doubts, escapism

[sandra-leigh]

At my last gender therapy appointment, I was voicing about various transition doubts. Is this really want I want. Would I be accepted. Would I be "good enough" (successful enough) at being female. What about my career. How much can my SO accept. Am I even transgender or transsexual at all, or is this all some kind of escapism.

The response was approximately: "If it was escapism, then there are a lot of other forms of escapism that would have been a lot easier."

I'm sitting now at my desk, head cradled in my hands, thinking about that again. Or rather, not thinking about it. Head empty of thoughts other than as needed to type this in. Just a tiredness in my head at about eye level, and then like a empty cavern far below at the bottom of my stomach, with a river churning along, with inexplicable tears almost coming to my eyes, and from somewhere in the middle a repeated, "Oh God... Oh God.... Oh God..." There's no thoughts, no words from my mind, it just... hurts.

[JuliaC]

Sandra I feel your pain. You are atleast seeing a therapitst who can help you. I need to. I have my doubts about being ts. Although if I knew I would be accepted and knew I would be happy with how I end up looking id really be serious about transitioning.

[Angela Campbell]

I understand the feeling. It was not that long ago I had many of the same fears. Fears that I used as excuses to deny. It was a particularly difficult time for me. I was in a panic. I feared everything. I felt like I could not stop what was happening to me and that it was going to destroy my life. I felt like I had to do it, and yet I couldn't.

One question asked of me that made me think.

If all of those things you fear did not exist....if everyone you knew was accepting, if your employer was good with it and supportive, if money was not a concern...would you transition?

I decided that in the end the life I had was no big loss anyway. I had nothing so I could lose nothing. I decided the benefits outweighed the risks and went forward. I was already dead inside so this was the only real hope. It is not an easy decision to make, do not make it rashly. Do not hurry.

As it turns out, beginning transition pretty much did destroy the life I had. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Are you willing to give up the life you have?

[mary something]

I'm so sorry that your feeling this pain right now but I think it is really important to put it into it's proper perspective. None of these thoughts would be hurting you like this, especially your therapists words about escapism because it is totally on the money, if you weren't more than likely TS. The fact that your therapist said that means a lot to me. Much cheaper to get a world of warcraft account and check out than try to change your gender role for an escape :).

The pain you're feeling means that it is real most likely.

Instead of overwhelming yourself with all of this stuff that no one can answer for you I suggest making steps everyday to lead the best life possible for you. If you're ts then that means transitioning to whatever your state of comfort is. You can't think yourself where you need to go, you get there by taking baby steps.

If you're ts each step will make you feel better. What I've learned so far is that the process of transitioning is self-confirming for me. Each subsequent step I take makes me feel better. I've learned how to control my gender dysphoria to a very large extent because this knowledge has given me confidence that I AM following my true path. As the pain and anxiety fades you will gain strength and you'll realize that if you take small bites you can finish anything in your path.

[I Am Paula]

Your concerns are exactly the WTF thoughts I have at 4 a.m. Luckily, as my cat purrs on my chest, and I drift back to sleep, I am once again sure of my destiny.
I have asked myself the escapism question. Could I not just liquidate all my assets, and escape to the tropics? Yes, but I would do it as a girl, so escape...yes, but still transition.
I think it would be abnormal for any transitioning woman not to have the questions you do, so discuss them with your therapist, or BFF, and you will probably come back to the original conclusion. Transition. Good luck.

[Chickhe]

Only you know the answer...you need to go sit alone on the top of a mountain and return after you have told yourself the truth.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I had almost exactly the same conversation with my therapist..

I had almost exactly the same reaction because I realized one of my strongest and most insurmountable barriers to understanding my true nature was gone

I'm sorry you are down right now.. it does get better... the other doubts and fears you have are "the" issue for you...not this conversation...you didn't learn anything you didn't already know from the conversation, but you did lose a big crutch that if you are like me, was a big part of avoiding my true nature..

It's a hard pillow to swallow, but mary is right...transitioning is self confirming...one of the biggest problems with wavering is that the short term benefit comes with a cost of never having that true internal feeling of what i'll call "knowing"... whether that feeling is necessary for your own quality of life is up to you... it took me many years of weeping and gnashing of teeth to get there, but I found I need to "know"...

[Janelle_C]

Dear Sandra my heart hurts for you. I know where you are at, for me it was one of the more difficult places in my journey. It took me a year in therapy to say out loud that I was TS, because I knew once I said it then I had to figure out what I was going to do about it. I would lie in bed and ask God to take it away from me by just taking me away. Only you can figure out what’s right for you. I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to. I wish you all the best thoughts but I know how hard it is for you.

[KellyJameson]

I personally think it is healthy to deeply question the motives for transitioning because there are reasons other than gender identity that I believe people transition for.

One is an existential fear of death so wanting to move toward the symbols of life which are women as mothers and physical beauty but these are also desirable attributes of female identity.

I also think it is possible to absorb the hate of those who raise you as a child so those who hated men could poison a childs opinion of themselves if they are male.

There is a huge amount of hidden resentment toward the male gender usually related to violence and oppression done by men that men must learn to live with and I suspect this actually increases male violence.

Sexual abuse could also drive a person out of their identity and into another.

Another is emotional incest by mothers where they relate to their son as a replacement husband.

They are many negative experiences that could attack a childs identity which could affect, alter or distort their gender identity.

Any potential trauma done to a child related to gender in my opinion should be looked at in therapy.

In my opinion true gender identity is a free choice made in the first years of life and not one that is shaped by trauma.

It must be yours because you chose it subconsciously as being natural to you and not as a form of escape from being wounded.

My actual gender identity emerged as I healed from the scars of childhood not because of those scars.

It takes alot of work to get to that point but in the end you are free of doubts.

Fantasy definitely seems to be an element of transitioning for many and this is like playing russian roulette with your life.

[Leah Lynn]

Great post, as I've just started to question myself as well. The doubts and the angst are extreme burdens right now. Hopefully I'll be able to hook up with a therapist in a couple weeks.

Leah

[MatildaJ.]

Just wanted to say that I loved your post, Kelly. Glad to hear you've been healing...

[Jorja]

I just got to read this thread. I have been so busy with a million things going on it is crazy.

First, you need to know it is a normal thing to have doubts before making any big decisions in life. Now, more than ever, you are really second guessing everything because it is your life that you are about to change. I think every one of us goes through that.

Start by taking a deep breath and calming yourself. Ask yourself, seriously, is this really something I need to do? If I do this, will I be better for it? If your answer is yes to both questions, go for it with everything you have. If your answer is no, then stop playing around and get on with your life putting gender problems behind you.

I can only give general answers to any of your questions. Will you be accepted? More than likely. It might be a ruff go being around those that knew you as a male because people just do not like change. Every place else, as long as you are a well behaved normal acting citizen, you will do fine. What about your career? I didn't have a pot to piss in when I transitioned. I have more than made it (now I have two pots :) ). How much drive and ambition do you have? Do you want to make it?

Quit freaking out! Just be your warm wonderful self, Sandra. Nobody expects perfection. We expect some flaws and God forbid, a few wrinkles too. Just be the best you that you can be. What more can be asked of you?

[Rachel Smith]

Instead of overwhelming yourself with all of this stuff that no one can answer for you I suggest making steps everyday to lead the best life possible for you. If you're ts then that means transitioning to whatever your state of comfort is. You can't think yourself where you need to go, you get there by taking baby steps.

If you're ts each step will make you feel better. What I've learned so far is that the process of transitioning is self-confirming for me. Each subsequent step I take makes me feel better. I've learned how to control my gender dysphoria to a very large extent because this knowledge has given me confidence that I AM following my true path. As the pain and anxiety fades you will gain strength and you'll realize that if you take small bites you can finish anything in your path.

Great way to put it Mary. That's exactly how it was for me, the more I accomplished the more I wanted. It just felt TOO DAMN GOOD, still does. Most days I just want to jump in the air, click my heels together and scream at the top of my lungs I'M HAPPY, I'M SO HAPPY and no one can ruin it. Did I lose somethings? Sure I did but those things could not replace the happiness I have inside now. Were they hard to give up? Most definitely. Was I full of doubt at times? Yes. If I could would I not do it again? HELL NO!

Hang in there Sandra, take your time, it took me over 2 years to make the final decision but I did it on my terms and when I thought I was ready.

Hugs
Rachel