An inherent contradiction?

[kimdl93]

In therapy and support groups you'll often here these two admonitions:

"You are entitled to your feelings"

and

"Anger is a choice"

The first statement suggests that your feelings are inherently valid. But while the feeling may be valid...assuming one hasn't misinterpreted a situation, the response, internally or externally can be critical to our well being. We each have conditioned ourselves to respond to various events in some manner...but sometimes that response can be inappropriate or counterproductive.

So, I'd feel it important that we carefully qualify our feelings and even more carefully consider our emotional responses.

[Amanda22]

I think that feelings are not controllable, but our response after considering those feelings is choice. So I don't think they're mutually exclusive or contradictory. I'm not a psychologist, of course, but it seems feelings are involuntary while our response is voluntary. Feelings precede response. Good thread!

[CarlaWestin]

I believe the two statements connect together in one sentence. I like the separation of "entitlement" and "choice". It defines common sense, something fewer and fewer people seem to possess.

[GaleWarning]

Anger is inevitable, not a choice.
What we do when we get angry, is a choice.

[Kelly DeWinter]

both statements are equal valid. Repressed emotions lead to emotional problems (think pressure cooker) . The choice is what you do or act on those emotions, I can feel anger, I can choose to vent by throwing a brick through a window or hammering a nail into a board. The crucial point is what you act on. Acting on emotions is crucial to the repercussions of acting on the emotions.

[Marleena]

Yes, I choose now to feel angry about being entitled to my feelings.

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes anger is needed to bring feelings out. Otherwise, they tend to fester inside. Once the feelings are out they can be addressed and evaluated and put into perspective.:)

[Gillian Gigs]

Anger is inevitable, not a choice.
What we do when we get angry, is a choice.

I agree with that statement. We all have to choose how we handle our emotions. Too many people get offended due to emotions, when they just need to shake it off!

[MatildaJ.]

"You are entitled to your feelings"

and

"Anger is a choice"

I used to get so angry at my kids. They could really push my buttons. But I didn't like having that feeling, and I decided to see if I could head it off at the pass. So each time I got angry, I took some time, as soon as I could, to go journal about it, writing down the circumstances: whether I was hungry, tired, in a rush, in a bad mood, etc. And I wrote down the first signs that the situation was moving in a bad direction.

Paying attention to all that has helped me to prepare for difficult situations beforehand, so if I find my kids starting to aggravate me, I can assess if I need to eat something, need to move to another room, or whatever. If I address the problem while I'm only irritated, but not yet angry, I'm much happier with myself in the long run and I don't end up having to apologize to them. Everyone wins.

[Laura912]

Would concur that every one is entitled to their feelings/emotions. Will state that everyone will have a reaction to those feelings/emotions. What we do next is determined by our self controls, friend and family controls, and societal controls. If our reactions cross any boundaries between the three, then we are not free to react as we wish but must consider the impact on the others.

[jenni_xx]

Anger is inevitable, not a choice.
What we do when we get angry, is a choice.

This ^^^^^^

[Amanda22]

I used to get so angry at my kids. They could really push my buttons. But I didn't like having that feeling, and I decided to see if I could head it off at the pass. So each time I got angry, I took some time, as soon as I could, to go journal about it, writing down the circumstances: whether I was hungry, tired, in a rush, in a bad mood, etc. And I wrote down the first signs that the situation was moving in a bad direction.

Paying attention to all that has helped me to prepare for difficult situations beforehand, so if I find my kids starting to aggravate me, I can assess if I need to eat something, need to move to another room, or whatever. If I address the problem while I'm only irritated, but not yet angry, I'm much happier with myself in the long run and I don't end up having to apologize to them. Everyone wins.

Jess, that's really wise and I think I might try doing that, too. I don't have anyone in my life who pushes my buttons, but if I feel irritable I think I'll try your method. Thanks!

[Bria]

I like what Amanda and Jess said. What we are talking about is anger management, or lack thereof. We all get angry from time to time, it how we channel it. All you have to do is read the newspaper (OK I'm old school, I still read the PAPER, not the screen) to see the result of anger out of control, 101 homicides in the KC area this year.

It is my belief that when we run out words to express our feelings/anger that we may be tempted to resort to violence. If I encounter a situation that makes me frustrated/angery, I look for a solution to the problem that is the cause. Engineers are supposed to solve problems, so I see this as an engineering problem.. I don't loose control very often these days.

Hugs Bria

[kimdl93]

Just a note. Anger is in my view not the only option to circumstances which threaten, frustrate or offend. Peel back the onion and you'll likely find that if something 'anger' there is a deeper underlying emotion that preceded the anger response.

[Beverley Sims]

Kim,
Having worked in a Social Sciences school amongst Psychiatrists and those learning allied subjects one thing that springs to mind from a lecture.

When talking to a patient "Feelings" "Choice" combined with a description of sexual and human relations was a ploy used to reinforce the subject's doubt.

Using these words in a sentence describing a subjects situation goes well and sounds more genuine than showing a lackof caring.

Another one is not suggesting a solution but ask "how do you feel about this?" "why would you do it?"

It puts the ball back in the subjects court.

[Brynna M]

Having a feeling is different from feeding it and holding on to it. You don't have to mentally feed your anger by thinking about the things that anger you nor do you need to in any way act on anger. So I might say that you are entitled to you feelings but it is your choice how long you hold on to those feelings and how you act on them.