Stuck in Limbo

[Cheyenne Skye]

So that's where I am. Limbo. Androgyny prevailing. All because of money :Angry3:

Why does it have to be so damn expensive just to be authentic?
Due to recent increases in my bills (home equity switched to principal and interest instead of interest only payments, have to pay my ex for her share of the equity in the house, plain old cost of living etc.) I've had to give up electrolysis for now. I can only afford to see my therapist once a month (and I am way to messed up for that to be very effective). When I go grocery shopping, I spend extra time deciding just how important each item is before I put it in the cart. And I felt guilty last week when I spent three bucks on a couple or hair clips. I just got paid today and if I pay every bill that's currently due, I'll have about $40 for two weeks food and gas so I can keep working. This sucks so bad.
I can pretty much still pay for my HRT (insurance and generics keeps it real cheap). But the longer I keep taking them, the harder it will be to hide myself (not out at work yet). Also, I've put on some weight from the hormones and most of my feminine wardrobe doesn't quite fit right any more. I could use some more clothes but I can't afford it. I still have some old baggy guy stuff but it makes me cringe a little when I have to go out like that. I'm at the end of my rope. And with the holidays around the corner and not being able to get gifts for my family, it just adds to the guilt.

I just love when everybody says it will get better. But why does it have to get so much more crappy first?

Not really looking for replies, just need to vent.

[Amy A]

It's not a cheap business, that's for sure. The amount of money I've spent on clothes alone recently is, for me at least, more than I can afford and that's without buying a single thing full price.

With the HRT though, if you are on that road then surely you need to start making plans to inform your employers. The only other option you have is turning back. It's a daunting prospect I know and depends greatly on where you work, but if it all goes well then it removes a whole world of worry just not having to hide or pretend anymore.

As for Christmas presents, Paris Lees wrote an article on this in the Grauniad:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/06/christmas-presents-cant-afford-debt?CMP=twt_gu

I wish you the best anyway, I hope you get a break soon.

[Jorja]

Yes, it is expensive but if you want it bad enough.... your day will come. Continue to work your plan and do the things you can do. And.... it is not just a saying, it really will get better. It just seems they have to frustrate the bejesus out of you first.

Hang in there.

[Nigella]

Whilst it is frustrating when things don't go the way you planned, it is really just another challenge to overcome. I have always believed that whatever doesn't harm you only strengthens you.

Allowing yourself to feel frustrated can only add to your frustration, making things seem worse than they are. I'm sure that there are some things you can put a positive spin on. One of my coping mechanisms is to prepare for the worst and when it happens, if its better than the worst, its a bonus.

[Marleena]

Hi Cheyenne I can definitely relate because I'm living on a small pension due to a work related injury. I'm just barely scraping by too. What I can tell you is to keep your HRT meds a priority along with food. You'll need them to cope, I found out the hard way. The GD will start to come back with a vengeance. Hang in there is all I can say.

[Maria in heels]

Cheyenne...it does come in waves....sometimes its many years between the crests but continue to work, keep strong, and keep moving along with your choice to be yourself please. The cliche of "it will get better" does hold true...you just have to keep smiling!