Please tell me that it gets better

[Amy A]

Hi all.

This is going to sound a bit whingy, but I really need to have a moan!

My current situation:

I'm one month into full time.
I've changed my name by deed poll with everyone who matters.
I've started electrolysis after less than impressive results with laser.
My hair isn't long enough yet so I have to wear a wig for the time being.
I'm on the waiting list for Leeds GIC but won't be seen until sometime next year after April.

My problems:

Wearing a wig is horrible. I constantly worry about people spotting it, and I hate the way it looks even though its a good one and people say it looks convincing. I think it's because I know it's not real.

I'm constantly battling to keep the stubble on my top lip hidden. It's fine everywhere else, but I'm sure that everyone else notices. Daily shaving is making my skin really sore and rough.

It feels like such a long time before I'll get on to hormones. It could be another year yet as far as I know.

I have no money for FFS.

It feels like my life is on hold. I'm just waiting, waiting for my hair to grow, for the electrolysis to reduce my facial hair, waiting for Leeds to get in touch and tell me it's my turn. I feel like I have nothing to live for, I'm just trying to get through each day. I just want to know if other people have felt like this, and if it got better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not even contemplating quitting. I can't go back. I just feel so hopeless at the moment.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Amy, you've made a good start. I know the waiting lists seem long, but it is at least partly because they take the time to treat us as individuals with differing needs but this is unfortunately time-consuming.

One thing that helped me with Charing Cross was letting them know that I would accept cancellations - this cut out about 6 weeks between my 1st and 2nd visit IIRC.

I understand how you feel about wigs, I was not too keen, but it was better than the alternative until I had enough hair of my own.

Shaving can be a right royal pain in the arris, but if your skin is getting sore, have you considered an after-shave balm?

I found the thing to cling to when I was feeling down was that it is worth it to finally be able to be true to myself.

[AllieSF]

Amy, from what you just wrote and what I have read here from so many others in transition it sounds like you are definitely moving forward, with a plan or at least with steps in the right direction. Your problems mentioned seem so similar to all the others and, on the surface at least, appear typical and not major ones. I would also think that your times will definitely get better as you start to see more positive physical results, get further into the process and more comfortable with your decisions. You will most likely have some low or even lower points as you move down that path. Good luck, and my only recommendation would be to celebrate your milestones, even the small ones, whenever you can.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I still shave almost every day...mostly on the sides of my chin...ugh...a bit of stubble every day .. I plan to kickstart my next 50 hours of electrolysis soon, but I've been saying that for over a year...

you will have these and more troubles amy...keep up the good attitude because it will serve you well!!!

remember, you are a woman...you are just living your best quality of life as a woman with all the ups and downs.....and yes, having to start with all that testosterone and male experience is part of the downs..having to go through these growing pains is just part of the process

your wig is truly excellent...and you have the type of face that is best to have if you don't get ffs...your wig looks so good be ready to be disappointed in your own hair...that happened to me and to be honest I am very lucky with my hair and in the end I was happy with it..

but when you get to the bottom line, this is going to work out!! one day at a time!!

btw...how long is your hair? is going wigless truly impossible...
people should read what you are saying... I have talked to people that excitedly told me how they would get a "human hair" wig that they were excited to style...almost like they couldn't wait to wear a wig everyday..
as you know , everyday all day is grind with it on...maybe you can really truly KNOW in your soul that you are a woman and ditch the wig at times...wear a scarf...deal with short hair for a while....it will help you get used to people looking at you at worst

[Amy A]

My hair is currently down to my eyebrows/tops of ears. It was last cut by a hairdresser who knew that I was transitioning so it isn't hugely masculine. I do hope that in the next 2/3 months I could get rid of the wig and dye my hair a crazy red.

I can see how full time really can sort out who's serious and who's not. I see a lot of posts on other parts of this forum that talk of living full time as one big long girly dream, but the truth is it's not something anyone would put themselves through if they didn't have to.

[emma5410]

Hi Amy,
If you read any of my posts you can see that I struggled with my RLE but things are a 1000% better now. Hang in there it can be a struggle but it is worth it. It gets better and you will make it.
I noticed that you do not mention the other aspects of RLE. Are your family and friends still supportive? How are people at work? Do you feel that you pass among strangers or are you getting a negative reaction? If you are passing then maybe the wig and your upper lip are not the problem you imagine. If these are all going well then you are doing fine. I know only too well how easy it is to see the negatives and not the positives.
It is strange but I never noticed women's upper lips until I started electrolysis. When you do it is surprising how many women have problems with hair there. Obviously not to the extent we do but no one seems to notice.
You can buy heavy duty concealer designed to hide 5 'o' clock shadow. That might be worth trying. Transformation in Bury will probably sell it although they do tend to be very expensive. I would not recommend their hormones or use their private gender clinic based on what I have read on the internet.
You could consider going private while you are waiting. I had assessments by a psychiatrist and an endo who work at Charing Cross. If you are full time and they assess you (using NHS standards) as TS the endo might consider prescribing privately. He told me he would if I was living full time. It is expensive at about £200 each for the psychiatrist and the endo but it might be worth it.

EDIT
I should point put that I was already self medding when I went to see them so maybe they were more prepared to prescribe to bring me under professional care.

[JennyLynn]

With our choices come the struggles. The pain and sacrifice is what makes us stong in the end. If this was easy, would you value it more? You will make it through this stage, you will suffer and stuggle, you will come out the other side a stronger and wiser person because of the struggle. Embrace the pain. It will prepare you for the future. We all want to have life "easy", but life is truly lived by experiencing the fierce pain, failure, struggle and eventual overcoming and triumph of those things which challenge us. Keep on keeping on... you will survive and be stronger for what you are experiencing now. Never give up. Be strong.

Jenny

[Rachel Smith]

Hang in there Amy. Believe me it gets so much better. After suffering depression most of my life I still cannot believe how happiness feels. You are lucky in that you are young enough to grow your own hair, mine fell out years ago. Be patient and like was already said enjoy every little step along the way.

Hugs
Rachel

[Badtranny]

With our choices come the struggles.

Wow you really seem to have a handle on this transition thing.

It all looks so easy from behind the closet door, yes?

[Nicole Erin]

Don't forget to live life while you are waiting for everything to be perfect.
Hair - Sounds to me like it is probably fine. Some women (TS or GG) keep short styles. I do. Mine looks like crap if it gets too long. Just google "short woman hairstyle" and notice the selection.

Facial hair - If you can tough it, get an epilator or start tweezing. It won't get 100$ but will get enough so you don't have to shave every day. That and shadow will become a thing of the past. Besides, even if someone has SOME facial hair, as long as it is easily hidden with a light layer of makeup, it is not hindering.

FFS - If those are your honest photos, not photoshopped, then you do not need FFS. It would be a more risky than it is worth. Maybe you want it but you really don't need it.

Hormones - they are not as powerful as everyone thinks. They do help a bit but you are not gonna turn into a model.

Anyways, in the meantime, don;t forget you do have a life other than being TS.

[I Am Paula]

One of the really hard parts is to learn to stop being your own worst critic.
You look at your face and see man.
The rest of the world sees boobs, and sees woman.

[Lady Slipper]

Amy, you once said something to me that helped me feel better about being CD/TG, maybe I can reciprocate.

"Freedom isn't free, no there's a hefty f*****g fee." Be free sister, pay those fees and be free.

-Stephanie

[Angela Campbell]

One of the really hard parts is to learn to stop being your own worst critic.
You look at your face and see man.
The rest of the world sees boobs, and sees woman.

I don't see boobs when I look at my face.....then again how many actually look at my face.

[dreamer_2.0]

You're doing great, Amy! You're moving forward which is more than I can say for myself. I am, as I'm sure others here are, quite proud of you and your steps and determination.

Curious, is FFM absolutely necessary? While hormones won't do anything to your bone structure I've heard/read they'll still affect the shape of your face to some degree. Perhaps after being on hormones for a year or so you'll realize FFM isn't required. Perhaps.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Love the Team America quote

[Kimberly Kael]

It gets better. At the very least, most of us are self-aware enough that we figure out what we need, and are willing to put the time and energy into making it better. The problems you're struggling with can all be overcome. Electrolysis works its magic with time. Hormones take time and honestly, I felt I appreciated them a great deal when I was already fairly comfortable living as a woman and didn't go in overloaded with expectations. Hair grows, a good stylist can do wonders with short hair, and even if a wig does prove necessary it's one of those things you can get good at with practice. Using hair pins to hold it in place, learning to style it appropriately, even finding a style that suits you or one that blends with your hair. As for FFS? There's definitely merit in being able to make an informed decision like any other woman about why, when, and whether to go under the knife, rather than thinking of it as a prerequisite.

It's all a lot of work, and I know it can be depressingly frustrating along the way. The routine gets easier with practice, the one-time events wind up in your rear-view mirror, and the nerves do settle if you can find your confidence and comfort zone. Relationships are the most unpredictable part and generally speaking there's no way to go but up after the initial shock. Best wishes, Amy.

[CharleneT]

You asked "... does it get better?"

Answer: No, sorry.

It does get easier though ;-)

[mary something]

:yt: I'm guessing easier feels better? Amy the main thing I'm wondering is how you can get on hrt sooner than waiting a year. You look AMAZING! For me it got easier with hrt, maybe it will for you too?

Hang in there sweetie, and if you dye your hair red be very careful and do it before you have a couple days off in case it doesn't come out the way you wanted. Red is really tricky, especially if your hair is dark enough that it needs some bleaching first. It's not uncommon to have to experiment with different colors and shades of red to find the one that looks good on an individuals hair type. Best bet is to have a professional do it for you if you're going red.

[Amy A]

I'm really glad to read about how some of you have been in my position and moved on to a happier place. It has been a really hard week, and I'm going to be brutally honest, sometimes it's only the love of a few that keeps me in this world.

But I have to move forwards in some way. I have more electrolysis next weekend, so hopefully over the next few months stubble will become less of a problem. I have it easier than many in that I only get stubble on my upper lip and chin, and absolutely none on my cheeks/sideburns. But it's still enough.

On the wig front, things have forced my hand a bit; I can't wear it everyday. It's causing sore points on my head. So I'll not be wearing it at work anymore. I'm sorry Beth but there's no way I could wear a wig for the rest of my life; I'm glad it works for you though.

And for those who asked, that is me in the photos, there's no photoshopping. But they were the best of a batch, and they don't show the details, like my bad skin that becomes an oil slick after lunchtime, or the wrinkles under my eyes that few women my age carry.

I would love to go private for hormones, but I just don't have the money. I just have to sit it out. I know that they won't work miracles but they have to help at least.

I just want to be a year down the line. Everything feels so far away. I can't just turn on confidence, I can only hope that it will come. I can't even consider letting anyone get close at the moment, as I have nothing to offer, my personality is consumed by this process I'm going through and physically what anyone may buy into is a fraud.

I hope that one day I can look back on this period as part of a journey towards something better.

[barbie54s]

Amy, you are doing fine. Time will help and will find yourself living your life instead of worrying about living it.

[steph1964]

When I went full time in the beginning of September I decided to give up my wig because it was just too difficult to wear all the time. My hair was short because I am a police officer and couldn’t grow it long while working as a male. I got it cut in a woman style but at first I took a real hit to my confidence. With my wig I was very comfortable in public but without it I felt like I was starting over again and I thought that I was getting read all the time. After a few weeks I decided that I was worrying too much about passing and the fact was that even if people were noticing, they were still treating me as a female anyway. My confidence is better and it doesn't bother me if someone recognizes that I am transsexual, and with my voice they often do. But I haven’t noticed anyone reading me lately, although I try not to pay attention to that anymore. I think, as others have said, that confidence has a lot has to do with how well you pass and the way to get confidence is to try not to care about passing.

[Eryn]

Does it get better? It gets however we make it.

You are full time. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Your life is yours to live as you wish.

Don't like your wig? Don't wear it! Plenty of GGs have short hair and yours will get longer.

Have some stray facial hair? Welcome to the club, and many GGs are members too. As your electrolysis progresses it, too, will get better. Tell your electrologist that your lips are your main priority. Some electrologists will shy away from the lips at first because they cause the most discomfort and they don't want to scare customers away. I used to get very nervous as my weekly electro appointment approached and the new hairs emerged, but the fact is that nobody ever made a comment on them. How often does anyone make a comment about a GG's facial hair?

Any of these "flaws" can actually be an advantage if you have the correct mindset. Think like a GG. She doesn't get up on the morning thinking "I hope that I'll pass!" She knows what she is, accepts her flaws, and gets on with life. You have the same right to that assuredness.

Most of this battle is within our own heads. Most people don't pay nearly the amount of attention to our gender that we think. The look at obvious clues and go with it. Even if they do suspect, politeness demands that they assume the gender you are presenting. Stop worrying about what other people think, hold your head up, and enjoy being you!

Hugs, Eryn

[Julie8181]

I'm sorry that you are feeling discouraged and frustrated. Keep in mind that we are all pulling for you and will support you in any way we can!