'The Talk' - Encouragement/Guidance Needed/Heeded

[Jaime77]

After having showered, shaved my legs, and put on my finest pair of lacy panties, I am here at Crossdressers to bare my feminine, emotional soul, as well as to seek your guidance and encouragement.

Lately, I am finding myself on the cusp of baring my CD soul to my wife, who, as best as I can guess, has no clue about this lifelong fetish of mine. On the one hand, I'm hoping that she has been picking up on subtle 'tells' I may be emitting - anything from my using some of her bath gels and/or body lotions (and perhaps their associated after scent), to some of my more contemplative moments wherein she will ask what I'm thinking about. On the other hand, I'm concerned about what an earth mover this revelation could be. Consequently, taking that step telling her what is going on in my mind has been a difficult step to take. And while lately I almost do it, presently I'm holding off as I don't want this discussion to be something that ruins the holiday for my family, and more so, my wife.

I would hope that if/when I do divulge, that she will be accepting as well as to abide by my wishes to keep it just between us, but with my wife being the 'talker' she can sometimes be, all bets are off, particularly as the dad of grown girls -- ironically this CD'er lives in a house full of women -- some of whom are still home. There are often no secrets in this house.

I dream that my discussion with her will find me in the same mode as it finds some of you: A wife willing to buy girl things for me, and for me to be able to wear them without shame in front of her; a mutual shopping trip to find sexy clothes for each other; a sexual relationship wherein we can both be the girls, and feeling her naked, smooth softness against my own; my ability to shave my body with her indulgence; for her to teach me how to apply makeup without looking like a guy in drag, and even more, for me to be able to buy (and not hide) far more female clothes and other items, rather than the panties/pantyhose/leggings which I've limited myself to purchasing to date.

This is what I desire, but my fear of being open with her, and what that outcome 'could' be has me far more concerned.

I desperately need your advice and guidance. Please help me?

[Jenniferathome]

Your "dream" scenario is just that. Very unlikely. However, you have to tell her to even discuss these things. Set your expectations much lower. Tolerance would be a great thing. Acceptance, fantastic. Participation, unlikely. Sex, more unlikely. And on that last topic, don't go there until you have had a few dozen conversations about cross dressing with your wife. She will have many questions, some she can't even articulate.

In my signature is how I came out to my wife.

[Diane Douglas]

Jaime,

I wish you the best with your journey in opening up this portion of your life to your wife. I wish I was where you want to be and that it all went smoothly, but it did not.

Before you have the talk, be sure you have most of the answers to what questions she will ask. Reading prior posts on this as well as the sticky by Marla will help to a point, but you have to be honest with both her and yourself when answering her questions. If you are not, the answers you gave her may come back and bite you.

Whatever her reaction, go slow. Don't push her or yourself when moving down this path, this is something you will need to deal with. Speak to her as you take each step forward.

Good luck,
Diane

[CarlaWestin]

".....presently I'm holding off as I don't want this discussion to be something that ruins the holiday"

So, wait until after the holiday.

"I would hope that if/when I do divulge, that she will be accepting as well as to abide by my wishes to keep it just between us, but with my wife being the 'talker' she can sometimes be, all bets are off..."

Good luck with that!

You are getting ready to slam an axe into the solid wood of your relationship and you want it to all be perfect? Imagine that! Chances are, you're not going to hear, "OK, I'm cool with that. I can't wait to dress you up! Here, let me do your makeup." Keep in mind that you've had a whole lifetime to justify your feelings.

Please read the hundreds of posts here about coming out. You may want to seek professional counseling before you embark on this.

Good luck.

[Stephanie Morgan]

Hi Jaime,

There was a thread started yesterday titled "if you can keep your head" in this section of the forum. It had a lot of really great advice. Especially from Jess, who advised to go really really slow, one piece of the puzzle at a time. Take the time to read all the responses in that thread as they were really really good ones. You never know what the outcome of telling your spouse will be but I think there are ways to gain more information before you just go blurting out this secret. Take it slow and easy.

hugs,
Stephanie

[Sandra]

Ok comment from a GG.

Don't go spoil the holiday, you've waited this long a few more so surely you can wait a bit longer. When you have the talk ask her to listen first to what you have to say, explain that it's a lot to take in and that you will answer any questions, concerns or worries that she might no make that will have. Don't leave anything out thinking oh I'll tell her that later it could cause problems. Answer her questions honestly don't say something that isn't true just because you think it is what she wants to hear. The next is to try and get her to join here and talk to other SO's and get support and know that she's not alone.

[Stephanie47]

I would not ruin the holiday spirit by unloading your deepest secrets upon her until after the New Year. I read your prior postings and noticed you've been married for over two decades. You shave your body from the waist down leaving a small patch of hair down there. I don't know if you and your wife are celibate, sleep apart, etc, but, do you really think she has not noticed her husband of two decades is shaving and using her scented lotions?? I suspect she knows more than you think.

[Beverley Sims]

I encourage you to be honest and talk with her.
You will have to weigh up the risks of that talk yourself.
There are some lessons to be learned from others on the forum that have been in the same situation.
I suggest you take time to read through some of those threads and some stickies that cover coming out to your spouse.

[Barbra P]

Hi Jamie

I’ll echo one thing that several other posters have already mentioned, wait until after the holidays as this is probably not a good time to bring this subject up. It sounds like you have been married for a number of years “as the dad of grown girls” and I’m assuming (correctly or not) that your Wife is the mother of these grown girls. The very fact that you haven’t divulged your secret tells me that you have some doubts as to how you Wife will respond when you tell her.

I’m in (was in) a similar situation, married for more than forty years with an adult daughter (and her two young girls) living at home. I had been secretly dressing since High School and my Daughters have known since they were in High school. My Wife did not react like I hoped she would, but in all honesty I guess she reacted somewhat how I expected she would. She does not encourage my dressing, seldom goes shopping with me for Barbra, but she is tolerant of me dressing around the house provided it doesn’t get excessive. For her excessive is more than once a week.

As far as sexually she made it quite clear that she is not a lesbian and she does not want to go to bed with another woman. That includes the two of us being affectionate toward one another when I’m dressed.

On the other hand my Daughter is very supportive and she has gone shopping with me for Barbra when I was dressed en femme. My Daughter has also gone with me to dinner meetings with a local TG support group; my Wife went to one meeting but has never expressed any desire to attend another meeting.

My dressing is an embarrassment to my Wife and she isn’t happy that most of our neighbors know I dress – they frequently see me out in the yard when I dress and some of the neighbor women stop and talk with Barbra. My Wife doesn’t like me going out and about so I’ve only been able to go shopping as Barbra on a few occasions. I do attend my monthly therapy session en femme sometimes and she accepts that I need to dress for my Therapist. She washes Barbra’s things and puts Barbra’s panties and bras in the same drawer as my male boxers and she hangs up my blouses in the bedroom closet.

Do I want more? Yes, I’d love to go shopping and get her opinion on clothes I think might look good on me, stroll though the mall, maybe to get something to eat in the food court or restaurant. But I don’t see this happening. I feel somewhat lucky that I get to do what I do; I read a number of posts from members living in a strictly DADT environment.

Don’t set your sights too high, don’t expect your Wife to jump in with both feet and fully support you, not at first anyway. You are contemplating dropping a huge bomb on her and it may take some time for her to digest this revelation and even longer to embrace it. But life gets a lot more pleasant if she does, even id she just tolerates your dressing and you don’t have to hide and slink around. Don’t be surprised if your grown are more accepting at first, I think being younger they may have an easier time – provided you tell them as well.

[Jaime77]

Hi Stephanie, Valid observations on your part, and in the back of my mind, I am hoping she has a clue, figuring that if she does, and because she hasn't confronted me or thrown me out already, that the discussion might go positively. That's the optimism in me. But, because we hapoen to be celibate, some of my 'tells' would go unnoticed. In my fantasy world, having this conversation might actually stimulate a new sex drive for both of us. Again, based on feedback from others, likely over-optimistic on my part...

[mary something]

you've been in the relationship for a long time, I think it's important to keep this into account. Perhaps you should explain things to her in ways that will make sense to her. People like to use lotion when their skin is dry so that it feels more comfortable, that is most likely why your wife uses lotion, not because it makes her feel like a girl. It is not a moral problem to want to do this. When someone has body hair applying lotion can be messy and uncomfortable because the hair gets all greasy and feels gross.

Perhaps you could just tell your wife that her lotion is great for skin this time of year (if that wasn't true she wouldn't buy it lol). Let her know that you've tried it and was surprised at what an excellent product it was. Ask her if you should pick up another bottle sometime because you don't want her to run out unexpectedly because of you. If you do this correctly she will think you are being considerate of her and nice, it will not ruin the holidays I promise unless you act really weird. It's really up to you here if you can do this with a straight face. After this shave whatever you want to and use the lotion whenever you want to. Just don't be weird about it!

If she buys you a bottle of MAN lotion, try it with an open mind at least once. If you like hers better simply tell her that her lotion is a better product for you, and that she is welcome to the other lotion and that you appreciate her being considerate of you. It is perfectly ok to prefer a certain brand, most people do and they don't have to justify why. If she questions you why you must use her lotion tell her that it is because she is really good at picking lotion and that you like it, that's all. If she complains about the smell tell her that while you were concerned about that you hope she won't mind terribly because that is really the lotion that you want to use for your skin. Ask her why it has to be a big deal and simply ask if you can agree to disagree. Just say that the smell doesn't bother you the way it does her and you don't consider it a big deal and hopes that she won't either. JUST DON"T BE WEIRD!

Even if she acts like it is a big deal she won't have a leg to stand on in this argument if implemented correctly. I strongly feel that people can use the skin care products that THEY choose to without being punished for it. I think she will come around with time even if she doesn't agree to this at first.

If she freaks out then it is because you say something that she can't wrap her head around. Be loving and make this easy for her without stress.

If she asks you why you shaved your body DON'T tell her it's because you're a girl like she is, it might be difficult for her to wrap her head around because to her lotion is for dry skin not changing who you are. Women simply do not understand this concept that comes so natural to crossdressers and unless you are the woman whisperer perhaps it's best to just stick to the facts here. Simply say that having body hair makes lotion feel gross and you hate the feeling. You are allowed to have body hair or not if you choose, if your wife objects to this tell her that you won't tell her how to manage her hair if she doesn't do the same to you.

The result is that you will have smooth girly skin that smells great and your wife can get used to you feeling smooth and smelling nice without freaking out and ruining the holidays for everyone.

Keep all the crossdressing fantasies and girlie stuff out of it. Pick specific behaviors that would make you feel better such as shaving and lotion. If asked why the only reason you have to give to ANYONE is the YOU like it, anything more than that could cause problems.

After a while of having smooth skin and girly lotion she will consider it normal, believe it or not. Being able to express yourself a little bit like that will probably help with the other more fantasy based stuff also and be better for your relationship. Just remember that it's about the fact that you can have smooth, hydrated healthy skin that smells nice without getting divorced, I really think you deserve that.

I really think you can make this work for you if you use the right game plan. Let me know how this works for you and later I really think we can even get you into some panties at times without losing your family but you gotta be patient.

[Jaime77]

Hi Jennifer, thanks for your feedback, and after having read your coming out story, that is EXACTLY how I'd want it to go for me. I envy you.

[Karren H]

Personally I would plan for the worst when you tell her and if she doesn't kill you.... divorce you.... tell everyone you know.... take all your money... and get you fired... then you win!

[Jaime77]

Hi Mary, Thanks for those suggestions. Ironically, just last year, I had a minor vein procedure done on both legs, and even though the doctor didn't say I had to, because of my desire to do so, I actually shaved both legs in prep (one leg was done each time, so I did it twice last winter), telling my wife that he said I needed to shave the leg being worked, but that I shaved both so it wouldn't look odd. At that time, she had jokingly brushed her own legs against mine, and commented about how soft I was, whereupon I did comment that had I known it felt so good, I would have done it years ago. Of course over the summer, it did grow back, and I figured with the onset of winter to have a go at it again, figuring that once she noticed, I could comment about that previous experience and how nice it had felt. However, I do feel somewhat deceitful not having mentioning it to her that I've shaved them again.

[wanabe-Leona]

Jaime you put my thoughts into words I'm new here too and seeking the same advice and guidance. With the same desires I am not the one to give any good advice but I know that we are in the right place to get it.
That being said Jennifer I went back to your comming out post (WOW!). I know that it was not easy but it reads as if it was.
I am comming to realise that the biggest hurdle I have to jump first is faceing facts in my own mind (I'm not realy QUEER for wanting to to do this, fealing good, relaxed, or right when I do). Now to build up the courage to tell the wife but I know some of her fealings towards cders, she has a fue at work and has not had any good words to say about them not sure if they are cd or tg (no difference) still (NO GOOD WORDS). So where do I go from that I'm not sure? At first thanking I was lying just to her but now realizing I've been lying to myself first for years this (I KNOW NOW) . Not a good fealing, I don't like it! Yes I know that dreams don't allways come true!
My rambling is over for now!
So lets open up our ears, eyes, and minds and take in the advice we get!

[steeve]

I under dressed from around age 8 , at age 13 I fully dressed in the privacy of my bedroom, i was still living at home then in the late 1970's,in 1984 i met a girl,now my wife, I was 21 ,I took it slow , run my issue by her,no probs from her,she seemed to 'like it' but i took it slow,very slow,a little at a time,now after all these years it turns out that she would have fully accepted me in that form,from day one, I think my advice to you is take it slow, and respect her opinions and thoughts, talk to each other , which ive done,.

[mary something]

yes Jaime I really think we can make this work for you. I think you have the right to choose your own skin and hair care and the products you use on them without losing your family or getting divorced, perhaps I am wrong but I really don't think so.

Your wife will actually like what happens with your skin, IF YOU LET HER. If you act weird she won't like it because she will think you're kinda crazy and that obviously you can't handle body lotion without going off the deep end. Remember, you can do this and it will work if done like a sane person (from her perspective)

[MatildaJ.]

There was a thread started yesterday titled "if you can keep your head" in this section of the forum. It had a lot of really great advice. Especially from Jess, who advised to go really really slow, one piece of the puzzle at a time.

Thanks for the kind words, Stephanie! Here's a link to that post:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?205487-If-you-can-keep-your-head&p=3370256&highlight=#post3370256

Jaime, you say the two of you are celibate, so you should probably skip the Sexual Approach. I know part of you hopes that telling her might re-start your sex life, but the odds of that happening are just about zero. Even if she already identified as bisexual or lesbian, most lesbians are not attracted to transwomen or crossdressers.

You could try the non-sexual approach, talking about our society's weird rules for each gender. But actually I think Mary is right to advise you to just talk about the lotion and shaving your legs -- for now. Mary is exactly right when she says that everyone gets to pick their own body products, and your wife is likely to recognize that.

Then wait six months, and bring up another issue.

Throwing the whole crossdressing package at her all at once, when you've had decades to come to terms with the idea -- that just seems like asking for heartbreak. Please don't blow up your marriage without really considering if that's what you want to do.

On a different subject:


the biggest hurdle I have to jump first is facing facts in my own mind (I'm not really QUEER for wanting to do this!)

You're right. There are many crossdressers who are attracted only to women.

But when I see someone placing the emphasis on not being gay, as if that were the worst thing in the world, it makes me want to tell them to really consider that it's okay to be gay. It's not the end of the world. And many men who have gender-issues do eventually find that they prefer sex with men. That's really okay.

[wanabe-Leona]

When I said QUEER I did not mean it in the gay spectrum more in society, we were brought up to think that cding was not right. (No you are not to feal like you want to do that its not right.) Society has changed so over the years more acepting now. No there is not a thing wrong with being gay it is ok for some but not my thing.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[AllieSF]

I like Karren's answer because having the wrong hopes going into a difficult conversation can really have disastrous results, plus, if you noticed, Karren never said to tell her or not. That is your decision to take. Most of here agree that telling is the best and right thing to do. However, only you know the details of your situation, and even with that being said, you only really know your side and can only guess how your spouse may react.

I really like Jess's reply (she has so many good and practical/common sense ones), which comes from the GG spouse of a CD. The part of building up to the big reveal is an interesting alternative to the full blown confession, which I believe a lot of the times may be just way too much information way too quickly. How and over how long you do it over time is up to you. Having the full and honest review eventually should be your goal. Good luck.

[vallerie lacy]

I couldn't possibly add anything new to this discussion, other than to tell you that the Girlyhood of Crossdressers is pulling for you. Take your time and we all wish you the best.

[Valarie]

Jamie like all the girls here have stated, communication is the best way to handle this, also take it step by step. In my case my wife had told me that seeing me so emotional, (I broke down and was in tears when I told her) convinced her that it has been something that has weighed down on me. I explained to her that I had felt this way at a young age, and that I felt like I was hurting our marriage by not telling her. We spent a lot of time talking about it. I have sexual fantasies as well, but my wife is very sexually open, and is attracted to women so it turns out she is more sexually interested in me dressing than I am. Everyone is different, think back on conversation you two have had; is she more liberal minded, does she have a problem with LGBTQ people. For my wife I explained, I am not gay, (I wouldn't kick Benidict Cumberbatch out of our bed though) she even reached out to a gay friend a week after I told her, he confirmed to her that most men are not, that is what she was worried about that I would leave her.

For everything that we are going through, they have just as many questions. Don't push this on her, be sincere and let her know that this is how you feel, and it does not make you any less of her husband. Like my said to me, "there are far stranger things that I could have been into than wearing panties and lipstick."

Remember, we are here for you too, while I have a supportive wife, there are things that I need help with and I get it from here.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Ok comment from a GG.

Don't go spoil the holiday, you've waited this long a few more so surely you can wait a bit longer. When you have the talk ask her to listen first to what you have to say, explain that it's a lot to take in and that you will answer any questions, concerns or worries that she might no make that will have. Don't leave anything out thinking oh I'll tell her that later it could cause problems. Answer her questions honestly don't say something that isn't true just because you think it is what she wants to hear. The next is to try and get her to join here and talk to other SO's and get support and know that she's not alone.Very good advice here. The other thing that often comes up, and should be addressed in your initial conversation, the issue of trust and betrayal. It is important to get across that you have been struggling with this your whole life, and when you got married you thought it would go away. (assuming this is true, it is for a lot of CDs) That you've only recently been able to come to terms with the idea that it is more common than most people realise, and that it is not wrong, just different. Put this in your own words, if this true for you.
But, because we hapoen to be celibate, some of my 'tells' would go unnoticed. In my fantasy world, having this conversation might actually stimulate a new sex drive for both of us. Again, based on feedback from others, likely over-optimistic on my part...Hmmm... this indicates that there is something more going on with you other than just wanting to dress. i think you should spend a little more time figuring out exactly what you are after. If you are celibate because of lack of attractiveness in your wife, (to you) that there is a veritable minefield when you trying to pretty yourself up.

[ReineD]

I'm with Sandra on this. I think you should be honest from the start and be prepared to answer all her questions. If I didn't know about my SO and he started to want to use feminine smelling lotions and shampoos, this would raise flags big time for me.

I did experience the step by step approach with my SO and I HATED that. It seemed that every time I turned around, there was something new: from lower leg shaving once in a while to full leg, chest, and back shaving all the time, pierced ears, died and styled hair, laser beard removal, exponential wardrobe growth, makeovers, photoshoots, femme pages on social sites, meeting others while dressed without me, etc. It reached a point where I didn't know where it would end and it caused all sorts of problems with us. I'd rather the band-aid be taken off quickly and have it done with than pull on it bit by bit, while it painfully yanks the hairs out of my arm one by one. lol

It's all OK now, but I would much rather have known from the onset where this was leading than bit by bit and sometimes after the fact. I didn't feel manipulated, really, since my SO is the utmost private type and we do not live together. But I can see how a wife might feel manipulated if her husband withholds information only to bring things out bit by bit. She is apt to begin to believe what else you might be hiding from her, such as a secret desire to be with men.

This doesn't mean that you should tell your wife that you are a woman and you don't know if you will ever want to transition or not. Jennifer's approach is a good one.

Also, I agree to wait until early next year. No sense having this hang over you during the Holidays.

[MatildaJ.]

I did experience the step by step approach with my SO and I HATED that. It seemed that every time I turned around, there was something new...I'd rather the band-aid be taken off quickly and have it done with than pull on it bit by bit.

But you didn't experience the quick reveal, and neither did I. You don't know how bad that pain would have been.

I had a year to get used to panties, and then pegging, and then the trickle turned into a flood, of makeup and outfits and forms, and going out in public. And now he is interested in sex with men.

If mine had not said: "honey, I like you in sexy panties, and I'd like to try wearing some myself", but had said, on Day 1, "honey, I'm a crossdresser. That means I'm going to start buying complete women's outfits and forms, and I'm going to need quite a bit of new closet space, and I'm going to go out dressed in public, and by the way I'm interested in experimenting with men"... Well, I probably would have moved out of the house that day instead of educating myself and sticking around.


She is apt to begin to believe what else you might be hiding from her, such as a secret desire to be with men.

Some of them do end up there. Mine has. Doesn't mean I could have handled hearing that in the beginning.

The folks on this board asking this question -- they're accomplished liars already. I think they're better off pretending that they're just figuring it out bit by bit, rather than taking everything they've ever fantasized about and dumping it in her lap all at once, including the expectation that she will love the new woman in her life and they'll be BFFs and lesbian lovers all in one.

[PaulaQ]

But you didn't experience the quick reveal, and neither did I. You don't know how bad that pain would have been.


My wife did. She went from wanting to see nothing - to seeing me fully dressed and made up. She asked to see it - she was sure she was ready. I was pretty sure she wasn't. Her therapist said "OK", I guess. But she called me on the way back from him, and told me "I'm ready to meet Paula."

She saw me, I spent the evening with her on the couch en femme. A first.

She barely touched me after that - and only if I was presenting as male, and she was pretty drunk and really needy. Six weeks later, she threw me out.

I'm a big fan of the gradual approach now.

[ReineD]

But you didn't experience the quick reveal, and neither did I. You don't know how bad that pain would have been.

My SO did tell me before I asked to meet her. I'm not advocating jumping out of the closet fully dressed at the first reveal. And thankfully my SO is not interested in men (this was resolved years before we met). It would definitely cross a line for me if he were to pine for experimentation. As it would if he had an interest in other women.

I just think it is deceitful for a CDer who knows that he wants to shave, buy more clothes, get breast forms, a wig, become adept with makeup, etc with the idea of eventually going out to a support group or shopping for example, to let on he is only interested in wearing panties or taking a bubble bath.

[PaulaQ]

I just think it is deceitful for a CDer who knows that he wants to shave, buy more clothes, get breast forms, a wig, become adept with makeup, etc with the idea of eventually going out to a support group or shopping for example, to let on he is only interested in wearing panties or taking a bubble bath.

For most of us, this is a gradual process - we take little steps, and it goes further and further. I think it is fairly unusual for a new CD to know "I want to go out en femme." Most of us are scared as hell of that step, and can't imagine it. I couldn't - and look at me now.

[mykell]

jamie,
welcome to the real world,
im also new here, and read about all who pass share with their SOs and so forth.
i came to the decision to tell after the holidays myself as to not add to the stress of holiday functions and such,
i will be a gut wrenching discussion to bare my soul and have her not have my back,
i too would like to keep it private, but i assume the family knows i always get backhanded comments at family functions after some have to many adult beverages.
always would deny purge, deny again, purge again, and so forth, and with the passing of my dad this august her just finding mikells things is not how i want her to remember me,( he was gay, he cheated on me, what did i do to deserve this , WTF) itwould not be fair...
so telling her was always something on the back burner, Ive got this licked, and with months turning to years and years Turing to decades it has a stigma of deceit,
i love her with all my heart and hope that my talk turns out with desired results...
i will be using Jennifers blueprint when my time comes...

hopefully we will have a positive valentines next year.. good luck whatever you decide.

[Madeline80]

Keeping secrets and thinking you are getting away with it seems to be a recurring theme here. I'm not being critical and I have learned from my many failed relationships. If either half is afraid to talk to the other about anything or one is so oblivious to the other that the signs go unnoticed, some time should be spent on reconnecting, communicating, and strengthening the relationship first.

[Di]

Another GG here....wait till after the holidays:D
Then sit her down when you have time alone.....then her you need to tell her something that needs to stay between you two. AND explain it all...you were ashamed, scared to tell her but it is a part of you and something you have done from an early age.
DO NOT LIE TELL HER THE TRUTH TO ALL HER QUESTIONS AND NO NOT!!!!!! BRING UP A LITTLE BIT AT A TIME. Most GGs I have worked with here and support groups I am involved with....most feel betrayed and lied to and if you just bring out little bits at a time that feeling never goes away.
Be honest with your truth....and also important DO NOT GO CRAZY with this being off your chest and think everything is full steam ahead. Let her get her bearings ....you had multi years to come to terms and she will prob need time to realize and understand....nothing has changed except now she knows it all.

[Jaime77]

Certainly a LOT of valuable input here from all you girls, and a special thank you from you GG girlfriends for offering the true female perspective. The points made about me having had a lifetime to deal with an issue my wife will be absorbing spur of the moment and all at once, are very much appreciated. While I'm hoping for acceptance from her, I also recognize from your thoughts that may be unlikely. I envy those of you whose wives have accepted your CDing and fervently hope for my own to accept mine. I pray that she has already been picking up on my CD subtleties that may make this easier for both of us.

[Tina_gm]

Probably a good idea to not tell her till after the holiday. I was planning on telling after... and was beginning to leave the "clues" (which I now believe is generally not a good idea btw) and somehow the convo just started to roll out. about 10 days before Christmas last year.

What I can say as for advice is merely to be prepared for a lot of emotions from her. It is likely to be a roller coaster for her for a while. By not telling her beforehand, you are the cause of this, so now you will have to ride that roller coaster for a while, most likely.

Try not to make it a negative, but, an apology for not coming forward early on will be in your best interest. That in itself is likely to be as hard for her as the CDing itself, maybe the hardest part of it all. With my wife, it is as hard as the CDing is. It caused a rift in the trust she had in me. One that is still under repair to this day.

Getting back to why I think it is not a good idea to leave clues.... She has either noticed and has an idea, or will make any excuse other than to what it can only appear to be. As we as Cders have lived through a lot of denial, so can they. Just as our own acceptance to it has taken years in many cases, please be patient with your wife as the acceptance process is typically a very slow one.

While conversation and communication is vital, she may need to go slow on that alone. Talk about it when she feels up to it, and end the conversations when she has had enough. She may not tell you directly that she has, but if you are sensing it, it is likely to be the case.

I believe that she should not be verbally abusive because of this, no one deserves that.... but.... in the very beginning, there may likely be some "tough" moments. Be prepared to forgive her for some tough moments. You do not have to put up with verbal abuse, just know that in the beginning, it can be quite bumpy. Acceptance is different for each person. She may accept some aspects and not others. And the acceptance is likely to come in and out like the tide at 1st. Part of the roller coaster you are likely to be on for some time. Hopefully, you will be able to continue your marriage and be and stay happy. A lot of this will depend on you. A lot of respect and compromise will be needed, especially in the beginning. Good luck.