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Cheyenne Skye
12-10-2013, 06:23 PM
So over the past week or so I've noticed that I'm boy failing a lot more. Which is supposed to be good right? A couple of times today when I was running errands, I got ma'am ed at first. Then the cashier needed to look me up in the computer and asked for my ID (which still has male name and marker). They were kind enough to not call me by that name but by the look on their faces, I could tell the wheels were turning. That 2+2=4. But I still thought to myself it would be sooo much better if my ID were changed. At another store I asked a sales girl if they had a certain item. She was facing away when I spoke (she was stocking shelves). She responded by saying "No sir we don't carry that." Then as she turned around to face me, she said "Sorry ma'am". I said thank you and walked away. I think I should be considering full time soon, but I don't think I'm ready for many reasons. I've barely gotten any electrolysis done yet. And my skin is way to sensitive to shave every day. (never have) Due to recent weight gain a lot of my clothes don't fit so I would need some new ones so I could present female every day without wearing the same thing twice in a week. But I am dirt poor broke. All my earnings go to bills and recent divorce requirements. And to top it off, I'm still not officially "out" at work yet. The very thought scares the crap out of me. And even though I told most of my family and they haven't run away screaming, it is never a topic up for discussion. It's as if it never happened.

But my biggest obstacle is probably myself. I can't seem to get over my own fears. Especially the part of me that keeps telling me this is the stupidest thing I've ever done. But when I think about going back, I can't even imagine just living as a guy. It's an empty screen. Even when I was trying to be a guy, I occasionally got gendered female anyway. When I look back at my life, I've made the wrong choice for a lot of big life decisions. So I'm afraid that all of this could be the worst bad choice I've ever made.

Any ideas on how to get over my fears or the other issues stopping me from moving forward?

arbon
12-10-2013, 07:39 PM
Getting over the fear of going full time - well really you get over it just by doing it. You should be as prepared as you can be though before pulling the trigger. Cloths are important, as is hair removal. And do you know how secure your job will be?

Right now some people are identifying you more as female which is good, but I don't think you should feel pressured to act before you are ready because of it. Just let it be what it is, and keep making your plans and prepare.

Leah Lynn
12-10-2013, 07:47 PM
Cheyenne, I'm pretty much in the same boat. I know I want to fully transition, but the money just isn't there to move at the pace I want. Some days I do get those doubts, and think that this is a big mistake.

So, having lived so long wanting it, and denying that exists, I can wait a little longer. I'm just taking baby steps. I want to run to the finish line, but at least with those small movements, I am going forward, toward that goal. Another year, and I may be ready to do the name change and start RLE. At least that is my present goal; then I'll concentrate on the next step. Little by little, step by little baby step, I'll get there, or die trying.

Keep your eye on the goal, and move towards it; no matter the pace, keep moving. Even a snail can get to where it's going.

Hugs,

Leah

Kaitlyn Michele
12-10-2013, 07:49 PM
Listen to arbon...she is exactly right...

enjoy the moments...they do not define you however.....you get to decide

mary something
12-10-2013, 10:39 PM
Just let it come natural and keep altering your presentation slowly.

If you feel a lot of doubt listen to yourself!

Transition along the path of least resistance

Anne Elizabeth
12-11-2013, 12:58 PM
Cheyenne: I have those fears also alongside will I have any money for retirement. I always wanted to be a mountain climber and climb the highest peaks. I could condition myself for Everest and fork over 80 grand to do it but I don't have the money and if I did now I know where I would spend it. I guess what I am getting at is transitioning is going to be my Everest expedition. This expedition will be more daunting than the the actual climb. The one advantage I have by transitioning is that I won't freeze my behind off. However i still could lose my life. Those fears are real in my head. All the fears you mention are all the same fears I have. I am constantly reminded is this the right thing to do? Because it transcends all logic. To me it is the most illogical thing to go. But I have to do it. I want to be able to get up in the morning and not have to second guess what I am going to wear. I want people to see me for who I really am. I want to become the person that I should have been born to be. I want to just be myself. All of these wants bring tremors and fears into my life. I had a 3 hour talk with my brother last night. It was a wonderful talk and accepting. He called it a wonderful journey that I will be on and it will be interesting to see the end. (of course I think there will never be an end as I will always be journeying to the best I can be) I think what he is talking about is the point where I am living the real me.

It is so right that getting over the real fear is to just do it. back in July I came to the conclusion that this is what I should be doing.(but not sure I could and still uncertain about it) The decisions I have made and the actions I have taken have all been done to help do it. Top help loosen those fears and allow me to take hold of then and let me control them not let them control me. One day I decided that if I am going to transition then I need to buck it up and walk right in hold my head high and use the ladies restroom and buy a package of gum at the register of a convenience store. The clerk stumbled for a split second but that was it. The next time I went into a Jinny Johns bought my lunch and left and went to a park and ate it. (they new and there were smiles but nothing was said to me) The last time I went into a Taco Johns ordered my lunch picked it up and sat down and read some paperwork and ate my lunch. Guess what? The world did not end. I am still alive. I have to do more. Each step is bolder and less fear driven. On top of that even though I want to be recognized as a female I am not, But I take this approach; At least I made their day. I brought sunshine into their life, I gave then something to talk about, laugh about, whatever.

Because, it is not about their acceptance of me as a woman, it is about my acceptance of myself as a woman and my need to be myself and live my life as I need. That is what helps me drive my fear away.

Now, if I can find a full time job that will pay my monthly expenses and help my save for transition, hair removal etc. As within this up coming year my wife and i will become divorced and start heading in our separate ways. I will have to set my goals of being a successful Wood Sculptor aside as that won't pay all the bills. But I feel the need to take this journey and am really sorry for what it will do, and has done with my relationship with my loving wife.

Anne Elizabeth