Out on Face Book

[PaulaQ]

So I've had two Facebook pages for a while. My old, guy-mode, life 2.0 account that I started some time ago, but stopped updating 18 months ago, when I began to have difficulty actually LIVING that life anymore. And a newer, "PaulaQ" page, that gives a face and a name to my pseudonym.

Originally, I wasn't ready to come out to the world on my old FB page, with friends, extended family, folks like that.

So the "Paula Quine" page on FB let me communicate with my LGBT friends, and still keep things on the sly while I figured out "what in the HELL am I going to do with myself????"

Well, I came out on my guy FB page sunday, and the responses have all been really, really supportive and positive. I've heard from people I haven't heard from in years. They were all surprised as hell "I never would've expected to hear this from YOU!" but all really positive and loving. I'm really, really fortunate.

So I changed my name to my female name on the page, changed my gender marker (if only real life this were so easy - it'll happen in 2014 though!), and posted a recent photo of myself presenting as female.

So far, so good. I heard from one of my son's old school friends, a young man who'd spent many, many hours in our home. He was really kind.

I'm not sure what I'll do in the long run with two FB profiles, one under a phony name. (I'm really Paula Kephart, not Paula Quine), but for the time being, I think I'll leave them both in place. I'm friending the cool LGBT folks on PaulaQ, as I've been doing for some time now, and I'll keep the folks from my old life on Paula Kephart. I'm not sure the folks from my old life are ready for the trans world. :)

I know I've made a couple of sad-sack weepy threads lately, so I thought I should post something positive for a change, to balance it out a little. I'm really very fortunate, most of my people have been really supportive of me and my transition, little though they may understand it all.

Hey, I know many of us lose a LOT of people in our lives, and so I was hesitant to post this at all, because I've seen how hard it can be. I'm very, very, very lucky, and I know that. So if this makes anyone sad, I'm so sorry - I would never want to make you feel badly.

[Sephina]

Not at all Paula, I'm glad to hear you've had a positive experience on FB I too have 2 Facebook pages. I came out on Facebook and everyone was so positive and supportive . That was huge for me not knowing how people would react I was scared all my family knows and all but my Dad and step mom are accepting / supportive. Though my folks here say they love me no matter what so I too am blessed. Though I'm a baby yet only out 11/2 but so far the experience hasn't been as terrible as I imagined. Good to hear mostly things are well with you. We are here for you so dont worry about letting your emotions show if there's anything you want to talk about I'm open best of luck Hun.

[Pamela Kay]

I had two Facebook pages for awhile too Paula. When I transitioned I posted a coming out letter on my old page and invited everyone who wanted to follow me to come to my new page. Unfortunately very few did and some who did have left since. I think the change in my outlook on life and the pro LGBT information I had was too much for them.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Pam - yes, I was worried about the same thing happening to me. I think my cis-peeps aren't ready for gender-land...

[thechic]

I only every had one FB profile ,(female) started that years ago ,but came out personally to everybody that I thought were important in my life, I found it easier this way ,still have the real friends. I haven't yet put any reference to me being TS yet.

[Rianna Humble]

I had two facebook pages for a short while. On the old one, I had fallen into the facebook trap of friending everyone who knew someone who was a friend of someone who might know me. When I started to prepare for transition, I started afresh with a new account in my current name. I progressively thinned out the friend list on the old account until I was down to the people who might actually care one way or another. Then I messaged or telephoned the ones I wanted to keep explaining the situation. A very small number asked for an invitation to befriend my new account, the others have fallen by the wayside.

Now I am very picky about who is on my fb friend list and if I do not have any interaction with someone for a prolonged period, I remove them from the list. It is probably time for a fresh cull, but I will wait until New year in case that prompts anyone to get in touch.

[Rachel Smith]

I had closed my FB account about 1 1/2 years ago. I also just opened a new one for Rachel. I think I will follow Paula and put a post up on the one I know longer use.

Rachel

[Megan72]

I still maintain 2 Facebook accounts, one is full of pretty anyone I have even a tacit connection too and the other for Megan frye. For now it works for me but I see a single account in the near future. I do have several friends that are on each account which I can see opening me up to questions, but I really don't give a darn anymore, if the questions come, they come I am already out to the people that matter the most to me, very one else can make their own mind up as to what they think.

[PaulaQ]

Hey, I'm really appreciating all the feedback! I'm not sure if I'll maintain two FB presences, or collapse them into one. (I've thought about changing my last name to "Quine" to make the newer FB page correct when I do my name change! I'm really not "Paula Q" I'm really "Paula K").

I was pretty much out to everyone, family and friends, who were close to me. So the facebook folks who I outed myself to were:
- more distant cousins, many of them my mom's age
- my half brothers and sisters, who I haven't seen in the flesh since our father died (I am going to FIX this though!)
- people I used to know from high school

So far people have been very supportive. But my close friends and family are still dealing with the notion of "you mean - you're a GIRL?!?!?!?" They are kind, they are accepting, but it hasn't totally sunk in yet, they'll get there. And they are totally not ready for some of the stuff on PaulaQ's wall. Also, my wife is on the other page - so I can't be completely forthcoming about everything going on with me until she's my ex-wife. (That is my project for January.)

[Barbara Ella]

Glad the experience has been positive. The guy I was for so long would in no way ever even consider doing FB. Barbara loves doing FB even if she doesn't have much of a life to post a lot. It is so beneficial to have communications, and as many of them as possible for us.

Barbara

[PaulaQ]

Update: Well I talked to my wife tonight. She was pretty furious with me that I came out on FB without letting her know. Oh the irony after all the times she outed me. Oh well, I apologized. I couldn't bring myself to say the real reason I did it - to convince her that the man she loves is dead and gone. I was crying, and couldn't choke out the words while I spoke to her.

She did tell me that everyone in our little town hates me now because of my selfish stunt on Facebook. So I guess I won't be going back there. I'm sure they are all embarrassed to know me now. Guess they were outed too, I didn't think that part through.

Oh well, I never expected to go back anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Personally I was kind of more expecting ridicule.

[Angela Campbell]

I have the opposite. My ex (been divorced 8 months now) is now on the "I still love you and now I can accept this and I will always love you" thing.

I do not want to hurt her or be rude or ugly but I don't see anything good there. Getting back together is not going to happen because although she would benefit greatly I would gain nothing good at all. There is nothing positive she can contribute to my life and I don't need the burden of supporting her while she ignores me. I just cannot find a way to get her to go away.

[mary something]

I wouldn't put too much trust in your wife's words Paula

Angela- I'm glad that you're not tempted, my ex was sending me clothes for a while trying to make up I think lol. Give it some time and it gets better.

[Angela Campbell]

I agree, your wife is still in the stage of anger and is still lashing out in an attempt to hurt you.

[Anne2345]

Outing yourself on FB is no small thing. If it is your hope to maintain your marriage, you probably should have discussed it with your wife first. After all, the decisions you make in this regard also have the potential to effect and impact others. As such, assuming again you desire to maintain your marriage, it was a selfish act on your part. I have been guilty of similar selfish acts over the past few years in regard to my wife. Although I ultimately got my way, I paid a heavy price for it, and I hurt my wife in so doing (which I very much regret - she deserves better than that).

[PaulaQ]

Sure, I can buy that she wants me to hurt. Although its more complicated than that. She wants to help the man she married, too. But she knows she can't be with me now, but she doesn't want that to be true.

It is completely believable to me that our friends in Oklahoma side with her now. Remember, they see her, and I embarrassed them. So that part I buy. I've always been skeptical of the "I haven't lost any of my friends while coming out" part of my story. Oh yes I have, they just aren't going to tell me.

I'm still ahead of the game here. Her people are on her side and think I'm selfish. My people are on my side and think she's selfish. That would be pretty typical in any divorce.

@Anne - no I have no intention of maintaining my marriage. I did this because my wife can't understand that the man she loves IS DEAD AND GONE. She still doesn't see this.

She still can't quite understand why I didn't want to share my feelings with her after sitting next to her for 3 hours in boy mode because she can't stand to see me present female and she can't use my name or gender me correctly ever. Gosh, how I could I not feel secure to talk about myself with someone like that.

I'm doing everything I can now to bury all traces of that ****ing guy! I HATE him. He is dead and gone. But she acts like he's real and I'm an illusion.

Its frustrating.