karens70
12-11-2013, 05:57 AM
I am really curious to know how the lovely ladies on here felt once the secret was out?
But before you answer, apologies because here comes another long post but I really wanted to set some context to the question.
The reason I ask... for me, I have been in a weird state of torment for many years, yet since my wife found out a couple of weeks ago I am strangely calmer although worried at the up take in intensity of my feelings.
Let me explain, I am sure this cycle will be familiar to many on here, prior to the Mrs finding out and for as long as I can remember my dressing went like this:
A pink fog (I love that phrase, I learnt it on here and its a perfect description!) would roll in and from that point on the idea of getting dressed up dominates your thoughts. If this was the start of a new fog then its highly likely there were no clothes of my own around because I would have purged them last time the fog cleared. I have lost count of the number of miles and amount of time I have spent driving around on the way home from work going to a mall which is miles away from my house only to walk round it trying to find a shop where I can build up the courage to run in and buy some clothes/shoes, most of the time the stuff wouldnt fit properly it would be too big or too tight. Anyway, I would then take this home when the wife was out and then enjoy my new purchase. This would go on for a period of time which may be as little as 1 day it may be a week it also depended on how much time I had to myself. The the fog would pass and I would hit the mood where I felt ridiculous, 'real men' dont do this, 'what if the wife found out' and all those feelings that kick in. I would be convinced that this was the last time I will do this. At this point it would be a trip to a local charity shop and a dropping off of the purchases.
Now my secret is out a couple of weird things seem to have happened, when the wife found out, I was in my 'man mode' and had no desires to dress, then the fog kicked in pretty quickly after that fateful moment (mainly because I find that although dressing is mainly for sexual thrill I also have times when it simply makes me feel calm when super stressed). Since that moment the fog feeling does not seemed to have cleared as quickly as it did in the past, I am 2 to 3 weeks into this latest phase and it doesnt show signs of stopping.
In fact a couple of things have happened, I have told myself that purging is no longer necessary, one of the main reasons for purging was that if my stash was found then that would have been secret out. Now the secret is out, and even when the pink fog lifts it can go in a box ready for the day it returns, because it will return (I have also gone crazy and bought a couple of really nice things that were not cheap as a small celebration, so purging would really hurt!). This it the second thing, I have had a moment of full realisation, this ridiculous pretence that I went through every time telling myself that that was the last time. Even as I sit here typing it I realise I must have been like an alcoholic who kept trying to convince himself the last drink would really be the last. No matter what I do, this thing is here to stay (it only took 30 years to get myself to say that!) and I do actually enjoy it so live with it, even when the feeling subside, try to push out the negatives and just park it until it returns.
So ultimately there are many positives and moments of relief and acceptance on my behalf, but my worry is that I have unleashed something which is more intense than I wanted it to be, I have never had the fog remain for 2 to 3 weeks... so the question is, did you have a similar experience when you came out? is it because the burden was lifted and you felt you just had full access to the toy box that you went crazy for a little while and then it returned to normal pace?
I know everyone is different, I am just interested to hear your thoughts... thank you as always! x
But before you answer, apologies because here comes another long post but I really wanted to set some context to the question.
The reason I ask... for me, I have been in a weird state of torment for many years, yet since my wife found out a couple of weeks ago I am strangely calmer although worried at the up take in intensity of my feelings.
Let me explain, I am sure this cycle will be familiar to many on here, prior to the Mrs finding out and for as long as I can remember my dressing went like this:
A pink fog (I love that phrase, I learnt it on here and its a perfect description!) would roll in and from that point on the idea of getting dressed up dominates your thoughts. If this was the start of a new fog then its highly likely there were no clothes of my own around because I would have purged them last time the fog cleared. I have lost count of the number of miles and amount of time I have spent driving around on the way home from work going to a mall which is miles away from my house only to walk round it trying to find a shop where I can build up the courage to run in and buy some clothes/shoes, most of the time the stuff wouldnt fit properly it would be too big or too tight. Anyway, I would then take this home when the wife was out and then enjoy my new purchase. This would go on for a period of time which may be as little as 1 day it may be a week it also depended on how much time I had to myself. The the fog would pass and I would hit the mood where I felt ridiculous, 'real men' dont do this, 'what if the wife found out' and all those feelings that kick in. I would be convinced that this was the last time I will do this. At this point it would be a trip to a local charity shop and a dropping off of the purchases.
Now my secret is out a couple of weird things seem to have happened, when the wife found out, I was in my 'man mode' and had no desires to dress, then the fog kicked in pretty quickly after that fateful moment (mainly because I find that although dressing is mainly for sexual thrill I also have times when it simply makes me feel calm when super stressed). Since that moment the fog feeling does not seemed to have cleared as quickly as it did in the past, I am 2 to 3 weeks into this latest phase and it doesnt show signs of stopping.
In fact a couple of things have happened, I have told myself that purging is no longer necessary, one of the main reasons for purging was that if my stash was found then that would have been secret out. Now the secret is out, and even when the pink fog lifts it can go in a box ready for the day it returns, because it will return (I have also gone crazy and bought a couple of really nice things that were not cheap as a small celebration, so purging would really hurt!). This it the second thing, I have had a moment of full realisation, this ridiculous pretence that I went through every time telling myself that that was the last time. Even as I sit here typing it I realise I must have been like an alcoholic who kept trying to convince himself the last drink would really be the last. No matter what I do, this thing is here to stay (it only took 30 years to get myself to say that!) and I do actually enjoy it so live with it, even when the feeling subside, try to push out the negatives and just park it until it returns.
So ultimately there are many positives and moments of relief and acceptance on my behalf, but my worry is that I have unleashed something which is more intense than I wanted it to be, I have never had the fog remain for 2 to 3 weeks... so the question is, did you have a similar experience when you came out? is it because the burden was lifted and you felt you just had full access to the toy box that you went crazy for a little while and then it returned to normal pace?
I know everyone is different, I am just interested to hear your thoughts... thank you as always! x