Despondent

[Valerie Louise]

I have no one else to discuss this with, so you gals are stuck with it.
A couple of years ago my desire to dress came back with a vengeance and I really went for it. I've got a full closet and really enjoyed going to thrift shops to fill it. Lost a ton of weight and plucked, shaved, epilated, shaped, yoga'd and exercised myself to a frenzy to get to the best I could be. Size 10 down from an 18. I used to dress as much as twice a week.
Still in the closet, have not told the wife, don't go out. I look OK, and might pass at 50 feet. Worked on the walk a lot.
I have not dressed in six months. I'll occasionally don the heels, and sometimes the bra, but there is no question that the desire is way down. Have not been to this forum in months.
What the heck? For years I saw this as an anchor I carried around - and just when I accept it and get going - Rikki leaves me. I really feel like I've lost something - for certain, the joy of dressing.
Do I just wait for her to return? Rhetorical question, no answer required. I think it is a given it will come back. It always does, but this time I do not like being self deprived of "the hobby".
I think the real problem is the fear of being caught, and the responsibility for the consequences weighing on me. This leads to no longer seeing a future where I could dress without fear - which shuts me down. This is just homespun psych, maybe whatever brain chemicals that drive this in the first place come and go.
Ah well, there you are. Have at me.

[GaleWarning]

Rikki, I have not been able to dress for over a year now, due to my living circumstances.
No matter. Life is for living, so enjoy it, however you are dressed.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Rikki, your femininity never leaves. It will come back & hug you like a long last friend. Enjoy the feeling!

[Cynthia Anne]

WOW! I don't know how you kept a closet full hidden from your wife! Looks like she'd be wondering what's going on with all the weight loss and the shaving and so on!
One thing for sure it will come back and it sounds like you will be ready for it! Enjoy it when it does!

[Beverley Sims]

Every time dressing goes into hiatus, there is usually some other interest that has taken center stage.
It always comes back and I preach to the un initiated "don't purge".
In your case I think you need to practice for the "Big Reveal".

I wish you luck in your quest and if successful, the world is your oyster.
Even partially life will be a lot better.

[Tallulah Rose]

A lot of us have been through this many times. Sometimes I would get dressed and think that I wasn't enjoying it as much as I used to. Then I worked out that I was feeling guilty and constantly thinking 'my friends aren't like this, why am I?'. I worked on the acceptance and these days I wouldn't want to be denied the pleasure of my dressing sessions.

The interest always comes back. Once you work out how to accept and enjoy your activities, the pleasure increases.

[Debra Russell]

You were lucky the urge died off for a while - mine never leaves and it's been two years since I have had any time of more than a hour +- to show my femininity ---- that sucks.....and the urge always comes back.............................Debra

[Nadine Spirit]

The more I have allowed myself to dress, the less this insistent "have to" feeling I have. Now I dress because I want to, not because I feel I have to.

[PatChick]

Rikki.... I have the perfect solution. Send me all of your best items. Maybe Rikki will miss them so much that she will return to you. Of course I will do this for you free of charge!

[Nikki A.]

I think we all go through these stages. When my kids were both in college I could dress at home and even go out when the mood struck me. Now that my son is living at home (gainfully employed and paying rent LOL), my freedom has been curtailled a bit although I still do get out as Nikki, just a little more planning.
Even though I don't dress as often I also don't miss it as much as when I had free rein and when I do get out there isn't the same thrill. I still do enjoy dressing, but I do feel more comfortable with myself dressed than before.
Basically what I'm saying is don't worry Rikki is still in and you will experience her again.

[dsmth]

It sounds to me that you're guilt is overriding your desire and as a result you can't be sure what you want. I think it is natural to fear to let oneself be happy. Because there are consequences and even obligations(?) like telling your wife. But then fear again that she might not accept... I circular loop of frustration, no doubt!

[Shari]

Sounds to me like the risks outweigh the reward, at least that's what you're allowing to happen.
When you can't have the fun and enjoyment you used to, it's time to do exactly what you've done and give it a rest for awhile.
Don't stress over it. Rikki will be tapping you on the shoulder before you know it.

[sweetshauna]

Oh! She WILL be back. LOL

[Valerie Louise]

OK, thanks for the words folks. To those who want my stuff, forget it. I used to purge -- probably did it ten times. I swore I'd never do it again. Going on a trip soon for business ... maybe take some stuff with me ... Happy Holidays to all of you.

[Tracii G]

I am like Nadine I dress because I want to and not because I need to.
I hope you find a solution.

[Jannis]

I have also gone long periods when Jannis does not come out today dress up. During those times, however, I constantly think about my gender identity and try to do other things to make me feel I am moving forward towards my true persona. I think about this 24/7 as I know sometime very soon I will be out of the closet and I am preparing for that time. Keep living, dreaming and feeling like the person you wish to become.

[docrobbysherry]

Rikki, no 2 of us r exactly the same. However, I may have felt the way u do.

I had been able to dress safely for 15 years. As I started after my ex and I separated. I knew in advance when my 2 girls would be over and when I'd have complete privacy. Then, about a year ago, my college age daughter moved in with me full time. Creating uncertainty and some close, "daughter meets Sherry. Eeeek!", shaves. I was beginning to fear and regret dressing. The sneaking around and white lies were stressing me out. Just the opposite of how dressing made me feel before.

I told her early this year to prevent the inevitable. Altho we r in an unpleasant DADT arrangement, I can dress without worry of being "caught". And, that has made it more stress free and enjoyable for me again!