, people would look down on me for what I am. But I know that I'm a good person with good intentions, and never meant to hurt anyone especially someone that I loved, but life is what it is and so am I.

[Alice Torn]

Rick, I have never been married, but have lost humdreds of times in love, and my heart cannot take any more breaking. At 59, amd out of work, and poor, i have nothing more to offer a lady. I hope your wife will calm down, and be willing to talk it out. If she comes around, that is good. But, if she does not, and will not compromise, be a free man, and being single is way better, than constant fighting. I have constant fighting with me two older twin brothers. Bad enough. I am hurting some now, over a lady i liked on Facebook, that rejected me for another guy, and she keeps rubbing it in, by posting pics of them, and praising him. I posted Johnny Cash doing and old Hank Williams song. "Men With Broken Hearts." That song tells the story of my lonesome life, and many other men, including crossdressers.

[Rick5881]

Bless you Alice I pray for your contentment, and joy in life. You deserve happiness , and you are good. Your compassion is something to be appreciated and experienced.that will make someone's life richer, I hope you find that someone, I hope they find you, you're an angel

[Robbin_Sinclair]

.....she's under a lot of stress. I still hold on to the chance that we can put this behind us and we can get back together, it's all I can hope for, I'm praying that God will help me, I'm so lost and alone.

Try including your wife and uncle in your prayers.

If you the least bit close to uncle maybe a trip to wherever he is with something he would like....cookies, cake or just conversation. Without your wife, if that is okay.

For me, I can get out of an unhappy situation by helping others. Prayer is the start. Meditation (aka listening to your god) is next. Then, and only then, action.

Give it a try. Let me know how it goes. You can PM me. I'll put you in my version of praying...oops, just did.

:hugs:

[Jill Devine]

Hold onto a picture in your mind of your love for her and her love for you. Claim and own the feeling of her still loving you - of her loving even more. Claim the feeling of reconciliation.
You are much more likely to attract what what you want then instead of focusing on the hurt. It's tough (I know!).

[mary something]

Rick you seem like such a sweet and compassionate guy! You deserve a wife who treats you as well as you treat her! I'm sorry that you're feeling as much pain as you are right now but the fact that she said that she didn't want to talk to you because of an illness in her family sounds like a red flag to me. If it were you and someone in your family was sick wouldn't you want your wife right there beside you and offering love and support?

[Melissa_59]

She woke me up and told me that she felt betrayed and cheated on and wanted a divorce, and no amount of begging from me could change her mind.

She felt cheated on? Exactly how? It's not like you're having sex with other women, for the love of mud. I can never understand overemotional people who just start lining up things like that when their feelings are hurt. "I felt cheated on, run over by a bulldozer, sprayed with poison gas, blown into tiny bits in the Lord's mercy, decapitated by a killer rabbit..." ad nauseaum. I've told people like that to cut the drama and grow up, because they seriously need to.

Honestly you will probably be better off without her. You obviously loved her but if she's collapsed over this and started laying everything on that thick, it's going to snap one day anyway. I don't mean to be harsh but overly dramatic people like that need to grow up.

[Tina_gm]

What Rick's wife has expressed is likely how many women feel initially after being told or discovering of Cding. For most, they get over those initial feelings. Rick's wife obviously has not gotten past that. Some can't. I agree, that if it is this much of a struggle, perhaps Rick should not attempt to hold onto this marriage. While we often do hear of how horrible a wife or GF's reaction is on here, we usually do not ever get a chance to hear their side. I also believe that how the CDing is presented goes a long way as well. (not suggesting that this is the case for Rick,) but just in general.

[Kelly DeWinter]

She felt cheated on? Exactly how? It's not like you're having sex with other women, for the love of mud. I can never understand overemotional people who just start lining up things like that when their feelings are hurt. "I felt cheated on, run over by a bulldozer, sprayed with poison gas, blown into tiny bits in the Lord's mercy, decapitated by a killer rabbit..." ad nauseaum. I've told people like that to cut the drama and grow up, because they seriously need to.

Honestly you will probably be better off without her. You obviously loved her but if she's collapsed over this and started laying everything on that thick, it's going to snap one day anyway. I don't mean to be harsh but overly dramatic people like that need to grow up.

That's a pretty callus attitude , people have feelings and in situations like this she has a right to feel her feelings, Some people blow up because of a lot of little things that build, until one item sets them off, then once it all settles out the two people talk and are able to clear the air and rebuild in some fashion. I'm sure she's very grown up. Mature people recognize feelings and how important thay are.

[Rick5881]

She has cut off all contact with me, she won't answer the phone, return texts or emails, and when I tried to message her on Facebook she de-friended me. I want my marriage to work, I truly love her but she has abandoned me completely, I don't know what more I can do.

[giuseppina]

Well, Rick, this may seem callous, but it appears the only thing left to get her attention is serve her with separation/divorce papers.

Crossdressing is not an acceptable reason marriage breakdown in the Western world. Don't let her take you to the cleaners. Property is supposed to be divided equally between the two ex-partners.

It is in your interest to find a good barrister/solicitor.

I am saddened that your wife has chosen to estrange.

Don't be surprised if the (metaphoric) knives come out. If they do, it reflects on her, not you.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

She has cut off all contact with me, she won't answer the phone, return texts or emails, and when I tried to message her on Facebook she de-friended me. I want my marriage to work, I truly love her but she has abandoned me completely, I don't know what more I can do.

You can throw in prayer and meditation into the mix but don't obsess on her. She is probably not the right one for you but people should not expect quick solutions. Knee jerk action usually is not the best.

If you have property and financial exposure, certainly call a lawyer, just for advice. Also, it may be hard to find the right one who will not be judgmental about you. If there are gay lawyers where you live, that may be the route.

Life can be good. You'll get through this.

[mary something]

I know crossdressing complicates things here but Rick there are just so many red flags... Her behavior is textbook for a spouse who is cheating. Projected blaming, cutting off all contact for illogical reasons, insisting on having separate living quarters.

Read some relationship forums and see what you think. Read older, longer threads and compare behaviors in the threads where cheating is discovered. Many women who do cheat never get caught by their ex partner.

A personality disorder explains her behavior also. Either way try to step outside yourself and look at it from another perspective.

Stop trying to contact her. It's not helping you or the relationship. Write songs, write letters to her you don't send, express yourself but not to her directly.

I'm sorry for your pain :hugs:

She doesn't want the same things that you want. Love her enough to respect that and let her go because that is what it seems she is asking of you.

I've got a feeling that at some point in the future when you find someone who loves you the way that you love you'll see that this needed to happen so you could be happier. Things happen for a reason even if we don't realize what it is at the time.

[Rick5881]

I know crossdressing complicates things here but Rick there are just so many red flags... Her behavior is textbook for a spouse who is cheating. Projected blaming, cutting off all contact for illogical reasons, insisting on having separate living quarters.

Read some relationship forums and see what you think. Read older, longer threads and compare behaviors in the threads where cheating is discovered. Many women who do cheat never get caught by their ex partner.

A personality disorder explains her behavior also. Either way try to step outside yourself and look at it from another perspective.

Stop trying to contact her. It's not helping you or the relationship. Write songs, write letters to her you don't send, express yourself but not to her directly.

I'm sorry for your pain :hugs:

She doesn't want the same things that you want. Love her enough to respect that and let her go because that is what it seems she is asking of you.

I've got a feeling that at some point in the future when you find someone who loves you the way that you love you'll see that this needed to happen so you could be happier. Things happen for a reason even if we don't realize what it is at the time.

I can't give anymore most soul away
And still look myself in the mirror every day
I can't change anymore of what lets me be myself
And still have enough left, not to be somebody else
I'm not demanding as a man
I'm just asking you to love me for what I am. Rick