If you can keep your head

[GaleWarning]

There are a number of threads on the forum right now, which tell of failed relationships as a result of the CDer "coming out" to their SO.

To all newbies and lurkers, I say, "Take courage from the success stories you read on this forum. Always, there will be those whose SOs love them for who they are. Be happy for these lucky folk.

"But take care to think carefully, too, about the stories of SOs who cannot accept this side of their CDer's personality. There is a lot to lose if you fail to think things through before you take the irrevocable step of outting yourself. There are a lot of sad CDers on this forum who have rushed in where angels have feared to tread, with disasterous consequences. Be aware.

"Only you know all the variables in your relationship. Only you can weigh up the pros and cons of coming out to your SO. Use your head wisely, so that you don't lose your heart and all you have worked so hard to build up thus far in life.

"Don't be swayed by those around you who have failed to keep their heads and have lost big time as a result of the pink fog, which clouds one's thinking. Take time to think things through, very carefully. Make sure that you can see clearly, and are thinking rationally, before making any decision.

"This is not just about you. Sometimes there are excellent reasons why you can and should remain firmly in the closet."

[Rhonda Darling]

Great advice.

Never let your emotions or desires sway your thinking to the point of taking foolish steps. There are plenty of success stories -- but in almost every case, great care was given to making decisions as to when, where, and whom to trust when the urge to reveal overwhelms. This needs to be your most rational decision of your life (same with starting on the path of HRT and eventual sexual reassignment surgery). You can't undo telling someone!

Rhonda

[kimdl93]

I agree ...great observations. Never, never, never make potentially life changing decisions on impulse. Analyze, plan and prepare...then think some more. And if you reach the point where you are resolved to come out, and willing to accept the potential consequences either way, then you are ready to come out.

[Marcelle]

Well said Gale. As many know I have never been a big advocate of others trying to force people down the "outing trail" because it worked for them. There is a lot of shaming and "you are lying", "you are hurting others" in threads. Only the individual knows the extent of variables which make in right to out oneself or not. Read the stories, weight the consequences, compare them to your situation and then decide. Once Pandora's Box is opened, it won't close again.

Hugs

Isha

[Jaylyn]

Gale those are some very wise words. Folks not out yet to their SOs should heed the warnings. I am a lucky one though that has a special wife that loves me for who or what I do. I love her so much. Rhonda and Kimdi some excellent thoughts and advice also. This is a place that contains a wealth of information into the lives of CDs. Thanks for every one here.

[sweetshauna]

Good thread Gale. As one of the "lucky ones" I can say that your words are very wise indeed.

[Katy120]

This is such a good thread. It is so easy in the heat of the moment to make a rash decision that will have far-reaching consequences. I really needed to read this right now. Thanks, Gale!

[danielle swenson]

Albeit there is some good content in the op, I would be remiss not to interject.


there will be those whose SOs love them for who they are. Be happy for these lucky folk.

Actually a quite compelling statement. Which begs me to question, If the "person" you choose to have as a SO does not love you for who you are, why did you let that person become a "SO" to begin with? unless your into a life of deceit, pain and torment. Its not luck @ all its your choice to become that invested to someone.


stories of SOs who cannot accept this side of their CDer's personality

If you are dating and you come to the above realization about them, DON"T tell and for fs y continue seeing this person? I realize that being cd/tg... is not that popular. but really what is it that keeps you w someone who really isn't going to love the real you!? is it the sex? money? fear of being alone? Have some respect and integrity for yourself! why get involved with someone only to live a lie and have your house of cards crumble around a few years from now?? obviously this doesn't apply to those who are knee deep in wife and family but hey, you and only you put yourself in that position, what do they say "hindsight is 20/20".

[MatildaJ.]

There's a lot of all-or-nothing language in this thread. Isn't it possible that one could share a bit of the relevant information, without taking too great a risk?

What I would recommend is one of two approaches:

Sexual Approach

1) think about one small aspect of CDing that you would really like to share with your SO, or be able to do without fear of getting caught. Maybe that means wearing panties, or owning high heels in your size, or occasionally wearing lipstick.

2) find a moment when she is relaxed and in a good mood, and suggest talking about ways to spice up your sex life, or secret fantasies. Let her go first, if she's willing to. And be supportive, be really engaged with whatever her fantasy might be. Once she asks you to tell her your secret fantasy, mention that one aspect (from #1, above), and say that you think that could add a little taboo excitement.

3) see how she reacts, that evening, that week, that month...

If she's eager to accept it, and it becomes an occasional part of your sex life, then re-start the process: Go back to #1, think about one additional aspect you'd like to add; move on to #2, where you find out about what she would like more of, and then #3, see how she reacts to your new revelation.

If she has trouble with it, then don't push for anything else. Just focus on pleasing her, and, when she's in a good mood, occasionally bring up that one aspect again, as something that would be fun for you. Over time, a loving SO who is being satisfied in bed is likely to react positively to giving you what you want, if it's not too far a reach for her.

Non-sexual Approach

1) Like above, think about one aspect of cross-dressing that would improve your life.

2) Find a moment when she is relaxed and in a good mood. Mention that you sometimes find the restrictions around gender roles a little arbitrary and irritating. Discuss some obvious ways that they can be stupid: men being told not to display their emotions, for instance. Make it a conversation, which means listening to whatever issues come to her mind -- ways the gender roles do or don't feel comfortable to her. At some point, mention that one aspect of CDing that you would like to engage in, and then:

3) see what her reaction is, that evening, that week, that month...

[LelaK]

When dating, or predating, you can ask her what she thinks of LGBTs, then narrow it down to each one, esp. what she thinks of bi's. If she'd be open to dating bi-guys, then I suppose she may more likely also be open to dating CDers, though you wouldn't necessarily want to admit being one just yet.

Many women like to share secrets with their best friends, so, if she comes to the point where she feels you are best friends, it may then be safe to say you enjoy CDing sometimes, when the mood strikes.

[Beverley Sims]

There is a "Gale Warning" out at the moment, but what you give in your post is good advice

[Stephanie Morgan]

This is such a well worded thread with such good advice. During a period of my life when I thought I could repress my crossdressing urges, I met, fell in love with and married a woman without revealing everything about myself. A few years later, the pink fog rolled in and I had a really difficult time not dressing up and I thought long and hard about whether to tell her about stephanie. I almost told her several times, again in the midst of the pink fog, but made myself take a step back and really evaluate my possible gains vs. possible losses. I never told her about stephanie and a few years later we divorced (nothing to do with cd'ing). She is the kind of person that would have used my cd'ing against me in court had she known about it. When I met and started dating my beautiful bride, I was not caught up in the pink fog at all but thought back to all those times before. When we got serious about one another, I began to try and find out how she thought about and viewed things such as "alternative lifestyles". Found out that she was even more open minded than I thought and I then opened up and told her all about stephanie. For us, it worked and has brought us closer together.
But this was not done lightly or on the spur of the moment. Each person should, like the OP advises, evaluate ones own situation and relationship very very carefully. You cannot un-ring the bell and once you tell someone, then that information is theirs to do with as they please. While I am out to my wife and a few very close and trusted friends, I still live quite comfortably in my cozy little closet.

[ReineD]

There is no doubt that it is a thousand times better to tell a partner at the onset of the relationship than years into a marriage. People who are newly in love tend to believe that the other can do no harm. My SO could have told me that he was a cleverly disguised alien and I would not have taken to the hills screaming. :)

That said, I think the decision of whether to tell or not tell ultimately rests upon the individual needs of the CDer. If he habitually goes behind his wife's back, hides things, lies about where he has been or what he has done, if he can't wait for her to go away so that he can dress and he relishes prolonged periods when she is away, then in my opinion it is time to tell. In fact, if these situations exist and he doesn't tell his wife what is going on, he risks her imagining all sorts of things that aren't true.

There comes a time when a CDer realizes that the behaviors are no longer optional and they will be there for life. Telling about them is not rushing into any situation as long as all the homework is done beforehand. If the marriage is good and there is already open communication and trust, you'd be surprised at how many wives will be OK with it after an initial period of questioning. As Jess said in another thread, a little looseness around the gender roles is probably fine for most wives as long as it doesn't go over the line. For me, the line is transition.

[Valarie]

Very good points made, it is always important to analyze the situation. Look back on your relationship, think about conversations, and take into account the cultural/environmental background of your SO. Think about their personality; do the gossip, are they prong to judgments, are they accepting of others. Once it is out, it is out, so think before you act.

[Justine Dawn]

Thank you for that Reine. My wife has drawn the same line. She said she'd be sorry, but would not be able to stay with me if I crossed over. I respect her for that and for her honesty, and she is 90% of the reason I have decided not to.
As you said, most wives will be OK with CDing, at least to some degree. She is fine with the shaving, panties, and toenail polish (she will do mine). She is iffy about seeing me fully dressed, but we're taking it one step at a time. We're still together and happy! :)

I really appreciate your thoughts on many threads I have read. :bighug:

[MatildaJ.]

My wife...is 90% of the reason I have decided not to [transition].

If I thought my husband felt that way, I might leave anyway, just because I would hate to be keeping him from being the person he feels he needs to be.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

I'm blessed in the fact that I'm only 28 and had the internet to help me realize I was not alone in this world. Armed with that knowledge, I decided that I was not going to marry the love of my life who I dated since the age of 15 until she knew. Luckily she showed me amazing unconditional love an acceptance once I told her.

For the girls who were born before being able to go online to figure out that they are not a freak of nature, I really feel for you. It must have been hard as hell to come to the conclusion that you could make it go away and it showed up 20 yrs later. Unfortunately, I have no good advise to offer you as I've not been in your shoes.

But to all those who are not married yet, if you choose not to tell her before, I can say you're a fool. It's not fair to her who thinks she's marrying a 100% full time man and to be more selfish...it's not fair to you. No one should have to go through life hiding who they are or pretending to be someone they are not. I would have left my wife before we got married if she could not accept Kristina. Call me an asshole, selfish or whatever you want but I think that's it's impossible to love others completely if they don't love you completely and that's what being married is all about. 100% unconditional love for your spouse. So while I have no suggestions to those married, I absolutely urge anyone to tell her BEFORE you ask to marry her!

[GaleWarning]

My OP is aimed at those who are already in a relationship and who were not able to confide in their SOs before becoming committed to one another, for whatever reason.

If your SO does become aware of your crossdressing, there are only two possible outcomes. Either there will be acceptance and a continuing (if altered) relationship, or there will be a break up.

I'm happy for all those whose SOs are supportive, and an advocate of being honest and up-front before committing to a relationship. It's better and easier to deal with acceptance or rejection before laying all your eggs in the basket, so to speak.

But my original comments were aimed at a particular group of people on this forum. I am pleased that some of you found my advice to be sound. Thanks for that!

[Justine Dawn]

I hear you Jess. I doubt though that your SO would want that. No one gets everything they want in life, and there are some things that are more important than others. We are happy together. Can't ask for more than that!

[karens70]

I only recently joined this forum after lurking for quite a while and reading the "tell or not to tell" posts. For me the pink fog rolls in and out, each time at a different thickness! When the fog has been thick I seriously contemplated telling her but for every success story there was also a counter disaster story which just made the risk too great in my mind.

What I should point out is that I am no authority on this subject as in the end I had no choice in telling my wife as I was found out (long story in my intro post!), the thing that surprised me was that my wife was less bothered (in fact her view was 'if thats your thing, then great') about the dressing itself, she was more hurt by the fact that her long time husband had a personal secret that he felt he couldnt share with her. This is part she is coming to terms with but understands why it was so difficult for me, I feel good that we are going to be ok.

I remember reading a thread on here a while ago which was about "can CD'ing alone be the reason for ending a relationship", personal circumstances and beliefs etc have a massive part to play in the overall very complicated picture so there is no catch-all answer, but remember it may not be the dressing itself which is the problem, the lying may be the thing which breaks the trust and ultimately the relationship.

[Christina Kay]

Great thread, wonderful replies. One that makes you think introspectively. Heed others warnings. For me the closet got suffocating, and I am one of the lucky ones. Hugs

[Tina_gm]

Accepting and being supportive in of itself is endless in terms of its dimensions. I can say that I have an accepting and supportive wife. I really do. I can also say that she struggles with it at times, she does. She accepts that I am a crossdresser and she wants to continue to stay married to me. She supports me by giving me time to dress. Does she like it? no. Does she hate it.... probably too strong of a word there.

I believe that any committed relationship deserves honesty and openness from both parties to each other. There will always be a weakness when being open and honest is not being practiced by one or both parties. What almost eventually will happen is that what has been kept secret will one day no longer be a secret and THAT is when the hardest part of it all happens.

Of course it is understandable why a CDer does not come forward, I always had the desires, never really practiced it but wanted to. in the last year before I told my wife, I was beginning to wander into her stuff, a handful of times. The guilt of me hiding and sneaking that is what led me to tell her.

I would like to add that while yes, there will be women who simply will not accept CDing in any way shape or form and will consider it to be a deal breaker and will leave when told or discovered. What is a far bigger range of dimensions is how it is told, or that is was discovered and not told. What happens after that..... does the CDer continue to lie and sneak more CDing than they disclose or talk about etc etc. Do they respect their wives when it comes to CDing....

Yes, this site has plenty of stories of failed relationships because of the CDing... and we are only hearing one side of the story here. Not saying that in each and every one of the failed relationships is it the fault of the CDer. But it is likely that there is fault from the CDer at least some of the time which led to the break up. And I would also add caution here when reading of the success stories. Some may be a bit boastful and maybe stretching things a bit. For many who have achieved this, it likely did not happen overnight. More like months and probably years to get to a comfort level they are now at. Of those who do have that comfort level, a majority were up front early on, rather than years after. One of the things that we who did not tell have to accept is that we blew that chance at the comfort level because WE were not honest. Or that WE are going to have to take a lot longer to get to the comfort level because we were not honest. That darn honesty thing does add quite a bit to the mix here.

I do agree that caution is needed in when and how to tell if it is needed to be told. And that the expectations should not be that a wife or gf will just throw their arms around us with immediate full support and acceptance.