Ann Louise
12-04-2013, 12:45 PM
IMHO Opinion Only, and with All Due Respect To Others Of Different Opinions:
I'm heading back to work full time next January after FFS, and based on the comments made earlier by Melissa and others here, it seems this mis-gendering will NOT get any better at work after I return, even worse maybe, even though I now am starting to look like a 40-year-old version of my grandmother (I'm 60).
I tried, based on a recent foray into the realm of "Facebook," to re-friend some of the old 30- to 40-year old friends from before, back when I was a "dude." No big surprise here. It was still "dude," not "her," and "him" all over, again and again. And apology after apology, the "...after 30 years it's so hard to change" thing. Yes, I've heard it alot by now, But, it did and still hurts so bad (yes, yes, I know I'm supposed to "understand"), that I blocked the whole Facebook lot of them. All of them.
This is my new life. This is a life that I've denied myself, closeted away, didn't even know existed for a long while. Many here will regard me as selfish, and perhaps rightly so, but I have absolutely, utterly promised myself that I am going to live the remaining 20 or 30 years of my life surrounded by those that love and accept me, Ann Louise Basketfield. Not "new" Ann Louise," not sort of "Ann Louise," not "Ann" somebody or other, just plain old bloody "Ann Louise Basketfield." Period.
And here's more what might be considered as very selfish stuff: It's Going To Be On My Terms. Due to a broken home at a very early age, drunken parents, and many failed relationships, in attempting to make amends I have virtually squandered 40 years of my life living for others, thinking ahead and caring for others, fathering, husbanding, and working like a freakin' slave for others, always thinking of them first. Yes, yes, this was my choice. And in large part I am proud of my loyalty and devotion to those others. And to those ready to pile in on me for this, I remain a proud husband, father, and loyal friend (to those that deserve it), and will not spend a wit of time trying to convince you otherwise. It's just true.
But now, finally, this is MY TIME TO LIVE MY LIFE, and by the gods that is what I will do. Even if I have to move to another town, start all over again, go stealth, and have a non-existent past life. How much strength and fortitude did it take you girls for you to admit that you even had GD, and then that you were going to take that first spiro, patch or injection, and dress as the real you in public, even though you certainly did not "pass" as a twenty-year old debutante? A lot, no? What makes you think that now, in the realm of private, personal inter-relations, that that same degree of courage, even more so, is not now required, and that if you just bare your heart to all that they'll just take pity on you and automatically love you and "understand" you? Tosh. The physical parts were the easy parts IMO, it's this emotional interaction where the genuine courage must be found and applied, day after day.
I've made previously quite poorly received comments here about the necessity of having to rebuild my life, ground up, wives, children, friends, acquaintances, the whole lot. But I was and still remain quite emotional about my GD, the HRT and FFS that followed, and the GRS to come next winter, and although my notions are still perhaps as poorly received as ever, I'm still convinced of the fundamental notion that I am a different person, a new person, with new hopes, aspirations, dreams, and even sexual desires, and I am going to live this New Life, not a re-stirred, re-baked, warmed-over version of the old one. A New Life.
I'm not posting this for an analysis by others, although perhaps that's inevitable, but mainly I am attempting to present a different, albeit not too popular point of view to consider for those who are still in the early stages of transitioning, just starting, or are well under way but still struggling with the old emotional ties and confusions. How many forum members have we seen go by these boards and now dissappeared who professed wanting to transition, but "couldn't" because of the mother, father, wife, daughter, son, church group, small town, or whatever, that stood in their way? "If only, but..." In my case it is precisely those old emotional ties that kept me bound up in a life of hell for more than four decades, and I simply wish to present a different point of view.
[note: if anyone decides to grace this with a comment, I would respectfully request that is it someone who TRULY is in transition, or completed it. Thinking about it is not enough]
)0( Ann )0(
I'm heading back to work full time next January after FFS, and based on the comments made earlier by Melissa and others here, it seems this mis-gendering will NOT get any better at work after I return, even worse maybe, even though I now am starting to look like a 40-year-old version of my grandmother (I'm 60).
I tried, based on a recent foray into the realm of "Facebook," to re-friend some of the old 30- to 40-year old friends from before, back when I was a "dude." No big surprise here. It was still "dude," not "her," and "him" all over, again and again. And apology after apology, the "...after 30 years it's so hard to change" thing. Yes, I've heard it alot by now, But, it did and still hurts so bad (yes, yes, I know I'm supposed to "understand"), that I blocked the whole Facebook lot of them. All of them.
This is my new life. This is a life that I've denied myself, closeted away, didn't even know existed for a long while. Many here will regard me as selfish, and perhaps rightly so, but I have absolutely, utterly promised myself that I am going to live the remaining 20 or 30 years of my life surrounded by those that love and accept me, Ann Louise Basketfield. Not "new" Ann Louise," not sort of "Ann Louise," not "Ann" somebody or other, just plain old bloody "Ann Louise Basketfield." Period.
And here's more what might be considered as very selfish stuff: It's Going To Be On My Terms. Due to a broken home at a very early age, drunken parents, and many failed relationships, in attempting to make amends I have virtually squandered 40 years of my life living for others, thinking ahead and caring for others, fathering, husbanding, and working like a freakin' slave for others, always thinking of them first. Yes, yes, this was my choice. And in large part I am proud of my loyalty and devotion to those others. And to those ready to pile in on me for this, I remain a proud husband, father, and loyal friend (to those that deserve it), and will not spend a wit of time trying to convince you otherwise. It's just true.
But now, finally, this is MY TIME TO LIVE MY LIFE, and by the gods that is what I will do. Even if I have to move to another town, start all over again, go stealth, and have a non-existent past life. How much strength and fortitude did it take you girls for you to admit that you even had GD, and then that you were going to take that first spiro, patch or injection, and dress as the real you in public, even though you certainly did not "pass" as a twenty-year old debutante? A lot, no? What makes you think that now, in the realm of private, personal inter-relations, that that same degree of courage, even more so, is not now required, and that if you just bare your heart to all that they'll just take pity on you and automatically love you and "understand" you? Tosh. The physical parts were the easy parts IMO, it's this emotional interaction where the genuine courage must be found and applied, day after day.
I've made previously quite poorly received comments here about the necessity of having to rebuild my life, ground up, wives, children, friends, acquaintances, the whole lot. But I was and still remain quite emotional about my GD, the HRT and FFS that followed, and the GRS to come next winter, and although my notions are still perhaps as poorly received as ever, I'm still convinced of the fundamental notion that I am a different person, a new person, with new hopes, aspirations, dreams, and even sexual desires, and I am going to live this New Life, not a re-stirred, re-baked, warmed-over version of the old one. A New Life.
I'm not posting this for an analysis by others, although perhaps that's inevitable, but mainly I am attempting to present a different, albeit not too popular point of view to consider for those who are still in the early stages of transitioning, just starting, or are well under way but still struggling with the old emotional ties and confusions. How many forum members have we seen go by these boards and now dissappeared who professed wanting to transition, but "couldn't" because of the mother, father, wife, daughter, son, church group, small town, or whatever, that stood in their way? "If only, but..." In my case it is precisely those old emotional ties that kept me bound up in a life of hell for more than four decades, and I simply wish to present a different point of view.
[note: if anyone decides to grace this with a comment, I would respectfully request that is it someone who TRULY is in transition, or completed it. Thinking about it is not enough]
)0( Ann )0(