Gender Dysphoria

[mary something]

So many times we hear about gender dysphoria and always it is referred to in the most negative ways. It is something painful that we experience, it causes us problems. In my mind it has always been framed as at best a necessary evil perhaps but not so much anymore.

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?

This question is open to ANYONE who has felt gender dysphoria, all of your answers will help my understanding and hopefully yours too. There are no right or wrong answers, gender dysphoria looks different and seems to have a timeline with different characteristics and attributes at different stages. I'm not sure it ever ends but I'm also not sure that is a bad thing either.

[Michelle.M]

Well, by definition it's probably a negative; dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria.

For me, it's been almost entirely positive. Oh, sure, there have been some less than desirable issues associated with my transition, and all those years of wondering what the heck was wrong with me were miserable (dysphoric). But ever since I had a word for what was going on with me, and ever since I discovered there was a treatment for it, and ever since I decided to take the path to wholeness my life has been terrific!

[mary something]

Michelle, what happened that caused the "ever since". Can you describe that more? I don't necessarily mean transition, more about your perspective

[I Am Paula]

I suffered from GD most of my life. I coped with a combination of: Ignorance, as in, I didn't know what I was feeling. Denial, There's nothing wrong with me that I can't fix myself.
Acceptance, there's nothing I can do, so live with it. Guilt, there's something I've done to make me this way.
Being a late bloomer, I lived in one of these situations constantly.
From about age 14, to 54 I suffered, sometimes mildly, and sometimes with months of depression, until the dam burst, and all at once I KNEW I could not go on as male.
I will always remember the day the elephant known as GD forced me out of the room. It came all at once. I was walking the dog with my sister, and I began uncontrollable weeping. We sat on some strangers front lawn until it was too cold, and EVERYTHING came out. I saw the nessassary Drs. a few days later.
The only good thing I could say about GD, is that feeling that bad, and confused is the ness. trigger to seek help. But that's a little like saying, the good thing about incontinence is that it tells you when to change pants!

[Michelle.M]

Michelle, what happened that caused the "ever since".

The "ever since"? I like that phrase. Sort of a variation on "ever after", as in "happily ever after".

Once I understood who and what I was [am], I was able to give myself permission to be that. Permission to express myself freely without suppressing everything as I had done all my life. Freedom to dress in a way I wanted to express myself. Freedom to express feelings and emotions and to live my own life instead of the life I had always been taught I should want.

That authenticity has literally made me a new person. I smile all the time now, I am open and friendly. I make friends easily and I have more friends than ever. I'm active in social and community events, and my life is more full and fun than ever.

Oh, sure, I have had some of the same experiences we've all had, such as redefining personal relationships and family dynamics, employment issues and whatnot. But on the whole the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I wouldn't go back to my former life for anything!

[arbon]

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?



I can't think of positives!! :)

its just always been part of my life, part of whats made me who I am.

I don't experience so much anymore. Sometimes, but its more situational now.
Before it was more of a constant frustration and dislike of being a man. Unhappy and depressed, but I was used to it.

[LeaP]

From the APA:


For a person to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, there must be a marked difference between the individual’s expressed/experienced gender and the gender others would assign him or her, and it must continue for at least six months. In children, the desire to be of the other gender must be present and verbalized. This condition causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

From a qualitative standpoint, there is no ambiguity in "clinically significant distress or impairment." Regardless of whether good may ultimately come of it, in itself it is a horrible experience.

In my case it has wreaked destruction across a wide swath of family and non-family relationships, been instrumental in establishing behaviors that have isolated me, contributed significantly to depression and borderline dissociation, kept me in a state of hair trigger anger and overreaction for decades, destroyed or prevented any real social life, hampered my career development, and driven me to attempt suicide.

Positive or negative? Are you kidding? Van Gogh was a brilliant painter because of what he was, but I doubt that he would've described it as a positive experience.

I have come to distinguish gender dysphoria as a condition from the issues and impairments that it causes, however. Much of my life can be described as suffering the consequences and impairments. There have always been gender "issues" muddled up in that in various and complicated ways. It wasn't until depression (in particular) was sorted out that transsexuality snapped into focus.

Now on hormones for 16 months, I'm stable and pretty happy. Consequences (not impairments) now flow from the actions I'm taking and decisions I'm making. What I mostly feel these days is out of sorts physically. Never happy with my body or how I look. Perpetually out of sync with my self image. No more muddle.

[mary something]

lea would you choose to have never had gender dysphoria if possible?

If so describe what that life would have looked like instead please, not so much the emotional description but the nuts and bolts of everyday life. Would you drive a more masculine vehicle for example?

[stefan37]

GD for me caused anxiety. I did not realize my anxiety was caused by it, had no idea i suffered from it. I knew I was different and crossdressed to feel better, but again did not link the anxiety , corssdressing to GD. The positive aspect of GD was I was able to channel that anxious energy into being active and getting involved in projects and hobbies. The transition has been very positive for me. I have been well accepted. My business is thriving because the energy I used to suppress myself has now been released and can be channeled into more positive events. There is one huge negative, which will take me a long time to get over. The demise of my 30 year marriage is a direct result of my need to transition. I wish I never suffered from GD, but it is the only thing I have known for 57 years. It is what it is and I have to deal with the consequences and take responsibility for any positives or negatives.

[Carlene]

In my current life arrangement, it can't be a good thing. There are too many people around me that need me to be all male, and I have accomplished that role all of my life. Having said that, I can relate to much of what LeaP has been through. I don't really want to go into it, but suffice it to say that I am no longer happy being the kind of man I am. In fact, I feel like I might want to be a blend of male/female. I believe that I am too old to learn enough about being a woman to actually become one and I'm not sure if that would be the answer anyway.

That being said, I don't see an end in sight. The freedom to explore who I am/might become is not readily available to me. It can be tough at times.......today is one of them................Carlene

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Going back to my group therapy days there was a topic called "gender dysphoria..a blessing? or a curse?" it caused a heated debate...

I'd parse it to say that basically its a curse... but you have power of over it, and if you exercise that power and live an authentic life because you found out about gender dysphoria and what it means, then using that power to live a good life is a blessing...

....

another line I remember from group therapy happened during my first session... there were about 10 of us...one transitioned woman, and 9 folks at various stages of transition, non transition, and distress...and lets get real about GD...everybody there was very distressed...

anyway, the counselor asked the transitioner to speak first... she asked her to describe what transition has done for her... there was quite a long pause, then she smiled kind of sadly and said.."well....it cured my gender dysphoria".... and we all hung on the rest of her words... but that was it.... she kind of smiled and finally said..."that's about it".....

I have to look back and smile as I think of how she got it very right...

The good news is when you get over the GD...it opens up your world... its hard to conceptualize it but I think of GD as being an ever present passenger to your male life... at various points its louder or quieter...more or less distress...and it takes enormous mental energy to deal with it... your life is viewed through GD glasses... every "guy" thing...every kiss..every movie...every woman you see (That you want to be)...every interaction that felt vaguely "wrong" ....every time you catch yourself in a female daydream...shutting down that 24/7 engine in your mind so you can function actually makes it pretty difficult to function!!!

looking back I don't know how I did it... the GD was so fricking everywhere in my head..it was hard to think...it was hard to plan and view a good future.....it was finally hard to live...and that's when you transition

MY GD was an experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy...I think back to all those years when I sucked it up and I just don't know how I survived it..

here's the good news for those looking ahead... I know its very tempting and exciting to try to figure it all out...I truly believe its helpful and supportive to share experience and get the download of what its really like to transition..
but if you transition well, I can guarantee your gender dysphoria will be totally and completely eradicated... this 24/7 churning in your mind just totally goes away... your mind frees itself up and in my own case, I find gender dysphoria as I experienced almost incomprehensible... its so gone, that it doesn't seem real....and what I went through doesn't harm me anymore...it doesn't make me bitter ..just a little bit sad...but I view it like any other 50 year old woman looking back on her life about the coulda woulda shoulda's of life..

transition cures gender dysphoria....maybe transition is the blessing borne of the curse of GD?

[mary something]

I feel like I might want to be a blend of male/female.

Thank you for sharing Carlene! When you wrote that above how did you feel emotionally when you typed the words? Did it feel good? Have you ever thought that exact same sentiment and felt fear also comingled into the emotions? I think at some point in my life I would have felt exhilerated and scared of this feeling.

[Marleena]

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings towards it personally?


I see it as both but positive to a lesser degree. I've mentioned before that I've dealt with severe GD twice. My ex-wife and current wife both have seen me meltdown and both knew I needed help. It definitely can ruin your quality of life. I was like many here that went into denial and hiding thinking I had it beat only to have it rear it's ugly head again late in life when I can't do much about it. I won't go into that because it will sound like whining and I don't want sympathy or pep talks.

The positive was getting a therapist this time and finally deal with it and was happy to know I wasn't nuts. My whole life finally made sense as all the buried feelings and reasons for pain and depression came back. I was happy having the answer but it didn't last long. Another huge obstacle has just come up that will most likely see us losing our home. Right now I feel like I'm just taking pills to cope with it all.

What does drive me nuts is the posts we get in here about wanting hormones just for boobs or to feel more girlie. I do however understand people that have experienced GD and are excited with their steps during transition and post about it.

Michelle's post is so uplifting to me as she proves how transition can change your life for the better.

[Carlene]

I didn't necessarily feel good, nor was there fear attached. I believe it just might reflect the truth.

[mary something]

every "guy" thing...every kiss..every movie...every woman you see (That you want to be)...every interaction that felt vaguely "wrong" ....every time you catch yourself in a female daydream...shutting down that 24/7 engine in your mind so you can function actually makes it pretty difficult to function!!!


it sure does doesn't it Kaitlyn? deliberately stopping your mind from doing exactly what it should be doing makes it difficult to function. Would you agree with that?

EDIT- I'm sure that you're correct that transitioning well will solve GD, I've heard that consistently and it seems to be a universal truth. Do you think it is possible to transition better by understanding GD better? Why do you think she smiled sadly?


I believe it just might reflect the truth.

thank you! was it a hopeful sort of feeling or more perhaps an analytical type of thought? I hope you don't mind if I ask you to give an idea of the emotion that comes along with it. If you're not feeling one that is ok too!

[Ariamythe]

Personally, GD more or less ruined my adult life up to this point. It caused me to have trouble making friends (never fit in with 'the guys"). It drove me into depression. It made me overeat to make myself feel better. It caused me to be angry and temperamental. It destroyed my relationship with my ex-wife and made it harder for me to love my children. Ultimately, it almost drove me to kill myself.

GD is really just an effect, though. Had I been raised in a culture that didn't make me scared and ashamed of the feelings; that didn't mock "trannies" and use men in dresses as the butt of jokes; that didn't so strictly enforce mores and traditions that demanded the gender binary; then perhaps GD wouldn't have ruined my life. Perhaps it would have been a signal instead of a symptom. Perhaps, by now, i'd be cured. :(

Luckily, I'm finally "on the mend" from GD. My life is getting better. It may be too little, too late to fix all the damage it caused, but I can sure as heck make sure it doesn't damage me anymore.

[mary something]

The demise of my 30 year marriage is a direct result of my need to transition.

I appreciate you sharing Stephanie. When my marriage ended it was very difficult for me to speak about it for a long time. May I ask you a personal question? I struggled with the fact that my marriage simply didn't have the framework and underpinnings that would allow me to be happy. I tried really hard in lots of different ways to work around that by learning new skills, enjoying hobbies, becoming a fan of a local sports team, reading voraciously. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it but it wasn't fulfilling to what I needed. I struggled with bouncing between being resentful towards my wife for not understanding that I was expressing needs and not wants. Then after feeling resentful towards her I would then feel guilty towards myself for feeling that way. I've always admired how you can express your feelings about the changes in your relationship without being judgemental towards your SO.



its just always been part of my life, part of whats made me who I am.


Have you always thought of it as being outside of you? Does it feel consistent with your experiences to say it is part of you?

[LeaP]

lea would you choose to have never had gender dysphoria if possible?

If so describe what that life would have looked like instead please, not so much the emotional description but the nuts and bolts of everyday life. Would you drive a more masculine vehicle for example?

I am glad you asked the first question in the way you did. It is often asked in the form "would you choose never to have been transsexual." I have no answer for my second formulation. To ask what it would mean to be me without being me doesn't mean anything. But would I not have GD? OMG! Of course I would choose not to have GD!

I like theoretical things – a lot. But even I won't go into what life might have been like. I've tried on one or two occasions, but it really doesn't yield any benefit to try.

It's pretty hard to imagine driving a more masculine vehicle than the pickup trucks have been driving for the last 30 years, though. I finally gave them up last year. I'm now driving a bright orange jeep!

[mary something]

I've mentioned before that I've dealt with severe GD twice.

Was it different at different ages? What did you tell yourself the first time that you were able to surpress your feelings? Was it negative towards yourself?


To ask what it would mean to be me without being me doesn't mean anything. But would I not have GD? OMG! Of course I would choose not to have GD!

Ironic isn't it that the medicine is the ill? Can we boil it down to being a bunch of folks who don't want to take their medicine lol? (sorry, I couldn't help but pose that type of chicken and egg question to you, it's your analytical mind made me want to! :))

I agree completely with your sentiment, but does it seem that we are imagining a choice that doesn't exist? Why do we so willingly sacrifice something to pretend this choice exists that many other people wouldn't?

Orange jeeps are so much better than pickups! :)

I'm sorry for all the questions, I promise I'm not trying to pick or argue.

Would it be safe to say that you picked out vehicles pretty much the same way throughout your life as if gender dysphoria hadn't affected you? Did it increase or lessen over time?

[Marleena]

Was it different at different ages? What did you tell yourself the first time that you were able to surpress your feelings? Was it negative towards yourself?

When I was in my twenties I tried to self medicate. I had no idea what was driving me back then. I have my answer now. Anyways, I ran out of pills and life got in the way and I went into "survival mode" like we learn to do (denial. repression). There was nothing negative about wanting to transition then and it would have been the perfect time if I had the help I do now.

I don't want it now due to my age and financial situation. The intensity is increasing to about the same now as back then though I think. I'm being cautious about what I do though.

We're better off looking at the success stories here, I'm not one of them.

[LeaP]

...Can we boil it down to being a bunch of folks who don't want to take their medicine lol? ...

I don't think so. I'd like to think that in a better world, transsexuality would be identified and corrected without stigma. No stigma and most of the things we are calling GD disappear. If so, GD isn't necessary medicine, it's better compared to reparative therapy, in this case institutionalized and applied by our community and culture. Reparative therapies don't work - they damage people. We are living proof.



I agree completely with your sentiment, but does it seem that we are imagining a choice that doesn't exist? Why do we so willingly sacrifice something to pretend this choice exists that many other people wouldn't?

...
Would it be safe to say that you picked out vehicles pretty much the same way throughout your life as if gender dysphoria hadn't affected you? Did it increase or lessen over time?

You are going to have to clarify the first paragraph above. I've read it 5 times and still don't get what you are asking.

On the vehicle question, I've wanted a Jeep since my teens when my sister's friend showed in hers with her St. Bernard riding in the passenger seat, the top off, and windshield folded down. Coolest thing I had ever seen. My first car was an orange, 1967 Dodge Dart. I'm less sure about motivations for most of the vehicles in between that orange Dart and the orange Jeep, but it sure feels like a return to Oz.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Mary, her smile was a beaten down smile...it made a huge impression on me... I looked at her at the time as a beacon of something I aspired to be..and I think in that room she was very aware that is how many of us felt....but she also knew what many of us were in for.... she knew what she had accomplished, she knew what it cost..she knew what the therapist was really asking.... I think her smile reflected all of that...

++++
You asked if there is any value in asking the question..

No, I do not think there is much value (to the transitioner) in trying to understand and what I'd say is overanalyze gender dysphoria...its a distress borne of experience and its difficult for words to reflect what it really is

...its certainly worth discussing what it is so we can all communicate effectively about it..

its very valid to talk about it and how we experienced it in the context of supporting each other and realizing that we are not alone... there is just so much distress around all of this

...its good to share...but I just don't see how understanding it better helps...
by "understanding" what do you mean anyway?? if somehow you understood it better than you do now, what would you gain?

I suspect that sometimes the very natural question you asked comes from a place of trying to escape the reality of it...

[Kimberly Kael]

So many times we hear about gender dysphoria and always it is referred to in the most negative ways. It is something painful that we experience, it causes us problems. In my mind it has always been framed as at best a necessary evil perhaps but not so much anymore.

As others have pointed out, gender dysphoria is an inherently negative force. It's the manifestation of pressure to conform to standards established by a majority who doesn't understand the reality experienced by transgender individuals. It's no more a "necessary evil" than gay bashing or witch burning, and it's rooted in some of the same prejudices.

I attribute significant positive aspects of my life to being transgender, but that's despite gender dysphoria, not because of it.

[arbon]

Have you always thought of it as being outside of you? Does it feel consistent with your experiences to say it is part of you?

I'm not really sure what you mean.
GD has been a big part of my experience in life, and it was a pretty negative experience.
I don't know if that makes it a part of me, inside or outside of me.

I always like the way Kaitlyn says things, I liked what she said in her first post on this thread
I mean not having all the confusion, shame, fear, depression, anxiety etc. that were all connected to the gd,
to just be able to be myself
its like night and day in my life.


I do know that Jeeps are pretty cool and wish I had one!

[mary something]

Arbon- have you ever thought to yourself "I am gd"? It comes from within us, we cant ignore it because it is us!

Lea I guess what I mean is that our dysphoria and the extremeness of what we experience is based upon thinking that we can not be ourselves. That it is even a choice.

Gender dysphoria is us lying to ourselves. Its not the gender dysphoria that damages as much as the lies. The things we tell ourselves to stop is from being true to our nature.

We beat ourselves up our entire lives. Now read kellys quote in my SIG.

[arbon]

No, I never though of myself as GD. Its not who I am.

I do think of myself as transsexual, but thats not the same.

Do you?

How can you be GD? Like saying you are a disease.

[LeaP]

Lea I guess what I mean is that our dysphoria and the extremeness of what we experience is based upon thinking that we can not be ourselves. That it is even a choice.

Gender dysphoria is us lying to ourselves. Its not the gender dysphoria that damages as much as the lies. The things we tell ourselves to stop is from being true to our nature.

We beat ourselves up our entire lives. Now read kellys quote in my SIG.

A point of self-realization may be reached after which continuing as-is becomes either living a lie or making a dreadful set of trades. Before that point is reached, I think it an error to conceptualize life as living a lie. I didn't think consciously that I had to lie to get by, that I was making choices. I simply bent under the pressure to conform and go along. (Although the reality in my case was more withdrawal than conformity.)

I not only didn't think I was making choices, but explicitly rejected the idea for years and years. I never thought of my reactions as anything other than reasonable because it was who I was. I didn't understand and start taking responsibility for myself until quite recently.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am most certainly not GD...
The proof of that is that I transitioned.
GD is gone... if I "was" GD that can't happen...

as I discuss this its an intellectual exercise. It's reaching back into my own experience (and what I've observed) and just chatting about it..

does it feel that way to you Mary? does it feel like something more to you??

[Rachel Smith]

Do you consider it a positive or negative influence on your life? If so upon that reflection does that change your feelings to wards it personally? .

I definitely don't think it's much of a positive. The most important positive, at least to me, is it gave me a much better perspective on accepting people for their differences. I think that is something we all need to remember, after all how can we ask for acceptance if we can't give it. People don't really bother me unless they are hurting others. I just accept them for what they are and how they treat me.

Other than that it's pretty much negative even though it has made me who I am today. It cost me a 28 year marriage and a few friends. I harbor no ill will to wards my wife even though she will no longer talk to me. It's not her fault but mostly societies and mine. Societies for not accepting "us" and mine for not doing something about it earlier in my life, see quote below.

I dealt with it by drinking, drugs and trying many jobs to find happiness. Nothing worked. I just never felt like I fit in anywhere when there was a mass of testosterone around. I was much better at talking with girls/women about feelings and stuff.

When I attempted suicide I knew it was time for a change. Action was desperately needed.

I am now happier then I can ever remember being. My ADD and the constant lighting bolts crowding my mind until I was exhausted by the end of the day are gone now. As Johnny Nash said in a song, I can see clearly now, the pain is gone.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1MjRp0ys5I listen here it is a great song and sums up my life since transition perfectly.

Hugs
Rachel

[mary something]

think about Kaitlyn's quote, all of those things she listed was her REACTIONS. It was coming from inside her. We externalize it as something outside ourselves. that is why it is so incomprehensible at the time.

The moment we realize that gender dysphoria is fueled by ourselves, the moment we own it is when it is safe to. When all the lies and excuses you told yourself your entire life can't hurt you anymore.

The moment that you fully experience yourself as female. When people experience you as female and pass it back to you. The moment you look in the mirror and you can't see a male anymore.

That is why transition makes GD go away. It was never anywhere nor does it go somewhere after transition. The GD is YOU. It's your fears, anxieties, feelings of hopelessness and despair. It's your inner voice whispering to you and your thoughts trying to kill you.

It's the moment that everything you ever told yourself to try and be the person you "ought" to be becomes impossible to be true.

But what is even worse than that is the scars it leaves behind. that is GD too. Years of telling yourself that you're a pervert, or you can never be a woman, or people will hate you, or that you're unlovable or a million other terrible and nasty things we make ourselves believe - because that is what it took to repress yourself.

That is why it is so hard to say "I'm transitioning to be happy". Happiness? How many of us can even tell ourselves we DESERVE happiness? Of course we can't even fathom deserving happiness because we've spent years doing whatever it takes to not be ourselves. We've had to tell ourselves some rather nasty things to make us so scared of what we really are that we'll be ANYTHING else instead.

It's not gender dysphoria that hurts us nearly as bad as the fear, shame, guilt, and humiliation we use to destroy ourselves before we've even learned our own names.

It's easy to fix the physical part, we can change our bodies and that is a wonderful thing. I want everyone to realize that GD is a part of them, then learn that all those hurts they've given themselves are based on a lie.

Everybody has scars, we're no different from anyone else in that regard. Most people let theirs heal though, I have to ask myself if I am too and some days I don't. Even after the repression is gone and the gender dysphoria is gone, you have to be mindful of a lifetime of habits that limit yourself. That is such an important part of transition and it doesn't cost a penny.

I agree that saying "I am gender dysphoria" sounds silly and would definitely be a chapter in Fight Club if only Chuck Palahniuk had been a tranny. It sounds ridiculous, I am GD. But it is true.

Heck some of us have spent years of our lives when that was ALL that we were, I've done it. Kaitlyn describes it wonderfully, as does Marleena, Arbon, and so many others.

Hasn't it ever struck you as odd that someone else's words can resonate so strongly about something you've hardly ever shared with anyone? It happens to me all the time on these boards, especially when people talk about GD.

[mary something]

were you around family? The holidays are a tough time of year for lots of people because the present is so indelibly linked to the past on those days. We don't remember average normal days but special moments and such. The veil between the past and present is thinnest on those days

I'm sorry you felt that way, especially on Thanksgiving, does it feel possible to see the forces acting upon you as an internal force or does it feel more like an external force?

[SandraV]

I can't think of positives!! :)

its just always been part of my life, part of whats made me who I am.

I don't experience so much anymore. Sometimes, but its more situational now.
Before it was more of a constant frustration and dislike of being a man. Unhappy and depressed, but I was used to it.

Arbon, I think you just described exactly how I very often feel. I would agree I have yet to find positives in this whole deal. So it goes...

[Ariamythe]

It's not gender dysphoria that hurts us nearly as bad as the fear, shame, guilt, and humiliation we use to destroy ourselves before we've even learned our own names.

It's easy to fix the physical part, we can change our bodies and that is a wonderful thing. I want everyone to realize that GD is a part of them, then learn that all those hurts they've given themselves are based on a lie.
This is where I don't share your take on this. To me, GD *is* the fear, shame, guilt, and humiliation. GD is *defined* by the awful feelings one has because of the discongruity between what we are and what we see ourselves to be. The very definition of dysphoria is the state of feeling unhappy or mentally unwell.

The condition I have is being transgender. The symptoms that manifest when I cannot express my transgender nature is gender dysphoria. I won't embrace GD. I will embrace being transgender to the fullest extent possible, and be glad when GD is a distant memory.

[dreamer_2.0]

So far it's been completely negative. It's brought pain, suffering, and depression which has in turn led to my becoming a recluse. I wish it would disappear and would accept a male life if it would and I had no memory of it.

I'm not convinced transition is right for me yet though so the dysphoria continues.

[mary something]

Yes I guess it was internal. It came from inside of me.

I have felt all those things before too and it is AWFUL. Those are the things I was telling myself to deny my right to an authentic life, to scare myself into being what I was supposed to be. They are false and true for neither one of us.

I have been wrestling with this insight for a long time. Those feelings come from INSIDE us. It always felt like something acting upon me. But that realization is scary at first then when you get comfortable with it you realize it is your freedom.

[Marleena]

Well if GD is me and I'm GD then I must be a masochistic to allow it again at this point in my life. WTH was I thinking?

[mary something]

Marleena I'm not saying that your feelings are not real. Nor am I saying that your masochistic and doing this because you like pain. I'm saying the only person who really stops us from transitioning is ourselves.

[Marleena]

Mary I was just being dramatic there. I get where you were going with this..

[mary something]

This is where I don't share your take on this. To me, GD *is* the fear, shame, guilt, and humiliation. GD is *defined* by the awful feelings one has because of the discongruity between what we are and what we see ourselves to be. The very definition of dysphoria is the state of feeling unhappy or mentally unwell.


technically gender dysphoria is simply when a persons expressed/experienced gender is markedly different from what others would consider them to be, over a given span of time. The condition causes significant distress which is manifested by feelings of shame, guilt, etc like we were saying. Here's the APA definition that Lea provided

"For a person to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, there must be a marked difference between the individual’s expressed/experienced gender and the gender others would assign him or her, and it must continue for at least six months. In children, the desire to be of the other gender must be present and verbalized. This condition causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."

I'm saying that the clinically significant distress is internally driven because we are like fish trying to live out of water. Before transitioning it doesn't matter what you try to do to fix it it won't feel better until the individual focuses on themselves by transitioning. The longer we allow ourselves to live a life of clinically significant distress the more damage we do to ourselves over time, and it tends to get worse with time.

I'm saying the only person who's permission we need to transition is OURSELVES. Until we really accept and give ourselves permission to live authentically we will experience a world of hurt that is INTERNALLY driven.

[GabbiSophia]

Everyone experiences the GD in a different way. I have spent hours reading and trying to understand what it is that I deal with everyday. I say in my life it is very negative. Though I approach it different than most but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist in my life. I have an understanding that it is an anxiety issue and it manifests itself in gender. The "GD" threatens everything I want. If it destroys the things I enjoy then its a negative but I want what I want so I find my ways of having it and dealing with it. I face it head on everyday so that I can keep the things I want. I tell my wife it is like my bad hip, which one day will need to be replaced, but for now it causes a pain that I can live with. I know that it will get worse as time goes on but I am willing to deal with it because I know what the surgery will bring.... at this point in my life I am willing to live with the voice of anxiety.. Though for others the pain is to much and they have to make hard decisions to make the GD go away.. every one is different and the pressure of the gd is different for each person too. I read the stories and experiences of those on their journey and wish all the time that they didn't have to go through all the GD and that I didn't either. So to ask would someone want GD if they could do it again is a terrible thing to ask .. like asking hey would you want to loose your leg again?? ...Those and that is my thoughts and my life right or wrong each person deals and thinks what they want. .... one the crazier side the other bad part of my Anxiety is that I am addicted to potato chips and that is super unhealthy which is also a stupid quirk of mine now due to the anxiety...

Kaitlyn's first post resonates with me but that's the gd talking

[PaulaQ]

GD has been overwhelmingly negative in my life. Treatment is helping me, but it is difficult to imagine my life without the misery of GD. That said, I am feeling better than I did six months ago. But I'm not "there" yet.

[LaurenB]

I learn so much from threads like this. Thanks Mary for thinking of it. I don't post much but I read practically everything.

Asking me whether GD is positive or negative is like asking a fish if the water they're swimming in is positive or negative. I just can't tell. What I do know is that the shame and guilt that is it's by product is naturally negative in it's way. I could do without all those millions of little fear memories. Fear of getting caught..fear of losing something...fear of being hurt.

I think of transitioning all the time. One thing that holds me back is that I know that this GD or TGism or whatever you label it, is connected somehow to my creativity. When my "GD" is peaking, it inevitably resolves in a fit of creativity. I admit that the "GD" (quotes again because I really don't know if that label is right) is a form of energy from which both positive and negative actions and thoughts spring from. If I cured it by transitioning would that energy go away?

[mary something]

Asking me whether GD is positive or negative is like asking a fish if the water they're swimming in is positive or negative.

yes, that is my perception of it also. I don't think it is possible for a TS person to live as the wrong gender role without experiencing GD. The water that fish are in is not just outside them but it permeates every part of their being. Trying to find the distinction between where water ends and where the fish begins is a philosophical discussion. The same for gender dysphoria and TS people living in the wrong role (or at least many of us)


I think of transitioning all the time.
I can relate to that feeling at one point in my life very well


One thing that holds me back is that I know that this GD or TGism or whatever you label it, is connected somehow to my creativity. When my "GD" is peaking, it inevitably resolves in a fit of creativity. I admit that the "GD" (quotes again because I really don't know if that label is right) is a form of energy from which both positive and negative actions and thoughts spring from. If I cured it by transitioning would that energy go away?

I think someone should only transition to become true to their nature, closer to who they are, or you could call it being more authentic. If you're walking a path that leads you closer to your true self then how could you lose a part of you? The problem is that there are other things that could cause someone to have feelings like that and it's best to work with a gender therapist while exploring your feelings. It is very difficult to think yourself out of the place you're in.

If someone begins some of the steps of transitioning and feels they aren't becoming more authentic then they should stop and feel joy that they learned something very important about themselves and possibly saved their own life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

GD is not us...it is not internally driven..it is the exact opposite
it is an invader...it comes at you. it is not a part "of" you...its a parasite

it is something that you experience...
and you experience it simply because of the conflict between your nature and how the world communicates with you.....you feel "wrong" with the world...and it causes distress (ie GD)
This is a very large distinction.

I totally reject that I changed "me"... I changed how the world communicates with me (no more misgendering), how I communicate with the world (I am kaitlyn!!!), and I changed how I physically and emotionally experience my own life..(HRT and surgery)....
when I changed those things..the experience of gender dysphoria was rendered meaningless..the parasite simply dropped off my life..

there is a potato/potatoe thing going on sometimes and I am a big fan of using any means necessary to work through this...

[mary something]

I didn't understand that you were taking it as you changed who you are to become Kaitlyn. That is not what i meant exactly, of course you changed but you traveled in the direction of truth not deception. . You changed "you" to become whoever your parents thought was their son. You did it at a very early age most likely. You lied to yourself. You changed who "that" person was when you transitioned to Kaitlyn. That is why it is referred to as your "true self".

Gender dysphoria being externally driven is because chronologically we experience our wrong self before our true self and think it's normal and that WE are the problem and don't want to rock the boat.

the dysphoria is a reaction though to conditions that are stated in the definition. Who controls our reactions?

We think the problem is external because everyone says you are M. We think this when we are only a few years old and are thinking like a child. It creates a misconception that later in life causes untold pain before transition.

the need to present as we experience ourselves to me seems internal. I know it's not external because my need to express my feminine gender through clothing apparently is much stronger than being punished or shamed or guilted, or even thinking I will go to hell. all external things. It is part of the need for identity. How strong this need is in regard to how disparate your actual presentation versus your innate knowing of yourself (identity) determines how severe the dsyphoria. You've touched upon aspects of this when speaking of the fantasy woman being your enemy (that is what your actual presentation is after transition, don't expect to be princess Di or you'll still feel pain until you've sorted that out)

Our dysphoria is caused by our need to have identity that is accurate and true, to not lie to others about what we are. The need to be true is because we need to connect to others authentically.

When we deny our TS feelings we are denying our own right to an identity. This causes pain. We externalize it and label it as an outside force when actually it is caused by need to express identity because we are feeling the pain of lying about our true identity to others when our outsides don't match what we perceive our insides to be. It is easier to lie to ourselves than to someone else so we experience the GD as being separate from ourselves.

This makes it more difficult to transition, to know what to do. Because the GD is felt as external we assume that a transsexual can choose to live as the incorrect gender role and then express rage, anguish, pain, etc because we are miserable. This is a false assumption because of course we can't and be happy also. The longer we wait to transition the more pain we feel as we retrace all those steps we took down the wrong path.

You don't feel dysphoria anymore because your perceived identity and your expressed identity are consistent and also your need for how much gender expression (for example where you buy clothes, lots of women shop at Dicks, being a woman has nothing to do with the clothes) is consistent with your actuality and you're comfortable with it.

Your thoughts?

This is an intellectual exercise of course. My opinion of no one will change based on anything they say, nor do I guarantee anything is true for anyone else than me. YMMV.

[Aprilrain]

GD sucks! Like all pain it's only positive if it motivates the sufferer to fix what's causing the pain. With transsexualism (or whatever you want to call it) it can be extremely difficult to figure out what is really causing the pain. Which is one reason so many people don't transition until they are older.

For me the cure was/is transition and it's not a perfect cure to be sure. But is the best thing going for TSes at the moment.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I didn't lie to myself. I misunderstood my internal monologue(See Aprils comment), and I was afraid to step out of the male box I was put in.
and I also knew instinctively that straying from a male life would be incredibly complicated and difficult.. when I was disappointed to not grow breasts I never concluded "oh I'm female"...I was just really bummed out..

you say we control our reactions...well of course, but I don't see how that really matters...this is purely a given..
we also control our food intake...if I weighed 300 lbs you might say to reduce my calories...well thanks for the advice...

I think Mary you are saying that to start fighting gender dysphoria you have to start somewhere...with yourself... that seems a given...and that we have every right to do so...that's a given too..

but the assertions you are making to conclude that somehow knowing that gender dypshoria is "internal" and if we identify (from another thread) our self hatred (which you say is difficult and I say was easy to me...one of the first terms in my life I ever searched for on netscape was self loathing) we can fight it seems to be a huge stretch to me and it takes away from your encouraging message...

rather than try to convince me that you know what I experienced better than I do, I'd say leave it at the good stuff where you share your empowering thoughts about how we are created as viable and "normal" human beings..
we are part of the human condition..and we have every right to exist the way we want

...and I look at the idea of the solution being internally driven as a given, and its driven by the simple fact that nobody is ever going tell their son, honey I think your a girl and I think you should transition, here's $150,000 for some surgeries... that's gotta come from the inside LOL

[mary something]

rather than try to convince me that you know what I experienced better than I do, I'd say leave it at the good stuff where you share your empowering thoughts about how we are created as viable and "normal" human beings..
we are part of the human condition..and we have every right to exist the way we want


yep you're exactly right! You know in a sense I suppose I was using you as a proxy to talk to myself. Sorry if it offends. It seems to take me a couple days of rereading my threads and the responses to get it sometimes.

I wasn't trying to say you weren't authentic or true or anything like that.

I see so many people struggle with victimization (it's the natural first response I think), but it scares me to think that I might lose my hope and perhaps that is why I felt the need for this thread. I tend to keep muddling and hammering away at myself and anyone who will help me reflect myself back to me until I get it, then rereading the thread over and over to make sure I see past my own self. thanks.

For whatever reason I found it incredibly empowering to realize that the force acting upon me is internal, it is me trying to solve my problems the way "normal" people can and only making them worse. The dysphoria is simply feeling that I'm lying by trying my best NOT to, and then the realization that being true is reflected back to me as a lie.

EDIT- Kaitlyn, yes self-loathing is easy to recognize but I think the particularly hard part is that the solution we need is rather unique lol

[Kaitlyn Michele]

no offense taken and that last thing I want to do is offend you...I do like to say what I mean and mean what I say!!! so sometimes I am a bit direct..

mary what you describe in your message to april is literally exactly how I felt... I recall one time getting all made up and I looked very good ...very "Real"...great wig...great makeup etc... I gasped at my reflection...it touched me so deeply

and I recall being very sad that the little teeny tiny moment of feeling authentic, represented by that gasp was all the authenticity I would ever have....

time marched on and circumstances forced me to reconsider things...

simply because I feel that experience is something the same as what you experienced, I want to urge you to spend your mental energy on "git er done" moments...those are the ones that will matter most in the end...its the circumstances and compromises around transition that will harm you...not the doubts and fears , and not the "why/why me" type questions we've both asked to no avail..

[Marleena]

Mary are we done with the GD is me part?:)

Here's my perspective and I always try to keep things simple: We are born with a "birth defect", we are women internally. When we realize that we are in fact TS women not genetic women. I think we are TS for life but transitioning fixes the incongruence. Gender dysphoria is a "symptom" and transition is the "cure" so to speak. The GD will ebb and flow but eventually we will "hit the wall" if we don't deal with it.

I don't consider myself a woman at this point but a TS woman since I have not completed my transition and might not get there due to my circumstances. I have been corrected for stating I'm not a woman before but TS , that's just how I see it on a personal level.

Maybe you are over thinking things.

[Badtranny]

This term Gender Dysphoria get thrown around here like it was cancer or something, and frankly I don't understand what the big deal is.

I guess every TS must experience it in some way because if we feel like women and we're forced to live as men, then that causes a bit of a dysphoric condition. For me, that condition manifested as simply feeling like an outsider. A perpetually marginalized dude who never felt accepted by either gender. I didn't know this feeling as a gender problem and I barely even associated it with my closeted attraction to men.

I was just not a happy person who had occasional bouts with depression. I didn't cross dress and I didn't burst into tears whenever I caught a glimpse of my penis. I sensed that there was something wrong with me, but I always ascribed it to the wrong job, or the wrong partner, or the wrong house, or eventually the wrong sexual attraction. I didn't make the connection to gender until about a year before I transitioned, and even then there was no agony. I was happy to finally know what my problem was and that there was something I could do about it. Sure I was scared, and sure I put up a fight because I didn't want to ruin my life as I knew it. Looking back, my life was pretty crappy, but it was all I knew and I was sure that transitioning would be the worst idea ever, so I didn't want to do it.

I was lucky because I came to a point where I realized that my life sucked and if I ever wanted a chance to experience real happiness then I would have to do this crazy thing. I did NOT have to do it. I didn't do it to save my life, I did it to give me a fighting chance at a decent quality of life. I did it to finally stop acting the way I thought people wanted me to act and to experience what it was like to act naturally, whatever that was. For me, GD was like a bad smell that finally makes you clean house. That smell was familiar and pervasive, but not terrible, until one day I was sick of smelling it so I got to work.

[PaulaQ]

I'm glad you didn't experience really crippling and debilitating GD, Misty. Trust me, it gets a lot worse than what you experienced. Given the choice - I'd have picked cancer, quite frankly.

You obviously transitioned before it became so bad. That's really the right thing to do, although it flies against the notion of "transition or die!" as being the time to transition. I got to "transition or die" - it sucks, I don't recommend it. Attempting the "or die" part is just a terrible choice to make.

As for crying when I catch a glimpse of my penis - well, I've never done that - but it does feel like a foreign body growing out of my groin. It isn't a nice feeling at all.

For me, GD was like being in solitary confinement in prison - coupled with hiding like a cold-war era spy, scared that one mistake meant almost certain death.

[emma5410]

It was not transition or die so much as RLE or die. I decided to transition last July because I knew that was my only viable future but I could still cope as a man. The plan was to start RLE in May or June of this year. Unfortunately, the GD got progressively worse and by November of last year living as a man was becoming almost impossible so I fixed the date for my RLE in January. I would have done it sooner but that was the first practical date from a work point of view.
It is starting RLE that is the real transition.
I was taking hormones, having electrolysis, going out as Emma, seeing psychiatrists and my therapist for months and no one at work or in my family had any idea I was TS. It is possible to do those things in secret. The effects of hormones can be hidden for a long time and most people will not notice anything. Especially if they see you on a regular basis.
Starting RLE is when it gets real. Everybody knows what you are. Not just the ones you want to know but potentially the whole world.
I upset people once by suggesting that you were not transitioning unless you had started RLE. That was a bad choice of words.
There is a lot involved in transitioning before RLE and much of it is difficult. I understand that. I have done it and got the T Shirt.
But I think RLE is 80%, or maybe more, of transitioning. However difficult things may be now RLE is another level entirely.
This, of course, is my own experience and I am far from finished with my own transition.

[KellyJameson]

In my own life it has been extremely destructive but not in ways usually deemed destructive.

It was something that was corrosive and touched everything while remaining invisible.

Very difficult to point to and say this is the reason everything is "off" in my life.

It is hidden in the shadows but is always compelling you to search for truth.

Gender dysphoria made me a truth seeker in the search for my lost self which was my repressed gender identity.

Being a truth seeker makes for a barren existence because you cannot afford attachments to anything but you need these attachments to discover the truth you seek.

This creates frustration in relationships out of the desire to be known and to find the forgotten and unlived self as your gender.

It makes for a weird relationship with your own body on some level because you are enstranged from it so at best will not value it and by extension your health or maintenance of your body.

Gender dysphoria does not automatically mean hatred of the genitals but an uneasy truce with that which "feels" foreign and this comes from someone who has always had a very positive relationship with my body as not using drugs of any type or abusing alcohol.

I eat healthy and have always being active physically so I lived through my body but still felt out of place inside it and took extra good care of myself from the fear that this enstrangement caused me.

I "sensed" I was dangerous to myself without understanding why.

You have to be careful with gender dysphoria because it is about identity and sexual abuse or being hated by a parent for being "male" could cause an identity crisis where you incorporate the hate as self hate and loathing so reject yourself and move toward the female.

There is a massive amount of hidden misandry in the world and sensitive boys could be vulnerable to absorbing this hidden hate so seeking to escape it by escaping themselves.

Mothers who practice emotional incest with their sons and become emotionally over bounded to them could potential plant the seeds for future gender dysphoria and this looks very different from those born as female.

Being born transsexual is naturally identifying as female not identifying with the female out of the unnatural trauma of what was done "to you" as a male.

This to me is the primary difference between those who were born into it and those who were "made into it" and why a person searching for the truth is wise to reflect on their childhood.

It is a chicken or egg problem of what came first the identity and than the trauma because of the violence done to this identity or the trauma that created the identity out of the violence.

This was one of the main reasons that made me fearful of transitioning. I needed to know the why behind the identity because I have seen several transitions go horribly wrong.

Strangely I have to say those who came into contact with me probably suffered more by my dysphoria than I did because suffering was normal for me but not for them.

I have never been violent and raising my voice and cruelty of any type feels very unnatural to me but climbing into my life with me and going along for the ride was VERY disruptive to how most people experience their version of reality.

Just as our bodies are foreign to us, our reality that grows out of this clashes with the reality people carry who live free of gender dysphoria.

It becomes one against the many and tests you to your very limits.

A woman living life being told she is a man will experience a clash of reality with everyone if she is able to hold onto her truth but to do this she must become a truth seeker and this means living in the desert removed from everyone else even while being surrounded by others.

You impose self isolation even if it means going into mental illness to protect your identity.

For me the only positives would be the positives that come out of being forced to be a truth seeker and these have all been spiritual in nature but the price is often paid in death for those who are forced to walk this path.

Anyone touched by a truth seeker will either be burned or freed but either way it is an ordeal for all involved.

I would not wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy

[mary something]

I did it to finally stop acting the way I thought people wanted me to act and to experience what it was like to act naturally, whatever that was. For me, GD was like a bad smell that finally makes you clean house. That smell was familiar and pervasive, but not terrible, until one day I was sick of smelling it so I got to work.

Do you act very different now that you look different?

I remember my therapist asking me how I thought being female instead of male would change my everyday life and telling her that I didn't expect it would make any differences to it at all. I had already changed my entire life and was living as closely to that of the woman inside me as possible, yet I was still there in therapy and really distressed because I wanted to LOOK different. A part of me felt transition was inevitable since I was probably 21 or 22, I've been waiting until I could do it safely, before that time it was just a yearning. I think a lot of people wait until they can do it safely, then afterwards are way too hard on themselves when they have forgotten how bad or scary it really was at the time.

Nobody is scared AFTER they get off the rollercoaster, are they?

[Rachel Smith]

Melissa I hope you don't mind me butchering your post but you said it so wonderfully


I guess every TS must experience it in some way because if we feel like women and we're forced to live as men, then that causes a bit of a dysphoric condition......


For me, that condition manifested as simply feeling like an outsider. A perpetually marginalized dude who never felt accepted by either gender....I was just not a happy person who had occasional bouts with depression.....

I have found out that most of my male friends accepted me I just didn't feel like they did.


I sensed that there was something wrong with me, but I always ascribed it to the wrong job, or the wrong partner, or the wrong house....,

It had to be someone else's fault because it surely wasn't me.


I was happy to finally know what my problem was and that there was something I could do about it. Sure I was scared, and sure I put up a fight because I didn't want to ruin my life as I knew it. Looking back, my life was pretty crappy, but it was all I knew and I was sure that transitioning would be the worst idea ever, so I didn't want to do it.

I don't think any of us WANT to do it at first. It is a scary prospect. My biggest concern was what if I ruin my crappy life and feel no better. Luckily for me that didn't happen and now I wish I would have done it much earlier in life.


I was lucky because I came to a point where I realized that my life sucked and if I ever wanted a chance to experience real happiness then I would have to do this crazy thing.....

After my failed attempt at ending it all just to get rid of the internal pain and constant struggle I knew it was do it or die. Lucky for me I had/have my best friend Michelle here for me. She has never left me and w/o her I would have not made it.

Rachel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Melissa you transitioned earlier... I didn't feel the gender dysphoria in my 30's at all...altho I did crossdress and obsess about this all the time... for me personally, I believe that the "GD" exploded in my mid 40's because I had it bottled up sooo tight, and I literally spent 100's of hours a year crossdressing (quite pathetically alone) which at first relieved me a lot...

I wonder if you waited 10 more years.

Also, there really is a matter of intensity and it makes perfect sense that some feel it more or less...
no matter...it would be much much better to skip the whole GD thing...

mary

I also waited until I could do it safely.. my frame of mind was poor but I was ready to follow through... and it was very bad and very scary for a while...I was very afraid and very isolated... you described me to a T

Once it became totally obvious that I was committed to transition..and that means after ffs... I was no longer afraid...it turns out I was really anxious about NOT going through with everything...because once I got out of FFS, all of my anxiety and fear was gone...I became totally proud and ok with everything...although I THOUGHT my GD feelings were totally gone, I started to get nervous and anxious again......and I almost didn't have srs and I started getting phobic about it... but I went through with it, and I felt totally different again... and once again all my anxiety was gone...

Sitting here right now, it feels like none of it ever happened, it feels like I was always this way...and I always acted the way I act right now (more or less)...

its an amazing feeling and we all deserve to feel it..

[mary something]

Mary are we done with the GD is me part?:)


no lol. I feel better for the last few months than I've ever felt in probably my whole life. I'm on hrt and there aren't any barriers to transitioning completely. There are things left to do of course and time to spend and more steps to take but I've realized something important.

It's not about how FAR away the goal seems, it's how possible it seems that really determines how you feel about it.

When you realize that something very important to you that needs to be done is not possible or at least not without sacrifices you're possibly unwilling to make then you feel dysphoria.

The dysphoria is NOT how impossible it is, it is your PERCEPTION of the situation, your reaction.

Every bit of dysphoria that I've ever felt was completely caused by me. I wasn't making a good choice, I was acting in an unnatural manner for me.

I think one major theme for TS people is the interplay of guilt and shame verses self expectations. If we think that this ends because our face gets more feminine or we grow breasts I think we are fooling ourselves. Sure the dysphoria to feminize ourselves ends, because we are more feminine LOL. Our happiness will still be determined by how accurately we perceive our needs and how whatever methods we use to fill them produce feelings of guilt and shame afterwards.

Basically we have lived a lifetime BEFORE transitioning where we did a CRAP job of understanding our needs, how to act to meet those needs, and then dealing with unwanted feelings of guilt and shame because of the consequences.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because my dysphoria has lessened to a great extent because I am pleased with the fact that I have started feminizing my body more and I have already taken all the actions necessary to make sure that there are no hurdles to a full transition. Sure there will be problems, issues, fears, etc. But I have no doubt that I can achieve a physical transition SAFELY. I feel loads better.

But have I learned anything about myself? Have I learned how to break the habits of a lifetime that lead to poor choices for ME? I have.

It is impossible to live my life the way I was before without feeling dysphoria. It was not some mysterious outside force that was acting upon me that I needed to cure. I was being a dumbass and listening to my thought (cognitions) instead of my feelings. My thinking was not good at making my feelings better. You know how people say "No one would EVER choose this" or "the decision to transition is not a logical decision, you make it with your heart", that is what they are saying. We feel fear, guilt, shame, etc because we have socialized with people who are different from us and don't have this feeling more than we have socialized with people who share this experience. We deny these feelings because we don't see them in other people around us.

This kind of deafness to our feelings can become a habit though. Not being aware of your feelings or valuing other people's opinions more than our own is a guaranteed way of being unhappy. If we blame this on anything but our own choices it is just making it harder to ever be happy. If we externalize our needs as "gender dysphoria" and don't even OWN them then we will be miserable. Even worse we will know how to make that specific problem go away but are we healing our psyche at the same time?

The lesson that I have learned from all of this is that a lot of my problems are caused by me trying to understand myself by comparing myself to the wrong people. This causes guilt and shame that makes my life infinitely harder.

Most people don't really give a crap whether you're transsexual or not (outside of the few people you will encounter whose worldview is threatened by your existence), if they react badly to you it is most likely because you reek of shame or guilt. People move away from negative energy and towards positive energy. Observing this phenomenon in real time in regards to which one you are is crushing.

So really the question is how do we heal ourselves from this experience and learn from it.

That is what this thread has been about I think

edit- we, you, our, all those words really just mean me. that is how my writing looks when I write quickly and don't go back and edit. don't feel that I am speaking for anyone but myself.

[Marleena]

no lol. I feel better for the last few months than I've ever felt in probably my whole life. I'm on hrt and there aren't any barriers to transitioning completely. There are things left to do of course and time to spend and more steps to take but I've realized something important.

It's not about how FAR away the goal seems, it's how possible it seems that really determines how you feel about it.

Okay because that whole GD is me thing was giving me a headache.lol.

HRT does help with the disconnect as you now know. Most of us get that proof within the first few weeks. My emotional change and finally some happiness and clarity was what I needed and had lacked so it was worth it. Anything else from HRT will just be a bonus for me. I'm not in a situation where I can take transition any further right now so it has to be enough. I think we all go into "survival mode" to deny and ignore our truth. Who the heck wants to be transsexual, seriously? The timing was all wrong for me to deal with it, but once I was forced into retirement the GD came back. I had to do something.

[Cheryl123]

To me GD is depression. DSM's "clinically significant impairment in social ...." phrase always made me smile. GD doesn't impair me. I cope extremely well . It does makes me see life in the darkest and most hopeless terms .. it makes me feel useless .. it makes me feel I'll never have any chance at all for happiness .. but I've never been impaired. I had a successful career, even a security clearance (of course the government shrinks didn't know about the real me). I lived a stable life even though I always wanted to be someone I wasn't.

I understand the comparison to a tooth ache . .. how the pain is good because it prompts you to heal what's wrong with you. But what if you can't heal what's wrong with you? In my case, hormones help sometimes. Complete transition? Honestly I couldn't pass as a woman in a dark room even with all the surgery in the book and a decade on estrogen. So I don't have high hopes for a solution. If my vote counted, I'd much rather be a man or a woman, not someone in between – not in this society and not with the pain it causes to people like me.

So GD good or bad? In my case, I vote no. But what the hell, it is what it is.

[Aprilrain]

I guess I just don't see how it matters wether we say the GD is in us, is us, is a mysterious outside force or whatever. None of that really matters, what does matter is recognizing the problem and taking appropriate action. That could mean any number of things. For me, nothing short of a full transition (SRS) will do. it could mean living full time, it could mean just taking hormones and or doing some things to feminize your appearance. Whatever it is the important thing is that action is taken, without action the GD will probably not go away and it will probably get worse over time.

[mary something]

yes April, that is an excellent point, thank you for saying this.

Our (meaning me and my limited understanding of others like me) prime directive is to have a female body. That is it. We are sane people so we value our safety and the safety of our loved ones even at our own expense usually. We are good people.

Understanding ourselves better does not make any difference in accomplishing this goal other than we have to begin and see it through. That is what matters in terms of getting ANYTHING done. Prepare, start, continue, finish. It's a simple sequence and it's easy to know when we are done. The GD is gone, right?

So why worry about anything else? This is our vulnerability, it is what makes us different. Thinking about it has ALWAYS caused me discomfort, I don't expect that to change later even after I've checked off the list.

But we are really shortchanging ourselves if we don't make ourselves go there, and in my opinion making our lives much harder than they have to be by avoiding a little bit more discomfort after facing a fricking mountain of it and overcoming it.

If we see GD as some force that controls us and makes us feel a desire that we cannot own and simply look for a way to cure it there will be problems later.

GD is that crap feeling you get when you don't see what you want to in the mirror, but in the extreme of course.

Very few people on this earth see what they want to in the mirror, yet they deal with it much better than us don't they?

The first step, at least it was for me, is understanding that those feelings of wanting to change and feminize are not only found inside me and other transsexuals but also in another group of people, women.

It is impossible to be ME and not desire this the way I do.

To approach this from a different perspective you strike me as being kind, well spoken, and thoughtful. Did transitioning help this in any way? Do you think you are a more pleasant person around other people and also to yourself now after your physical transition has completed? When you were conscious of your NEED to feminize yourself but had not yet committed to it how would you describe your emotional state?

[Tamera]

Gender Identity Disorder (Dysphoria), well I guess the medical field has to diagnosis us with something in order to treat us.
For me I did not know this term existed, I just knew that I had two identities (one male and the other female) that fought inside me and I did not know why.

I was not as fortunate as the younger generation coming up that have understanding parents and are now more educated on this. I came from a family that you did not talk about things like this. So when I got older and the urge got stronger is when I decided to educate myself and look for answers.

I was tested and got my GID diagnosis. For me it was a "CONFORMATION" of why I was feeling this way and I needed to move forward. I did not choose to be this way and I would have preferred to have been born with my "born identity", but it was not in the cards and so its time to deal with my conflicts and move on.

My therapist taught me to "Integrate" my 2 genders that was having so much conflict because no matter what they will have to learn to get along. She also said, "that I should be glad that I can see things from both perspectives, and that I may be able to talk to both females and males and help them understand the opposites".

Well I did not feel so glad about this but it has helped me talk to others about relationships and "gender roles".

My further testing involved the WAPTH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual,Transgender, and Gender-Nonconforming People, Version 7Coleman, E. This gave me a further understanding of what I was going through.

Since my testing and diagnosis I am on HRT therapy. I don't think SRS is in the cards for me because of my income and age but I am now more relaxed with my identity and live as a girl the best I can. I have went back to college to further my education and get a career in the legal field.

A transgendered persons' journey is never-ending and there are many hurdles that are overcome and hurdles yet to face. But with determination all is possible.

I wish everyone the best in their journey and Happy Holidays!!!!!

Tamera Golden

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Understanding ourselves better does not make any difference in accomplishing this goal other than we have to begin and see it through. That is what matters in terms of getting ANYTHING done. Prepare, start, continue, finish. It's a simple sequence and it's easy to know when we are done. The GD is gone, right?

So why worry about anything else? This is our vulnerability, it is what makes us different. Thinking about it has ALWAYS caused me discomfort, I don't expect that to change later even after I've checked off the list.

But we are really shortchanging ourselves if we don't make ourselves go there, and in my opinion making our lives much harder than they have to be by avoiding a little bit more discomfort after facing a fricking mountain of it and overcoming it.

If we see GD as some force that controls us and makes us feel a desire that we cannot own and simply look for a way to cure it there will be problems later.



Hi Mary..

No. You can't say this with knowledge...you are speculating..and this speculation when framed as fact (or an assertion) leads you to a debatable conclusion

The GD went away...I don't go there anymore...I don't go there because there is no "there" there...there is nothing in its place other than my life...it is one of the biggest challenge that all transitioners face...hear me...THAT is the biggest challenge...not what GD was...not definitions..not understanding why...its dealing with the reality that its gone..

its very natural and part of the progression of a successful transition to deal with all the imponderables, the trappings of medical gatekeepers, gender dyshphoria, DSM's, sexuality, etc etc...

but those issues go away...you just live your life and your life feels "right"...
IF the issued don't go away...if your life doesn't feel right.. you have not transitioned well..

there is nothing I want more than for you to transition well

[mary something]

Thank you Kaitlyn. This will sound vain but here me out, I feel like I know what it is like to be perceived as female by someone else. Much less so as I age and my features become more male, that made my dysphoria worse. At best in male mode I look like a gay guy. I always hated my eyes and lips when I was trying to live the rest of my life in the male gender role.

I'm not talking about feminization of our bodies. I'm talking about being able to be exactly who you are to someone face to face and not feel less than them because you're a woman. because you know that your differences are not a choice on your part. Being able to look at a judge in the eye and not feel self conscious when you know he knows all your secrets.

NOT having any secrets is what I'm talking about I suppose.

[LeaP]

THAT is the biggest challenge...not what GD was...not definitions..not understanding why...its dealing with the reality that its gone..


And that is something over which I have some anxiety, to be honest. While I expect better, it is still a void.

[Kathryn Martin]

The GD went away...I don't go there anymore...I don't go there because there is no "there" there...there is nothing in its place other than my life...it is one of the biggest challenge that all transitioners face...hear me...THAT is the biggest challenge...not what GD was...not definitions..not understanding why...its dealing with the reality that its gone.

I knew that we are essentially on the same page, you just describe it differently. The biggest challenge is to just live. "There is nothing in it's place other than my life..." how brilliant is that... so the question is: can you make peace with your past ?

[stefan37]

I am finding that as i live my life as me there is less of a sense of urgency. My past is what it is. I cannot go back in time. I can only live for today. Also not able to afford facial surgery art this time. I am able to go about my day and go with the flow. I am conscious of male privilege and learning ways of diminishing it so as to socialize more as female. I have joined some women and business groups. I am learning how to interact with others so they see me as female despite my looks. At the point i can afford surgery i well have already developed the social skills necessary to integrate as awoman. I would expect my gd will be completely extinguished if living my life now as i us any indication.

[gonegirl]

The GD went away...I don't go there anymore...I don't go there because there is no "there" there...there is nothing in its place other than my life...it is one of the biggest challenge that all transitioners face...hear me...THAT is the biggest challenge...not what GD was...not definitions..not understanding why...its dealing with the reality that its gone.



The biggest challenge is to just live. "There is nothing in it's place other than my life..." how brilliant is that... so the question is: can you make peace with your past ?

What you said Kaitlyn, is something I'm beginning to experience for myself. I wasn't expecting it, in fact I am still not fully sure of what to expect moving forward but I'm going ahead anyway because there isn't anything to go back to even if I wanted to. By that, I mean how I experienced life as a person who had severe GD is now gone. Obviously a lot has changed for me, there has been a lot of loss, and a lot more will change, but I don't feel like I have a new life. I mostly just feel normal and that feeling is getting stronger.

Kathryn asked can you make peace with past? For me, it feels more like I'm finally getting over myself.

[mary something]

Kathryn I read your post and felt like you said in a few words what I haven't been able to communicate in many posts. What does being able to deal with your past mean?

Are you at peace? Does the thought that your trans cross your mind in social interactions and if so does it limit your ability to connect with others?

Do you have a social life with other women?

Are you as integrated into the world of women as you wish socially?

To me that is WHY you transition. Looking the part will NOT do it by itself unfortunately, although it can help someone feel better about themselves perhaps.

I think its very short sighted to only view dysphoria as the need to try and look like an attractive woman. Your experience could be horrible even unless you are prepared to deal with it socially.

[Memzy]

Gender Dysphoria is interesting. Without it, I wonder if I would have ever made the move to transition, but at the same time I dislike it very much. It does however give me the drive to better myself in a way.
It's slowly becoming less of a problem as I progress through my transition, I'm really not sure if I'd be happier without it. It's a very amusing thing to think about.

[Aprilrain]

Looking the part will NOT do it by itself unfortunately, although it can help someone feel better about themselves perhaps.

I think its very short sighted to only view dysphoria as the need to try and look like an attractive woman. Your experience could be horrible even unless you are prepared to deal with it socially.


I guess by your metric I am successfully transitioned and I did it by focussing on changing my body to fit my mind. Once I accepted myself and dropped the act my femininity just came out. I didn't have to "act" like a woman, I had to "act" like a man and I'm not at all interested in being some caricature of a "lady". And yes i desperatly wanted to be an attractive woman, wether or not that is what i am is in the eye of the beholder I suppose.

I guess I'm just not sure what it is that you feel TSes need to focus on other than the phyisical? What is short sighted about fixing the birth defect?

[Robbin_Sinclair]

[QUOTE=Michelle.M;3368145]Well, by definition it's probably a negative; dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria.
......./QUOTE]

Thanks, Michelle.M. I needed some kind of definition to work from.

Positive? Negative? It depends on if the rest of my mood is positive or negative. That can change hourly...usually in three or four hour cycles.

It can be negative if combined with an interaction with one of those manly males. I just don't like them, yet I have to love the whole world to live up to promises that I made to myself for a happy life. Thie part is called "right view" for some of us.

It is always overall positive. In some ways it helps explain why I have made certain decisions in my life. That's the experience part. It helps me understand how to go on with life...the strength part. And it gives me hope of happiness. I'm always happy when I'm allowing myself to be feminine. The unhappiness starts when it has to be taken away to conform.

The Van Gogh comparison is interesting. While I would never think of myself as having anything close to his genius, I do feel that I share his frustration. Why can't they (most of the rest of the world) just SEE what is so obvious.

Now, feeling feminine with a lovely song starting with the lines, "quiet, quiet night...." in the back of my head, it is positive. Dum, dee dum dum, dum dee dum.

:hugs:

[mary something]

I guess by your metric I am successfully transitioned and I did it by focussing on changing my body to fit my mind.
my perception of you is as a successfully transitioned woman, so yes!


Once I accepted myself and dropped the act my femininity just came out. I didn't have to "act" like a woman, I had to "act" like a man and I'm not at all interested in being some caricature of a "lady".
I don't find you to be a caricature, I think you're one of the most genuine people I've met on here. Would you elaborate on when your outward behavior changed from M to F? How did it coincide with physical changes from M to F?


And yes i desperatly wanted to be an attractive woman, wether or not that is what i am is in the eye of the beholder I suppose.
That is what I see. However as a woman that doesn't ever satisfy does it? That is one of the things men don't understand nor can they really.


I guess I'm just not sure what it is that you feel TSes need to focus on other than the phyisical? What is short sighted about fixing the birth defect?
there is nothing short sighted at all in focusing on the physical, however it takes a long time and costs a LOT of money that not everyone has. Should those people feel that it is impossible and keep living a life where they feel every word, action, and thought is completely artificial to who and what they are?

What about the couple years or three that my endo tells me it typically takes to completely feminize a body because of different lengths of cell life and replacement? That sounds like a long time to wait to me.

I simply keep trying to make the point over and over that it's okay to let the woman come out naturally while you're waiting for the physical changes or the money needed. At first it is hard but it gets easier and it is self-confirming and makes the GD ease incredibly. The desire to feminize the body does not go away but the life destroying anxiety and other symptoms of the dysphoria become much more manageable when you allow yourself to become fully emotionally realized as the woman you are when you need to be so. That actually makes it easier to stay in charge of your life and manage the physical stuff easier to become complete emotionally and physically as a woman.

Does that make sense?

[Kathryn Martin]

I guess I'm just not sure what it is that you feel TSes need to focus on other than the phyisical? What is short sighted about fixing the birth defect?

I guess Mary and you are really saying the same thing. The physical transformation does not in and of itself make you a woman. You either are or are not, as you described when you said you had to "drop the act". If you want to have even half a chance at living a decent life the physical transformation is the foundation. But, male conditioning experienced over many years needs to be undone, and that is not so easy.

In my view the really dark issues facing fully transitioned transsexuals never seem to be spoken about.

[LeaP]

...
...At first it is hard but it gets easier and it is self-confirming and makes the GD ease incredibly. The desire to feminize the body does not go away but the life destroying anxiety and other symptoms of the dysphoria become much more manageable when you allow yourself to become fully emotionally realized as the woman you are when you need to be so. That actually makes it easier to stay in charge of your life and manage the physical stuff easier to become complete emotionally and physically as a woman.

Does that make sense?

LOL! Speak for yourself!

If that is what works for you, more power to you.

My experience is that hormones ease some issues, but don't convey the additional benefits you mention. In charge? While I'm trying to steer things my way, I'm perfectly aware that any control I have of things will be simultaneously fading. Manage physical change more easily? Maybe financially, but impatience and certain kind of pain increases with time. Heck, I just had an electo appointment cancelled and I can't get another until January. That spiked my anxiety instantly. I spent the next several hours trying to decide if I could blow off one of several important meetings to take the other slots available. Hmmm - the first all-hands meeting for our new department ... the one where I have a major role? How about the budget meeting with my peers, boss, and Finance? The demand management meeting with our CIO and CFO? The fact that I was seriously considering it is an indication of how easily going off track can bring back the issues.

I'm also very much doubt that one can become anything like fully emotionally realized before living full-time for quite a while.



In my view the really dark issues facing fully transitioned transsexuals never seem to be spoken about.

Bring one up, then. I'd certainly like to hear about them.

[mary something]

I understand your concerns and anxieties lea. I tried to live that role but was unable to. It felt very calamitous at the time but giving up a job with good pay was the best thing I've ever done for my happiness. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot, does that give you more or less leeway in your opinion with being able to act more naturally with your workmates? Does that subsequently effect your dysphoric feelings? Are u saying that in a manner of speaking you are a victim of your own success?

Yes that is exactly what I mean Kathryn. I wonder how that relates to your concern? Share please? To me these are all gender dysphoric issues.

[LeaP]

I was very concerned about taking a new job and then transitioning because I perceived it as high-risk. I still need a couple of things to go my way before I start face-to-face HR meetings, particularly a good year-end review closed and in the books. I'm making progress - I was told yesterday that I was identified as the successor for two departments in last week's succession planning meetings. I negotiated two huge wins for my department last week in terms of allowing us to operate differently from the rest of the division. My ideas, my work, my wins. I just completed a project a month early and that project allowed the division to make its year end metrics goals.

But some leeway has come from being new. People accept what's first presented better than change. So earrings (nearly invisible), feminized figure and looks, etc. are barely a blip on the radar. I've stopped my forced guy walk ... you know, the stern faced stride ... for my natural gait. And the company went casual - real casual, not business casual - a month after I arrived, so I typically wear low-key women's jeans (which I need for fit these days anyway), ankle socks, etc. I've worn unisex or women's frame glasses for years anyway.

So yes, I have more leeway, both because of circumstances and because what I'm doing at work. It takes off some pressure to be sure ... I don't think it really falls into the dysphoria realm anymore. I was more fearful of being a victim of my success than I actually am.

[mary something]

That is wonderful that your hard work is able to create a more tolerable environment for you. It sounds like a lot of pressure though. When I realized that I needed to find a way of working from home to be able to remove that barrier from my transition I was able to find an amazing amount of energy to do so. Now I realize it was fueled by placing my dysphoric feelings into having the means of being able to transition safely. At the job I worked at my performance was measured in such a way that managers opinions had little to do with keeping the job or my earnings but there was a lot of criticism from others for being effeminate, how I walked, talked, etc.
I started that job in my early twenties and after a few years of it was an incredible mess lol. I made dramatic life changes at the end of my twenties that helped my state of mind immensely. Looking back I don't know how I did it except that I was very focused on specific goals for my family. Buy a house, cars, etc then as soon as I had accomplished that I would fall into intense dysphoria.

It sounds like you are close to achieving your goal of transitioning at work?

[LeaP]

No timeline yet. That will be based on reviews, HR, and house selling. Closer, not close.

[stefan37]

It is a tough place to be. Needing something yet external issues holding up or slowing down progress. Contributes to an internal pressure to move forward. The hard part its the closer to the goal, the slower the progress the more anxious and other feelings grow.

[Ciara Brianne]

For me it has had its good and bad, but for the most part it has been confusing and often psychologically chaotic.

Ciara