Terrified to go out dressed. Need advice

[Wanna be Heather]

Hi

I am at a point in Heather's life to make the leap to go out dressed. I am lucky to have a very supportive and very open minded wife. For sometimes, we both have been shopping for Heather, wig, blouses, skirts, panty hoses, etc.... She even offered my some of her clothes and jewelry.

Next Friday I booked a body waxing session and on Sat we plan to go to a place to do my make up, then dinner then off to a CD club. I am looking forward, but terrified by how I will look and how others will react especially at the resturant.

Your advice will really help me. Also, any tips to avoid embarrassing myself and my wife?

:Pray:

Kisses
Heather

[Kristina_nolagirl]

Good for you! Taking the first step out the door is hard as hell, but I can promise you the feeling is amazing. My best advice is to not worry what others think. Do your best to blend in as a normal girl by wearing the same things you'll find real women wearing in the same place, but don't concern yourself what others think. 90% of people won't notice you, and of the other 10%, half will smile and think its sweet and the other half may have a little laugh at your expense but I've never come across anyone that had anything but nice things to say to my face. I think it takes a rare asshole to say something negative or purposely laugh at you.

Also, I don't believe me and my wife would have made it out of our hotel room without a few glasses of wine. That's up to you, but it deff. helped us.

And the most important thing is to go out of your way to show your wife how much you appreciate her for taking this step with you. It takes a brave, loving woman to do that! Maybe bring home some flowerers unannounced or do something extra special to show your love!

[Wanna be Heather]

Thanks Kristina. Your words are comforting. Definitely few drinks are a must.

xxx

[Roli F]

IMHO see if there is a venue within driving distance that regularly hold nights for people from our world to hang out safely and use that as your first outing try not get tipsy as falling off those heels can be a pain then try a large mall together especially early doors for a shopping trip for those small accessories
have fun its not that bad i have been out all day enfemme in flats jeans tidy jumper and my trusty blue bob wig and lippy had a great day did some shopping and a couple of errands it just gets better the more we get out

[Nadine Spirit]

Do something fun! I always enjoyed going out to eat, or a museum, or a movie. Those were always my faves when I was first out and about.

Other than that, are you experienced in waxing? Personally I do it at home with a professional kit & supplies and have been doing it for several years now, and I would never get waxed and go out on the same day. I always have some red bumps/spots when finished that I generally have to give 2-3 days for them to subside before showing off the hairless portions of my bod. But maybe that is just me. If you know what you are doing, then by all means go for it.

Oh and lastly, when my wife and first started going out with me dressed, I was always kind of shocked by everyone referencing us as "ladies." Which we are, it was still a bit shocking to hear it and I would always kind of hesitate at responding.

[Barbra P]

Hi Heather

I’ve always liked the name Heather, very feminine sounding. Well it sounds like your makeup should be fine so that is one thing you don’t have to worry about. As Kristina pointed out you want to wear clothes that blend in with what the other women will be wearing, I’s suggest that you take a clue from your wife and wear something similar so that you blend in with her; two women sitting together that are similarly dressed don’t attract much attention; unless you are knockout gorgeous. In which case the attention just enjoy the looks of admiration.

You don’t mention where this is taking place, whether you’re in a conservative local or one that is fairly liberal. I’d venture a guess that the biggest hurdle you’ll face is using the Women’s Room. If you need to use the Women’s Room is there a chance that your Wife will accompany you and give you some moral support? Either way the trick is to just walk in like you belong, go into one of the stalls, do your thing, and wash your hands and leave. I wouldn’t linger touching up your makeup unless you feel absolutely comfortable being in the Woman’s Room. Remember that drinking wine, beer, or a cocktail will in all likelihood increase the chance that you will need to use the Women’s Room.

This month during my therapy session (I went en femme) I mentioned to Kelly, my Therapist, that the single unisex bathroom on the third floor was frequently occupied. She said that wasn’t a problem I should just use the Women’s Room as I had as much right in there as any other woman in the building. When my session was over sure enough the unisex rest room was occupied so I took Kelly’s advice and walked to the other end of the building and used the Women’s Room, even touched up my makeup while I was there. As it turned out I was alone the whole time but I didn’t really care if another woman came in or not. I’ll admit to a little apprehension at first but once in the Women’s Room that disappeared and I felt like I belonged. When I walked out a man sitting in the adjacent waiting area took notice but I didn’t care.

Carry a compact and some lipstick in your purse. Practice taking your compact and lipstick out of your purse and touching up your makeup before you go out. Maybe have your Wife demonstrate the technique for you so that when you do it you look like this is something you do all the time. Women tend to hold the compact and top to their lipstick in one hand while applying lipstick and powdering their nose with the other. It looks very feminine and it will help with blending in.

It’s perfectly normal to be terrified when you first step out, but once you have been out for a little while and you notice that literally no one is paying any attention to you the nervousness should go away and then the fun begins – you are just another woman having an enjoyable evening with one of your girlfriends and you’ll have a ball being the woman you have longed to be. As Nadine mentioned, the first few times you are addressed as "Ma’am" or "ladies" when you are with another woman it comes as a bit of a surprise – don’t smile too much, just enjoy the moment.

[Lexi_83]

I usually have a couple of shots of Schnapps. It smells nice, doesn't make you pee, and gets you relaxed without being out of it.

[PatMatoole]

Absolutely need to have a few before going out.
I try to think that in my stage of life, I really don't care what anyone thinks of me.
BUT when it comes down to it, i am really self concious and really need the drinks

[Jenniferathome]

This seems overly simple, but just suck it up and step out. Once you a re out, you won't worry. It's an amazing transition. My first time out in the public was with two other cross dressers from this forum. Once out, I didn't even think about it. By the way, you don;t need to go to a CD bar or anything like that. Go mainstream, no one really cares.

[Marcelle]

Hi Heather,

Congrats on your decision to go out. It is not easy and can be a bit overwhelming. The advice given is sound . . . act like you belong and don't look nervous (I know easier said than done). I found that once I just accepted being out and looked around nobody really noticed or paid me much attention. I got a few stares but most were out of curiosity, so no pitchforks or torches. Blending is best so please do wear something that women going to such a place would wear. The other thing that will help is walk and mannerisms, the more spot on these things are the better you will blend. I spent a lot of mall time watching women (not in that creepy way) to see how they moved, how they carried a purse, walked, and gestured. Even something as simple as holding a wine glass can help you blend a bit better.

In the end, just take a deep breath and go in. From my experience, your first reaction will be to flee but don't, walk in like you belong. My biggest concern was when I noticed someone looking in my direction and then started talking to others, I naturally assumed they were talking about me. Who knows, perhaps they were but then again they could have just been looking in my direction and nothing else. Remember you are not doing anything illegal and if you were dressed like a guy you would not have an issue. You are still you, just dressed differently.

Above all else . . . enjoy the night with your lovely wife. She is there to support you and that will make things easier and that much more special.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

If your wife is comfortable with going out with you, that's a pretty good basis for confidence. You are feeling stage fright. There is only one cure....get out on the stage and face your fears.

But the way, being embarrassed is seldom fatal.

[RenneB]

For some of us the first step is a drive at night and back to the garage. A bazillion trips later, I'd actually get out of the car. Then I started trips to the cemetery during the day. Felt great to have the wind on my legs. Then a few trips to empty cul-de-sacs, then a vacant store front. Then walmart, then.... well after the butterflies left, I'm just a lil ol lady (nicely dressed I might add) out doing errands.

First step out to a place to eat may be a bit much. It took me many a daywalker trip to get up that nerve. However, looking back I never should have sweated it.

To ease your brain through this task, tell it that you are fresh from a play where you had to play a girl. Or here's another one, you're just back from a crazy work party of opposite dressing. Worked for my brain and I was out and about....

Hope this helps....

Renne.....

[Lainie]

I understand your concern. It really is scary. Plan for a friendly venue, where you can expect to encounter no one you're scared to meet. A little wine is fine, but don't drink & drive.

But really, you aren't a threat to national security. Very likely no one will bat an eye, and almost everyone you meet will enjoy the experience. I've gone out in many settings fully en femme with a prominent handlebar mustache. I look like a fool, I'm sure, but I just smile & everyone smiles back. You don't have to worry about passing, or embarrassing yourself. If you're having fun, very few will begrudge you. I've gone to boutiques, malls, restaurants, bars, art galleries... in Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Boston, The Hague, surely a few other places I forget at the moment. I get compliments on my shoes when I'm wearing a skirt, and on my mustache--which really is unusually good compared to the American standard--no matter what I'm wearing.

Very rarely I encounter someone who seems uncomfortable. For every one of those, there are 100 who are sympathetic.

"Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think, ..."

[Anne2345]

Here's a little secret about folk that I learned only through experience and by going about - nobody cares. Nobody, that is, except you.

The first time is hard. Going out that first time was actually one of the single hardest things I have done, and I will never forget a detail about it. But I survived. The funny thing about it, though, is that the moon did not come crashing into the world, the seas did not rise up and swallow all of the lands, nor did the universe spontaneously blink out of existence. And once I calmed down and stopped hyperventilating (lol), I slowly began to recognize this truth for what it really is.

That's not to say there are not the occasional douchebag jackholes out there, because there are. But as long as you are in a reasonably safe environment, who the hell cares in the end? No one. So it's all cool.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Isha is right. Just suck it up. My first time out was at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. There must have been thousands of people there. To make it harder, I had decided to rent a wench costume at the rental shop. And I was out alone; I didn't have the protection of my wife or another GG.

99.9% of the people didn't even give me a second glance. I did get affirmation from a number of women, and almost had to defend myself against a drunk dude, but his male and femalw friends dragged him away.

[Stephanie Lynne]

Hi, Heather!
Congrats on taking this step. I agree with the other girls. The first few times are very nerve racking and scary. A few drinks help and in the end, it is only us that make it hard. Take a breath and go for it. Almost everyone you encounter are too busy in their own world. Having your wife with you will truly help, especially when it's time for restroom. The more you go out, the more confident you become and less caring about what others think. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. It feels wonderful.
Hugs,
Stephanie Lynne

[Michellegryl]

Hi Heather, Congrats on taking this big step. I completely understand being a bit terrified to take that first step out. In reality though their really is no need to feel terror or any other emotion other than Joy for being out with your amazing wife who accepts you for who you are. There is a lot of good advise and experience here in the other posts, and like many have said most people really do not care and will not even notice you, unless you are dressed to the nines trying to draw attention to yourself.

The one thing I would add to the very thorough advise already given, is to #1 Smile and hold your head up. A simple smile is very powerful and shows that you are happy and confident in who you are. If your facial expressions show the fear and uncertainty you may be feeling, people will sense that and it actually draws their attention to you. Everyone likes a nice smile and you will be amazed at how many people will just smile right back at you with approval. This advise was given to me by my wife before my first solo night out and it proved to be very sound advise. On my first night out I was meeting friends at a hotel lounge where I had to walk through the very crowded front lobby and lounge to find my friends. Keeping a smile on my face not only gave me confidence but it seemed to put others at ease too. That was many years and many outings ago and for me it is still one of the most important things to do when ever I am out.

[Lynn Marie]

Your wife being there will "validate" you as girlfriends. If your makeover is any good at all, you should look glorious. Now, the most important thing. Wherever you go, and whatever you do, OWN the place. Your confidence is everything. Just simply "act" as if what you are doing is perfectly natural and you are what everyone else would love to be! I was able to do exactly that my first time out and it works very well indeed. Now I can go absolutely anywhere whether I "pass" or not and feel perfectly comfortable and at ease. I attract more attention from the ladies than I ever did in boy mode! LOL

[Suzanne F]

Heather
I am so excited for you. It was the best thing I ever did for myself! I felt like I finally could breathe. It will be scary but if you were meant to do it the experience will be priceless. If not you will know it is not for you and move on. Smile and breathe!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Tracii G]

Go anywhere you want and "own it" as Lynn says.
The fact your wife is going with you is as good as it can get trust me. You will just be looked at as two ladies out enjoying a nice evening together.
Smile and be courteous and you will be just fine.Nobody is going to pay any attention to you other than to notice two ladies.
There are no tranny police out there to get you.LOL
Can't wait to hear how your night went!! :)

[donnalee]

Go anywhere you want and "own it" as Lynn says.
The fact your wife is going with you is as good as it can get trust me. You will just be looked at as two ladies out enjoying a nice evening together.
Smile and be courteous and you will be just fine.Nobody is going to pay any attention to you other than to notice two ladies.
There are no tranny police out there to get you.LOL
Can't wait to hear how your night went!! :)Just got an image of 2 guys in old fashioned policewoman's outfits - blue serge with skirts waving billy clubs while chasing someone on foot. Gave me a chuckle or 2. Was out last night for a few minutes - it's very cold here, but I had to get my taxes in the mail and didn't feel like changing clothes just to run a small, but important errand.

[Adriana Moretti]

a few drinks... you will be fine....once you get past the first time you will realize it is NOT that big of a deal as people make it out to be...just another hurdle like buying clothes & makeup in public...do it once...next time is not so scary

[Helen_Highwater]

I would suggest having done your makeup, go out and do a bit of window shopping, just walk around somewhere were there are folks about like two GG's would. You'll soon begin to feel far more comfortable. This only need to be 20-30 minutes but it will calm your nerves. This will give you the confidence to step into the restaurant and not think everyone is looking at YOU.

I would say lay off the drink. If you want to do this then do it like a GG would. They don't need a drink just to go outside so do as the others have said and just own your space.

Oh and one last thing; remember, don't be the perfect gentleman and hold the door or your wife's chair when she sits at the table. Bit of a giveaway!

[linda allen]

I don't think drinking alcohol to get up the courage to go out is good advice. People tend to make bad decisions when under the influence of alcohol.

I think going out of your own town would be a good idea. Even if your presentation hides your identity when alone, your wife won't be in "disguise".

I also think going places where you won't have to interact with people is a better first time out than something like a restaurant where you have to talk to people and are stuck in one place for a half hour or more. Walking in the park, the city streets, a mall, etc. will be much easier and you can excape if you feel the need.

[Beverley Sims]

Dutch courage does not assist Cross Dressing in any way at all.
You can have fun and let your inhibitions whether you drink or not.
I don't drink and the amount of sleazy people I would attract whilst apparently intoxicated did worry me, especially if I had really lost my inhibitions.
Some girls flirt with danger.

I don't drink, but I don't believe in dry weddings either. :)

[Wildaboutheels]

You seem to have succumbed to one of the many Forum Myths that Joe Doe non CDing public makes it their civic duty to look for/bust men wearing the wrong clothes.

FALSE! ONLY CDers do that. JD public has many other more important things to concern themselves with.

I suggest going to a crowded place like a mall and just walking. The walking/moving alone will help you relax. As has been reported here at least thousands of times over the years, very few people either care or notice or are clueless enough to raise a stink. Besides who cares what clueless folks think?

[Megan70]

RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, don't look nervous and for heavens sake don't keep turning your head around and looking over your shoulder. The 2 things that to me have been the most important (that over 50 years of going out in public and completely blending in)... are the right wig for your face your age and body type, and the proper clothes to wear to whatever place you go where other GG's would dress the same. Don't hussy it up, its a dead giveaway and you'll get a lot of turned heads. Save the glitzy self-admiration for your mirror at home

[Desiree2bababe]

You are in the best situation there is with a supporting wife. Just keep it simple and have fun. I couldn't imagine dressing without being seen, it's always been a must thing to do for me since the age of 15

[Lacyfem]

I'm thinking this may depend on how passable you really think you are. Post a picture and get some opinions from the gurls her as I will bet you'll get a lot of advice. Like one said 90% won't care but that leaves 10% who can be trouble and that can be embarassing for you and your wife so you want to make sure to cover all bases of dressing from the actual look to the moves you make. A drink or two won't hurt as long as you know your limit. Pick the right restaurant which is a bit low key and make sure it's a night meal as think you'll be more comfortable. I know in our mind when we're out that we think of ourselves as standing out from the crowd in our minds because we are cds and we're not used to being a gurl out in public. Discuss with your wife also what your reaction and response might be if you do run into assholes who want to be rude so you're not caught off guard. You have as much right to be out in public dressed anyway you wish so enjoy but be sure you're safe.

[Desirae]

It's great that you're getting out (I haven't yet), but you better watch those few drinks if you're driving anywhere. If you get picked up for OVI or DUI, you'll be spending at least some hours in the local jail bullpen dressed in whatever you're wearing along with a bunch of strangers. That would certainly put a damper on the festivities no matter how great the outing was for your first time.

[Wanna be Heather]

:hugs:Fantastic support ladies. You all made my day with your encouragement and advice. I don' feel alone and I am more determined to enjoy life as Heather. My lovely wife is a jewel. We are now packing our dresses and actually trying them on.

Lots love and kisses

Heather

[Sometimes Steffi]

I don't think drinking alcohol to get up the courage to go out is good advice. People tend to make bad decisions when under the influence of alcohol.


I don't drink and dress period. To much chance of poor decisions and/or poor driving, among others.

[Adriana Moretti]

bad decisions make the best stories !

[Sometimes Steffi]

Yes, if you live to tell them!

[Brandy 4476]

Awesome answered some of my questions thank you all

[Wildside_md]

congratulations.

[Chickhe]

The first time I did anything like that with my wife, I was so scared that I would not get out of the car...she basically told me to be a man! ... the only advice, is keep it fun for her, don't be too much of a chicken and don't make too many jokes about it being hard to walk in heels...she will grow tired of hearing what she must do all the time. Be confident, you belong as much as anyone.

[Hell on Heels]

I'd love to have your situation, sounds like an incredible night out awaits you. Just remember while your out, you have every right to be. If fears of what others might think of you come remember that most people in public are set on their own agendas and wont even give you a second thought.

[PaulaQ]

Some tips for passing:
1. Make sure your beard shadow is invisible. This is the #1 tell for us.
2. When you walk into the restaurant, walk in like you own the place! Women do this, and if you look nervous and scared, people will notice.
3. Dress a little more modestly than you might, unless you are going to a VERY fancy restaurant. If you are dressed to be noticed, guess what? People notice! If you blend in like every other GG in the place, people are much less likely to notice you.
4. Are you afraid when walking around your house dressed? Nope. Why is that? Because you feel safe, and nobody is looking at you. So don't pay attention to the people around you. Just walk in, look confident, and don't consider at all that you are in public. It's a little like Wile E. Coyote running off the edge of a cliff - he's fine until he looks down. Passing in public is like that.

Basically my experience is that people see what they want to see. If they expect to see a woman, and you look and act like one, that's what they see. It also helps if you are a little older - older women draw less attention. Sucks, but it's the truth. Younger women get made more easily because they attract more attention. Tradeoff of age. People aren't looking for a CD - so if you don't give 'em a reason to see one, they generally don't.

Best of luck, and be brave. I know it's hard.

[Eryn]

Some pretty good advice here. The only thing I would take exception to is alcohol. You really need to keep your wits about you if you get befuddled because you're a bit tipsy you won't look or feel good.

Other than that, dress in clothes that are appropriate and you feel comfortable in. This is not the time to teeter in heels.

The hardest thing I found was simply to "own it." Nothing will give you away faster than trying to hide yourself. It took me some time to do it, but I learned to walk tall, make eye contact (appropriately) with other women, and basically assert my right to be there.

LGBT friendly places are nice, but I actually have more fun in mainstream venues. In a LGBT place I am more likely to be made and also to have to fend off unwanted attention. In the mainstream I'm just a tall, not terribly attractive, fortyish, woman.

[linda allen]

Have your wife drive the car. With two women in a car, one has to drive, let it be her. Things will be much simpler if you get stopped or have an accident.

[adrienner99]

Be careful about the all the people who say, "Oh, just go, it'll be fine." Most likely it will be fine...it usually has for me, but not always....Try not to dress "overly-girly." You can look female without five inch heels, red lip gloss, and other precious things we love...I think going out dressed is something all CDs want to do...just do so when you're ready....passing is VERY difficult for most of us. You will probably be read, and probably most people will just leave you alone. But be on the lookout for the occasional brute who feels he has to prove his manhood by insulting you, or gaggles of high school girls who will photograph you and put you online....you are right to be cautious....this s**t can happen.

[Wanna be Heather]

Few drink will not hurt. We also don' plan to drive, so that is out my worries. You all have given me the support and advice. The clothes we picked are normal lady dresses for a dinner, I will post pictures later.

Love you all

xxx

Heather

[Jodi]

I have to second the message on NO ALCOHOL. Alcohol will lower inhibitions and cloud judgment. Go anywhere, relax and enjoy yourself, but stay completely sober

In my 15 years of going out and about, the only bad things that I can remember happening to any girls involved alcohol--too much of it.

It is not a crime to cd, but it is a crime to drink and drive.

I'm not a tea totaler, and will drink my share of alcohol, but I rarely if ever have a drink while dressed. especially if I am out in a public venue.

Jodi

[sweetJACKIE]

that what I do.

most places I go there are many cd's and ts dressed everywhere you look.