Feeling Sad...

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Maybe it's just the weather, but I'm feeling pretty down about all this today, in particular the ongoing thread about whether CD'ing can be the sole reason for a break up. Here we all are on this forum, hiding behind pseudonyms, scared to share this part of ourselves with those closest to us (or pretending we don't do it in the DADT situations). I swear to god, you'd think we are a bunch of sick molesters that push old ladies down the stairs and steal their rent checks!

I suppose I'm just down on myself. I really wanted to tell my wife last night, but still couldn't make the words come. I got a headache, my chest hurt, my eyes were watering. I don't want to be the kind of person who keeps things from my wife, but I'm terrified to tell her about this.

It shouldn't be that big a deal, but in this society it is. I'll never forget my thoughts the first time I actually tried on girls' clothes: "oh god, now I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life. Even if I never do this again, I'll always know that I did this."

And in the grand scheme, what did I do? Why did I feel so horrible?

Sorry for the Gloomy Gus post...just need to vent.

[Dana M]

Adrianna,
It will be ok. I hope you will be able to work through your issues. I'm here to talk too if you need to talk.

Hang in there.

[Jaylyn]

Venting is good and glad you have a place such as this to vent. My suggestion to you is go slow and get close to your wife. She should be your best friend. Take her to see a girly flick every now and then. Let her see you have emotions. Too many of us guys never let our emotions show. You can still be a manly man but you can also show emotions to her only. Keep all lines of communications open. Even small talk with her. Include her I things you enjoy but also ask to go with her or take her to get her nails done and then compliment her on how great they look. Get her flowers, perfume, and things she enjoys. Still remain her rock and reach her soul. Try and be one with her. Her best friend. This may take many years. Finally she will be accepting of you no matter if you wanted to experiment and wear her clothing. This is how mine came to accept that I sometimes enjoy dressing and she even helps me shop and has taught me a thing or two about walking in heels and being a better lady. She says she loves it now I understand why she takes so long to get ready. Patient not sad is the answer. You will know the right time to tell her and she will accept that as part of you because you will have built her trust in you that you still love her the most and that you are still her man even in hose and heels.

[Di]

As a GG I just say tell from my pov because in my hubbys life cding is a big part of our life together....and I would be gutted to find out I have been shut out of a huge part of my partners life.
AND I urge the single cders to tell when it starts getting serious in the relationship so none of this happens later and you both can grow together.

BUT that being said every relationship is different and only you know how opened minded she is.And how important cding is in your life.
If you decide to tell her please explain it is a part of you....you were ashamed and scared to tell her....you love her with everything.It is very important to be honest and answer her questions honestly.
What ever you decide best wishes:hugs:

[Nadine Spirit]

Don't let your fears about her reaction allow you to do something else that is wrong. It is wrong to not be honest with our SO, we justify that behavior because we are afraid of their rejection. Many SOs reject the dishonesty and would have been fine with the cross dressing, if they would have been told.

Personally I would always prefer for my SO to tell me anything rather than be dishonest with me. If she chose to CD, that is one thing, but if I can't trust her, how do you cope with that?

My advice, for better or worse, tell her. I don't think you have done anything wrong by cross dressing, but I do think anyone not being totally honest with a SO is something that is very wrong.

[Beverley Sims]

Arianna,
You have to sit down, take stock of the situation and work out what your next move will be.
Things will get better for you I am sure.

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts! Please do not be so hard on yourself. What you are experiencing has happened to many of us here, but in time and accepting your feminine side, this new part of who you are will become easier & hopefully enjoyable. As for your wife - only you know her best and can judge what to say and when. She may not understand all of your feminine feelings/needs, so go slow, be honest, and do not be afraid to ask for her help. Remember, this forum is always just a "click away" too.

[Rachael Leigh]

Arinna there is nothing easy about this part of ourselves for most it takes a long time to just accept it as a part of us. It's even more difficult telling your SO. I'm fortunate I told mine before we got married but even that did not guarantee a smooth relationship. My wife is basically non accepting but does know I dress when she isn't here. She's sorta ok with my shaved legs now but by no means accepts or participates in my dressing.
I wish you the best

[kimdl93]

Ariana, try to take this down to a personal level and ask yourself a number of important questions. Start with what you know or believe to be true about your wife and your relationship. What's the nature of that relationship. Are the two of you presently able to share feelings? Can you discuss difficult topics without harsh words? Do you share common values and beliefs? Are you tolerant of nonconformity? Is your wife?

When you have your initial assessment complete, then, if there are warning signs, think about what you might do, with your wife to address the communications and attitudinal issues before tackling your particular big issue.

[Wildaboutheels]

FACT: Telling ANYone for ANY reason is a roll of the dice. Whether you have known/been married to someone for 5 minutes, 5 years or fifty years. Plenty here will tell you it's the right thing or the only thing to do. Since no one here knows you OR your wife, I put little stock in people proclaiming such.

There is NO WAY of knowing whether will and/or how your wife will accept it.

The real Q is how is your current Relationship with your wife? [Is your current level of CDing having a negative impact?] And precisely what might you gain from telling her.

I hope you realize that "Love conquers All" is just another very popular Forum Myth?

[Bria]

Arianna, Please don't be down on yourself. If you have a negative attitude when you do talk to your wife you will have less chance of a positive outcome.

Not all SOs react negatively, but it many take time for full acceptance, take it slow and respect any boundries that she sets.

Good luck with the road ahead and remember that the members here are a gold mine of experience if you just ask a question.

Hugs, Bria

[Rachelakld]

How about instead of telling her, you ask if you could wear female clothes at home? This would probably be a nice way to start a conversation as opposed to "Sit down, I've something to tell you".

BTW, one needs to be honest in a relationship, better to take a chance with a 5 minute relationship than lie for 30 years and then hope wife and kids forgive you for lying for so long

[laura.lapinski]

FACT: Telling ANYone for ANY reason is a roll of the dice.

There is NO WAY of knowing whether will and/or how your wife will accept it.

The real Q is how is your current Relationship with your wife? [Is your current level of CDing having a negative impact?] And precisely what might you gain from telling her.

I hope you realize that "Love conquers All" is just another very popular Forum Myth?

I agree with this post most of all. Look, honesty is a great thing provided your gut instincts tell you it will work out. You can take a look at everyone's advice here, but ONLY YOU can make the final decision whether to tell her or not. If you can be satisfied just dressing occasionally, and staying in the closet, you probably don't need to tell her. Best thing to do is relax, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth getting so stressed about that it starts to affect your stomach acid levels or your physical health.

Perhaps you can make your decision to tell or not based on a four-quadrant grid. The vertical axis (Y) will be your desire to dress, and the horizontal (X) will be your estimation of the level of your wife's acceptance. The minimum on the Y-Axis would be no-dressing needed or very minimal. The maximum Y axis would be dressed to the hilt/going out that way/possible transition. The minimum X values would be zero tolerance/divorce by your wife, with the maximum being total acceptance/going out with you. You're feelings and estimation of acceptance may change over the years so you could run through this evaluation whenever you are feeling a disturbance in your well-being. Again, coming out to anyone will be a risk you have to weigh yourself.

You can PM me if you'd like. Be at peace my dear. This is your natural state.

Laura

[Melissa_59]

My kitty, whom I was very attached to, died this past weekend. I wondered why she hadn't tried to wake me up to feed her, and I found her on the floor, her eyes open and not breathing. She passed away some time during the night.

I can understand being down. I feel horrible.

[MatildaJ.]

I really wanted to tell my wife last night, but still couldn't make the words come...I don't want to be the kind of person who keeps things from my wife, but I'm terrified to tell her about this.

Maybe break it down into smaller pieces, that aren't as scary as "Honey, I'm a crossdresser"? You could find an interesting article in the news about someone who crossdresses, and ask her what she thinks. You could mention that you love touching her in silky lingerie, and it might be fun to wear some to bed. You could say that you've been holding a lot of emotions inside, and you're thinking of seeing a therapist to figure out how to break down those walls preventing you from feeling... There are a lot of ways to approach this, that don't have to involve turning her world upside down.



My kitty, whom I was very attached to, died this past weekend. I wondered why she hadn't tried to wake me up to feed her, and I found her on the floor, her eyes open and not breathing. She passed away some time during the night...I feel horrible.

So sorry for your loss, Melissa.

[Gillian Gigs]

[QUOTE=JessM.;3366476]Maybe break it down into smaller pieces, that aren't as scary as "Honey, I'm a crossdresser"? You could find an interesting article in the news about someone who crossdresses, and ask her what she thinks. You could mention that you love touching her in silky lingerie, and it might be fun to wear some to bed. You could say that you've been holding a lot of emotions inside, and you're thinking of seeing a therapist to figure out how to break down those walls preventing you from feeling... There are a lot of ways to approach this, that don't have to involve turning her world upside down.

Now that is good sound advise. As the expression goes; "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!". Too often we feel that we have to blurt it all out and we don't think of the other persons response to it all. Think about how you can break this down into small chunks, or think about how you can get a picture of what she thinks about this issue.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Thanks for the advice and sympathy. I already feel a little better. :o


[QUOTE=JessM.;3366476]Maybe break it down into smaller pieces, that aren't as scary as "Honey, I'm a crossdresser"? You could find an interesting article in the news about someone who crossdresses, and ask her what she thinks. You could mention that you love touching her in silky lingerie, and it might be fun to wear some to bed. You could say that you've been holding a lot of emotions inside, and you're thinking of seeing a therapist to figure out how to break down those walls preventing you from feeling... There are a lot of ways to approach this, that don't have to involve turning her world upside down.


Now that is good sound advise. As the expression goes; "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!". Too often we feel that we have to blurt it all out and we don't think of the other persons response to it all. Think about how you can break this down into small chunks, or think about how you can get a picture of what she thinks about this issue.

So here's what I'm thinking. I just dressed as Lady Gaga for Halloween, and it wasn't the first time she's seen my dressed as a woman before (I covered this in another thread). I had a minor break down the day after that, and she knows about that, but we've never really talked about it. My thought is to approach with, "I'd like to talk about why I freaked out about that." My point will be to explain to her how what freaked me out was how over the top I went with it, and how I really couldn't stop myself (and this is true!). It did scare me that at every chance, I went for as feminine as possible. And basically use this as a way to explain to her that I really enjoyed it, and would like to know if she would be ok with my trying it again, but something a tad less flamboyant. I figure this might be easier to handle than, "guess what? I've been a crossdresser my whole life and never told you!"



I agree with this post most of all. Look, honesty is a great thing provided your gut instincts tell you it will work out. You can take a look at everyone's advice here, but ONLY YOU can make the final decision whether to tell her or not. If you can be satisfied just dressing occasionally, and staying in the closet, you probably don't need to tell her. Best thing to do is relax, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth getting so stressed about that it starts to affect your stomach acid levels or your physical health.

Perhaps you can make your decision to tell or not based on a four-quadrant grid. The vertical axis (Y) will be your desire to dress, and the horizontal (X) will be your estimation of the level of your wife's acceptance. The minimum on the Y-Axis would be no-dressing needed or very minimal. The maximum Y axis would be dressed to the hilt/going out that way/possible transition. The minimum X values would be zero tolerance/divorce by your wife, with the maximum being total acceptance/going out with you. You're feelings and estimation of acceptance may change over the years so you could run through this evaluation whenever you are feeling a disturbance in your well-being. Again, coming out to anyone will be a risk you have to weigh yourself.

You can PM me if you'd like. Be at peace my dear. This is your natural state.

Laura

When I try the X-Y axis, I end up right in the middle (hence my dilemma). Not dressing is NOT an option, but I have no desire to transition. It's really about the clothes and the look for me, when I can, but not all the time. And as far as her reaction might be, I think it could really go either way. I tend to lean towards "accepting" but as other's have pointed out, you never really know...


How about instead of telling her, you ask if you could wear female clothes at home? This would probably be a nice way to start a conversation as opposed to "Sit down, I've something to tell you".

BTW, one needs to be honest in a relationship, better to take a chance with a 5 minute relationship than lie for 30 years and then hope wife and kids forgive you for lying for so long

While I may not know exactly how she feels about cross dressing, I know that she feels strongly about honestly. So, if nothing else, I could always say, "Look, I know you value honestly above all else, so here goes..."


As a GG I just say tell from my pov because in my hubbys life cding is a big part of our life together....and I would be gutted to find out I have been shut out of a huge part of my partners life.
AND I urge the single cders to tell when it starts getting serious in the relationship so none of this happens later and you both can grow together.

BUT that being said every relationship is different and only you know how opened minded she is.And how important cding is in your life.
If you decide to tell her please explain it is a part of you....you were ashamed and scared to tell her....you love her with everything.It is very important to be honest and answer her questions honestly.
What ever you decide best wishes:hugs:

I always appreciate the opinion of a GG...thank you. My ultimately goal is to avoid "gutting" her, hence the hesitation. I really don't want to feel I've been dishonest. I hope that it's clear how difficult it is for a man in this society to be in this position.

[Alice Torn]

Melissa, I am very, very saddened to9 hear the loss of your kitty. I lost three within a year , in 2007 and 08. A coyote killed one. My heart goes out to you. When my dearest white cat with a blue eye, and a gold eye, died in my arms in 2007, I was too sorrowful to work for two days. Losing a dear pet, is for me harder than losing a human family member. My family is harsh and cruel . Cats and pets are innocent love. And Arriana, i also cannot tell any of my family of origin, or church friends. It may be best to probe very slowly and cautiously, maybe asking her what she thinks of men you have seen dressed as women. Carefully see what she says, and her attitude about it.

[Kate Simmons]

You can't speak for me and I can't speak for you in this my friend as we all have our own individual unique situation. What works for one person or couple obviously will not work the same for another. It kind of boils down to really knowing your SO and knowing yourself. :)

[Jacqui Summers]

My two cents. It took me a while to be open with my wife, and when I did I took it slow. Even then I misread her. She was caring and understanding, but I only chose to hear the negative. I let my own negative feelings color my reaction. I found that my fear of of her reaction was my own creation. She's not super enthusiastic, but she doesn't hate it. In the end she is happy for me and happy that I am open and honest with her. Give it a go. Take it slow. And don't project your own worries on her.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I think you're right on the money here. I totally do that, and I think the main reason I can't bring myself to speak with her about it is because I spend way too much time having imaginary conversations in my head with her, and they inevitably turn out negative. I psyche myself out by assuming she will react badly, and I think a lot of that is due to my own fears and insecurity.

A real-world example of that comes back to the Halloween costume again. I went out and bought my own shoes this time (last time, I wore her boots), and they were 4" stiletto "shooties." I saw them at the store in my size and absolutely fell in love with them! But I brought them home and threw them in the closet without telling showing her. This was still a few weeks before the party. But then I started freaking out. I assumed that she would see them and just flip her lid. "Are you crazy?" I imagined her saying. "What the hell is wrong with you? Return those shoes! You'll embarrass me!" This was all stuff that went through my head, and I even came close to just returning them because I was too afraid to show her. Finally, the night before the party, I figured I had to say something, so I told her that I ended up getting my own pair of shoes for the costume. She asked about the boots I wore the last time I cross dressed for Halloween (because they're actually on my side of the closet. She can't wear them anymore, but felt bad about throwing them out, so I said "There's room over on my side, just keep them here..."). I said they were a little small and that I would be more comfortable if something more my size. She didn't even ask to see what I bought! After getting all gussied up in my costume, the last thing I did was put on the shoes, and I got really nervous, because she still hadn't seen them. I put them on and stepped out from behind the bed. She looked at me and said, "oh brother." And that was the last comment she had. I'm sure there was a lot of meaning in that comment, but she didn't freak out, she didn't try to stop my from wearing them.

At any rate, I know that's a different issue, but your point is very well taken. I need to stop injecting my own feelings (good and bad) and start learning to converse at face value. Glad to hear I'm not the only one!